Passive autistic.

[NB79]

For some reason i didn't identified this trait or personality in me until now, or i did and didn't know it had a name or classification.

Is always nice to see there are other people like you with the same issues elsewhere.

Someone here can relate to this?

 

[Rodafina]

Describes me very well, but I’m tired of being that way. I’ve been too passive in life and learning how to be assertive is saving me from wanting to die. I’m gonna live life a little feisty from here on out.

 

[NB79]

Thing is, the lack of 'release valve' point is of concern for me i drown emotions and can't get them out.

 

[Progster]

Yes, I can relate to that. Especially the explosive meltdowns and upset stomach, though that's down to anxiety more than anything else. I can be feisty, though. I'm a strange mixture.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I can definitely relate, @NB79. Thanks for posting.

I've always resented being called passive, myself. I've had people say this as if I'm just too timid or too dumb to make the right choice. But, I grew up in a house where I wasn't really allowed to say no. I was also punished for my Autistic traits. I was forced to have the lights on or keep a window open while I slept, even when this caused me distress.

I also find when I do advocate for myself--say over sensory issues--people tend not to understand. Instead of being sympathetic, which is what I'm looking for, I get advice. "Well, you just need to do _____." I know how to regulate myself. The problem is when I'm not in a position where I can, which is how a lot of jobs are.

Also, if asking for help gets you nowhere, you'll stop asking. That happens a lot too. Then, if nobody helps you, people think you don't really need help.

I also knew as a kid that if I had meltdowns and acted out, I'd get in trouble. So I did try dealing in other ways, which probably led to keeping it in, too. But, that's a lose-lose. If I caused more trouble, I'd probably have been diagnosed. But, then some specialist would be teaching me coping skills which I basically taught myself. For me the "keeping it in" is basically because so few understand or want to understand. Though, that is slowly getting better.

If people are passive, I think it's because we're taught to be. I don't believe anyone is inherently this way, because babies cry for help. But, it's often flattering for people to call us passive instead of looking at their own behavior when we express pain or need. Do they listen? Do they help? Just because people don't listen doesn't mean I don't set boundaries or convey needs to them.

 

[Shamar]

For some reason i didn't identified this trait or personality in me until now, or i did and didn't know it had a name or classification.

Is always nice to see there are other people like you with the same issues elsewhere.

Someone here can relate to this?

Yes, this describes me well, probably hit 85%-90% on the characteristics list. The video describes me quite well. Like you, always knew I was different but had no name until age 60 (diagnosed). I think part of the passiveness is growing up constantly getting rejected and all the ... garbage (almost violated the language rules) dumped on us and not being allowed to react against it. If we do, we are labeled bipolar, or sociopath, or depressed socially anxious or anger issues, anything but autistic.

 

[Aspychata]

Think l decided at some point that passive was the way to get thru childhood to avoid explosive outbursts by an unpredictable step-father. But later, l had to learn to advocate for myself, and l also found myself advocating for those who can't speak up for themselves. I tend breakdown and cry. My anger usually goes to frustration with whatever the situation is. Crying is a good release. Think wanting to have friends is a personal decision. I think isolating is a okay solution when overwhelmed with thoughts, and l am able to examine my responses and deciding if it was appropriate. Just because l don't fit some social norm by friend choices or by choosing to isolate doesn't mean that l am not normal in my sphere of the world. Learning to advocate for one's self is important no matter what. Think being passive at times is a mask. Because at times l wish not to be noticed, not judged. Then there is no standard l need to meet or live up to in the social circle of work or random friends. My personal philosophy of how l live my life may not go over. So being passive means you, the random person will not dissect me, so it's a mask to me.

But l also feel being passive means you aren't living in the moment, you are letting life pass you by, so maybe you have to examine why you feel you can't be in the moment. But this is all subjective. Each person has their own take on this.

 

[Outdated]

It took me a while to collect my thoughts after watching that clip, although I immediately marked it as a winner.

While watching it and thinking about myself the term "passive aggressive" came to mind. That video really does describe what's going on inside me but the front everyone else sees is more along the lines of aggressive. In high school history lessons we were taught that there was an English saying that was partly responsible for the industrial revolution. This saying has stuck with me throughout my whole life:

God helps them best as helps themselves.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I think isolating is a okay solution when overwhelmed with thoughts, and l am able to examine my responses and deciding if it was appropriate.

This is a great point. I don't think many people get that we need space to sift through the overwhelming reactions we have to everything. They see someone passive, not someone actively trying to understand themselves.

Because at times l wish not to be noticed, not judged. Then there is no standard l need to meet or live up to in the social circle of work or random friends. My personal philosophy of how l live my life may not go over. So being passive means you, the random person will not dissect me, so it's a mask to me.

I agree with this too. Sometimes we offend others for reasons we don't understand, so you become quiet. People see someone passive, but you are actively avoiding anger, judgment, or hate.

But l also feel being passive means you aren't living in the moment, you are letting life pass you by, so maybe you have to examine why you feel you can't be in the moment. But this is all subjective. Each person has their own take on this.

Good point. That is a real danger.

 

[VictorR]

I've definitely been one of those who kept me peace and decided to "go with the flow" even when it was to my detriment and/or not what I've wanted.

Conflicts and unknowns scare me. But I'll continue to keep trying to interact with others, and when I'm feeling brave, to speak.

 

[Jordy]

Not every personality is a coping mechanism or caused by trauma.

 

[YabbaDabba]

That video describes my life. I don’t know a way out. Right now I need to maintain focus to keep my job and pay my bills. I absolutely need to address the issues described in the video.

I’ve built a wall around myself where no one gets inside. Its tough and it hurts but I’ve also found that in isolation I can start to enjoy hobbies again.

I need to take the wall down and thats why I joined this forum. But first I need more time to be comfortable with myself before I try to do it with others.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

It's my thought that there are those that are born with a passive, non-assertive type of personality, and there are those that these behaviors were shaped by their upbringing. For some reason, quite a few of us grew up with some rather toxic individuals, people who controlled us, people who instead of lifting us up, were often tearing us down. Some of us had to climb ourselves out of a deep hole, and others are making that climb, but yet to do so, and some never will. Yet others grew up with "helicopter" or "bulldozer" parents who never let us do anything by ourselves, any bit of "discomfort" and they cleared it out of the way, they hovered over us, and held our hands through life. The end result, we never learned to deal with anything in life that was truly difficult in terms of attaining life goals. When we did try, we didn't have the skillset and failed. So, we just give up and accept that this is the way things are, when really, if we had the supportive environment, we would have succeeded in just about anything we set our minds to.

Whereas, myself and some others, grew up with parents that were pretty much "hands off". In other words, if there was anything that I wanted, I had to get it on my own. If I didn't know how to do something, I had to learn. If I didn't have the money, I had to work. If I needed a ride, I had to figure out my own transportation, or I left early and walked or biked. I think it was my parents lack of control and support that actually formed the competitiveness, the goal setting, the insatiable hunger for learning, and lack of excuses when I failed several times. It often drove me to the types of anger and frustration that pushed me through, because if I set my mind to something, I was going to do it and if you were in my way, you were going to get run over. My parents never told me "No", but they were never going to help me either. So, I just went about my life, ignoring others, and just made my own path, and if there were obstacles, I just found out ways to go through or around them. It's literally, just within the past few years, that I have allowed or even listened to other's perspectives, but I've got 50 years of not giving "naysayers" any attention at all.

From an emotional and personality perspective, I believe much of the psychiatric component of a "passive Aspie" is often a result of the upbringing. People around you controlling your environment, dismissing your feelings, using you, and never giving you a supportive, learning environment that allowed you to be yourself, never allowed you to fail, get angry, frustrated, and have an outlet for your feelings. You're supposed to be able to verbally curse, cry, yell, etc.,...but, many of us were brought up to control ourselves and hide our emotions. I don't think that the video above really described what a "passive Aspie" is per se, as there were distinct autistic traits mentioned, and then there were "passive" behaviors that applied to neurotypicals, as well. I sort of compartmentalized the list of traits mentioned in the video. There was a comedy with Adam Sandler a while ago called "Anger Management" that highlighted much of what was mentioned with regards to passivity.

 

[Darkkin]

TW: Mention of self harm.

I avoid people on principle because I generally don't get much out of the interactions. My social circles are small and carefully cultivated. And as such, if I do meltdown those who matter know just to let me be. Let me take off with the dog or bounce the snot out of my yoga ball.

@Outdated mentioned the term passive-aggressive, how many of us flip the aggression to ourselves in some form of self harm? Scratching, finger clenching, biting, etc...to release the overwhelming tension? How many of us devalue ourselves to the point that damage to ourselves means very little, but causing harm or upset to any one or anything else is inexcusable?

Nobody is going to notice, let alone care, that one has maimed one's self. In essence, we become our own target for these overwhelming emotions because who's going to talk about something like that, moreover, who is going to take the time to listen?

Bad coping mechanism? Definitely, but in the litany of bad coping mechanisms, it is one of the lesser evils because the impact is limited to one's self and it is an easy secret to keep because no one is going to ask about what they don't know. As much as it sucks it restores a certain baseline functionality and equilibrium. It is an atypical release valve in a meltdown situation. It is fight or flight when it gets locked into overdrive.

From a personal standpoint, I don't want interaction, I just want to get as far away from others as fast as possible. If that means a three hour walk in nasty winter weather, then so be it. It might not seem logical, but it is a way out. A way to simply get away from the trigger source. Space = safety. Space = time.

And just like with the battle ravaged Enterprise, time allows us to get the bridge and computers back online. It might take a while to recover the warp drive, but impulse power at least allows one to be reasonable again. These blow ups and meltdowns aren't something one grows out of they are an inherent neuro-pathway that hardwired at a very early age. In shutdown mode, one hides it and that can delay a blowout or major meltdown for often months at a time. It is major masking and profound social camouflage because those roiling emotions are not socially acceptable. They are seen as weakness and a drastic personal flaw.

 

[Aspychata]

The interesting thing about just pure passive type behavior is that it allows me to recognize others and step out of my shell to connect with them. And often times l feel these types can be the best friends for me. I find that some are quite caring and full of emotions and are very straight forward people. So l truly don't want to fault the passive way of life. As @Neonatal RRT mentioned, with hands off parenting, you are forced out of this, and you learn to disregard those around you and your focus becomes survival and competition is a wayside result. So my environment did force me to know when to step out and advocate for a group of co-workers. I also find employers and managers are likely to respect my opinions, even though l am passive by nature.

 

[Rodafina]

TW: Mention of self harm.

I avoid people on principle because I generally don't get much out of the interactions. My social circles are small and carefully cultivated. And as such, if I do meltdown those who matter know just to let me be. Let me take off with the dog or bounce the snot out of my yoga ball.

@Outdated mentioned the term passive-aggressive, how many of us flip the aggression to ourselves in some form of self harm? Scratching, finger clenching, biting, etc...to release the overwhelming tension? How many of us devalue ourselves to the point that damage to ourselves means very little, but causing harm or upset to any one or anything else is inexcusable?

Nobody is going to notice, let alone care, that one has maimed one's self. In essence, we become our own target for these overwhelming emotions because who's going to talk about something like that, moreover, who is going to take the time to listen?

Bad coping mechanism? Definitely, but in the litany of bad coping mechanisms, it is one of the lesser evils because the impact is limited to one's self and it is an easy secret to keep because no one is going to ask about what they don't know. As much as it sucks it restores a certain baseline functionality and equilibrium. It is an atypical release valve in a meltdown situation. It is fight or flight when it gets locked into overdrive.

From a personal standpoint, I don't want interaction, I just want to get as far away from others as fast as possible. If that means a three hour walk in nasty winter weather, then so be it. It might not seem logical, but it is a way out. A way to simply get away from the trigger source. Space = safety. Space = time.

And just like with the battle ravaged Enterprise, time allows us to get the bridge and computers back online. It might take a while to recover the warp drive, but impulse power at least allows one to be reasonable again. These blow ups and meltdowns aren't something one grows out of they are an inherent neuro-pathway that hardwired at a very early age. In shutdown mode, one hides it and that can delay a blowout or major meltdown for often months at a time. It is major masking and profound social camouflage because those roiling emotions are not socially acceptable. They are seen as weakness and a drastic personal flaw.

Thanks for your post, @Darkkin. It definitely helps me figure out how I feel about all of this. The way you described it is very meaningful to me.

 

[Seladon]

Thanks for posting, the topic of assertiveness and autism is rather unexplored to date.

It’s something I can relate to as an autistic adult woman who has tended to act too passive. It’s sad and frustrating how it’s led many of us into underemployment or underachievement, loneliness, and misunderstanding.

Does anyone who’s overcome passivity have tips or resources to help with becoming assertive? So far the only advice I’ve had that sounds logical is to try some sort of self defence class or martial art, dance/bodywork, or singing (opens a blocked throat chakra apparently)

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

For some reason i didn't identified this trait or personality in me until now, or i did and didn't know it had a name or classification.

Is always nice to see there are other people like you with the same issues elsewhere.

Someone here can relate to this?

I am passive in the sense I struggle to ask for help too for the fear of being rejected.
But I am never a pushover and if someone comes to threaten me or try to stamp on me, I never let them.
I will never let someone push me over and then think they have to doors to come back into my life until that door is slammed I will never know peace.
I cannot stand toxic relationships, I hace had enough of them and will not continue being used and abused by people who think they are higher.
I hate feeling like this but I do not know how I can let someone do that to me when I am very unwell and have already been hurt so severely by others.
I like feeling peace and that people are for me and kind to me and God is too.
All I want to do is slam the door on people who hurt me permanently or shut it quietly and for them to never come my way again.
So I can find peace from their manipulative and self centred behaviour.
And find people who actually care about me geniunely and have good intentions for me.