scared of having autism

[Burneraccountforventing]

(I am undiagnosed, but fit many symptoms perfectly)

I'm EXTREMELY new to this, like didn't even consider having any form of autism until 24 hours ago. But a family member came to me and pointed out a lot of symptoms that I exhibit, and after thinking it over, I keep seeing more and more evidence in myself that it's true.

I'm 21 years old, a few months into a new job that I feel I'm actually going to keep for a bit. And I hope I'm on the verge of really starting my life. and I'm now terrified that I might be doomed to not live the life I want.

I've always had social issues, always talked a little differently, and never really have been able to keep a relationship with a significant other for long. Things I've always strived and hoped I could get better with and improve on. But now I feel like any hopes of improving in life is just gonna be halted.

My home is not accommodating for what's going on with me, outside of that one family member that mentioned something to me, I find my family to be fairly toxic and I'm terrified to mention anything to them.

I feel like the life I want and have been hopeful to achieve was just shown to be impossible for me and I don't know what to do now, I always thought it was just depression or social anxiety that would mostly go away once I really got out into the world, but now that I'm so close to actually doing that, I'm afraid nothing will ever change.

I really don't know what I'm expecting from posting this here, but I'm just so scared and I don't know who in my life to talk to about this.

 

[Outdated]

Hi and welcome to the forums. Finding out that you're autistic doesn't mean that you're going to turn in to some sort of spastic, you are who you always have been. Reading some other people's posts on here might help you understand yourself a little better and that's all that matters really. You don't have to race out and get a diagnosis.

You don't have to tell anyone either, just try to learn a few trick that make life easier for you. I also came from a dysfunctional family, my life didn't really begin until I moved out in to my own place.

 

[Slime_Punk]

Welcome!

The cool thing about having ASD is that it doesn't change much (as @Outdated said), but allows you to better understand what you're dealing with. I went 26-ish years thinking I was just some kind of weird failure with social anxiety, and I really just ended up with an explanation for it all. It doesn't mean I can stop working on myself (far from it, honestly, I feel like the diagnosis helped me help myself better in so many ways) but offers a little insight into why certain things are so much harder for me than most NTs I know.

These feelings are normal at first, though. Denial post-diagnosis is even normal imho. But I don't think you'll regret figuring all of that stuff out as it comes. Hope you stick around!

 

[Burneraccountforventing]

Hi and welcome to the forums. Finding out that you're autistic doesn't mean that you're going to turn in to some sort of spastic, you are who you always have been. Reading some other people's posts on here might help you understand yourself a little better and that's all that matters really. You don't have to race out and get a diagnosis.

You don't have to tell anyone either, just try to learn a few trick that make life easier for you. I also came from a dysfunctional family, my life didn't really begin until I moved out in to my own place.

I'm aware that it doesn't change who I already am. I'm more just extremely disheartened at the thought of my problems I've struggled with for my whole life being harder, if not impossible to fix. I always have kept going, and telling myself that when I really get out there, all my social anxieties and problems would start to fade. I've had this obsession with appearing normal to others my whole life.

Watching my friends drift away from me and grow faster than I have since highschool has hurt. But I've just told myself "I'm capable of doing what they do, I just can't find the motivation." And decided that when I get over that, I'll catch up quickly. But now it just feels futile, like I'm just doomed to watch them leave me behind.

I really don't feel like a freak or a spaz now because of this. Just feel like the goalpost I thought was right in front of me has ended up being impossibly far away, and it hurts.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Building on what @Outdated said, autism doesn't prevent you from developing or learning new skills, though it might be more difficult for you. In learning more about autism, you can learn more about yourself and what strategies work for you. Several members of the forum (including me) have been or are currently in leadership roles or are respected in their field.

Well, @Slime_Punk said pretty much the same thing, but at least it shows that several people here don't think you should be discouraged by your diagnosis, though I understand being worried. I also resisted for a while.

 

[MyLifeAsAnAspie]

The first step would be to take the AQ test and check if you really might be autistic. If you seem to be, this may be the best place to get advice. You just will have to be specific as to what problems you are encountering in life.

 

[Au Naturel]

Autism as an adult was easier for me. School was just one social nightmare after another.

21 is just a baby. I didn't get a decent job until I was 29 and didn't get married until I was 30. In between leaving home and getting married, it was a wild ride.

Everything I'd dreamed of as a kid disappeared and became impossible. I came to that realization somewhere in my senior year. My freshman year in college reinforced it. So I shifted from science to photography. And then learned I wasn't cut out for that either. Doing it for money took away the joy in it. Life for the next few years was like living in a pinball machine. But at least I was alone and could meet people on my terms and not be shoved into contact with situations I didn't understand with people who didn't understand me.

 

[Burneraccountforventing]

The first step would be to take the AQ test and check if you really might be autistic. If you seem to be, this may be the best place to get advice. You just will have to be specific as to what problems you are encountering in life.

I've taken a few online tests, and they usually have me lower on the spectrum, but still there. On the AQ test I got a 27/50, give or take a few answers I wasn't completely sure on.

 

[Burneraccountforventing]

Building on what @Outdated said, autism doesn't prevent you from developing or learning new skills, though it might be more difficult for you. In learning more about autism, you can learn more about yourself and what strategies work for you. Several members of the forum (including me) have been or are currently in leadership roles or are respected in their field.

Well, @Slime_Punk said pretty much the same thing, but at least it shows that several people here don't think you should be discouraged by your diagnosis, though I understand being worried. I also resisted for a while.

I appreciate it. And I just want to point out I'm not diagnosed, but I feel sure enough saying I probably am on the spectrum in some way. The past 24 hours have all of a sudden given an answer to countless instances or weird quirks about myself that I haven't understood the cause for.

 

[Rodafina]

@Burneraccountforventing

It sounds like this is brand new information flooding in. If you can, take a few deep breaths, try to relax about it and start learning. You are very welcome to hang out with us here and there is so much to learn and support available to you.

For many of us who self diagnosed or were diagnosed later in life, the learning took a long time until the realization was sure. Take it in slowly and you can adjust better.

We can help you sort out your thoughts and feelings as you go, because there will be a mix of understanding, advice, information, and camaraderie available to you here. It’s okay. This is not a death sentence. This is a new way to understand life and you can start learning about it now.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome! I have nothing to add to the excellent posts and commentary already made other than to say that we'll be here to talk about anything, and that true winners are those who, when faced with a challenge or barriers, persevere and adapt.

 

[Burneraccountforventing]

I'm just gonna add "symptoms" here to give anyone a better idea of what I do and don't struggle with.

loud noises, lights, and sensations don't bother me at all, aside from nails on a chalkboard or a wool blanket sticking to my dry skin. I don't think I struggle with understanding metaphors or jokes. But I guess when someone goes silent I might have a harder time understanding how they're feeling.

Eye contact is tough for me, I have to focus hard for a few seconds to maintain it in any situation, and it makes me anxious. Talking is tough sometimes, I have a hard time saying what I'm thinking and will either stutter a bit or start rambling to make a very simple point. I obsess over my interests a lot, and will go long periods of time only focusing on that one interest. I've been told that I'm a bit weird talking in groups, as I kind of focus on one person, though I've gotten better at including everyone. Large groups don't make me too nervous but after a while I feel drained. I've always had little ticks that have come and gone, small repetitive movements or noises I'll make throughout the day. It's hard to show emotion on my face and usually words and facial expressions will come out deadpan.

One that has been a potentially huge eye opener. My dreams are VIVID. I had night terrors as a child, I sleepwalk and talk all the time, and occasionally I'll even wake up mid sleepwalking. Dreams will often continue one story through multiple nights and occasionally I'll be lucid.

I'm also pretty artistic, often appreciating music, animation, and artstyle more than others. My memory and attention to detail is great and I've been told so by most of my peers.

 

[MyLifeAsAnAspie]

You know a 27 on the AQ means you are probably not autistic. Sounds like you should get evaluated to see what's up. Maybe your own ideas about depression and social anxiety were correct. Also, know that what you were like as a little kid is all telling, although female type ASD may not show until high school age. I'm happy to give an opinion if you want to try to make a case for why you think you are autistic.

 

[Burneraccountforventing]

You know a 27 on the AQ means you are probably not autistic. Sounds like you should get evaluated to see what's up. Maybe your own ideas about depression and social anxiety were correct. Also, know that what you were like as a little kid is all telling, although female type ASD may not show until high school age. I'm happy to give an opinion if you want to try to make a case for why you think you are autistic.

above this comment I listed a bunch of stuff, I'm also male. The family member that brought it to my attention also mentioned they noticed a good amount of symptoms in me as a young child, but I can't speak on most of it as I wouldn't remember for sure.

I also have a couple family members with diagnosed ADHD, including one of my parents. Though I've never been checked myself for anything.

I've attributed a lot of the stuff going on with me to some kind of ocd, and just left it at that. So I guess there's a chance it's just me being overly obsessive.

 

[Gerontius]

Hi Burner! Welcome to the forum and we're glad to have you.

I was reading your posts and they sound kind of like the mess I have found out. I'm autistic as in, diagnosed autistic, but I ended up having similar freak-out over the realizing that I probably have C-PTSD. I ended up taking that to a psychologist and he is helping me treat myself at home until I can get out and make it to a regular appointment.

Trauma is something many forum members have posted about so a lot of us are familiar. It may also be the root of depression and social anxiety for many people. I have been recovering my mental health for the last six years (or seven years?) and only now was able to address the elephant in the room, trauma that causes effects co-morbid to autism making everything worse.


Please stick around and I am sure you will find this place supportive.

It is possible you may be autistic but it would help you to be able to learn that in a clinical setting.

As for moving out, do not think you can't! You probably can.

 

[MyLifeAsAnAspie]

Why do you think they failed to identify you in school as a kid? With bad eye contact, if any other problems that interfered with school were present, they should have ear-marked you.

 

[MildredHubble]

Why do you think they failed to identify you in school as a kid? With bad eye contact, if any other problems that interfered with school were present, they should have ear-marked you.

I've asked this question of myself in regards to my own experience. Which to be fair was well before OP was born.

I don't think teachers really want to bother themselves with it. It's probably easier to ignore the problem and just chalk it up to awkwardness. I think attitudes have improved and with it, more cases of autism have been diagnosed. But if kids manage to mask well enough perhaps they still slip through the net?

I think my English teacher had her suspicions which she tried to bring up with my parents one parent teacher evening. This kinda backfired, much to the distress of my teacher. My mother got aggressive and started talking about how she was going to "sort me out" when she got home. I think this also potentially alerted her to my mother's abusiveness.

My teacher looked worried the next day at school and asked me if everything was ok and apologized if she got me in to trouble. She offered to give me a ride home as asked me a lot of questions which I recognise now from things like AQ tests. The key thing she said was that she had told my mother that she felt I "Struggled to express myself". This caused her to fly in to the rage.

So perhaps not the first time this sort of thing had been brought to her attention. The odd thing is that often my mother would tell me things like "if you play videogames you will become autistic", "I've noticed you are becoming 'aggressive', you are spending too much time on your own, people will think you are autistic." It seems a bit too coincidental to me.

So it could be the case that something similar happened with @Burneraccountforventing and the teachers decided not to pursue any further. Of course just pure speculation on my part.

 

[MyLifeAsAnAspie]

@MildredHubble Yes, pushback from parents was one possibility I had wondered about. Other possibilities are being home-schooled, or having a high intelligence which allows better masking even at a young age. We can probably thank the Autism Speaks idea, from back then, that autism=tragedy for causing a lot of unfortunate parent pushback.

 

[MildredHubble]

@MildredHubble Yes, pushback from parents was one possibility I had wondered about. Other possibilities are being home-schooled, or having a high intelligence which allows better masking even at a young age. We can probably thank the Autism Speaks idea, from back then, that autism=tragedy for causing a lot of unfortunate parent pushback.

Autism Speaks is an evil organisation. I'm sure they have more than just that to answer for! I learned about them through a YouTube channel, this was a couple of years ago, before I began to suspect I may be on the spectrum. They are an insidious little bunch of charlatans. They make it looks to the casual observer that they only want to support Autistic people, but when you look beyond the polish and gloss of their website, they seem to be on a mission to cleanse the world of ASD. I was really shocked!

 

[Judge]

You're seeking the truth about who and what you may be. Think of the truth as a good thing.

A resolve of sorts, especially if you sense your whole life has been one big mystery up to this point. Where you may be able to move forward once you have some critical answers to your life. In the meantime, coming here was a very good idea. A chance to interact with us, and discover what you may or may not have in common with us.

One basic consideration of it all, as you go on this journey of sorts. To know that the best course of action is never to lose sight of one critical thing. To keep whatever you know or learn on a "need-to-know" basis only. That you need to accept the possibility that not everyone will appreciate- or understand such a quest. That for the most part there are a very few who will want to understand and succeed. A few more who will want to understand and fail. Leaving the vast majority who will default to what they think they know. An expectation- even a demand that you should think as they do. So be careful about sharing such a revelation, even among those closest to you.

Welcome to the Autism Forums.