• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Just rants about social stuff...

Naomi

Naomi

Member
Does anyone else get upset when you invite people somewhere and no one shows up? This happens to me every time I try to invite people somewhere, without fail. It wouldn't be so bad if people actually invited me out somewhere, but that doesn't happen.

Do my friends just not want to be seen out in public with me? Or do they not really like me? It's not like I can blame them. If just one person I invite shows up, I would be happy. It would still be pathetic, but at least not so lonely. I know this is one those really stupid things to be bothered by, and yes, I do feel like sad person for being so upset.

To be fair, I only usually invite about four or five people. But they never show up. The one time I was invited somewhere, it took so long for them to send the location of where they were that by then it was too late (time wise) for me to go.

Maybe they only feel sorry for me. Sometimes I'm so convinced that they like me. Stuff like this makes me want to withdraw from the concept of friendship all together.
 
Oh, yes. I've hosted three house parties where I went all-out...and only a third show up.

I only threw them because I owed them for dinner or previous party invites. I have much better luck when it's just one person I invite or arrange to meet out.

If it would be a relief, you could tell a story about one of these occasions. It would be better for you than trying to invent a story for their behavior...or...gentle mockery makes a great bandage.

Can you make up a story about why this happens that doesn't dismiss them, gives you some room to vent, and ends with some choices? (Imagine it's a movie script. Who plays you?)

I'm not making fun of you at all. Just hoping to help you transform the energy you have into something that will support and serve you.
 
I likewise get incredibly irritated when people decide not to show up without warning, or if they are habitually late. If anyone does this more than once (without a legitimate reason for a sudden absence), I simply stop asking them to spend time with me.

While I instinctually start wondering why, I quickly reach a point where I tell myself, "Well, whatever their reason, they don't want to be around me and, because of that, I certainly don't want to be around them either."

So many people in the world are friends "of convenience"--they like some people enough to hang out with them when they don't have anything better to do, but they don't like them enough to plan ahead and truly spend real time with them. Some people are fine with having acquaintances like that, but I am certainly not one of them. I prefer having friends that I can ALWAYS count on, no matter how few, and I simply leave the rest alone.
 
I shall share a little experience that happened to me, that caused me to never do it again!

I was in my early 20's (45 now) and suddenly a letter arrived to say that I had one a full make over and would have to go to London to do this. I laughed because I had not even entered any competition, but the thought of may be being pretty for a few hours, did rather appeal to me; since I have seen evidence of ones who are not visually attractive and yet, wow ( oh how naive I was). I phoned a "friend" and asked if she would accompany me and she eagarily said she would love to and we arranged the time etc. The day came and she did not turn up and so, in panic I phoned and she just as casual as you could be, said: oh sorry, decided I didn't want to go and I, in panic said: but you promised! She said she had not promised and that if she had, she would have turned up and besides she has something else to do. Oh I HATED her for her cruelty to me. I have no idea what made me go still, perhaps vanity? Well, the pits was that I had to go without any make up on to LONDON. I did it realised as soon as I arrived that it was all advertising. Oh they had many amazing transformations up on the wall, to get the "naive" to go wow. I had a few items of clothes that I need for the photo shoot. It was not well set out and all very crude and I felt like crying. Then came the modelling part and it was a DISASTER. They insisted on me looking in all the directions that I know, were bad, because they highlighted my weak eye, but they REFUSED to listen. After they said to me, after casually offering for me to buy those pictures, which I refused to do, for they were awful and they agreed and said: they admit, that I was the worst one they had ever worked with; there was no hope for me!

From that point on, NEVER AGAIN. I had no idea I was a an aspie back then and so, it never occurred to me that I took this "friend" literally! Besides, she was not truly a friend, for she preferred one of my sisters ( who is everything I am not, but I have no love for her, for I find her cold and calculating; she will stamp on people to get what she wants).

Friends are those who benefit us as we benefit them. If a friend could not turn up, they would say so and make arrangements for another time. They are not your friends.

It is maturity and living, that I have learned this.
 
Hi Suzanne I have had the same thing happen to me a lot and all the time with NT's. To the point now at 50 I just arrange things to go places myself and do not bother asking anyone anymore. I have decided it is not worth it and taking people literally does not work as they cannot see how much it affects us as aspies. If someone decides to go with me and then well and good I can arrange things from that
 
The only people I make plans with anymore is family. (My family, specifically. My husband's family... UGH!!!) And we very rarely do anything spur of the moment, including just random visits. Everything is planned and arranged because everybody has lives and jobs. And it makes things soooo much easier. The fastest any decision gets thrown together happens in a 2-3 day span. There are some relatives habitually late and horrible about blowing people off, but the majority of us can count on each other to show up and participate appropriately.
 
Oh yes. Being "let down" for whatever reason purely by people rather than things or circumstances beyond anyone's control always seems to aggravate me more.
 
This has happened so often to me that I rarely invite people anymore.. I just do things alone if I want to do something (which is more fun for me anyways once you get over the fear of going alone!) or with a significant other if I happen to be dating at the time.

I read something once about aspies, that we feel like we're in an invisible glass box.. it's definitely how I feel most of the time.
 
AsheSkyler said:
The only people I make plans with anymore is family. (My family, specifically. My husband's family... UGH!!!) And we very rarely do anything spur of the moment, including just random visits. Everything is planned and arranged because everybody has lives and jobs. And it makes things soooo much easier. The fastest any decision gets thrown together happens in a 2-3 day span. There are some relatives habitually late and horrible about blowing people off, but the majority of us can count on each other to show up and participate appropriately.
Click to expand...

This is how it is for me. We have such a large family that I'm kept quite busy just going birthday parties and school functions. Grand kids are great, we get to spoil them rotten and give them back to their parents to deal with.
 
kris said:
I read something once about aspies, that we feel like we're in an invisible glass box.. it's definitely how I feel most of the time.
Click to expand...


Oh yes. I've always had that strange feeling around people, where I felt like I was on the outside, looking in. No matter what the circumstances. It takes a lot for me to become comfortable around people in general.

I'm one of those "misfit toys" from Rudolf The Red-Nosed Reindeer. That's how I've always felt, anyways. Whether warranted or not.
 
Last edited:
Naomi said:
Does anyone else get upset when you invite people somewhere and no one shows up? This happens to me every time I try to invite people somewhere, without fail. It wouldn't be so bad if people actually invited me out somewhere, but that doesn't happen.

Do my friends just not want to be seen out in public with me? Or do they not really like me? It's not like I can blame them. If just one person I invite shows up, I would be happy. It would still be pathetic, but at least not so lonely. I know this is one those really stupid things to be bothered by, and yes, I do feel like sad person for being so upset.

To be fair, I only usually invite about four or five people. But they never show up. The one time I was invited somewhere, it took so long for them to send the location of where they were that by then it was too late (time wise) for me to go.

Maybe they only feel sorry for me. Sometimes I'm so convinced that they like me. Stuff like this makes me want to withdraw from the concept of friendship all together.
Click to expand...


This makes me feel sad for you. I do think something is wrong with those friendships if this has happened consistantly. Like they are just making the appearance of being friends but are trully not. So I would suggest not expending any more effort on trying with them. Its like the sayings 'Cut your losses' and 'Not throwing good after the bad'. Better to keep your eyes open for new possibilities. Friendships often develop when based on some shared experience or activity/interest. Or even thru a workplace. So if you try and keep active you increase the chances/possibilities.
 
clg114 said:
This is how it is for me. We have such a large family that I'm kept quite busy just going birthday parties and school functions. Grand kids are great, we get to spoil them rotten and give them back to their parents to deal with.
Click to expand...
My mom says that all the time. "The best thing about grandkids is you can spoil them and send them home. I should have had them first!" :p
 
Some of the people met in College and didn't really jive with that well because I was slightly older and not interested in going out drinking with them...rather avoid that scene frankly, decided to cancel my birthday for me. I invited them a month in advance, said there would be food and movies and no gifts required. They said yes, and then called me two weeks ahead of time to tell me they decided to go to a nightclub in NYC instead that day and I was still welcome to come if I'd like to. I already had other people coming over so I said no. They weren't even going to pay my way.
 
Naomi said:
Does anyone else get upset when you invite people somewhere and no one shows up? This happens to me every time I try to invite people somewhere, without fail. It wouldn't be so bad if people actually invited me out somewhere, but that doesn't happen.

Do my friends just not want to be seen out in public with me? Or do they not really like me? It's not like I can blame them. If just one person I invite shows up, I would be happy. It would still be pathetic, but at least not so lonely. I know this is one those really stupid things to be bothered by, and yes, I do feel like sad person for being so upset.

To be fair, I only usually invite about four or five people. But they never show up. The one time I was invited somewhere, it took so long for them to send the location of where they were that by then it was too late (time wise) for me to go.

Maybe they only feel sorry for me. Sometimes I'm so convinced that they like me. Stuff like this makes me want to withdraw from the concept of friendship all together.
Click to expand...
Do they do this after RSVP-ing and saying they'll be there? Or do they just never actually give a response to the invitation?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom