New member and have some bits to ask!

[Skye81]

Hi,
I just have a few things to ask other people with aspergers..

Do you.... forget to make visitors drinks and things like that and maybe only remember later when it feels like it's a bit late to ask at all!
Same with conversation - do you.... forget to ask how people are or how their holiday was or how work is etc..?
I have always forgotten to make people drinks as soon as they arrive, although over time I now know to do that. I might still forget to get on with it immediately though and if we're having a gathering I will let people in and then they'll wander off and my husband will then ask if they want a drink and I think 'oops'.
I always forget to ask about other people.. I don't mean to not ask but for example I'll stand at the school to collect the children and someone will speak to me. They will ask me things and they will remember things and ask me about them. I will be fine to answer and I will natter on and laugh.. but I find I'm racking my brains for what to ask them about. Then another parent will turn up and they'll ask them all the things I realise would've been good for me to have said..... !!
Often, before the school run I think about all the things that would be nice to ask certain people. Reminding myself that one mum had a hospital appointment or that someone has been on a holiday.

Does any of this sound familiar to other people? Thanks.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Hi and welcome

As for your questions, yes to both!
Unless the person is actually coming over for tea I will generally completely forget about offering drinks (generally because I'm stressed about unexpected visitors, my tea friends are the only ones that are ever invited), and then remember after they have left and feel bad about it.
I also completely forget about asking the expected 'how are you' 'how was you weekend' type of questions, unless I'm just bouncing peoples questions back at them. And I'm rubbish at small talk, I never know what to ask people it order to keep a conversation going, and will forget what a person has said as soon as we part ways so there's no chance of catching up on how things have progressed the next time we meet...

 

[Adora]

Yes I'm terrible I sometimes forget to say hello and my husband has to sometimes remind me to do it,ive have gotten a bit better about asking someone how they are but I still slip up at times,but I still struggle with chit chat I'm either so quiet that people think I'm upset or I'll go on and on about a topic of interest, there is no happy medium with me.

 

[StephF]

Hello Skye

Yes, that all sounds familiar. Welcome to AC

 

[metalminx24]

Yup, both of those things!!

 

[Skye81]

Thanks for your replies. I also always forget to offer my husband a drink when I'm making myself one..! I tend to realise afterwards when it's too late.. Eek. Such little things but sometimes they feel huge!

 

[Suzanne]

First, very huge welcome and you really couldn't have chosen a better forum

Well, actually I am so not wanting guests, that I make an extra big effort to be friendly and it is my husband, who is in charge of drinks and gets rather upset when I see that he is procrastinating and they are still without a drink and ask! So in this respect, no.

But I am dreadful for asking after people. I never say things like: please pass on my love or regards. Or more to the point, I have to force myself to say. Sometimes it does come naturally, but that is generally when I like the person; I am just not into false politeness and rather do anything to not be force, but inevitably, have to and hate it with a passion.

 

[Progster]

Yes, I forget, not because I don't know that it's polite to do so, but because I'm focused on other things and I just forget. But another issue is that it's a lot more complicated than just asking them if they want a drink, I also have to ask them if they want sugar and milk, then remember what they say - the whole thing is complicated and can be a bit too much if there are many guests - I don't want to get involved in it.

 

[Skye81]

I know what you mean! Tea and coffee is a nightmare. I'll ask about drinks then go to the kitchen and feel too uncomfortable asking about milk and sugar because I'd forgotten to already ask! Blah!

 

[Beverly]

I don't ask "How are you?" or any such unless I want to know. I do find other things to mention, but I rarely ask direct questions as a part of idle banter. I will say things like "I see you got a new car." "I'm liking that color on you (referring to clothing or a new hair color)" I heard you bowled a 200 game last week."

With guest in my home, I greet them as they arrive, then say "The bar is open and, the Keurig is ready to go so, make yourself at home, it's self service around here." Problem solved, if they want something to drink, they will get it themselves. I never remember to get drinks for guests until I need a drink myself, so it's best just to eliminate the need to remember in the first place. No one is offended, they just think you are really relaxed, friendly and, open with your home when you make drinks self serve. Of course I do hire a bartender and/or sommelier for a formal occasion but, that's expected.

 

[Sully]

Yes to everything you said.

 

[Nisk]

Can't recall ever asking someone if they need something when they come over. I just assume they'll get it themselves if they want something. Although it's only ever close friends and family that come to my house.

 

[CalDomine]

Oh, yes.
I have started to replace the greeting "Hello" with "How are you doing?", making it the first thing I say.
If they tell me, I'm lost.
If they just accept that our pleasantries are now complete and move on, then I'm fine.

I don't mean to be rude when I don't ask, but I gain nothing from knowing, so it doesn't enter into my head naturally.
Always a forced question.

 

[tree]

Oh, I see why this didn't sound familiar to me.
"Visitors."
There are no visitors.
Unless you count cats.

I always get food & drinks for
visiting cats.

Any 'visiting' with humans takes place
on the phone, on-line, or possibly
outside when I go for a walk. Or go
specifically to one of the two places
on this road where I know people.

OK---maybe mail lady counts? No.
FedEx/UPS...no. Those people are
doing their jobs. Not making social
visits.

 

[Harry1965]

Yes to everything

 

[Cosmophylla]

You have described me very well! We have a kind of unspoken agreement that my husband is in charge of drinks because I just forget. I'm so overwhelmed with trying to make conversation that there is no room in my head for anything else. Trying to remember who wants tea, who wants coffee, who wants sugar and how much, etc., is just a joke.

I really love cooking for friends but I almost never do because I find it impossible to prep food and converse with a guest at the same time. It will make me forget ingredients, or forget to turn on the oven, or forget some other vital step. I find it so embarrassing...

And the school run conversations with other parents, or with relatives, or anyone... I just can't remember all those things to ask about. So I don't go into the school and just wait in the car, and I avoid gatherings, parties, etc.

Sometimes it's just amazing that I can be so intelligent with some things like remembering the binomial nomenclature of hundreds of plants, but can't make three people a cuppa!!!!!!!!!!

 

[updownrightleft]

I don't forget, I just never knew that I should. But I've learnt to think consciously about these matters. So I forcibly say: How was your day today? Because I know I would in his place want someone to care.

Social smalltalk I always had trouble with, and still today.
I don't find appropriate things to say. But as above, I've accumulated things that I convey without natural interest.

I have no visitors, but if I know one likes a particular bewerage, I'll ask him. Will I forget? Who knows until I begin to have visitors.

 

[inabox]

Yep. Me too. When people I know well enough come to visit me, they know I will forget, and will make themselves a drink, which I'm ok with. And If I know the person well enough they seem to realise that I won't straight away ask them how they are... when the initial "shock" of seeing them is over, I'll ask them how they are, and they are ok with that. As for people I don't know very well... that's a different story

 

[BlueConundrum]

I absolutely loathe having people over and I almost never do it. No one has entered my apartment for over two years now except for me, some exterminators, the maintenance guy, my landlord, and some city inspectors. [Edit: I just remembered one person who stopped by to meet my cat, so ONE person has been here]

I lived at my last place three years and I think I had visitors maybe four times. That's a generous estimate.

Now, let me tell you, since I am not accustomed to visitors, I am a horrible hostess. It wouldn't even occur to me to offer drinks unless I was having a party, which I've done literally twice since 1997 (I had a party for my 19th birthday and one for my 30th). I never have food or drinks that anyone would want. I never really have anything to drink in my place except coffee and tap water. I don't have nice glasses or anything. Oh god, I'm cringing even thinking about this.

I had one friend that I don't really hang out with anymore because she was always wanting to drop by at a moment's notice. I need at least a day to prepare for someone to come over!

 

[Skye81]

Sometimes the school mums invite a couple of us for tea before school pick up and either i cant make it or I'll just hope that conversation will flow between them and I'll just fit in when i have something I can say. It really worries me so I'd rather not.. and when I do I'm so tired afterwards. I feel bad as I don't really invite them here. Certainly not as a group. Never in fact. I've had one mum over but that has to be well planned and then I spend ages on the house and I get so stressed before they arrive!! It's really not worth it!!! I wish I found all that easier and more normal and relaxing. But it's never got easier.