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"nt" dating an "as" male?
- Thread starter tapian
- Start date
I've seen it work out grand, I have an Aspie male friend who's NT girlfriend is very happy.
I like Dizzy have known some people who are really happy. All relationships have issues and ups and downs that doesn't mean its going to be easy and having AS can be a little bit harder to deal with. The whole truth is anything is worth while is hard work especially relationships. Relationships are hard for Anyone.
Jacki Cucinotta
Well-Known Member
I am an aspie female who's been dating an NT male for about 2 years now. So yes, it's very possible for an NT/AS relationship to be successful.
I'm an aspie male. All of my relationships have been with neurotypical females, and they have always worked out fine, occasionally I'll say or do something callous or otherwise "aspie-ish" that will rub them wrong... but for the most part I've never had any relationship troubles that could be attributed to me being an aspie.
Jordan
Technology Advocate
I'm an Aspie-male, and I have not dated or had a relationship since I had one in my high-school years. For me it's difficult; because of the traits that an average Aspie has, it's actually hard to stay in that relationship with a neurotypical. I remember only lasting 4 weeks in a relationship with an NT; because I'm different they see me as a hollow shell, so they dumped me. But that was back when I was 15. It's been 3 years and I haven't had a relationship with anyone since, because of my bad experience. Although I'd love to have a girlfriend, but my Aspie traits are holding me back.
Any advice?
Any advice?
Hey Jordan this breaks my heart to read. You have been single since 15 because you are afraid to approach women after one bad experience? I would love to give you feedback or chat. Maybe we can help each other. I too have had the problem with feeling my bf is as you say "hollow" but it could be that I need help understand why he is that way. It leaves me feeling emotionally unconnected and unwanted or needed. Looks like you are online now I would love to chat. -Tapi
I am sorry Tapian that I have not gotten back with you sooner. I am having difficulty in my relationship. I am not receiving what I need emotionally. I have tried to communicate my needs and explain how NTs are different from AS's. I have really tried to learn about AS behavior and I am just asking for a little understanding in return. I just don't think he gets it. I have read so much on this forum and am trying to be patient and understanding. He just thinks I should know how he feels. I have given examples, shown him, explained, and I just feel like it is a dead end. I realize we are different but I thought if I compromised and tried he would try to but I am just not seeing it or feeling it. I am sorry I sound so pessimistic but I will keep trying and see how it goes. How is it going with you?
Girlblue22
Well-Known Member
Hey I am an NT female dating an AS male (3 years) and I badly need some friends or people to talk to that understand. Its very hard cause I can't talk to him. My friends aren't very fond of him because they don't understand it and it makes me feel alienated but I love him.
It has been a very hard battle. I have loved and cried and hurt so much for him, I have done so much research for him and tried to gain so much understanding because that's the kind of person I am. I want to make him happy and I want to understand him. But I feel like he meets me halfway only when he realizes I'm ready to walk away. Most of the times if I tell him in the moment something was hurtful he'll understand and apologize, but then bounce right to the next convo that he wants to talk about. It hurts cause I feel like there is no remorse, though I know he meant it when he said sorry.
Ive struggled understanding him and I still am trying to. But right now he's at a point that I don't understand. He didn't have a good childhood at all, his family didn't help him that much and still won't, so he has admitted to me that he has the mindset to do what he wants and take what he wants. So to me it feels like he doesn't consider my feelings and stuff. I understand his want and need for space but the way he goes about it doesn't communicate that with me it leaves me in the dark feeling abandoned and alone.
I managed to get us free counseling because of my job. However I reached out to his family and they aren't any help at all. He never had anyone point out or really teach him about his aspregers till me. Noone has ever loved and cared for his needs like I have. And I just feel like its not appreciated. All his life people would call him names even his family members called him a "devil child" because they misunderstood him. I am the one that sat him down and explained to him why he thinks the way he does and that he's not stupid and its not negative or anything like that. Ive opened his eyes to who he is and his potential and I don't feel appreciated, and I don't know what I am doing wrong or why he won't think about how he makes me feel....
It has been a very hard battle. I have loved and cried and hurt so much for him, I have done so much research for him and tried to gain so much understanding because that's the kind of person I am. I want to make him happy and I want to understand him. But I feel like he meets me halfway only when he realizes I'm ready to walk away. Most of the times if I tell him in the moment something was hurtful he'll understand and apologize, but then bounce right to the next convo that he wants to talk about. It hurts cause I feel like there is no remorse, though I know he meant it when he said sorry.
Ive struggled understanding him and I still am trying to. But right now he's at a point that I don't understand. He didn't have a good childhood at all, his family didn't help him that much and still won't, so he has admitted to me that he has the mindset to do what he wants and take what he wants. So to me it feels like he doesn't consider my feelings and stuff. I understand his want and need for space but the way he goes about it doesn't communicate that with me it leaves me in the dark feeling abandoned and alone.
I managed to get us free counseling because of my job. However I reached out to his family and they aren't any help at all. He never had anyone point out or really teach him about his aspregers till me. Noone has ever loved and cared for his needs like I have. And I just feel like its not appreciated. All his life people would call him names even his family members called him a "devil child" because they misunderstood him. I am the one that sat him down and explained to him why he thinks the way he does and that he's not stupid and its not negative or anything like that. Ive opened his eyes to who he is and his potential and I don't feel appreciated, and I don't know what I am doing wrong or why he won't think about how he makes me feel....
With an upbringing like that, his coping mechanisms will be ingrained not to trust anyone. He knows he has to be self reliant and people are uncertainties.
Goes with the territory of Aspergers I think.
Do not think he doesn't appreciate you even if he can't express it. On the flip side of course is that he might not and you are wasting your time(!)
But, I'd err on the side of caution in that somewhere inside he knows that you are trying to look out for him and he will be happy with that and want it to continue.
Its tough going through life as an undiagnosed aspie, and we tend to carry scars and defences built up over the years.
I would just say that you need to get through to him some of your concerns when in a safe and calm environment with plenty of time and no distractions
I wonder if he accepts that he is an aspie? If someone doesn't accept who they are, it makes life difficult. You have told him what you think he is like, what does he think?
If he is in denial you're probably wasting your time pushing him.
Goes with the territory of Aspergers I think.
Do not think he doesn't appreciate you even if he can't express it. On the flip side of course is that he might not and you are wasting your time(!)
But, I'd err on the side of caution in that somewhere inside he knows that you are trying to look out for him and he will be happy with that and want it to continue.
Its tough going through life as an undiagnosed aspie, and we tend to carry scars and defences built up over the years.
I would just say that you need to get through to him some of your concerns when in a safe and calm environment with plenty of time and no distractions
I wonder if he accepts that he is an aspie? If someone doesn't accept who they are, it makes life difficult. You have told him what you think he is like, what does he think?
If he is in denial you're probably wasting your time pushing him.
reveric15
UMC Pastor in North Carolina, USA
I second much of what tarragon said. We Aspies can get very defensive and it is hard to trust others. If we do trust you then you have earned a loyal companion for life. I have an Aspie friend and he is very suspicious of people like I am. We became good friends even before either of us knew we were AS. It just made sense I guess.
Many people discount AS as just the diagnosis of the times. The problem is that it has not been handled well or fully understood, though things are getting better. AS is a neurological anomaly where our brains process the world differently than the majority, or neurotypical culture. It does not reduce our humanity in any way.
He has feelings, desires and aspirations just like you do. But he expresses them differently and that expression does not often match yours. Also remember that he is a guy and you are a girl! From different families and environments..so those are also in play. His AS is only one difference, which is largely social/interpersonal.
If he continues to trust you and support you then you know he cares deeply for you and is appreciative, even if he does not understand why AS is any big deal. I can hear myself say, "and?" to my wife's reminder that I did not thank her for something. We don't get your worldviews, but we still love our NT peeps. In fact we much prefer our Aspie worlds. They are part of who we are.
My guess is that you may have expectations of this guy and your relationship which are unreasonable for your situation. Maybe you dreamt of a Prince Charming and didn't get all you hoped for. He isn't changing, and neither should you. It is important to relate to one another in the terms of the other. You two need to work on understanding one another's language, even though you don't speak it. You speak French but he speaks Spanish. Sometimes words will mean the same, but other times they are different or incomprehensible. You will never speak Spanish and he will never speak French. But trust me, I am very happily married to an NT lady and we get along, translating for one another as we go.
Many people discount AS as just the diagnosis of the times. The problem is that it has not been handled well or fully understood, though things are getting better. AS is a neurological anomaly where our brains process the world differently than the majority, or neurotypical culture. It does not reduce our humanity in any way.
He has feelings, desires and aspirations just like you do. But he expresses them differently and that expression does not often match yours. Also remember that he is a guy and you are a girl! From different families and environments..so those are also in play. His AS is only one difference, which is largely social/interpersonal.
If he continues to trust you and support you then you know he cares deeply for you and is appreciative, even if he does not understand why AS is any big deal. I can hear myself say, "and?" to my wife's reminder that I did not thank her for something. We don't get your worldviews, but we still love our NT peeps. In fact we much prefer our Aspie worlds. They are part of who we are.
My guess is that you may have expectations of this guy and your relationship which are unreasonable for your situation. Maybe you dreamt of a Prince Charming and didn't get all you hoped for. He isn't changing, and neither should you. It is important to relate to one another in the terms of the other. You two need to work on understanding one another's language, even though you don't speak it. You speak French but he speaks Spanish. Sometimes words will mean the same, but other times they are different or incomprehensible. You will never speak Spanish and he will never speak French. But trust me, I am very happily married to an NT lady and we get along, translating for one another as we go.
Well, i don't know if my story fit your question, but i've been in a relationship for 4 years with an NT man, however, the lack of information from both sides about my AS behaviours make things hard for me and even worse for him. And because this lack of information and even understanding our relationship sadly collapsed... because i apparently can't be the typical girlfriend, and so on.
So, based on my own experiences, i can say that the key for make things better is understanding, since its not easy for an aspie (and i can only speak for me, since every individual is unique) to have the perception of the details that is desirable in a relationship under a NT perspective. The awareness is also very important too, because if you know what is causing trouble you can try fix or reach an agreement on how to improve the situation
So, based on my own experiences, i can say that the key for make things better is understanding, since its not easy for an aspie (and i can only speak for me, since every individual is unique) to have the perception of the details that is desirable in a relationship under a NT perspective. The awareness is also very important too, because if you know what is causing trouble you can try fix or reach an agreement on how to improve the situation
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