I do feel for all of your situations, and not only for your daughter, based on the information expressed so far. I realize there are usually two sides to every story, too. Other questions I ask could help me learn more, too, so until I have those answers I will try to be balanced in my response regarding as each entity could have merit in their beliefs, claims, behaviors or attitude, or as each could be contributing to the distance between the daughter and the family.
First, it is not talked about on this forum much, but being a parent of a child with any condition can be a lot harder than persons imagine, as we have extra responsibilities that most parents do not have, and we often have to parent in ways that is far different and more than we ever imagined, and to change ourselves or our doings in many ways in order to create a more healthy and peaceful environment, to not involve much stress and conflict.
In many cases, it is almost impossible for parents to figure out if certain signs or symptoms of Autism for instance are part of the condition, and thus cannot or should not be changed, versus what traits are because of ineffective parenting and need to be tackled. Many parents of Autistic children are often confused what is the right or more proper thing to do. Society will critique them for whatever they do, and for those truly caring special needs parents, they often get little support for all their daily efforts.
In general, we as parents try to think of our children as typical children in "some" ways, so as to not lower our teaching efforts or change our parental method, but we see them with more needs and more unique abilities and interests that we will tend to too. So, although we parent our children in certain ways as we would parent a typical child, like in not being too lenient or overbearing and being consistent, fair, loving and constructive, we realize they have extra issues, and we provide those, and we accept and appreciate their special differences.
What is hard to know how to reply about your situation is although everyone who replied in this thread made much sense in their replies, there are important things I would want to know first like: What caused the marital breakup? How did the daughter treat you both before that, and how did you both treat the daughter prior to the breakup? Did she ever tell you she wanted the marriage to not dissolve? What were the daughters Aspergers signs and symptoms like?
Society should be aware, that those on the Spectrum can have different personalities, separate from their conditions. I feel they are no more or less prone to being overly nice, spoiled, or having more neutral personalities than NTs, as personalities are developed not just from genetics, but from environmental conditioning as well. So, it could be unfair to generalize that the Autistic daughter was either being wronged by any family member, or is being selfish, without knowing more.
Although it is possible that the daughter could have felt justifiably upset by one or both parents, and so then the divorce and aftermath caused things to spiral out of control, we cannot assume that the Autistic daughter had realistic expectations. Everyone in this life deserves to be happy, and to not change much who they are, and with reasonable expectations not to be abandoned by a daughter if there was much love and efforts shown all those years, and in absence of any abuse.
If the marriage was making either spouse miserable, or the divorce was needed to lessen any severe anxiety in the household, the daughter needs to accept that as well. The mother has a right to feel emotion and show emotion, and the father has a right to not be a part of a marriage that is making him unhappy, too, just as the Autistic child has a right not express like NTs. But, shutting someone completely out of ones life, yet her accepting the mother's money seems a bit contradictory?
Is that because of selfishness and lack of empathy coming from the daughter, or did the daughter feel like that is how love was shown more growing up by giving in those monetary ways? And so the emotional distance between you all now? But, I balance that with the fact the daughter seems to be pretty functional despite her condition, and so one or both parents had to do something right all those years, as many with Aspergers could be even less successful and independent.
I realize many with Aspergers are less comfortable with either expressing or feeling emotional closeness, and need space, and they can be more sensitive or needing things more precisely, so if either parent showed or are showing too much of any emotion, or wants things their own certain ways, this may not help. It is unfair in ways, as I said, as we cannot assume the supposed NT can change the fabric of their being, either, and especially if the expectations of the one running away seem unrealistic.
So, I have no way of knowing if this is an Aspie situation causing the distance between the daughter and the family, or from environmental conditioning or just selfishness on her part, or past abuse of any kind. Without having more answers, my recommendation is, if you are able to pay for the rest of those expenses, until she graduates and secures employment, then do so, but with her feeling no strings attached from you. Then once she gets a job, cut the finances off to her, wish her well, and tell her you will be there for her should she want to see you as a friend, as once she left home she should be making the decisions and the parental type relationship expectation with the daughter should be strongly lessened.
She will likely come to you, if she wants to contact you or needs you, but again my best advice from the amount of information I know so far, is after she gets a job, if she still no longer wants you in your life in any way, assuming you do not make her feel guilty anymore for shutting you all out until she gets that job, and after she knows you still care and will let her from now on initiate contacts, only then consider ending financial ties to her, as she cannot have it both ways. In life she cannot expect to keep getting from one, but not giving.
As a parent, we are saving up for our children's possible future college education, and their medical expenses will be covered until any long term job, but if they can work one day and be independent, we hope they would consider being our "friend" and still open to us, if we could not help them financially after that. We would not push them, but just be there for them upon any other non-monetary need. If however, they need us because of being less able to be independent, we will be there for them in all ways.
but
