Meltdown turned to shutdown today, feeling really depressed.

[Lola_Daydream]

I know I have not wrote here in awhile been trying to work two jobs to get out of one of them causing me so much hurt.
I just wanted to confess to someone who would understand I had a major meltdown today at work. This coworker has been friendly then snobby to me over and over. One day nice, one day she acts like she is embarrassed to be seen with me.I got called to take a trading video in the office with her and a mutual friend. She and her laughed and acted do chummy together but totally blew me off like I was not there at all. I was getting really angry and tired of this behaviour from her as last week we hung out outside of work and she was really nice to me but at work she is cold and snobby to me in front of others she is trying to impress I guess.
Anyhow they were laughing and being buddy buddy while I sunk in my chair feeling totally rejected, unloved and worthless. Then to too it off the video training was on workplace violence and it talked about people who might be mentally disturbed and suicidal. I lost it because I had tried to commit suicide two years ago I got up left the room and ran to the bathroom where I sobbed uncontrollably for over twenty minutes no one came to see if I was okay. I cried so much I threw up.
To make matters worse I have felt like the longer I stay at this job the dumber and less productive I am getting. I took another test on equipment training stuff and flunked it twice and I have been there over eleven years. I got so pissed off I left and took a point. As I drove home I felt myself wanting to just end my life again something I swore I would never ever try again after the last time was so terrifying as I obviously didn't die but I had a third degree heart block that required ultrasounds, and me wearing a device that recorded my heart with wires all over my body whilst being in the psych ward at the hospital for two weeks.

 

[muffi86]

I don't know what to say to make you feel better.
Or how to give you some advice to change things...

But I can send you some caring thoughts and hugs - so I hope you receive them and they give a little hope and warmth

 

[Lola_Daydream]

Thanks for the nice reply. It does help a little to know someone understands.I don't feel so alienated.

 

[Ellylldan]

I'm so sorry you had to go through such a pain. Unfortunately, meltdowns are not a rare thing for me, so I can really understand how you feel.

The environment at your work looks really unfriendly, I hope you will be able to leave that place soon. In the meanwhile try to take a good care of yourself, try to find more time to relax, do something you like. And try not to think too much about bad things (even if it's not easy), concentrate on something positive. I wish you well. Hug!

 

[Sarsaparilla]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time, it's horrible having a meltdown at work, I can see why the video was triggering given your past experience especially when you were already stressed out by the difficult situation with your colleague. I find it hard when people talk and joke about suicide at work having been suicidal a lot in the past. Also you're not worthless because these two people ignored you. Your colleague doesn't sound like a very nice person. Take care, be nice to yourself, it's not your fault and I hope you feel better soon.

 

[MicroWeiss]

Wow. You spend so much of your life at work, you spend more time around you coworkers than your family and friends. Some friendly behavior would be nice now and then.

Many of the people who are friendly with me individually will ignore me as soon as there is someone more social around. It stings a little, but I am socially awkward and would make the conversation less fun for them. Try to respect your coworker, you have a hard time, but she probably does too, if you feel yourself spiraling into depression, it could be she knows it and is afraid of getting dragged down emotionally as well.

The productivity thing is hard. I hope you don't feel too alone with this stuff weighing on you. A lot of people crash and burn at work, I wouldn't hold it against you. If you haven't sent rage-filled emails, and you haven't made personal attacks against your friend, I would say you're doing good.

 

[MicroWeiss]

Actually, writing a rage-filled email could be fun. More fun than depression or so I've been led to believe. The one I wrote once got waved in my face in a meeting by a guy, and he was like: hey Liz, want me to read this?? And the ones I've read have been equally fun and blackmail worthy.

 

[wyverary]

I would have had a complete meltdown in that situation as well. Nasty work environment, and then being forced to watch something that triggering (I've attempted suicide multiple times, so I understand completely). Your reaction is completely normal and not the least bit out of line. *hugs*

 

[Lola_Daydream]

Thanks everybody you guys have really made me feel bit better by just knowing how I felt and being kind and compassionate. I really did feel so alone yesterday and hopeless....thanks a bunch I wish I could hug all of you.

 

[wyverary]

Thanks everybody you guys have really made me feel bit better by just knowing how I felt and being kind and compassionate. I really did feel so alone yesterday and hopeless....thanks a bunch I wish I could hug all of you.

https://www.aspiescentral.com/threads/hug-bank.5538/

 

[Maelstrom]

Actually, writing a rage-filled email could be fun. More fun than depression or so I've been led to believe. The one I wrote once got waved in my face in a meeting by a guy, and he was like: hey Liz, want me to read this?? And the ones I've read have been equally fun and blackmail worthy.

Umm...Bad Bunny... no seriously, it takes just 5 minuets to ruin your life with a angry email. Definitely not worth it, and you never know how hard finding the next job will be, they can get you black balled.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="Lola_Daydream, One day nice, one day she acts like she is embarrassed to be seen with me. [/QUOTE]

Hi Lola best wishes I hope you are feeling better. I hope I don't offend you with the following, I struggle with this kind of people stuff too, we all likely do. But it is better to look for the good stuff if we can, if anything to just keep our stomachs from turning into ulcer bags. You could look at the glass as half full, at least she nice to you some of the time, I've worked with people who were just plain mean. And trying to read peoples reasons for what they do can mess with your head. People don't plan out every stupid thing they do, some times they're just feeling rotten, or peopled out, she could have AS, and hanging on by her finger nails too and you don't even know it. On the video thing they may have been nervous you would react badly to it, and were instinctively pulling back from you. They should have gone and given you a hug, but they probably chickened out and are feeling terrible about it. On the test you probably just got anxiety brain blank out, I've had that happen to me, it happens to lots of people. Just study up a little, walk your mind mentally through what will likely be on the test, and you'll likely do fine next time. Best wishes Mael try to think happy thoughts...

 

[Lola_Daydream]

Thanks maelstrom, you did not offend me. I think you are giving good advice, and some things I never thought of. I can see possibly I over reacted, but once I get anxiety like that it is almost impossible to reason logically about anything in my mind. It is almost as if all reasoning ability gets completely shut down, I will try to reason, or find solutions to the difficulties I am facing but there is this thick fog in my mind and there is just silence, my mind is racing with panic thoughts, but I can not think like my mind just goes blank if that makes any sense when I try to reason against it. It is as if I hit this wall barrier in my thinking and I can not access the other side til I calm down and get away from the situation.
I have never been good at problem solving on the spot, some people can do that quickly, but me I need to retreat, De-stress and be alone without distraction to think and reason.
It was just an overload to me, to much information, and problem resolution needed without having personal space and being expected to resolve at that moment without retreat to think clearly. I feel cornered when that happens, and scared defenseless and my reaction usually is to flee, and if I can not flee I get angry really angry.

I see all your reasoning now, and I agree. It is all likely true, except I doubt she has aspergers, I think she does have a mental disorder her mother does, but I think she is bipolar. Because her moods switch so fast and her personality it is often times exceedingly difficult to deal with her cuz I never know if it is Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde today. I have moods but I stay consistent in my personality and behaviour unlike her. I am just coming to the conclusion that after a year of this back and forth with her that I am tired of it. I will be friendly, but keep my distance.try not to obsess or think of her as a friend she is just a co worker from now on. Possibly limit interactions with her outside of work as well. I need stability, and while I want to be her friend, and I do care about her, because we work at the same place this yo-yo effect is distracting me from my job and interferring with my performance.
I just wish I handled situations better in the moment, and I could deal with these pressures and make snap decisions and fast replies to conversations like everyone else, but I can't I feel slower mentally than everyone around me, and it makes me feel really ashamed, and embarrassed. Another reason I bolted was because my face was broke out with a red rash from crying and everyone knew I cried and I was just humiliated.
I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I am going to discuss all this with him, I hope he can help me with solutions.

I do feel better now, after two and a half days of isolation and retreat from people. Usually how it goes.

 

[Maelstrom]

Thanks maelstrom, you did not offend me. I think you are giving good advice, and some things I never thought of. I can see possibly I over reacted, but once I get anxiety like that it is almost impossible to reason logically about anything in my mind. It is almost as if all reasoning ability gets completely shut down, I will try to reason, or find solutions to the difficulties I am facing but there is this thick fog in my mind and there is just silence, my mind is racing with panic thoughts, but I can not think like my mind just goes blank if that makes any sense when I try to reason against it. It is as if I hit this wall barrier in my thinking and I can not access the other side til I calm down and get away from the situation.
I have never been good at problem solving on the spot, some people can do that quickly, but me I need to retreat, De-stress and be alone without distraction to think and reason.
It was just an overload to me, to much information, and problem resolution needed without having personal space and being expected to resolve at that moment without retreat to think clearly. I feel cornered when that happens, and scared defenseless and my reaction usually is to flee, and if I can not flee I get angry really angry.

I see all your reasoning now, and I agree. It is all likely true, except I doubt she has aspergers, I think she does have a mental disorder her mother does, but I think she is bipolar. Because her moods switch so fast and her personality it is often times exceedingly difficult to deal with her cuz I never know if it is Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde today. I have moods but I stay consistent in my personality and behaviour unlike her. I am just coming to the conclusion that after a year of this back and forth with her that I am tired of it. I will be friendly, but keep my distance.try not to obsess or think of her as a friend she is just a co worker from now on. Possibly limit interactions with her outside of work as well. I need stability, and while I want to be her friend, and I do care about her, because we work at the same place this yo-yo effect is distracting me from my job and interferring with my performance.
I just wish I handled situations better in the moment, and I could deal with these pressures and make snap decisions and fast replies to conversations like everyone else, but I can't I feel slower mentally than everyone around me, and it makes me feel really ashamed, and embarrassed. Another reason I bolted was because my face was broke out with a red rash from crying and everyone knew I cried and I was just humiliated.
I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I am going to discuss all this with him, I hope he can help me with solutions.

I do feel better now, after two and a half days of isolation and retreat from people. Usually how it goes.

Hi I'm glad I helped a little Lola, I get some of that auti mind cloud thing too, and you are doing the right thing trying to find a quiet spot to settle your mind if you can. You could try using white noise a fan or soft pleasant music to settle your mind at work. Yes some people are just Kryptonite for us AS sufferers, learning to choose friends carefully and spot and fence off the toxic ones is part of our lives. I tend to look for softer, less aggressive, more tolerant, easy going people. Just do your best on the job stuff, try to learn as much as you can about anything that may overlap your work area, that way you wont get surprised so much. The only way we AS people win is if we are really good at what we do. If you are like me the office politics is mostly a lost cause no matter what you do, I would try to ignore it and focus on doing really good work. Try not to feel too bad about it, I look at it as a wind and rain thing, we were born without umbrellas so sometimes we get wet. Best wishes to you Mael