Overly emotional response to someone snapping at you

[granolaturtle]

I don't usually cry, but I'll think about it for a long time afterward, trying to analyze it. It really, really bothers me when I make someone snap and I feel guilty about for a long time.

 

[WereBear]

It is such a crushing thing to have happen, because I am doing something with absolutely no malice.

 

[23andaspie]

This morning I was turning into the parking garage on the way to work which is in the downtown area, so there are a lot of pedestrians (but a lot of traffic too). I turned as this woman was walking across near the turn in. I wasn't close to her as if I was close to hitting her, but I guess I should have waited and let her cross first, because she coughed and turned back to look at my briefly (not in a super rude way or anything, I actually felt bad). The thing is is that it's a hard turn to make because you don't have a light or anything and you end up holding up all the cars in that lane (there is only a left lane and right lane).

Either way, I felt really bad about it. I know this is a rather minor example but I think it is illustrative because even with something so small, I tend to have a very intense emotional response, though as someone with ASD others often cannot pick up on it observing from the outside how strong these feelings tend to be.

 

[AspieFella43]

I don't like being snapped at either. What I usually do is just try to ignore the situation if I can. I just figure that person is having a bad day. I don't usually say anything unless someone lets me know I'm the one they're mad at.

 

[WereBear]

I have also come to learn that the average NT person has completely forgotten about it within an hour.

 

[aspaquarian]

I think that's one of the reasons I hate it so much. I have never snapped at anyone, and I never would, I just don't process and express emotion like that, and am too concerned with others feelings. I can't understand what motivates people to treat others like that and as such don't know how to react appropriately.



Yes I often retreat to the toilets or some other isolated area to have a break and try and calm down a bit. Having others around with demands or asking what's wrong just makes everything much worse!

My mom snapped at me just for asking her what she was looking up on the internet. I snapped and asked her why she was reacting that way to me when I thought she was fasinating. Then after I left her alone for a few hours she came to me and explained why she reacted to me that way and it all worked out for the best.

 

[Eloise01]

I do the exact same thing - the needless bursting into tears is so uncomfortable, because then people try to comfort me and I really don't respond well to getting touched. Before I know it, I'm crying even more and it's one big ol' mess. The most recent time I felt like crying was two weeks ago at work, I did a task incorrectly and my boss told me that if I "didn't know what to do, don't even try."

I did my best, I felt it wasn't good enough - and hey, I still feel awful about it.

However, I've learnt the best method for me personally is this: BREATHE DEEPLY, REPEAT MANTRA, NEW TASK.

Deep breaths, shut off my mind and just repeat either under my breath or just in my head "it's actually okay, mistakes are okay" over and over. Then, focus in completely on a different task. Before I know it, I've forgotten what has upset me because I'm so zeroed in on something different that when it bubbles back up afterwork, it's not so inapporpriate to experience the emotion.

 

[LostInSilentHill]

Yeah I get super upset. Once at work, someone snapped at me really harshly and I spent the day avoiding everyone and trying not to cry. I wanted to quit my job even. I avoided that person for the rest of my time working for the company.

 

[Misery]

Depends on what you consider to be an "emotional" response.

I'm a negative individual with no patience and a very short fuse. If someone snaps at me, I tend to get a bit... "unpleasant". Not violent, fortunately, but my typical blazing anger tends to surface pretty abruptly and I can get more than a bit mean.

It can be hard to deal with. Generally if I sense a possible situation brewing, I just leave rather than get caught up in it. Not that that happens much since IRL I just keep to myself most of the time.

Either way though, I certainly understand having overreactions to this one. Can definitely sympathize.

 

[CarefullyChaotic]

For me it doesn't even have to be a snap at me. I work at walmart and sometimes the bosses get quite demanding at times. I had a manager come to me once and say "I need this done in 20 minutes. It should be done by then." Well I wasn't very sure I could do it by then, or why she put a limit on it?
I thought, ok, she thinks i'm playing and I'm being slow or what? I said Ill try, and she said no trying, this cant take longer than that and she left. I continued a few minutes by then I was fighting tears. I went to a higher boss and told her my concern and she just said well if you think you can do it in that time, whats the problem?
which then I couldn't control the tears cause somehow she had misunderstood. And I couldn't handle the negativity any longer so I agreed and left and went to the restroom and cried and then went back and finished my task, I finished in 25 min after I began again. What does 5 min matter? It didnt, no one said a thing, but I was still shaken, and It still bothers me, it was months ago.
I have sense had two instances where I successfully fought back tears at work. I think of something else something pretty or a song, i watch or listen in my head. Then I tell myself that I DO NOT want this person to see me cry. Then and only then do I put my attention back onto the subject and the person that is bothering me

 

[Destination Unknown]

I recently had a situation where a coworker got me into a rage by falsely accusing me of getting some equipment shut down due to improper use. He wouldn't back off, so I threatened to go up the hall and get the bosses involved to get it resolved.
Luckily, our direct supervisor was in the room when it came to a head, and he went off on me and yelled that I could go F myself. That got me into a rage, and pretty stressed out for the rest of the day. Later my supervisor asked why I let him get to me like that. He knows he's just doing it on purpose to get me going.
Outside of our day job, I have employed this coworker to do many jobs for me over the years. It just happens to be that I have a need for about a dozen storage sheds, and he had designed the sheds and given me a price quote of $3000 each to build and deliver them. The next morning when I came in the office, I took his written quote back to his desk and said "here, I won't be needing these. Now, you can go F yourself". We sit 10 feet apart and haven't spoken for 2 months. He goes on like nothing ever happened. I stick to myself now.
I don't know how this situation will be resolved anymore than it is right now. I feel I'm owned an apology before I have anything to do with him again and that's never going to happen. It's also very likely I could be his boss by the end of the year so things could get interesting.

 

[Uncertain ways]

I usually spend a bunch of time thinking of sarcastic things I could have said back to them.

Yes, I do the same thing after the feeling of being hurt passed. Unfortunately, I usually can't think right away of an sarcastic response and it comes much later when everything is resolved already

 

[Uncertain ways]

I recently had a situation where a coworker got me into a rage by falsely accusing me of getting some equipment shut down due to improper use. He wouldn't back off, so I threatened to go up the hall and get the bosses involved to get it resolved.
Luckily, our direct supervisor was in the room when it came to a head, and he went off on me and yelled that I could go F myself. That got me into a rage, and pretty stressed out for the rest of the day. Later my supervisor asked why I let him get to me like that. He knows he's just doing it on purpose to get me going.
Outside of our day job, I have employed this coworker to do many jobs for me over the years. It just happens to be that I have a need for about a dozen storage sheds, and he had designed the sheds and given me a price quote of $3000 each to build and deliver them. The next morning when I came in the office, I took his written quote back to his desk and said "here, I won't be needing these. Now, you can go F yourself". We sit 10 feet apart and haven't spoken for 2 months. He goes on like nothing ever happened. I stick to myself now.
I don't know how this situation will be resolved anymore than it is right now. I feel I'm owned an apology before I have anything to do with him again and that's never going to happen. It's also very likely I could be his boss by the end of the year so things could get interesting.

I understand your need for an apology. In this kind of situations I feel like I don't wonna have anything to do with the person after. But it's difficult to completely avoid at the working place. If you do not have to interact with him it's fine. I don't believe either that an apology will follow. Some people just don't care or think it's ok to take their issues out on other people.

I believe people think that I am reacting too sensitive, it seems like that's their explanation and excuses their behaviour. I used to hear this a lot from family members when I reacted very emotional to being snapped at.

 

[Larisa]

I have also come to learn that the average NT person has completely forgotten about it within an hour.

I marvelled how can they do it? Then I noticed they treat bosses' yells like bad weather. Just like boss is a deity and has every right to pour abuse down on them as he pleases.
That's not what I signed for in my working agreement. I can not take it - and I treat the boss as just another human - like myself. On the distance and with attention if he is nearby.
It amused many bosses in my working life and they sometimes let me talk and raise the business' problems needed to be solved.
My collegues were shocked every time that I survived aproaching the boss with talk of troubles ahead.
But finally I got yelled at for bringing up the problems the boss refuses to acknowledge.

I cried as I went out of his office.
I was ashamed of my tears in the past, but I realised that I feel hurt and terrified and I don't care how do I appear on the outside.
In the office I tried to logically explain my opinion, I have sound reasons to ground my position on - I can't do what the boss wanted from me and my department.
I realised that I can not work further and I'm quitting in 10 days (they asked me to stay for a month - it's tough time now - when I announced my desicion to resign).

My collegues think I'm weird but I feel like being caged - I realized that I can do nothing to change the impossible situation. Let the others try and do what I can't. Good luck to them.
As I talked with the boss about my resignation I have got all the confirmations of my 'unreasonable' decision: he mocked me, demeaned me to be shallow and stupid to not know what's good for me (he 'knows better' than I), threatened that I won't find such a well-paid job.
These are my real fears, I know and feel them.
But from my experience I have learned the hard way to never stay close to a person, who throws my fears to my face.
Me fears are just my well-grounded assumptions for the future, but this person does try to browbeat and break me into submission this very second in reality in present time.
The real danger for me - the person who pushes me now.

 

[Maelstrom]

That can sometimes be the final drop, when I already feel overwhelmed and saved up on emotions.

Same sometimes I am trying to learn to think empathically on why a lady I like does it if she is upset with me...even if I don't understand why.
I have given up on finding someone who treats me perfectly...it just seems not to exist
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Hi Eloise01...nice to see you, are you still broadcasting?
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I marvelled how can they do it? Then I noticed they treat bosses' yells like bad weather.

Hi Larisa hope you find something better soon...yes maybe NTs do better in jobs than us because they recover from such shocks quicker than us.
I am tough enough to stand them down now...but that is good for dealing with ladies patience and softness when facing such social shocks is hard to learn...but I try!
I try and try!
I don't know when life will ever reward my efforts, the journey seems endless!

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I totally overreact to people snapping at me, and I can be very easy to snap at I'd hate to admit. I tend to snap right back at that person (I'd advise against it), and may say some pretty hurtful things only to realize it AFTER the fact and deeply regret it; I also tend to say some bad things about the person who snapped behind their back if there is someone else present to recount this to.

The regret phase can be even worse, it's where I burrow way, way deeper into the hole. I start directing the anger at MYSELF instead, and I would start a whole new full-blown tantrum of self-loathing. Worst of all, I'm just unable to stop myself. I keep on burrowing deeper, scratching the metaphorical wound to the point of infection. In the worst cases I might even slap or punch myself in the face...

Then comes another phase: over-apologizing to the person who originally snapped. I should be aware by this time that perhaps they're not ready to magically forgive me after falling victim to the first two phases, but I just keep demanding it because I don't want to be in a fight with someone I care about. Yet their feelings are already hurt and that pushes me even more into self-hatred. My doc told me that it's selfish of me to demand forgiveness. I'm still in a total meltdown, it's just terrible. This can all just spiral out of control taking more than an hour of our times - all simply triggered by someone snapping at me. They snap at me, and I just...snap.

Why do I always respond like this? Is it low self esteem or my general dislike of impatient NT's? Is it my inability to adapt to things that are sudden? Am I just making excuses here? Patient NT's don't snap at me; yes - even me. They just don't lose their cool! But for those who do, I just don't know how to prevent myself from reacting this way. Does anyone else exhibit similar tri-phasic reactions to someone simply snapping at them? Any tips on how to stop it all before it starts and just tolerate the fact that someone simply snapped at me?

 

[HappyHermit]

I tend to agree with the 'final straw' line of thought mentioned upthread.

I'm often on the verge of complete exhaustion because I work diligently, don't generally speak without thinking and weighing up the possible impact of my words on others, and also simply because I have to consciously act my way through each day in ways I don't particularly care for.

I also encounter numerous issues almost each and every day that I now need to sort out because someone else wasn't doing their job properly. This doesn't just concern work. If a service professional or administrator I deal with in a private capacity screws up, I still have to deal with the consequences. Often these are mistakes that I would be read the riot act for and never allowed to forget if I made them, but that become miraculously excusable and forgettable when someone else does. (As if that alone wasn't enough!)

So when, despite all of this, someone decides to either grossly overreact to a mistake I made, to an unintentionally ambiguous phrase or blames me for something that's nothing to do with me, you bet I have a reaction. I tend to get extremely angry.

I don't act out, of course, but I do tell people, and I stop exhausting my patience. It's definitely always the end of all pretend-small talk and other performance acts I tend to be expected to put on, usually indefinitely. If the people who snap at me did it because they're exhausted and stressed - well, I'm pretty sure that mostly, I'm right there with them. And if I can manage, so bloody well can they. If they don't, the unspoken deal we had, were I act NT and they don't use me for target practice or as a pressure valve, is off.

If it's in the street or with a stranger, I'll snap back or bully back or whatever the original offence was. There is no such thing as 'being the bigger person'. There's just letting people get away with being s**** or letting them experience the consequences so that they'll hopefully think twice next time. I've never yet had an escalation. They expect people to walk away and take it, especially people read as female. It was worse when I was younger and avoided confrontation: in the streets, otherwise seemingly normal people would bully me, harrass me and even follow me around; at work, I was often used for target practice. Confrontation and consequences work far better for me.

Emotionally, I can also let things go better after externalising how I feel. Sucking it up and biting my tongue will haunt me for months, if not years.

For me, living a 'normal' life with 'normal' expectations comes with a lot of built-in strain. If I stopped acting altogether, though I wouldn't be hurting anyone or failing my job, I would still in all likelihood be let go on some pretext or other. I would be excluded from interest that need to take place in group settings. And the stress from all that conscious processing, relentless pretending, sensory overload and general tedium of NT-expectations is there on top of the normal stresses and strains of life that other people, most presumably NTs, find so exhausting they need to snap at me. They're sick, someone in their family is sick, they're caring for their elderly, they have financial problems not of their own making? Well, I'm not magically exempt. Been there, done that, probably doing it now. And I don't walk around just randomly snapping at people as whim strikes me, do I?

So yes, final straw.

 

[Full Steam]

I can't be the only aspie reading this as the occasional snapper?

My reaction to being snapped at is usually either, numb silence, a fast and sometimes excessive verbal slap down, or when I'm in total control I just ask them not to snap at me.

The first two are not voluntary reactions.

I also snap as this Is a common bump in the road to meltdown, and my meltdowns are usually verbal explosions, or rants.

I have zero control over them, and for the ones that are actual meltdowns, I always have a great sense on injustice against me, and very little recall of said injustice.

One example. Riding home on my motorcycle I was hacking through grid locked traffic, on a dangerous bit of road, with car drivers getting too close and trying to block me. A car lurched out to block me(I think she was trying to see ahead and didn't know I was there, but she was very close).

I lost it, and stopped next to here open window and shouted at her. I have no idea what I said, only a strong sense that I was in the right. I remember her shocked face and that's about it, but I felt I was in the right.

It only now, 10 years later that I can see wasn't trying to kill me, only look ahead, and I was not in the right at all, just massively overloaded.

Just worth baring in mind, the snapper may be a melting down aspie.

 

[ftfipps]

I like what you said about you would never snap at someone like that yourself, so you don't understand why they are doing it. IMO you are probably making better choices than that person since you aren't putting yourself under so much emotional torment. I'm starting to learn that snapping at someone means that the other person is probably under unimaginable stress and strain and they are forced to bottle it up most of the time. You are even tempered and logical.

Don't feel bad about yourself getting yelled at. Emotions cloud rational thinking. People who tend to make decisions based on emotions rather than reason often have hard lives.

 

[Destination Unknown]

I recently had a situation where a coworker got me into a rage by falsely accusing me of getting some equipment shut down due to improper use. He wouldn't back off, so I threatened to go up the hall and get the bosses involved to get it resolved.
Luckily, our direct supervisor was in the room when it came to a head, and he went off on me and yelled that I could go F myself. That got me into a rage, and pretty stressed out for the rest of the day. Later my supervisor asked why I let him get to me like that. He knows he's just doing it on purpose to get me going.
Outside of our day job, I have employed this coworker to do many jobs for me over the years. It just happens to be that I have a need for about a dozen storage sheds, and he had designed the sheds and given me a price quote of $3000 each to build and deliver them. The next morning when I came in the office, I took his written quote back to his desk and said "here, I won't be needing these. Now, you can go F yourself". We sit 10 feet apart and haven't spoken for 2 months. He goes on like nothing ever happened. I stick to myself now.
I don't know how this situation will be resolved anymore than it is right now. I feel I'm owned an apology before I have anything to do with him again and that's never going to happen. It's also very likely I could be his boss by the end of the year so things could get interesting.

As an update to this, we ended up working out our differences, and I'm not going to be his boss.