(a.k.a. "Turning Manipulator: Part 3")
Hello. For those who don't know me, I'm Inator, beginner videogame developer with a somewhat successful fangame on my portfolio (xD), physically 22 years old, mentally 13 years old. I'm registered since about 3 years ago, back when it was still named "AspiesCentral Forums"; at first I was self-diagnosed with Asperger's, but I've changed a lot lately, and now I have an official diagnosis... for AsPD, aw.
Since last time I wrote a post here, my social skills and coping mechanisms have changed a lot, for the better. You're free to agree or not with my way to do things, all I'm doing here is to share what I think in hope it could help someone because... well, it just "works" for me, but you be the judge. Excuse me if this topic isn't as much carefully-written as my other ones though, but I honestly got quite bored mid-way, sorry.
First of all, I've learnt that our brain changes its physical shape throghout the years, all the way until our death. The mind feels to be always constantly changing too, based on the stuff we experiment IRL, the conclusions we take, and so on. Let alone that lots of brain cells die and are also generated, everyday.
I'm not an expert in psychology, just an unlicensed software programmer who studies animation and arts, but as the curious & creative(tm) human I am, I allow myself to have my own theories; that the "brain" is like a computer that runs a program. The software can glitch up and may or not get fixed, the hardware can break by inside/outside factors, but overall be much harder to fix in comparison. If the software learns there's an issue though, it will try its best to fix or workaround it (kinda like "attack" or "run" natural strategy). It seems like software rather prefers to "fix" the software, and "workaround" the hardware issues, though (and well, it's the only way to do things on computers anyway :v). Don't get me wrong, I don't think we are mere "chemical bags", what I actually believe, is that our "souls" have been inserted into those mechanic "physical bodies"; compare it to sci-fi productions where someone controls a giant robot suit from inside.
Mind's "hardware" would be the brain's "material" and pre-programmed functions, by physical design. Such as the "feelings" processing, "translating" the input vision into proper "format" for your "soul"'s "screen", the "body needs water" alert (hypothalamus-handled "thirst"), automatic sexual desire, etc. Someone with, say, strong epylepsia, is definitely "bad hardware", for instance; brain cell's material isn't made the way it should, making it difficult or impossible to run the software, even if actually "correct" (why does an old overheating GPU display "artifacts"?). If you get a strong hit in the head and lose some memories, that's a "hardware's" issue too.
Now, assuming the hardware is "correct enough" (nobody's perfect, but assuming it passes the human's "Q&A Criteria"), the self-programming "software" (kinda like A.I. bots do) could result being good or bad, depending of the many circumstances. It's meant to experiment (input) and react (output) upon the given situation, while running a "self-protection" process in the background. Proper input should give a proper output. For example: If someone had the average-good upbringing, its software can self-develop very well, if the person aims to be "smart" and has good-enough quality hardware, the software can "optimize" itself to "output" a more accurate/faster/ect result too. However, if the environment is incredibly bad, the resulting software could misuse the hardware very bad, or outright break it. For example, if someone's been "mentally sane", but he happens to survive a car accident and all of his family dies but him, it may be some more difficult for him to sleep the next days, thus killing many brain cells.
By the way, could be my impression, but it LOOKS LIKE "sensitive" and/or "naturally smart" people have better-than-average hardware, but because their thought process is much more "detailed" and "fine", but they are easier to break, deeply. If regardless having good hardware the subject gets convinced (and falsely "proven" by some evil person) to have bad memory, subject will first believe to have bad memory, then eventually WILL behave with bad memory, perhaps simply by not "trusting" his. And who knows, if he's unlucky, others could take approach from that and turn it even worse, and/or he may remain this way until his death, too bad.
By logic, the greater your math formula is, the more chances you have to get a single number wrong, and especially if during initial phases, the final disaster looks a lot worse (a videogame can have many kinds of bugs, and once you learn the reasoning behind some of the biggest ones... uhhh).
Did you know that Google's A.I. used to classify black people as gorillas? Not because racism, it's just that their database simply had more photos of white people; the information wasn't diverse enough, so it fell into what we'd humanly call "prejudice". This seems to be a logical law of sorts, and because this, I couldn't care any less if someone claims that "I have autism", it's that person who should know better.
I'll now try to explain how I've classified such conclusions, based on all information I could humanly process by comparing myself to someone of almost my same age who's very close family, and whose "hardware" seems to be incredibly closer/similar as mine (genetics, blood system, and many other things I can't mention).
This guy's quite sensitive; his life though hasn't got a huge load of negativity targeted towards him like I do. He's very sane and lucky, a "winner" in almost anything he tries to do. The people he spent with during his upbringing did positively encourage him to feel "powerful and capable" too. Sometimes he'd take approach of his "powers" for his better good (evil and not evil), making he feel a lot better with himself in return.
On my side, it was all the contrary. I'm very sensitive too, used to be a "normal & sane" guy up until I was 10 and half (I THINK), then my bad environment "broke" my hardware and software. My mom built "fake memories" to brag about how I don't remember anything, and during my teenhood I had been very forgetful. My dad was a horribly "correct" person, and I unfortunately learnt a lot from that; When my closer people were like "you shouldn't feel X way when Y happens" and vice-versa, they made me doubt of my own judgement, and worsen up my social skill. When certain person made me feel like I couldn't talk to someone else properly, the less capable I was to make proper eye-contact (too overwhelming). I was fed-up with "mistakes" on almost anything I tried (except logics!), so I've tried to compensate by avoiding them at all costs (workaround), spending more than half my energy on this task everyday, and I was very nervous/paranoid overall, turning me very repetitive and clumsy, and thus piling up more "mistakes" to put me even deeper in this hole. The software looks quite unoptimized and maybe glitched to this point, right? When I was 10/11 years old, my dad hit his "mental crisis", and he treat me so bad that my hardware glitched up too: I begun seeing eyes and faces on any texture, everywhere (like this, except in my case it's all angry staring human faces, would move at times too).
I could have kept for all the rest of my life in this way... IF I hadn't been forced to lie so constantly to cover my ass up (against impossible situations) :v. This way I begun learning how "manipulations" work, to others and myself. Average adults are experts at applying it overall, so it filled me with rage and hatred for the world. Seriously, are children the only human beings capable to be openly "real"?. Certain day, I decided to quit trying to improve upon myself, it was just useless. I didn't want the "Asperger's curse" to follow me through all my life, crippling every single one of my actions and thoughts. I made my own set of "morale principles" based on how my feelings "naturally" work (It's better this way, it takes a bit of "common sense" to realize that a "rule" doesn't "equal" good/correct), see myself as "main" and others "secondary" (because unless the sacrifice was worth it, I'm my life's own protagonist, it's that simple, doesn't mean I'm selfish), and so on. All this is what I call "mind-hacking".
Hello. For those who don't know me, I'm Inator, beginner videogame developer with a somewhat successful fangame on my portfolio (xD), physically 22 years old, mentally 13 years old. I'm registered since about 3 years ago, back when it was still named "AspiesCentral Forums"; at first I was self-diagnosed with Asperger's, but I've changed a lot lately, and now I have an official diagnosis... for AsPD, aw.
Since last time I wrote a post here, my social skills and coping mechanisms have changed a lot, for the better. You're free to agree or not with my way to do things, all I'm doing here is to share what I think in hope it could help someone because... well, it just "works" for me, but you be the judge. Excuse me if this topic isn't as much carefully-written as my other ones though, but I honestly got quite bored mid-way, sorry.
First of all, I've learnt that our brain changes its physical shape throghout the years, all the way until our death. The mind feels to be always constantly changing too, based on the stuff we experiment IRL, the conclusions we take, and so on. Let alone that lots of brain cells die and are also generated, everyday.
I'm not an expert in psychology, just an unlicensed software programmer who studies animation and arts, but as the curious & creative(tm) human I am, I allow myself to have my own theories; that the "brain" is like a computer that runs a program. The software can glitch up and may or not get fixed, the hardware can break by inside/outside factors, but overall be much harder to fix in comparison. If the software learns there's an issue though, it will try its best to fix or workaround it (kinda like "attack" or "run" natural strategy). It seems like software rather prefers to "fix" the software, and "workaround" the hardware issues, though (and well, it's the only way to do things on computers anyway :v). Don't get me wrong, I don't think we are mere "chemical bags", what I actually believe, is that our "souls" have been inserted into those mechanic "physical bodies"; compare it to sci-fi productions where someone controls a giant robot suit from inside.
Mind's "hardware" would be the brain's "material" and pre-programmed functions, by physical design. Such as the "feelings" processing, "translating" the input vision into proper "format" for your "soul"'s "screen", the "body needs water" alert (hypothalamus-handled "thirst"), automatic sexual desire, etc. Someone with, say, strong epylepsia, is definitely "bad hardware", for instance; brain cell's material isn't made the way it should, making it difficult or impossible to run the software, even if actually "correct" (why does an old overheating GPU display "artifacts"?). If you get a strong hit in the head and lose some memories, that's a "hardware's" issue too.
Now, assuming the hardware is "correct enough" (nobody's perfect, but assuming it passes the human's "Q&A Criteria"), the self-programming "software" (kinda like A.I. bots do) could result being good or bad, depending of the many circumstances. It's meant to experiment (input) and react (output) upon the given situation, while running a "self-protection" process in the background. Proper input should give a proper output. For example: If someone had the average-good upbringing, its software can self-develop very well, if the person aims to be "smart" and has good-enough quality hardware, the software can "optimize" itself to "output" a more accurate/faster/ect result too. However, if the environment is incredibly bad, the resulting software could misuse the hardware very bad, or outright break it. For example, if someone's been "mentally sane", but he happens to survive a car accident and all of his family dies but him, it may be some more difficult for him to sleep the next days, thus killing many brain cells.
By the way, could be my impression, but it LOOKS LIKE "sensitive" and/or "naturally smart" people have better-than-average hardware, but because their thought process is much more "detailed" and "fine", but they are easier to break, deeply. If regardless having good hardware the subject gets convinced (and falsely "proven" by some evil person) to have bad memory, subject will first believe to have bad memory, then eventually WILL behave with bad memory, perhaps simply by not "trusting" his. And who knows, if he's unlucky, others could take approach from that and turn it even worse, and/or he may remain this way until his death, too bad.
By logic, the greater your math formula is, the more chances you have to get a single number wrong, and especially if during initial phases, the final disaster looks a lot worse (a videogame can have many kinds of bugs, and once you learn the reasoning behind some of the biggest ones... uhhh).
Did you know that Google's A.I. used to classify black people as gorillas? Not because racism, it's just that their database simply had more photos of white people; the information wasn't diverse enough, so it fell into what we'd humanly call "prejudice". This seems to be a logical law of sorts, and because this, I couldn't care any less if someone claims that "I have autism", it's that person who should know better.
I'll now try to explain how I've classified such conclusions, based on all information I could humanly process by comparing myself to someone of almost my same age who's very close family, and whose "hardware" seems to be incredibly closer/similar as mine (genetics, blood system, and many other things I can't mention).
This guy's quite sensitive; his life though hasn't got a huge load of negativity targeted towards him like I do. He's very sane and lucky, a "winner" in almost anything he tries to do. The people he spent with during his upbringing did positively encourage him to feel "powerful and capable" too. Sometimes he'd take approach of his "powers" for his better good (evil and not evil), making he feel a lot better with himself in return.
On my side, it was all the contrary. I'm very sensitive too, used to be a "normal & sane" guy up until I was 10 and half (I THINK), then my bad environment "broke" my hardware and software. My mom built "fake memories" to brag about how I don't remember anything, and during my teenhood I had been very forgetful. My dad was a horribly "correct" person, and I unfortunately learnt a lot from that; When my closer people were like "you shouldn't feel X way when Y happens" and vice-versa, they made me doubt of my own judgement, and worsen up my social skill. When certain person made me feel like I couldn't talk to someone else properly, the less capable I was to make proper eye-contact (too overwhelming). I was fed-up with "mistakes" on almost anything I tried (except logics!), so I've tried to compensate by avoiding them at all costs (workaround), spending more than half my energy on this task everyday, and I was very nervous/paranoid overall, turning me very repetitive and clumsy, and thus piling up more "mistakes" to put me even deeper in this hole. The software looks quite unoptimized and maybe glitched to this point, right? When I was 10/11 years old, my dad hit his "mental crisis", and he treat me so bad that my hardware glitched up too: I begun seeing eyes and faces on any texture, everywhere (like this, except in my case it's all angry staring human faces, would move at times too).
I could have kept for all the rest of my life in this way... IF I hadn't been forced to lie so constantly to cover my ass up (against impossible situations) :v. This way I begun learning how "manipulations" work, to others and myself. Average adults are experts at applying it overall, so it filled me with rage and hatred for the world. Seriously, are children the only human beings capable to be openly "real"?. Certain day, I decided to quit trying to improve upon myself, it was just useless. I didn't want the "Asperger's curse" to follow me through all my life, crippling every single one of my actions and thoughts. I made my own set of "morale principles" based on how my feelings "naturally" work (It's better this way, it takes a bit of "common sense" to realize that a "rule" doesn't "equal" good/correct), see myself as "main" and others "secondary" (because unless the sacrifice was worth it, I'm my life's own protagonist, it's that simple, doesn't mean I'm selfish), and so on. All this is what I call "mind-hacking".
(I was incredibly furious that time, though). Most of what I do today is quite rage-driven. And I think that this, coupled with my work, has turned me some narcissistic. More than just being "ironical", I became an expert for heavy and mild jokes, making it a ton easier to talk and hack (lol) my new classmates and teachers at my new career. I don't have to be selfish, I actually like sharing everything I do, my visual art, project's source codes and so on, because it makes me feel better and I like it; I like the feedback, and it's thrilling when someone wants to begin an argument for the sake of it xD. My ego for sure is higher than before, but although I have nothing to brag about (nor would like to do it either), it helps me function a lot better, because I actually am more confident of myself, than automatically believing everything I do is wrong. I'm nice with those I think deserve it, and I'm a nemesis for the evil people. I don't need to be paranoid at details anymore, because I don't let evil people confuse my mind anymore. And because I'm so good, everybody who says I'm egocentrical and all that crap are just envy at my happiness and just want to bring my mood down, but I don't careee 
