I think I experience meltdowns in an unusual way. It wasn't always like this, but it began to happen this way about 6 years ago.
I know it's happening because when I look at food, it's like a switch flipped. I'm already very picky about food, and find it very hard to try new foods and rotate the foods I'm currently eating. Usually, I can stare at the fridge until something looks appetizing. When the switch is flipped, everything looks revolting. I can't even put anything in my mouth. Even water is difficult to swallow, unless it's very hot. I think at that point I've not only become very overwhelmed with the sensory experience that comes with eating, but it's like my hunger cues have reversed. Instead of looking at food and feeling neutral or good about it, it's disgusting. All of it.
Sometimes, I notice the switch as I'm mid-chew. When that happens I will have to spit out the food or I'll gag on it trying to swallow. The mid-chew thing is less of a full blown meltdown and more of a warning. It's like my body is telling me to find a way to regulate my sensory input or I'll be sorry.
When I first noticed this happening, I attributed it to stress/anxiety. At the time that this started, I'd been kicked out of my abusive household and was living with family. Lots of change, lots of trauma to process. And I was 13. Fast forward a few years, and this was still happening. I was finally in a stable living environment and had a set routine. I assumed it was still anxiety and I continued to work on my PTSD, anxiety and trauma in therapy. It was like nothing was working. In fact, things were getting worse. I worried that I'd feel nauseous, so the worry triggered nausea. In turn, that caused more worry...the cycle was vicious. Fast forward a few more years, and I was 18. I continuously got to the point where I'd throw up from the very fear of throwing up! At 19, I finally realized that it was maybe not normal to feel this way all the time. I started EMDR to work on the fear. Let me just say that EMDR feels almost like magic. It was extremely effective and I no longer have such a debilitating fear. It's still there, but it's at a healthier level that I can manage a lot better. But once the fear of nausea had been dealt with, I was still met with the issue. Of course, it's easier to blame an anxiety disorder since it's "irrational" already. I don't think that my reactions are irrational, though. Whenever my body is hypersensitive to food, it's telling me that it's overwhelmed.
After all of this time of wondering what was wrong with me and why nothing was working, I've come to the conclusion that it's my body's reaction to overwhelm. It makes sense when I lose my appetite "at random". Today was one of those "random" moments. I had a lot of unexpected (small) changes happen at the place I volunteer at, I broke my routine after finishing volunteering to stop at the grocery store, I didn't wear my headphones while at the grocery store, and hardly had enough alone time once I got home to recuperate. Through a neurotypical lens, nothing of importance happened today. The changes were small, and all I did was stop at the grocery store. Big deal.
But looking at it from the perspective of being autistic, of course I couldn't enjoy food! I was so overwhelmed with the day that I couldn't handle something as intense as eating. I've made sure to help myself by keeping to myself for the rest of the day and taking the day off tomorrow. I'm hoping this will be enough.
Anyway, that's my experience. I'm curious what others experience when they have a meltdown or are otherwise overstimulated. Does anyone relate to this? Also, what do you do to cope? How do you recharge?
I know it's happening because when I look at food, it's like a switch flipped. I'm already very picky about food, and find it very hard to try new foods and rotate the foods I'm currently eating. Usually, I can stare at the fridge until something looks appetizing. When the switch is flipped, everything looks revolting. I can't even put anything in my mouth. Even water is difficult to swallow, unless it's very hot. I think at that point I've not only become very overwhelmed with the sensory experience that comes with eating, but it's like my hunger cues have reversed. Instead of looking at food and feeling neutral or good about it, it's disgusting. All of it.
Sometimes, I notice the switch as I'm mid-chew. When that happens I will have to spit out the food or I'll gag on it trying to swallow. The mid-chew thing is less of a full blown meltdown and more of a warning. It's like my body is telling me to find a way to regulate my sensory input or I'll be sorry.
When I first noticed this happening, I attributed it to stress/anxiety. At the time that this started, I'd been kicked out of my abusive household and was living with family. Lots of change, lots of trauma to process. And I was 13. Fast forward a few years, and this was still happening. I was finally in a stable living environment and had a set routine. I assumed it was still anxiety and I continued to work on my PTSD, anxiety and trauma in therapy. It was like nothing was working. In fact, things were getting worse. I worried that I'd feel nauseous, so the worry triggered nausea. In turn, that caused more worry...the cycle was vicious. Fast forward a few more years, and I was 18. I continuously got to the point where I'd throw up from the very fear of throwing up! At 19, I finally realized that it was maybe not normal to feel this way all the time. I started EMDR to work on the fear. Let me just say that EMDR feels almost like magic. It was extremely effective and I no longer have such a debilitating fear. It's still there, but it's at a healthier level that I can manage a lot better. But once the fear of nausea had been dealt with, I was still met with the issue. Of course, it's easier to blame an anxiety disorder since it's "irrational" already. I don't think that my reactions are irrational, though. Whenever my body is hypersensitive to food, it's telling me that it's overwhelmed.
After all of this time of wondering what was wrong with me and why nothing was working, I've come to the conclusion that it's my body's reaction to overwhelm. It makes sense when I lose my appetite "at random". Today was one of those "random" moments. I had a lot of unexpected (small) changes happen at the place I volunteer at, I broke my routine after finishing volunteering to stop at the grocery store, I didn't wear my headphones while at the grocery store, and hardly had enough alone time once I got home to recuperate. Through a neurotypical lens, nothing of importance happened today. The changes were small, and all I did was stop at the grocery store. Big deal.
But looking at it from the perspective of being autistic, of course I couldn't enjoy food! I was so overwhelmed with the day that I couldn't handle something as intense as eating. I've made sure to help myself by keeping to myself for the rest of the day and taking the day off tomorrow. I'm hoping this will be enough.
Anyway, that's my experience. I'm curious what others experience when they have a meltdown or are otherwise overstimulated. Does anyone relate to this? Also, what do you do to cope? How do you recharge?
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