Seeking help for my 11 year old son.

[Annunaki]

I have no idea where to start really. I am here to seek guidance in how to deal with my un-diagnosed 11 year old son. I noticed early on, at the age of 2 that he wasn't hitting his milestones on time, and his speech was delayed. So he received extensive early intervention therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy through the regional center in Southern California. At the age of 3 he received his first Autism evaluation. His results were "inconclusive" and he received a shotty diagnosis of PDD-NOS. Which left him losing all support services from the regional center a pushed into the school system. It was suggested that I take him to UCLA to have him officially diagnosed. There he would undergo a battery testing and evaluations. Being very young, unemployed single mother I could not afford the 1,700 price tag. Kaiser also did their own evaluation and gave him a diagnosis of ADHD at the age of 5.

At my wits end in getting assistance from Kaiser (who at the time did not provide AST therapy, and the regional center) I took him back to the regional center because of his increased melt downs at school and behavior issues. At the regional center he was then evaluated again for Autism. His diagnosis of ADHD was confirmed, but because he was very interactive, charming, smart, and social they could not diagnose him with Autism, or aspergers because his symptoms ''weren't severe enough'' even though he still displayed an incorrect hand grasp, stutter, and letter from his teacher explaining his melt downs, triggers, and behaviors. Somehow I knew my son fell in between the gap of me being able to get him the help he needed. So I honestly just gave up in trying to find answers. I know just by being around my son for the last 11 years that he falls on the spectrum. Maybe not severely like some, but the signs and characteristics are there. And not being able to get him the help he really needs, or a real diagnosis has been frustrating. He now takes Adderall for his ADHD an anti-depressant for anxiety, and a sleeping medication.

Just like many other people that fall on the spectrum, my son is obsessed (or was obsessed) with playing video games. He started expressing very negative behaviors like hitting himself, pulling his hair, and frequently melting down while playing online mutliplayer video games. So of course, he had to have his video games regulated. I'd say in the past year, he made great progress in behavior and his academics are at an all time high. However this past week, he had a very bad day at school, where he expressed a more volatile type of behavior towards his teacher and an aide in the same day. His history with his teacher has been questionable one in my eyes. I have always felt like shes never liked him and has singled him out in a lot of altercations with other students in his special day class. I had to have a meeting called once with the Principle and superiors at school because he came home in tears because how he described it "the kids were receiving ice cream for expressing good behavior, if you got 2 or more reflections they were not included in the incentive" my son told me that his teacher pulled him to the side, sat him along a wall and told him ''you aren't getting any ice cream because you are the worst behaved student in the class".

During the meeting I stood behind my sons claims. I never seen him that upset. But the school stood behind the teacher, saying that children with disabilities often "make up stories" basically saying my son was lying. I often question if she's Autistic herself, as when she greets you she won't shake your hand, doesn't make eye contact. That's a whole other story, but knowing that people on the spectrum need lots of detailed information, I'm trying to explain what I need to to give you an idea of what I'm dealing with without writing a 10 chapter autobiography on my son.

Going back to his recent incident. WhenI got home as soon as I walked in he approached me right away and told me in pieces what had happened. He said he had "made a huge mistake, but everyone makes mistakes so lets just get over it. Wanting to find out what really happened I asked for his reflections, one being that he thought the teacher gave him extra math problems (which wasn't the case they were for a different group of students.) This caused him to aggressively get into his teachers face, scream at her and tell her "I'm not afraid of you". The second reflection was in the library. I guess another student had a book he wanted to read so he melted down over not being able to read the book he wanted and he threw another book in the library at an aide trying to get him to calm down. Thins honestly was very alarming to me. I tried explaining to him that this, under any circumstance is an unacceptable way of behaving. He tried to pass it off as him behaving badly because he forgot to take his Adderall in the morning. However there had been many other days where he either decided to skip his med , or forgot to take it and he didn't act so very badly at school. To my son, even when I just raise my voice a bit "I am yelling at him''. I simply just wanted him to accept responsibility for his actions, but he continued trying to deflect saying that it's not his fault. After going back an forth, he then starts to scream at me and completely melts down. I'm using all of the will I have in my body not to smack him, because if I were him growing up I would have suffered a much worse consequence. Luckily my mother was home, she she was able to pull him away, He was probably still screaming in the room for another 5 minutes after. At this point I am in shock. Hes never lashed out on me like this before, I admit to getting angry and losing my patience. I guess I just don't understand him and why he does certain things. To me its just wrong, deplorable,******,unacceptable. I'm sure there's some reason for it. I simply just don't get it and it's frustrating. I wish I knew a way to help him, but I dont.

On a more positive note he's not all melt down's and throwing books at people. He's pretty amazing to say the least. He seems to get along with my adult friends, who are all artists, musicians, writers, and fellow weirdo's much more than his fellow peers. He says kids his age don't understand him. His communication level and understanding of life in general are much more advanced for his age. (this was something that was also brought up my his teacher and school psychologist). In a way it breaks my heart a bit that he considers the most recent guy I dated who he's become extremely close to, his best friend. Even more so that we aren't together anymore, and aren't trying to hang out as much anymore. Things aren't the same. With that I've gone through my own struggles in the past year. (which I can handle on my own, I know this is a bit much). I'm just desperate at this point to do whatever I have to give me son what he needs to be happy and non violent towards himself and others. He's currently learning how to play the drums, is getting into art and drawing, and will start spring swim team again soon. (team sports aren't for him)

My apologies if I've rambled. I guess I've gotten a lot off my chest. Any feed back or direction to certain sections of the forums is greatly appreciated. Hope everyone is having a great Friday evening/Saturday morning.

 

[Crossbreed]

Welcome to AC.

You said he was smart. Has he been tested for giftedness? Giftedness has many traits in common with Aspergers. If he does qualify for gifted special ed., those accommodations will help with his Aspergers, too (if present). (SoCal is big on gifted education, at least when I was there.) If he is 2E [Twice exceptional, such as Aspie plus gifted], each will tend to mask the other.

Check out the Autism Society of California for more resources.

 

[Annunaki]

Greetings Crossbreed thank you for the welcome. That is actually something I haven't considered or looked into. It's definitely something I'm going to explore in having him evaluated for. Thank you for the feed back!

Welcome to AC.

You said he was smart. Has he been tested for giftedness? Giftedness has many traits in common with Aspergers. If he does qualify for gifted special ed., those accommodations will help with his Aspergers, too (if present). (SoCal is big on gifted education, at least when I was there.) If he is 2E [Twice exceptional, such as Aspie plus gifted], each will tend to mask the other.

Check out the Autism Society of California for more resources.

 

[orphan]

You should give him an ass whooping.


Being hard of receiving does not excuse him.

Edit* a service animal?

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I grew up with a brother with ADHD and it was terrible at times. So I know what it's like. He'd often lash out at me, break my skin with his finger nails, get in my face. He'd start many arguments and wouldn't accept responsibility for his play in it. My sister didn't help his behaviour though a lot of the time, she could be as worse as him so it wasn't always entirely his fault. He was never put on any medication. There were often arguments at the tea table and eventually he ended eating his food in the next room, alone. His teachers didn't like him and for that reason they didn't think much of me either as his younger brother. Those days were hell for everyone.

I'm sure you know this but although he has some autistic features a lot of this can be explained with a diagnosis of ADHD. There were a lot of his peers who didn't understand my brother either. I'm not saying don't fight for a diagnosis of ASC but try to use the ADHD diagnosis to it's full capacity. I understand that things aren't the same over there in the States because you don't have free healthcare but try looking for other things they can provide. It doesn't just end with a diagnosis and a few pills, there should be more on offer than just that.

Also as a side note. I know that once you become aware and well versed in a description of a condition you start to think you can see it in a lot of people but a lot of the time other people's behaviour is down to another reason. For example this teacher of his probably doesn't look at you or shake hands with you because she has problems with your son and therefore has a less favourable attitude to you. Which is rubbish really. My primary school headteacher had it in for the rest of us including my parents because of my brother's behaviour.

 

[xudo]

Welcome.

Hopefully you can find some help in the parenting section of the forum

 

[Annunaki]

Not sure correcting aggression with aggression is the answer . He already hits himself and pulls his hair from time to time.

You should give him an ass whooping.


Being hard of receiving does not excuse him.

Edit* a service animal?

 

[Grenade]

I have no idea where to start really. I am here to seek guidance in how to deal with my un-diagnosed 11 year old son. I noticed early on, at the age of 2 that he wasn't hitting his milestones on time, and his speech was delayed. So he received extensive early intervention therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy through the regional center in Southern California. At the age of 3 he received his first Autism evaluation. His results were "inconclusive" and he received a shotty diagnosis of PDD-NOS. Which left him losing all support services from the regional center a pushed into the school system. It was suggested that I take him to UCLA to have him officially diagnosed. There he would undergo a battery testing and evaluations. Being very young, unemployed single mother I could not afford the 1,700 price tag. Kaiser also did their own evaluation and gave him a diagnosis of ADHD at the age of 5.

At my wits end in getting assistance from Kaiser (who at the time did not provide AST therapy, and the regional center) I took him back to the regional center because of his increased melt downs at school and behavior issues. At the regional center he was then evaluated again for Autism. His diagnosis of ADHD was confirmed, but because he was very interactive, charming, smart, and social they could not diagnose him with Autism, or aspergers because his symptoms ''weren't severe enough'' even though he still displayed an incorrect hand grasp, stutter, and letter from his teacher explaining his melt downs, triggers, and behaviors. Somehow I knew my son fell in between the gap of me being able to get him the help he needed. So I honestly just gave up in trying to find answers. I know just by being around my son for the last 11 years that he falls on the spectrum. Maybe not severely like some, but the signs and characteristics are there. And not being able to get him the help he really needs, or a real diagnosis has been frustrating. He now takes Adderall for his ADHD an anti-depressant for anxiety, and a sleeping medication.

Just like many other people that fall on the spectrum, my son is obsessed (or was obsessed) with playing video games. He started expressing very negative behaviors like hitting himself, pulling his hair, and frequently melting down while playing online mutliplayer video games. So of course, he had to have his video games regulated. I'd say in the past year, he made great progress in behavior and his academics are at an all time high. However this past week, he had a very bad day at school, where he expressed a more volatile type of behavior towards his teacher and an aide in the same day. His history with his teacher has been questionable one in my eyes. I have always felt like shes never liked him and has singled him out in a lot of altercations with other students in his special day class. I had to have a meeting called once with the Principle and superiors at school because he came home in tears because how he described it "the kids were receiving ice cream for expressing good behavior, if you got 2 or more reflections they were not included in the incentive" my son told me that his teacher pulled him to the side, sat him along a wall and told him ''you aren't getting any ice cream because you are the worst behaved student in the class".

During the meeting I stood behind my sons claims. I never seen him that upset. But the school stood behind the teacher, saying that children with disabilities often "make up stories" basically saying my son was lying. I often question if she's Autistic herself, as when she greets you she won't shake your hand, doesn't make eye contact. That's a whole other story, but knowing that people on the spectrum need lots of detailed information, I'm trying to explain what I need to to give you an idea of what I'm dealing with without writing a 10 chapter autobiography on my son.

Going back to his recent incident. WhenI got home as soon as I walked in he approached me right away and told me in pieces what had happened. He said he had "made a huge mistake, but everyone makes mistakes so lets just get over it. Wanting to find out what really happened I asked for his reflections, one being that he thought the teacher gave him extra math problems (which wasn't the case they were for a different group of students.) This caused him to aggressively get into his teachers face, scream at her and tell her "I'm not afraid of you". The second reflection was in the library. I guess another student had a book he wanted to read so he melted down over not being able to read the book he wanted and he threw another book in the library at an aide trying to get him to calm down. Thins honestly was very alarming to me. I tried explaining to him that this, under any circumstance is an unacceptable way of behaving. He tried to pass it off as him behaving badly because he forgot to take his Adderall in the morning. However there had been many other days where he either decided to skip his med , or forgot to take it and he didn't act so very badly at school. To my son, even when I just raise my voice a bit "I am yelling at him''. I simply just wanted him to accept responsibility for his actions, but he continued trying to deflect saying that it's not his fault. After going back an forth, he then starts to scream at me and completely melts down. I'm using all of the will I have in my body not to smack him, because if I were him growing up I would have suffered a much worse consequence. Luckily my mother was home, she she was able to pull him away, He was probably still screaming in the room for another 5 minutes after. At this point I am in shock. Hes never lashed out on me like this before, I admit to getting angry and losing my patience. I guess I just don't understand him and why he does certain things. To me its just wrong, deplorable,******,unacceptable. I'm sure there's some reason for it. I simply just don't get it and it's frustrating. I wish I knew a way to help him, but I dont.

On a more positive note he's not all melt down's and throwing books at people. He's pretty amazing to say the least. He seems to get along with my adult friends, who are all artists, musicians, writers, and fellow weirdo's much more than his fellow peers. He says kids his age don't understand him. His communication level and understanding of life in general are much more advanced for his age. (this was something that was also brought up my his teacher and school psychologist). In a way it breaks my heart a bit that he considers the most recent guy I dated who he's become extremely close to, his best friend. Even more so that we aren't together anymore, and aren't trying to hang out as much anymore. Things aren't the same. With that I've gone through my own struggles in the past year. (which I can handle on my own, I know this is a bit much). I'm just desperate at this point to do whatever I have to give me son what he needs to be happy and non violent towards himself and others. He's currently learning how to play the drums, is getting into art and drawing, and will start spring swim team again soon. (team sports aren't for him)

My apologies if I've rambled. I guess I've gotten a lot off my chest. Any feed back or direction to certain sections of the forums is greatly appreciated. Hope everyone is having a great Friday evening/Saturday morning.

Your life sounds like my sister's life. She has a 14-year-old son with Asperger's. It took years for him to get correctly diagnosed. Do you have a TEACCH nearby? They are the gold standard for evaluating autism and may have financial scholarships or aid. It sounds like you may have researched everything already so disregard if this is superfluous info.

 

[Annunaki]

A lot of it is that So CA offers extra services for people with Austism. Without a diagnosis a lot of other people with various disabilities wont qualify for any services or therapies to help their conditions. He sees a therapist now that he's acclimating to, but I know that's always a process.

I honestly just think his teacher is terrible and shouldn't be working with special needs kids.

I know that ADHD and autism often go hand and hand with each other, but how are the two differentiated? I'm going to look up more resources for ADHD support. I've only found various brain mapping institutes at top dollar, without a gaurranty that it will actually help. I try to explain to my son that his meds aren't the answer to everything. Thank you so much for the feed back. I'll comb through the parents section and see what I can find.

I grew up with a brother with ADHD and it was terrible at times. So I know what it's like. He'd often lash out at me, break my skin with his finger nails, get in my face. He'd start many arguments and wouldn't accept responsibility for his play in it. My sister didn't help his behaviour though a lot of the time, she could be as worse as him so it wasn't always entirely his fault. He was never put on any medication. There were often arguments at the tea table and eventually he ended eating his food in the next room, alone. His teachers didn't like him and for that reason they didn't think much of me either as his younger brother. Those days were hell for everyone.

I'm sure you know this but although he has some autistic features a lot of this can be explained with a diagnosis of ADHD. There were a lot of his peers who didn't understand my brother either. I'm not saying don't fight for a diagnosis of ASC but try to use the ADHD diagnosis to it's full capacity. I understand that things aren't the same over there in the States because you don't have free healthcare but try looking for other things they can provide. It doesn't just end with a diagnosis and a few pills, there should be more on offer than just that.

Also as a side note. I know that once you become aware and well versed in a description of a condition you start to think you can see it in a lot of people but a lot of the time other people's behaviour is down to another reason. For example this teacher of his probably doesn't look at you or shake hands with you because she has problems with your son and therefore has a less favourable attitude to you. Which is rubbish really. My primary school headteacher had it in for the rest of us including my parents because of my brother's behaviour.

 

[Annunaki]

I actually haven't looked for resources in the past 4 years. I know things are forever changing, so thank you for reminding me to refresh myself in what is actually offered as far a evaluations and outside services that may be offered.

The word "superfluous" Has been flourishing in my vocabulary, and others around me. I love it.

Your life sounds like my sister's life. She has a 14-year-old son with Asperger's. It took years for him to get correctly diagnosed. Do you have a TEACCH nearby? They are the gold standard for evaluating autism and may have financial scholarships or aid. It sounds like you may have researched everything already so disregard if this is superfluous info.

 

[Annunaki]

Thank you, I am definitely going to scower through them.

Welcome.

Hopefully you can find some help in the parenting section of the forum

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I know that ADHD and autism often go hand and hand with each other, but how are the two differentiated?

It can be hard but with Asperger's and autism you'll see a range of other behaviours outside of communication difficulties. A couple would be you'll most likely see differences in sensory perception across seven+ senses. And he may have a keen fixation on certain topics and interests.

A good thing to consider is if he has any cousins or family members either diagnosed with ADHD or autism. That may point you in a certain direction if there are any.

 

[toothless]

anunnaki,you wondered how autism and ADHD differ,plain ADHD doesnt meet the 'triad of impairment' criteria that autism does, yes ADHD can cause social issues often due to hyperactive behavior and not having an inner filter that stops them from knowing an actions consequences before hand.

autism causes social issues by the individual lacking understanding in how to understand social rules,the social world is very alien to autists.
they lack understanding on building and maintaining relationships etc,it will usually always be awkward and never natural to them even if they manage to successfully live among NTs without them knowing the diagnosis.

as for punishment,id never recommend hitting/smacking of any form.
i am LFA and was also diagnosed severe combined ADHD in my youth but i lost the physical hyperactivity as an adult, i was hit,beaten with fists and hard back books,slippers,belts etc for every behavior and difficulty of mine and i had no idea why these strange humans in my life were beating me,they helped to start a lifetime of severe depression.
i was also beaten at school with wooden rulers and i had no idea why,i started rebelling and beating the teachers up the second they lifted a ruler above me so i was rarely in the class room,i was most often suspended or on 'formal report' and in the head masters office,on the floor in my own world.
i started attacking my dad everytime he came to hit me.

i totally disagree with hitting of any form in kids with autism/special needs as we often have a different way of thinking and that can impact on our ability to understand and connect our percieved behavior to a consequence.
i grew up very severely challenging and have always required so much medication to sedate my behaviors, and i dont know if that was to do with my severe classic autism or if my dads agressive behavior towards me played a part in it.

 

[Crossbreed]

I know that ADHD and autism often go hand and hand with each other, but how are the two differentiated?

ADHD was the standard misdiagnosis for myself and three of my autie children, and one of them is notably low-functioning...

 

[goraidders]

Some of what you described reminds me of my daughter. At lease the conversation trying to correct him, and how it escalated. When my daughter was younger we went through a very hard time communicating with each other. When we discussed things she was not intentionally being obstinate, disrespectful, rude, and snotty she just really did not understand what I was saying, but it was still very offensive and hurt me. We started using a time out for our discussions. At anytime we could take a timeout, and either of us could call it. It did not stop the correction she needed, but it gave us both a chance to regroup and calm down. That helped us a lot. I also had to figure out how to get her to understand what I was telling her. That is not easy because even though she is incredibly smart and intelligent she does not understand human interactions at all.

 

[Grenade]

Some of what you described reminds me of my daughter. At lease the conversation trying to correct him, and how it escalated. When my daughter was younger we went through a very hard time communicating with each other. When we discussed things she was not intentionally being obstinate, disrespectful, rude, and snotty she just really did not understand what I was saying, but it was still very offensive and hurt me. We started using a time out for our discussions. At anytime we could take a timeout, and either of us could call it. It did not stop the correction she needed, but it gave us both a chance to regroup and calm down. That helped us a lot. I also had to figure out how to get her to understand what I was telling her. That is not easy because even though she is incredibly smart and intelligent she does not understand human interactions at all.

Oh, my goodness! My husband just said this week that he was so glad to know that I have Asperger's because it explains how I act, and that now he knows that I'm not just being mean. I just went in for autism evaluation lately and I will get the verdict this coming Tuesday. I believe (and hope) that they will say I have high functioning autism (doesn't feel high functioning but that's another story). Even if they say I don't have autism, my husband won't believe them. He's sure of it. That realization has been a huge help in our relationship.

Knowing the cause of some of my issues is a huge factor in learning how to cope. I'm 51 years old and am just now realizing that things have been awry since I can remember. I blocked out a lot of the negative experiences and just exploring possible autism has brought back many of those debilitatingly sad memories. I hope you can figure out ways to get through this with your daughter; if she could articulate well, I'm sure she feels devastated, too. It's tough having autism and it's touch living with those of us who have it.

I wish you both the best!

 

[the_tortoise]

Sounds like your son has massive impulse control/self-regulation issues, which means he is literally incapable of controlling his outbursts either some or all of the time.

It also sounds like he might already know his behavior was unacceptable and that he maybe does accept some responsibility for it (because he called his behavior a "huge mistake" rather than referring to it in a way that suggests there was nothing wrong with it at all -- of course that may or may not be significant, depending on how he uses words, that's why I say "might").

My best guess is that he melted down in response to your attempt to impress upon him how severely inappropriate his behavior because (any or all of the following):

(1) He already knows it was inappropriate and already feels bad/ashamed (even if he doesn't understand why it's bad);

(2) He has figured out, or is starting to figure out, that other people think he could stop having meltdowns if he just tried harder/wanted to....or he is just plain confused as to why everyone is lecturing/shaming/"yelling" at him for something he cannot help and already understands is bad (because he is unaware that people believe him to have abilities he lacks)

(3) He has no control over his outbursts/meltdowns, and probably wishes he did have control but doesn't know how to gain any....he probably feels helpless/trapped.

(4) He may not have understood what you wanted from him. (I'm not actually clear on what you wanted from him....what should he have said or done to demonstrate to you that he accepted responsibility? Or what should he have not done or not said, to avoid giving you the impression that he doesn't accept responsibility? If he does accept any responsibility.)

Assuming for a moment that he doesn't accept any responsibility at all:

It's very hard even for some adults to accept responsibilty for behavior they have little/no control over (I think there need to be more words for all the things that are called "responsibility"), for an 11 year old it is generally much, much harder.

You'll probably have more luck if you begin by trying to understand his behavior before trying to get him to understand how bad it is. For example, ask him why he responded in such a huge way to not being able to read the book he wanted to read. (He may have no idea, but you're less likely to come across as threatening to him if you first explicitly demonstrate concern for him and his experience instead of just dissaproval of his behavior....you're more likely to be seen as "on his side"; Being on his side doesn't mean being okay with his behavior, it just means showing him you understand/want to understand how he feels and what he thinks/how he sees things, demonstrating compassion for his experience, and making it clear that you want to help/support him because he may not take this for granted or be able to infer it). Get into specifics with him, about the other person's perspective (maybe ask him how would he feel, what would he do, if someone started throwing books at him or screaming in his face? And/or explain that they don't know why he's behaving that way, and talk about their assumptions).

Whether he understands how inappropriate his behavior was or not, whether he accepts responsibility or not, he probably desperately needs tools to help him keep from getting so out of control. Simply understanding that your behavior is wrong and wanting to do better are nowhere near enough, if you have neurodevelopmental issues with impulse control and self-regulation or even if you simply have no idea how to appropriately respond/problem-solve in a given circumstance. You and he both need to understand what's driving the behavior, and work on practical strategies to prevent it or at least mitigate it.

And you're right that meds for ADHD are not everything, but for me (I have ADHD and Autism) I'm certain they sometimes make the difference between having a huge meltdown and trashing my house, and just being extremely upset and dysregulated for a few hours. (I have taken lots of extended breaks from medication, and eventually realized that I have way fewer meltdowns and do a lot better with self-regulation when I take medication than when I don't. And without ever taking medication I don't think I'd have been able to practice any of the non-medication tools I have for calming down -- I would never even have remembered them in the moments when I needed to, let alone been able to use them.) There are days that I can go (and have gone) without my medication and be alright, but there are also plenty of days where that's not (and was not) the case....I have no way of predicting how the day will go, so I now just take my ADHD meds every day (well, almost....I've made it the first thing I do when I wake up, so I don't forget too often).

 

[orphan]

Well Ann, you enjoy so cal. Good luck with your boy. He is not the problem.

 

[Crossbreed]

Not sure correcting aggression with aggression is the answer . He already hits himself and pulls his hair from time to time.

In our experience, judicious use of spanking worked with NT children, but not so much with neuro-diverse nor mentally ill children. (Oh, that it would be that easy.)

 

[Annunaki]

You'll probably have more luck if you begin by trying to understand his behavior before trying to get him to understand how bad it is. For example, ask him why he responded in such a huge way to not being able to read the book he wanted to read. (He may have no idea, but you're less likely to come across as threatening to him if you first explicitly demonstrate concern for him and his experience instead of just dissaproval of his behavior....you're more likely to be seen as "on his side"; Being on his side doesn't mean being okay with his behavior, it just means showing him you understand/want to understand how he feels and what he thinks/how he sees things, demonstrating compassion for his experience, and making it clear that you want to help/support him because he may not take this for granted or be able to infer it). Get into specifics with him, about the other person's perspective (maybe ask him how would he feel, what would he do, if someone started throwing books at him or screaming in his face? And/or explain that they don't know why he's behaving that way, and talk about their assumptions).

Whether he understands how inappropriate his behavior was or not, whether he accepts responsibility or not, he probably desperately needs tools to help him keep from getting so out of control. Simply understanding that your behavior is wrong and wanting to do better are nowhere near enough, if you have neurodevelopmental issues with impulse control and self-regulation or even if you simply have no idea how to appropriately respond/problem-solve in a given circumstance. You and he both need to understand what's driving the behavior, and work on practical strategies to prevent it or at least mitigate it.

And you're right that meds for ADHD are not everything, but for me (I have ADHD and Autism) I'm certain they sometimes make the difference between having a huge meltdown and trashing my house, and just being extremely upset and dysregulated for a few hours. (I have taken lots of extended breaks from medication, and eventually realized that I have way fewer meltdowns and do a lot better with self-regulation when I take medication than when I don't. And without ever taking medication I don't think I'd have been able to practice any of the non-medication tools I have for calming down -- I would never even have remembered them in the moments when I needed to, let alone been able to use them.) There are days that I can go (and have gone) without my medication and be alright, but there are also plenty of days where that's not (and was not) the case....I have no way of predicting how the day will go, so I now just take my ADHD meds every day (well, almost....I've made it the first thing I do when I wake up, so I don't forget too often).[/QUOTE]

Sounds like your son has massive impulse control/self-regulation issues, which means he is literally incapable of controlling his outbursts either some or all of the time.

It also sounds like he might already know his behavior was unacceptable and that he maybe does accept some responsibility for it (because he called his behavior a "huge mistake" rather than referring to it in a way that suggests there was nothing wrong with it at all -- of course that may or may not be significant, depending on how he uses words, that's why I say "might").

My best guess is that he melted down in response to your attempt to impress upon him how severely inappropriate his behavior because (any or all of the following):

(1) He already knows it was inappropriate and already feels bad/ashamed (even if he doesn't understand why it's bad);

(2) He has figured out, or is starting to figure out, that other people think he could stop having meltdowns if he just tried harder/wanted to....or he is just plain confused as to why everyone is lecturing/shaming/"yelling" at him for something he cannot help and already understands is bad (because he is unaware that people believe him to have abilities he lacks)

(3) He has no control over his outbursts/meltdowns, and probably wishes he did have control but doesn't know how to gain any....he probably feels helpless/trapped.

(4) He may not have understood what you wanted from him. (I'm not actually clear on what you wanted from him....what should he have said or done to demonstrate to you that he accepted responsibility? Or what should he have not done or not said, to avoid giving you the impression that he doesn't accept responsibility? If he does accept any responsibility.)

Assuming for a moment that he doesn't accept any responsibility at all:

It's very hard even for some adults to accept responsibilty for behavior they have little/no control over (I think there need to be more words for all the things that are called "responsibility"), for an 11 year old it is generally much, much harder.

You'll probably have more luck if you begin by trying to understand his behavior before trying to get him to understand how bad it is. For example, ask him why he responded in such a huge way to not being able to read the book he wanted to read. (He may have no idea, but you're less likely to come across as threatening to him if you first explicitly demonstrate concern for him and his experience instead of just dissaproval of his behavior....you're more likely to be seen as "on his side"; Being on his side doesn't mean being okay with his behavior, it just means showing him you understand/want to understand how he feels and what he thinks/how he sees things, demonstrating compassion for his experience, and making it clear that you want to help/support him because he may not take this for granted or be able to infer it). Get into specifics with him, about the other person's perspective (maybe ask him how would he feel, what would he do, if someone started throwing books at him or screaming in his face? And/or explain that they don't know why he's behaving that way, and talk about their assumptions).

Whether he understands how inappropriate his behavior was or not, whether he accepts responsibility or not, he probably desperately needs tools to help him keep from getting so out of control. Simply understanding that your behavior is wrong and wanting to do better are nowhere near enough, if you have neurodevelopmental issues with impulse control and self-regulation or even if you simply have no idea how to appropriately respond/problem-solve in a given circumstance. You and he both need to understand what's driving the behavior, and work on practical strategies to prevent it or at least mitigate it.

And you're right that meds for ADHD are not everything, but for me (I have ADHD and Autism) I'm certain they sometimes make the difference between having a huge meltdown and trashing my house, and just being extremely upset and dysregulated for a few hours. (I have taken lots of extended breaks from medication, and eventually realized that I have way fewer meltdowns and do a lot better with self-regulation when I take medication than when I don't. And without ever taking medication I don't think I'd have been able to practice any of the non-medication tools I have for calming down -- I would never even have remembered them in the moments when I needed to, let alone been able to use them.) There are days that I can go (and have gone) without my medication and be alright, but there are also plenty of days where that's not (and was not) the case....I have no way of predicting how the day will go, so I now just take my ADHD meds every day (well, almost....I've made it the first thing I do when I wake up, so I don't forget too often).

I definitely ask him questions, give him perspectives of other people's feelings . A part of his reflections are actually writing down a written reflection of how you're going to improve your behavior, and what you're going to do next time you may be in the same situation. I myself don't fall on the spectrum, but I do have anxiety, ptsd, and depression, which doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I believe my son is both Aspie and ADHD, but it's difficult to receive the correct support for him and myself when I can't get a solid diagnosis. I'm thinking about finding a comminity support group locally to attend in the meantime. He's getting to the age where he's just about to hit puberty. So I know understanding him and the correct way of communicating is vital. My sons father is very anti medication. Because he is ADHD as well. He abhors even the notion that he may be austistic. So there is no dual support. He won't give him his meds on the weekends he goes with him. He even went as far as making my son flush them down the toilet and say he didn't want to take them any more. My son lasted about 2 weeks before he was getting into physical fights every day at school. I'm sure if he wasn't in a special education class he would have been suspended or expelled. I think his meds help tremendously. Especially the antidepressant. The only thing that worries me is that he's about to hit puberty and the adderall will effect his growth.