So masking? How can you tell the difference between the real you and the masked you?

[undertheradar]

So I have a question about masking... How do you tell the difference between the real you, and the masked you?

Some of these things are very certain of... Cuz I remember actively spending time and developing this outward persona

And I remember how I was before doing this

I've talked to a few people about this over the last year or two without even realizing what I was talking about

I remember telling a good friend that I wasn't really the extrovert that I appeared to be, that in fact, it was a very uncertain introvert

That you only see an extrovert because I know that I need to be one... He said he found that really hard to believe, I explained to him that that meant I had done a really good job becoming this person

That's absolutely exhausting... I don't even want to be an extrovert... Certainly there are many benefits

I know that by being an extrovert I can have many people who see as a friend

But I would be lying if I said I completely understood it... I mean

I mean a really interesting thing that I've been thinking about the last few years is that I don't deal with change particularly well... For instance I had a few friends when I was younger, for whatever reason this friendships stopped... But I remember I didn't understand what I'd done wrong, and I wanted to know how I could fix it and what I could have done better... And I would sit there and try to examine the situation and try to understand What had happened in a logical way... But as my wife appointed out when I chatted with her about it recently, there's no logic to it, these are people

So what I wondered is what part of the mask eventually becomes the person... Or is it never a person and always a mask?

 

[Rogue Princess]

Everyone obsesses over this masking thing.
There is no mask

 

[undertheradar]

Everyone obsesses over this masking thing.
There is no mask

I don't know, when I started reading about it, it really resonated with me

I mean, there's me and the way that I am by default, the way I just am, and then there's the programming that I've done so that I feel like I can function around people... And I don't feel like that's me,

But then there's the question, the programming that you've done to yourself, the mask, is that really you because you've incorporated it? I'm sure some of it eventually becomes the person

But I can tell you from spending years functioning in that way and continuing to function that way, it is absolutely exhausting

So I suppose if a mask doesn't make you feel exhausted then it's fine I guess right?

But if I'm ask does make you feel exhausted and an emotional level, then it's not healthy at the bare minimum right? Whether you call it a mask or not

You could call it behavior I suppose if that makes you feel better... So if you do a behavior in order to be able to function around people, and that behavior gains you acceptance with people, then I guess that's a good thing... But if you're exhausted from it then it's not healthy

To be honest I I should probably quit talking about this, it is actually uncomfortably physically painful to even think about

 

[Rogue Princess]

It's the thing... You're overthinking, questioning your identity and you're stuck in a "who am I" phase. Just throw away the mask idea and do what comes naturally. Try not to question yourself so much <3

 

[Outdated]

People learn how to adapt their behaviour in order to better fit in with other people in social situations.

It's nothing unique to autism, all people do this unless they're severely mentally ill. Who people are in public is different to who they are at home and that's different again to who they are at work.

I always called it "wearing the face" when I have to present different sides of myself, but it is still myself I'm presenting.

 

[Rogue Princess]

People learn how to adapt their behaviour in order to better fit in with other people in social situations.

It's nothing unique to autism, all people do this unless they're severely mentally ill. Who people are in public is different to who they are at home and that's different again to who they are at work.

I always called it "wearing the face" when I have to present different sides of myself, but it is still myself I'm presenting.

I call it playing the game

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I never heard of masking until i joined this site I have always been me. Watching a few u-tube videos on being an Aspie apparently, I am typical.

 

[MyLifeAsAnAspie]

I don't think we necessarily understand all the things we do for masking/compensation. Here is a table of techniques. I was surprised how many of these I have long used.

Strategy Name	Description	Present (1) Absent (0)
Masking
Avoidance	Avoid social situations where you would stand out.
Hold back	Hold back your true thoughts and opinions in conversation (e.g., agree with others even if you disagree with them, tolerate behaviour of others). Hide aspects of your personality that would be deemed different to the norm (e.g., your interests and hobbies).
Suppress	Suppress atypical behaviours (e.g., hand flapping, fidgeting).
Present but passive	Attend social events, even if you would rather not, to give the impression of sociability. Stand in a conversation but say/do as little as possible.
Superficial assimilation	Dress and speak like the group you are trying to blend in with (e.g., copy hairstyle, language, interests).
Basic social etiquette	Reflect basic social etiquette to indicate a willingness to socialise (e.g., smile, manners, look towards other people).
Shallow Compensation
Plan and rehearse	Predict, plan out and rehearse conversations before they happen, out loud or in your head.
Copy/model behaviour	Mimic phrases, gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice picked up from other people and/or TV/film/book characters.
Eye contact	Make appropriate eye contact, even if it is not useful for communication and/or is aversive. Avoid eye contact but give the impression of social interest (e.g., look at bridge of nose, stand at a 90° angle to interaction partner).
Learned scripts, social rules	Enact learned scripts and social rules, even when it may not be appropriate, to guide conversations (e.g., ask others set questions, small talk, laugh at ‘joke cues’, turn-take in conversation).
Guide conversation	Steer conversation to topics you are equipped to talk about (e.g., special interests). Focus conversation on your interaction partner to draw attention away from self.
Rely on others	Attend social events with a more socially skilled individual who can act as a ‘social crutch’ (e.g., introduce you, fill in or disguise your social mistakes, explain social nuances to you).
Reduce social demands	Reduce social demands on yourself in order to disguise any social faux pas (e.g., ‘flit’ between different groups/conversations, engage in 1:1 conversation rather than groups so there are less social signals to read, make use of structured socialising or ‘organised fun’).
Counselling skills	Listen to, repeat and rephrase what your interaction partner says to give the impression of being an ‘good listener’ or ‘adviser’, without having to necessarily mentalise.
Use props	Rely on props (e.g., dog, children, interesting object) to structure and guide conversation. Similar to learned scripts.
Play a false role	Play an exaggerated role or character that is inconsistent with the ‘real you’ (e.g., false confidence, fabricated stories, extraverted personality).
Deep Compensation
Learned non-verbal cues	Use learned rules about non-verbal behaviour (e.g., facial expression, body language, direction of gaze), when it is appropriate, to infer what others are thinking/feeling. For example, inferring that when someone looks at the ground or rolls their eyes, they are bored.
Learned verbal cues	Use learned rules about verbal behaviour (e.g., tone of voice, content of speech) to infer what others are thinking/feeling. For example, inferring that someone who is talking about a funeral with a particular tone is likely sad.
Assess behaviour	Assess someone’s behaviour over time to infer what they are thinking/feeling. For example, if someone re-invites you to a social event, they think positively of you.
Substituted perspective taking	Substitute someone else’s values/preferences/interests with your own or those of a TV/film/book character to infer what others are thinking/feeling. For example, if someone is acting similar to a TV/film/book character in particular situation, infer that they are thinking/feeling how that character would in the same situation.
Logic, context, experience	Predict likelihood of what someone is thinking/feeling based on logic, the context or experience of how that person has previously behaved. Often involves analysing social situations after they have happened and carrying ‘lessons learned’ to the next time the same situation happens.
Flexible catalogue	Flexibly use built catalogue of possible interpretation of others’ thoughts/feelings, based on combination of multiple sources of information (e.g., logic, context, facial expression, tone of voice).
More information or time	Gain more information to increase accuracy of your inference about someone’s thoughts/feelings (e.g., get them to repeat what they have said in a different way, find out about their interests/opinions from others). Gain more time to make a judgement of someone’s thoughts/feelings (e.g., take a well-timed break to consider various interpretations).
Recalibrate	Recalibrate your interpretation of someone else’s thoughts/feelings based on self-awareness of your own cognitive biases (e.g., tendency to perceive neutral expression as anger).
Psychological theory	Apply learned psychological theory to help infer what others are thinking/feeling (e.g., categorise people by personality type).
Accommodation
Play to your strengths	Play to your strengths (e.g., humour, wit, intelligence) to add additional value to conversation with others, despite your social differences.
Be helpful, liked	Go out of your way to be helpful to others, so that your social differences might be forgiven.
Seek ‘atypical’ others	Seek relationships with others who are also socially ‘atypical’ and therefore more accepting of your social differences.
Accommodating environment	Work in an environment where your social differences are actively accommodated (e.g., ‘autism friendly’ workplace) or where non-social skills are valued over social ones (e.g., academia, skill-based job).
Foreign disguise	Live in a foreign country so that your differences are attributed to being foreign by others. Live in your country of birth but seek relationships with others who are foreign, so that your social differences are attributed to cultural differences.
Disclose difficulties	Disclose your difficulties or diagnosis to others so that they can better accommodate you.

 

[DaisyRose]

When I get overwhelmed, my mom calls it the thousand mile stare. I always have that expression when I’m falling through the cracks. Most of the time, people cannot tell the difference. Only people who know me can recognize the stare. When I tell people I’m autistic, they always say, “I never would’ve thought you had autism.”

 

[Rodafina]

Everyone obsesses over this masking thing.
There is no mask

For some of us there definitely is a mask, and dismantling can be very difficult. The “obsession” you have noticed is because it is common and challenging and confusing to one’s identity.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Most of my sibling's I suspect are on the spectrum, Aspies so most of my life I hung out with my own social group my own family we were all strange together.

 

[Rodafina]

People learn how to adapt their behaviour in order to better fit in with other people in social situations.

It's nothing unique to autism, all people do this unless they're severely mentally ill. Who people are in public is different to who they are at home and that's different again to who they are at work.

I always called it "wearing the face" when I have to present different sides of myself, but it is still myself I'm presenting.

This has been your experience. But remember that you are very comfortable in who you are and you have written about how much you always have been.

For many people, we did not have this solid sense of identity and self-confidence since we were young and the notion of the autistic mask seems very real to me.

It seems real to me because I wore one for a very long time as a way to survive in the world. It’s not just a matter of adapting to fit into my surroundings. It’s a complete suppression of what is really inside due to misunderstanding, fear, and an inability to function.

 

[Rodafina]

So I have a question about masking... How do you tell the difference between the real you, and the masked you?

Some of these things are very certain of... Cuz I remember actively spending time and developing this outward persona

And I remember how I was before doing this

I've talked to a few people about this over the last year or two without even realizing what I was talking about

I remember telling a good friend that I wasn't really the extrovert that I appeared to be, that in fact, it was a very uncertain introvert

That you only see an extrovert because I know that I need to be one... He said he found that really hard to believe, I explained to him that that meant I had done a really good job becoming this person

That's absolutely exhausting... I don't even want to be an extrovert... Certainly there are many benefits

I know that by being an extrovert I can have many people who see as a friend

But I would be lying if I said I completely understood it... I mean

I mean a really interesting thing that I've been thinking about the last few years is that I don't deal with change particularly well... For instance I had a few friends when I was younger, for whatever reason this friendships stopped... But I remember I didn't understand what I'd done wrong, and I wanted to know how I could fix it and what I could have done better... And I would sit there and try to examine the situation and try to understand What had happened in a logical way... But as my wife appointed out when I chatted with her about it recently, there's no logic to it, these are people

So what I wondered is what part of the mask eventually becomes the person... Or is it never a person and always a mask?

@undertheradar

I think it just takes time to figure out some of these questions that you are asking. People who have worn a mask and people who relate to that analogy, have spent so much time pretending that it does get confusing as to what is the truth.

After we have lived a certain way pretending for so long, it does change us and some of the things that we have been pretending to do can become a part of who we are.

I would say to focus on how you feel when you are alone. Wearing a mask is an outward effort that is generally intended to fit in with others. Other human beings can be a challenge for us. The mask is a means of survival for those of us who have struggled in this way.

When one is alone, there is no reason to wear a mask and that is where our true personalities can flourish and solidify. Perhaps when you are interacting with others, you could take a bit of a more self centered approach and think of how you would act if there were no other humans around.

 

[undertheradar]

@undertheradar

I think it just takes time to figure out some of these questions that you are asking. People who have worn a mask and people who relate to that analogy, have spent so much time pretending that it does get confusing as to what is the truth.

After we have lived a certain way pretending for so long, it does change us and some of the things that we have been pretending to do can become a part of who we are.

I would say to focus on how you feel when you are alone. Wearing a mask is an outward effort that is generally intended to fit in with others. Other human beings can be a challenge for us. The mask is a means of survival for those of us who have struggled in this way.

When one is alone, there is no reason to wear a mask and that is where our true personalities can flourish and solidify. Perhaps when you are interacting with others, you could take a bit of a more self centered approach and think of how you would act if there were no other humans around.

I can be myself around my wife... I mean she had me figured out while we were dating, and for some reason she's still got engaged to me and got married and we've been happily married for over 5 years

But she says she definitely notices that I change personas around people

She also notes that this is not uncommon and people do that... She agrees with me that it shouldn't be something that's absolutely taxing and exhausting

 

[Rodafina]

I can be myself around my wife

That is a wonderful start. I am happy you have that. The more people that we can have in our lives where we can really take the mask off, the better it is, I think.

She agrees with me that it shouldn't be something that's absolutely taxing and exhausting

I think this is the major problem of masking. It can certainly affect one’s sense of identity, but even more important is the exhaustion that you have brought up.

I think the effort to maintain a mask and to vary it just enough depending on who is around is a frustrating and massive effort that can drain your very will to live. At least it did for me.

There is the physical exhaustion that comes from all of the processing that it takes to maintain the mask. Even though we may do this instantaneously, it still takes a great mental effort. But then there is the exhaustion of spirit… What’s the point of never being your true self?

It can also lead to feelings of emptiness and worthlessness. If no one ever sees the real you, then it can get very frustrating and lonely in the world. And then the fear starts to rise – what if I do show my real self and there is too much rejection?

It’s very tough. I think I almost suffocated myself under my mask, but finally after 41 years of cultivating it, I took a breath without the mask and it was like my first breath of life. It’s still there, and it always will be and as others have noted it is some thing that humans do… Adapt to different social situations. But not to the level where everything inside is obscured, smothered, and ignored.

 

[undertheradar]

That is a wonderful start. I am happy you have that. The more people that we can have in our lives where we can really take the mask off, the better it is, I think.


I think this is the major problem of masking. It can certainly affect one’s sense of identity, but even more important is the exhaustion that you have brought up.

I think the effort to maintain a mask and to vary it just enough depending on who is around is a frustrating and massive effort that can drain your very will to live. At least it did for me.

There is the physical exhaustion that comes from all of the processing that it takes to maintain the mask. Even though we may do this instantaneously, it still takes a great mental effort. But then there is the exhaustion of spirit… What’s the point of never being your true self?

It can also lead to feelings of emptiness and worthlessness. If no one ever sees the real you, then it can get very frustrating and lonely in the world. And then the fear starts to rise – what if I do show my real self and there is too much rejection?

It’s very tough. I think I almost suffocated myself under my mask, but finally after 41 years of cultivating it, I took a breath without the mask and it was like my first breath of life. It’s still there, and it always will be and as others have noted it is some thing that humans do… Adapt to different social situations. But not to the level where everything inside is obscured, smothered, and ignored.

Exactly

 

[naotakun]

I have had different masks throughout my life. Like, during college I would present myself as bubbly and chaotic. This was my way of getting around not having to constantly ask "wait, what?" or "am I missing something?" . You can't lose track of the conversation if you don't care what it is to begin with lol.

Nowadays, I realize I masked a lot at my current job. It was really exhausting to act competent and professional with other people all day. It led to a burnout, which is why this year I'm trying to find ways to accommodate my autistic self in social settings (medication, practicing social skills, communicating with autistic forum threads, etc). I'm also allowing certain personality quirks to be present whenever possible to keep me less stressed. (I thank myself for taking breaks, and I have a giaaaannnntt jug of water to chug from during the day, among other things)

 

[Hypnalis]

I don't think more/less real is a useful distinction when discussion social personas.

IMO the action of masking (using a social persona) is more or less the same for us as it is for NT's, but how we develop ours is different.

I can't prove it, but I don't personally believe we are so different to NTs that we have evolved a different approach to developing our social personas. Masking is one of the few things(almost) all Aspies seem to have in common, which indicates against it being a personal technique. So what's left is that we use something that's human-normal, but we develop and use it in a different way.

The difference is that we learn our social personas much later in life, so we're aware of the process in a way that NTs are not.

For comparison with NT's I view it as having several layers:

1. The part that NTs learn as young children, starting even before they remember their lives (a very few people may be exceptions to remembering young childhood, but that's not relevant here)
2a. The part that NTs and HFA's pick up in parallel (early school years)
2b. "Catching up on (1)" that NDs have to do in parallel with (2a). This doesn't match NT experience, so it is "different" in a sense
3. ASD conscious adult refinement of their social personas. Functionally NTs do this too, but (2b) makes it feel different for us, because that refinement includes (1 / 2b) as well as (2a).

 

[SusanLR]

I call it acting.
A boyfriend once said we were both "One eyed Jacks."
Had to look that one up. It does fit though. Meaning we present one face to the world and another that is the real self.
It doesn't always mean the other side is malicious.
Just introverted in my case and socializing doesn't come easy.

I am very aware of my innate personality and also aware of when I may laugh or agree with someone even when I really don't.
Actions play a big part in masking also.
If someone makes you angry in public or at work, you may feel like telling them off.
But you know if you do it will not end well. So, self -control is part of it.
There have been a few times though where friendships have ended because I couldn't mask any longer when they were insulting or bullyish.
That's when it becomes too exhausting to just smile any longer.
Move on time.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Everyone obsesses over this masking thing.
There is no mask

There is certainly a mask. Philosophy and psychology are full of people writing about inauthenticity, social pressure, and the decimation of instincts. You see this in Freud, Laing, Sartre, the Cynics, Jesus, and others. It is the whole basis of Shakespeare. And none of that even considers the role of Autistics in a very different society based on conforming (except maybe Laing).