Newbie requisite first post - I've crashed the struggle bus

[Vanden Plastic]

Okay. I'm a 45 *gulp* year old man, hetero, single, and currently unemployed. I do have ADHD, diagnosed as an adult, but have been doing a lot of research and am fairly sure I'm on the spectrum as well. Most of what's listed under "autistic burnout" applies to me right now, so my writing here might be a bit choppy and kinduva mess. Through most of my life, I don't think anyone has really suspected I was autistic (even myself). I'm not an introvert by choice, and at first and second glance, I seem to fit in okay... except for being a bit quirky and seemingly stuck on a couple things that most normal people handle with aplomb. It would also appear that I might be a bit unmotivated and even lazy, and I have suffered from severe depression at times, which has been untouched by any medication I've tried over the last 25 years. I can tell that it's 100% situational, as it immediately lifts and I can start to function when I'm in a romantic relationship. I wish it wasn't this way, but it's hardwired into every fabric of my being. I knew that I wanted to be married and have a family of my own since I was a small child... say about 4 or 5. I don't know where this came from, as my parents didn't do too well at being married, and therefore didn't do a heckuva lot to encourage me to have healthy relationships. I'll probably save some of this for the Love, Relationships and Dating section instead of bloviating here, but I will say that I have had a couple of long term relationships- and it was during those were the times that I've thrived.

I think the reason that no one suspected my neurodivergence is due to the fact that I was fairly gifted, and that I've always been pretty self-aware and have gone out of my way to fit in, modifying my behaviors on the fly as soon as something I said or did netted a negative response from others. I somehow was able to "not apply myself" or "isn't working to full potential" and score in the 97th percentile on standardized testing. This would become increasingly difficult as my deep depression ramped up quickly in the 3rd grade; I was only able to maintain my good grades for a few more years before the depression was too much to juggle with everything else in life. I kept myself going by daydreaming about my future and how much brighter that would be once I was old enough to find someone to share life with... you know the drill. I've recently realized that my biggest hindrance has probably been an EXTREME fear of rejection.

Now that I'm realizing that I'm getting kinda old, and have watched my friends grow up and live their lives and do the things I promised myself that I'd do when I grew up, I'm here. I hope I'm in the right place.

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome, @Vanden Plastic. Hope you enjoy the forum and can learn a lot about yourself and autism here. We have heaps of lived experience shared throughout the forum. Let us know if you need any help settling in.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Vanden Plastic, welcome.

Sorry, you are experiencing "burnout" and are seeking some help and guidance here. However, just to clarify, not all "burnout" is "autistic burnout". So, before you pull the trigger on your self-diagnosis:

DSM-5 criteria for autism: Diagnostic Criteria | Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) | NCBDDD | CDC

See if any of this applies. More specifically, for it to be considered "a condition", the criteria must be a life-long and persistent, not to be confused with something that happens every once in a while.

Forgive me, but do understand that many of us that do have autism often experience people who unknowingly minimize our condition because of "Oh, I've experience that, too." or "Everyone is a little bit autistic." In reality, autism is a prenatal, genetic and epigenetic, neurodevelopmental condition that is associated with neuro-anatomical differences (neuron structure and migrational patterns) that can result in neurotransmitter imbalances, connectivity and connectivity differences, neuro-motor difficulties, immune dysfunction, and gastrointestinal dysfunction. It is a medical condition with secondary behavioral traits. Unfortunately, it is still diagnosed in the psychologists office, not the neurologists office in 2024.

Every autistic individual is neurodivergent, but not all neurodivergence is autism.

 

[Xinyta]

Glad to have you with us, @Vanden Plastic

From what it sounds like, you definitely heavily masked to fit in. It's rather common for us NDs to do that. I'd reccomend looking into AuDHD(Autism with a ADHD comorbid), if you haven't already.

We have plenty you can look at here in posts and in site resources, as well. If you are unsure about anything. Don't be afraid to ask.

 

[marc_101]

Welcome @Vanden Plastic!

 

[Aspychata]

You sound like you have excellent adaptability skills. But perhaps your dark side of feeling depressed can make you question everything and perhaps relationships provide a distraction in that respect. The last men in my life suffer from depression. So l would like to welcome you to the forum, you will find support here.

 

[tree]

 

[ASD_Geek]

Welcome! There are a lot of great people and resources here!

 

[AndyFBlues]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[kriss72]

Okay. I'm a 45 *gulp* year old man, hetero, single, and currently unemployed. I do have ADHD, diagnosed as an adult, but have been doing a lot of research and am fairly sure I'm on the spectrum as well.

Hi @Vanden Plastic , welcome here, 45 is a good age, and you will fit right in and not be alone with being that age nor being late (self) diagnosed with both adhd and asd - we are several here - I was diagnosed with both past 50, it has been life changing (for the better). A relationship can both be a blessing and a curse, happy to hear you at least have had some good experience with it, even you haven't found the one and only (yet) - looking forward to hearing your story about it in a different thread....

Oh, even if you had an official diagnosis from a doctor, you would probably still doubt it from time to time (I take your "fairly sure" as there at least some times is at least a hint of a doubt... just saying, that is normal).

 

[AspieChris]

Aspberger’s here. Been depressed on and off for my whole life. I tried several medications too, and they don’t work. Meds are for fixing a problem. I’m not broken so there’s nothing to fix

Absolutely everything you said about work, love, depression, and burnout sounds like you were inside my head. I wanted a family since I was about 5 years old (I’m 50 now).

I was fortunate to find my wife when I was 25, and I have been at the same job since I was 17. I did have a couple of long-term relationships when I was young, and life was definitely more stable when I was happy and in love. I’m faced with retirement now and the ‘unknown’ future scares me to death.

What you have described sounds like you need more stability in your life. At your age, women are attracted to a man with a stable future. You would definitely benefit from a stable job. What about working towards stability in your career? My guess is that a solid relationship would follow, even if you’re not trying.
I

 

[SusanLR]

Glad to have you on board.
Look forward to more posts later.

 

[Vanden Plastic]

@Vanden Plastic, welcome.

Sorry, you are experiencing "burnout" and are seeking some help and guidance here. However, just to clarify, not all "burnout" is "autistic burnout". So, before you pull the trigger on your self-diagnosis:

DSM-5 criteria for autism: Diagnostic Criteria | Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) | NCBDDD | CDC

See if any of this applies. More specifically, for it to be considered "a condition", the criteria must be a life-long and persistent, not to be confused with something that happens every once in a while.

Forgive me, but do understand that many of us that do have autism often experience people who unknowingly minimize our condition because of "Oh, I've experience that, too." or "Everyone is a little bit autistic." In reality, autism is a prenatal, genetic and epigenetic, neurodevelopmental condition that is associated with neuro-anatomical differences (neuron structure and migrational patterns) that can result in neurotransmitter imbalances, connectivity and connectivity differences, neuro-motor difficulties, immune dysfunction, and gastrointestinal dysfunction. It is a medical condition with secondary behavioral traits. Unfortunately, it is still diagnosed in the psychologists office, not the neurologists office in 2024.

Every autistic individual is neurodivergent, but not all neurodivergence is autism.

I'm actually not comfortable with self-diagnosis, and am in the process of trying to get myself in for a neuropsych evaluation. While I do know a fair amount and have been researching for the last 6 months or more, I'm definitely not a professional. As I've been trying to get things moving in that direction, I lost a cat that I loved to pieces, and it has derailed me even more... I'm going to keep trying.

I've been looking at diagnostic criteria, reading, watching YouTube videos from creators who are on the spectrum; I'm painfully aware of the dismissive "We're all a bit autistic" stuff, and have had a number of people write off my concerns that way. While I am a people person, I have struggled with many aspects of social interaction over my life. I do have a number of special interests that I'm quite deeply into, though I'm good at glossing over them when I'm around other people who don't "get it". I have some odd facial expressions, and I often have to make sure that I'm displaying the right look and holding the right posture to match my voice when speaking to someone. I fidget a lot. I learned to use humor to mask my awkwardness in some social situations, and can usually articulate well in a professional environment, but I don't think it comes as naturally for me as it does many others.

 

[Vanden Plastic]

Hello and welcome, @Vanden Plastic. Hope you enjoy the forum and can learn a lot about yourself and autism here. We have heaps of lived experience shared throughout the forum. Let us know if you need any help settling in.

Thanks much. I appreciate it!

 

[Vanden Plastic]

Hi @Vanden Plastic , welcome here, 45 is a good age, and you will fit right in and not be alone with being that age nor being late (self) diagnosed with both adhd and asd - we are several here - I was diagnosed with both past 50, it has been life changing (for the better). A relationship can both be a blessing and a curse, happy to hear you at least have had some good experience with it, even you haven't found the one and only (yet) - looking forward to hearing your story about it in a different thread....

Oh, even if you had an official diagnosis from a doctor, you would probably still doubt it from time to time (I take your "fairly sure" as there at least some times is at least a hint of a doubt... just saying, that is normal).

From what I've read, it sounds like other people will often doubt it, too. I'm guessing this will be especially true for people who are particularly adept at masking their traits.

 

[kriss72]

From what I've read, it sounds like other people will often doubt it, too. I'm guessing this will be especially true for people who are particularly adept at masking their traits.

Yeah, it will be harder to see for others if someone is very good at masking. I had been masking for so long that I didn't really knew who I really was anymore, finding back to the real me has been an ongoing process.

I haven't had anyone tell me they doubted my diagnosis though.... also not trying to hide it anymore, which might help others to understand it

 

[Vanden Plastic]

Aspberger’s here. Been depressed on and off for my whole life. I tried several medications too, and they don’t work. Meds are for fixing a problem. I’m not broken so there’s nothing to fix

Absolutely everything you said about work, love, depression, and burnout sounds like you were inside my head. I wanted a family since I was about 5 years old (I’m 50 now).

I was fortunate to find my wife when I was 25, and I have been at the same job since I was 17. I did have a couple of long-term relationships when I was young, and life was definitely more stable when I was happy and in love. I’m faced with retirement now and the ‘unknown’ future scares me to death.

What you have described sounds like you need more stability in your life. At your age, women are attracted to a man with a stable future. You would definitely benefit from a stable job. What about working towards stability in your career? My guess is that a solid relationship would follow, even if you’re not trying.
I

I wish I did have more stability, and could focus on a career. I actually started out my adult life being reasonably productive and stable after having to pull myself together to get through high school. HS was a tough slog, and it was here that I came to the realization that I wasn't going to function well alone. I decided to take a year or two off before starting college, knowing that being single wasn't going to bode well for my academic performance.

So, I know this is going to sound like the start of some serious co-dependency issues, but I'm actually... not? I've always known that relationships/marriages are a two way street, and that both parties need to give and take to not end up with one person depleted. I don't need a mother; I actually can cook and clean and do my own laundry. I kinda suck at keeping my bills in order and paid on time, though, even if there's money in my checking account to pay them. The big thing I need is a strong connection with someone who cares about and is there for me, and I'm always there for her as well. I'm not sure why having someone has always been so important to me, and I know that the amount of emphasis I put on it isn't exactly normal. That's been one thing I absolutely cannot change... meds, therapy do nothing.

I kept working on improving myself and have learned much from my past failures, but I finally imploded after a breakup back in 2013. Everything came apart, and about the best I can do now is try to feign normalcy during these alone times. For better or worse, I spring back to life when someone comes into my life, and I am able to breathe again. My special interests become interesting again, and I even enjoy some alone time on occasion. The big problem is that people are noticing the huge change in my demeanor, and embarrassingly, my mood can fluctuate depending on how things are going with this new person... I've had enough failures early on, that part of me is in fear waiting for the other shoe to drop. If things last past a couple months and we're getting on well, I start to stabilize, and my depression will drop to background levels. I don't like having this flaw, but I've lived with it long enough to know that it's baked in.

 

[AspieChris]

I wish I did have more stability, and could focus on a career. I actually started out my adult life being reasonably productive and stable after having to pull myself together to get through high school. HS was a tough slog, and it was here that I came to the realization that I wasn't going to function well alone. I decided to take a year or two off before starting college, knowing that being single wasn't going to bode well for my academic performance.

So, I know this is going to sound like the start of some serious co-dependency issues, but I'm actually... not? I've always known that relationships/marriages are a two way street, and that both parties need to give and take to not end up with one person depleted. I don't need a mother; I actually can cook and clean and do my own laundry. I kinda suck at keeping my bills in order and paid on time, though, even if there's money in my checking account to pay them. The big thing I need is a strong connection with someone who cares about and is there for me, and I'm always there for her as well. I'm not sure why having someone has always been so important to me, and I know that the amount of emphasis I put on it isn't exactly normal. That's been one thing I absolutely cannot change... meds, therapy do nothing.

I kept working on improving myself and have learned much from my past failures, but I finally imploded after a breakup back in 2013. Everything came apart, and about the best I can do now is try to feign normalcy during these alone times. For better or worse, I spring back to life when someone comes into my life, and I am able to breathe again. My special interests become interesting again, and I even enjoy some alone time on occasion. The big problem is that people are noticing the huge change in my demeanor, and embarrassingly, my mood can fluctuate depending on how things are going with this new person... I've had enough failures early on, that part of me is in fear waiting for the other shoe to drop. If things last past a couple months and we're getting on well, I start to stabilize, and my depression will drop to background levels. I don't like having this flaw, but I've lived with it long enough to know that it's baked in.

It’s not co-dependance to want love in your life. And it has nothing to do with washing dishes or doing laundry. These things are chores that need to be done, and running a home successfully involves dividing up household responsibilities based on skills. I wash almost as many dishes as my wife. She does the laundry because she does ut better than me. I maintain the cars because I have the skills for that and she doesn’t.

The problem I faced (and it sounds like you’re facing it too) is that the wanting for love and companionship turns into silent desperation. I almost married the wrong woman, three different times (different women). It drove me to commit to the wrong person several times in my life.

I wouldn’t put too much value on all of the advice you get about love. If you meet someone who makes you happy but is unconventional, then go for it. Just remember that the kind of woman you want probably wouldn’t be cruel enough to steal someone else’s man, so don’t settle for ‘Mrs right now’ because ’Mrs right’ might pass you by. The best relationships begin with chance encounters.

 

[Hokulea]

Welcome @Vanden Plastic.

 

[Forest Cat]

Hello, welcome to the forum.