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Married but not overly happy.....

J

Joe

Well-Known Member
I was recently diagnosed with AS, and my marriage had fallen apart long ago. I am trying to hold on to everything I have but so far have fallen short to her expectations of me. I work, but do not have the ability to pay bills normally as I find them mundane and boring, my wife has done this for us for 17+ years. I do love her but get frustrated when she does not finish a conversation, she is tired all the time, she was recently put on a CPAP machine which I make sure she is wearing when she lays down. I crave affection and physical contact, but have a hard time with conversations if they do not allow me to express my views or beliefs. I have been called cold, mean, abusive, cruel, and everything else she could think of, yet I still love her. I have been told from her that I emulate what I see, hear, or read. This has caused more problems as I have been researching so many different websites on AS. When I think I have a good chance to make something work or to make her happy, I always feel left behind or frustrated from the lack of positive words from her, or a physical touch that says you did a good job.

For now this is too depressing I have to go and find something to do.
 
Last night, my wife and I, made a list of things that we need to take care of every day. I am planning to make myself a schedule to make the things she expects from me to make her happy. Has anyone tried this, and if so, how did it work/not work for you?
 
People with Aspergers often find predicable routine to be calming. I know that I do. To me, my rituals and routines seem somewhat like meditation, very "centering" and "grounding" (to borrow some new age-y terms). I wonder if your schedules might have the dual benefits of both making her happy and providing you with calming routine. Just a thought.
 
Joe said:
I was recently diagnosed with AS, and my marriage had fallen apart long ago. I am trying to hold on to everything I have but so far have fallen short to her expectations of me. I work, but do not have the ability to pay bills normally as I find them mundane and boring, my wife has done this for us for 17+ years. I do love her but get frustrated when she does not finish a conversation, she is tired all the time, she was recently put on a CPAP machine which I make sure she is wearing when she lays down. I crave affection and physical contact, but have a hard time with conversations if they do not allow me to express my views or beliefs. I have been called cold, mean, abusive, cruel, and everything else she could think of, yet I still love her. I have been told from her that I emulate what I see, hear, or read. This has caused more problems as I have been researching so many different websites on AS. When I think I have a good chance to make something work or to make her happy, I always feel left behind or frustrated from the lack of positive words from her, or a physical touch that says you did a good job.



For now this is too depressing I have to go and find something to do.
Click to expand...

You sound so much like me it's a bit disarming. I've heard the same things from my wife and worse, for 20 years now. I totally understand being depressed and frustrated about this kind of situation. It's awful.
 
I think your experience is totally normal. Marriage is what it is. There are some real great times, some real low times and a lot of 'Eh' in between. Recognize that you, at least, have someone special. You've shared a lot of life together. Perhaps it's time to shake it up a bit and try to rediscover your relationship. Your recent discovery of AS can be something that can help.

Essentially: Hang in there.

BTW: I am assuming the machine you are referring for your wife is for sleep apnea? If so, you can expect her to feel a LOT better in the coming weeks as she catches up on her sleep.
 
Some of your difficulties could just mean that each of you has your own way of expressing affection, and each of you expects to receive affection expressed in the same way. For instance, you are waiting for a physical touch or kind words from her, and that is how you are expressing your love. Maybe in her mind, affection is expressed in some other way? (are you familiar with the books on the five love languages?)
as Rhybarbo said, if her physical health improves,that could really improve things.
 
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