Making people uncomfortable and not sure how...?

[yesithinkso]

Lately at work, there's a couple guys who seem obviously uncomfortable as we approach each other in the hallway and there's no one else around (they'd look down, purse their lips, try to turn around to walk the other way, etc). Now they don't even talk to each other, so whatever thoughts/feeling they have toward me they developed independently, and I honestly don't know what I've been doing wrong. I barely talk to them, but until recently (until they became so obviously weirded out by me), whenever I saw them I'd make eye contact, smile or nod in acknowledgement--basic polite stuff that has gotten me in OK terms with most people at work. Also, I'm not exactly intimidating. I'm female, for one thing, and although I'm not super petite both of these guys are bigger than me and could easily overpower me if I turned out to be "dangerous".

I guess while I realize that I'm noticeably, ah, "different", I don't understand why people would go so far as becoming uncomfortable/afraid of me.

 

[Ylva]

Maybe they interpret your basic civility as sexual interest. Some men do.

 

[Tankgirlboy77]

This is a good question, something I've come across throughout my life.

My thinking is that due to my aspie-based social problems and the subtle, unintended body language I give off (or fail to give off), I create a slightly 'off' atmosphere about myself that puts people ill at ease. This is coupled with the inability to recognise how I ought to be addressing/talking to people, whether they are just people I nod to or if they expect something more from me. So I notice that after a few weeks, once we've gone through all the 'easy' bits of conversation, people start acting weird towards me because I'm not playing the game as expected. They haven't been able to slot me into an easy classification in their minds as to what sort of person I am. And then they probably have this 'thing' in their mind that springs up and says 'it's that weird guy, what should I do?!' and causes a panic when they see me coming.

I guess my advice would be to just keep being friendly, nod, smile, say hi or whatever, and then just go about your day and think no more about it (easier said than done of course!). There are things you do have control over and things you don't. As long as you are doing the best you can with your side of things, you can rest easy. You ultimately have no control over what goes on in other people's minds or how they choose to act towards you, so if they act weird you may just have to accept that.

If you're at ease in yourself people are more likely to accept you as you are. If you freeze up and act like you want to affect how they think of you, people are likely to form all sorts of strange opinions about you, and you'll be in a worse position.

 

[yesithinkso]

I guess my advice would be to just keep being friendly, nod, smile, say hi or whatever, and then just go about your day and think no more about it (easier said than done of course!).

Yeah, I'm able to do that with one of the guys because I don't care much about him either way, but the other guy I know is the type who's decent and nice to everyone and used to be semi-friendly to me, and in my not-so-good moments I take it personally and wonder if there's something so wrong with me that even HE can't help but judge me.

 

[Tankgirlboy77]

Yeah, I'm able to do that with one of the guys because I don't care much about him either way, but the other guy I know is the type who's decent and nice to everyone and used to be semi-friendly to me, and in my not-so-good moments I take it personally and wonder if there's something so wrong with me that even HE can't help but judge me.

ah, yes I know exactly what you mean. It's much harder when you do care what they think and you want to be able to make sure you're doing the right thing. I have exactly the same issue quite often, and am having the same problem with someone at work at the moment too. I empathise but can't tell you the answer. I know it's very frustrating. I'm beginning to think that I will just have to accept this as part of AS. How to build friendship and good rapport is the whole problem area; how to make that jump from acquaintance to friend without seemingly alienating them due to my 'out of step' behaviour.

Like you suggest, I find it much easier to get on with people I don't much care about because I can just play the part of saying the 'correct' things and navigating basic conversation that way. Meanwhile with the people I do want to be friends with I suspect I treat them in a way that is confusing to them. They don't seem to respond to my attempts at friendship, so they end up in a strange 'grey area' - no longer a mere acquaintance, but not yet a friend apparently. I've been navigating this all my life and still don't know what the answer is.

I guess I'd say just continue as you are, try to extend your friendliness to him, but then don't worry about the outcome too much. If he doesn't respond I guess it's not meant to be. If he does you might be able to explain that you have some difficulties reading people at some point, and that will put him at ease around you when he realises he isn't the cause of any awkwardness.

It's hard to balance sensitivity to these sorts of issues with thickness of skin, without either becoming bitter towards people or attempting to retreat into indifference.

 

[Tankgirlboy77]

and wonder if there's something so wrong with me that even HE can't help but judge me.

Also, don't think in terms of 'wrong'. You may appear different to him, but that's okay. If this was school you might expect people to think of you as 'wrong', but in the real world those people who are worth knowing will see through your apparent differences and still accept you.

I have to remind myself of this constantly - not wrong, just different.

 

[Suzanne]

I think either they think you are trying to flirt with them ie because you smile at them or actually, they like you!

Oh how easy it is to give advice, for if I were in your shoes, I would be wondering the same thing, but because it is not me in your shoes I can see a bit more clear.

I have had guys who were friendly with me and then suddenly not friendly and at first, really perplexed me; thinking what on earth have I done to offend them? It takes a bit of time to realise it is because they actually like me more than they should. But then again, I do not think I am all that and so, it certainly would not be the first thought in my mind.

Unless you only smile at them, then I go with them actually rather liking the look of you!

 

[e79243]

I have the same thing going on at work too. A girl is now not talking to me because I told many at work she needs help or she will lose her home and car and that I helped her one month but cannot continue as I don't have that kind of money. She is so mad I told her secret and now not talking to me anymore. Well she told me when we are not really friends so I thought she was telling everyone.....now there are several girls that are all talking behind my back like we are in middle school again. Some people.....had I not helped her she would be homeless right now and a car repossessed. I gave a girl I hardly even know 2700.00 that is a lot to give an associate at work and she is now not speaking to me because I told people I helped her and she needs more help next month...

 

[e79243]

I have always had awkward relationships at all my places on employment. People will act like they do not see me coming towards them. They will just look strait ahead like I am not there when we are walking towards each other in a hallway. If 20 people at work do this to me it is obvious my vibe that I give off is so bad. I cannot help it I have high functioning autism. I cannot carry on a good conversation longer than 3 sentences. Many stare at me for a long time when we speak like I thought you had more to say and you don't. Like I am cutting off a conversation too soon ....it happens all the time. People will walk off from me with a bewildered look on their face. I cannot keep up a conversation that long so it happens over and over. I wish people would quit coming up to talk to me for idle conversation. I try to avoid it all the time. They come to me because I have an extroverted personality that draws them in but cannot keep it for very long. I am super outgoing but still cannot talk for very long. My head gets overloaded when there is back and forth conversation for long...Now those people avoid me because they had awkward moments with me.