Just need some self-assurance

[Misty Avich]

I am a nasty horrible narcissistic bully who deserves to be shot. Maybe I should do everyone a favour and end it all. I hate myself. I really do hate myself.

 

[Misty Avich]

I'm going to get cancer soon. That's bad karma, which many people say is a real thing. So it's coming my way for all the really nasty things I've done to people online.

My mother got cancer. She was like me; never hurt a fly, was a people-pleaser, was too nice, yet people she thought she trusted just turned against her, took their issues out on her, blamed her for their problems, and implied she was an awful person. This just happened when she was just getting on with her life, trying to keep herself sane and functional with her anxieties and depression weighing her down, and never ignoring her friends or judging them. Yet she was still named, blamed and shamed for other people's insecurities. So she was just struck down with guilt all the time.
Then she got cancer. So I guess that was karma even though she did not deserve it. And the same will happen to me. I'm just posting on internet forums and then suddenly I am hurting someone and they hate me. Well, pardon me for breathing.

So if I get cancer I'm going to post pictures to both this and the other site of me dying in a hospital bed, because at least that would cheer my haters up. It might even make their day. At least then I'll be doing something helpful for once.

Do I have to get on my knees to get through to my haters?

I'm SORRY I misgendered one person.
I'm SORRY I vent my feelings.
I'm SORRY I voted Brexit.
I'm SORRY I reply to people's posts.
I'm SORRY I exist.

 

[NB79]

I think you are authentic and don't mind sharing you feelings, and not being pc, some bad people would hate that and may attack.

I haven't seen any of your post as offensive to anyone.

 

[NB79]

Also please don't believe you are going to get sick, resist the idea, sometimes the mind can accommodate what we believe because we get predispositioned.

 

[Misty Avich]

When I was a teenager my mum's sister had an affair with my dad's (married) brother. My mum knew what was going on but decided to stay out of it and not get involved, as she couldn't tell her older sister what to do. But, guess who got the blame from my dad's brother's wife when she found out? My mum. She came up to my mum one morning in the supermarket and expressed hate towards her, and it really upset my mum because she didn't even do anything. If the wife wanted to have a go at someone it should have been my mum's sister for having the affair.

During that same year my mum got the blame because her other sister, who was in a toxic controlling relationship at the time, wanted to see my mum but the toxic boyfriend wouldn't let her and it caused an argument. So my cousin sent my mum an angry text calling her jealous and that she wants to stab her. My mum was absolutely appalled and shocked because, again, she hadn't done anything at all except get on with her own life.

And this is what's happening to me, but online. I have just about had enough of it. I am really on the verge of quitting all internet forums for good because I've had nothing but trouble from them in the past 2 or 3 years. It's causing me so much stress because I don't know how to please everybody. By pleasing one person you're letting another person down. I just want to be friends with everyone and love and forgive, just like my mum wanted, but that's not so. A lot of people online don't like me, and that's that. Time to remove myself from the online world and build up my self-esteem again, because online forums have made me really hate myself and shame on mods (not any mod personally) for letting it go on. There I said it.

 

[jsilver256]

Do I have to get on my knees to get through to my haters?

You do not have to get through to your haters at all. I wish I could talk you into ignoring them and focusing on the ones who do love you.

I am sorry you are struggling with this, this must be so hard.

 

[tree]

I am a nasty horrible narcissistic bully who deserves to be shot. Maybe I should do everyone a favour and end it all. I hate myself. I really do hate myself.

This is a time honored technique:
Berating oneself in public in the hope that other people
will come to your emotional rescue by denying the negative labeling.

 

[Misty Avich]

This is a time honored technique:
Berating oneself in public in the hope that other people
will come to your emotional rescue by denying the negative labeling.

Please don't label me as attention-seeking though. It's just I'm very weak with dealing with hostilities right now. I think of all the things others said to me on the other site and I'm starting to believe they were right. How do I sleep at night knowing I'm a bad person?

 

[Misty Avich]

You do not have to get through to your haters at all. I wish I could talk you into ignoring them and focusing on the ones who do love you.

Some people who I thought loved me just turn against me.

I am sorry you are struggling with this, this must be so hard.

It is. I'm just in a blind panic because I hate hurting people yet I keep inadvertently doing it online. I really shouldn't be online, except on Facebook, because I just can't deal with the drama I seem to somehow get myself involved with. All I want to do is chat to people but I can't even do that without hurting someone else.

 

[tree]

I didn't put any label on you.

You do that yourself.

Berating oneself in public typically results in people
assuring the individual that he/she is an OK person,
and shouldn't feel unworthy.

 

[vergil96]

This only happens online, around Aspies.

It happens online. If it makes you feel any better, some people online also jump to my throat, when I say something that is quite neutral. I'm no poet, but my writing skills are okay, and I'm polite. Sometimes people accuse me of being one thing or another, but I see this problem as being in those people's perception. If you're doing fine offline, perhaps it's an issue of being online. Online communication is known to involve a lot of hate.

 

[Misty Avich]

It happens online. If it makes you feel any better, some people online also jump to my throat, when I say something that is quite neutral. I'm no poet, but my writing skills are okay, and I'm polite. Sometimes people accuse me of being one thing or another, but I see this problem as being in those people's perception. If you're doing fine offline, perhaps it's an issue of being online. Online communication is known to involve a lot of hate.

Yes. All this drama I've ever been involved in online doesn't happen offline. But it seems I lack empathy on forums but offline empathy comes so naturally. I don't get why.

 

[vergil96]

But it seems I lack empathy on forums but offline empathy comes so natural. I don't get why.

Communication through text has its problems, both ends don't see the body language, don't hear the tone of voice, it might be difficult to judge the emotions with which words are paired and hence to judge intentions.

It all sounds like miscommunication that you're describing.

You do not have to get through to your haters at all. I wish I could talk you into ignoring them and focusing on the ones who do love you.

I am sorry you are struggling with this, this must be so hard.

I think JSilver has a good point about treating the online conflict as something that is awful, but happens all the time, not just to you, to many people, and perhaps talking with people with whom you don't have that problem. You can make great friends online, but tbh, most of the good stuff happens in private convos with them or in small groups.

 

[Misty Avich]

I think I'm going to quit this forum though, I know there's a lot of nice folk here and I think I'll just come back to chat to those people in PMs but just not post on the forums any more, because I've been inadvertently causing too much trouble and I have upset too many people to ever forgive myself again. If I continue posting on forums I might reach my limit and get myself banned for saying something I really regret.

The trouble is, it isn't easy to discipline myself to stay away from these forums. I'm hooked.

 

[jsilver256]

Some people who I thought loved me just turn against me.

It is. I'm just in a blind panic because I hate hurting people yet I keep inadvertently doing it online.

I'm an online veteran all the way from the days of IRC and Usenet. Trust me, almost everyone does that. And I imagine it is more magnified on a forum dedicated to supporting a development disorder that, among other symptoms, is characterized by lower ability to judge other's intentions.

If you could build more confidence in yourself that you are communicating with the best of intentions, then it is easier to recognize that you cannot control other people's reactions to your words. But that doesn't make it any less easy when these posters, well, "cancel" you.

But yes overall I agree with @vergil96 . The Internet should be approached as a place where you make a few good friends among the masses. Being popular among the masses is a losing game that requires you to sacrifice your own authenticity.

 

[Misty Avich]

I'm an online veteran all the way from the days of IRC and Usenet. Trust me, almost everyone does that. And I imagine it is more magnified on a forum dedicated to supporting a development disorder that, among other symptoms, is characterized by lower ability to judge other's intentions.

I've been a member on autism sites since 2010, but back then it seemed easier to express myself and have a voice without other people choosing to be offended. Maybe it has something to do with cancel culture becoming more of a thing than it was 12-13 years ago, I don't know.

If you could build more confidence in yourself that you are communicating with the best of intentions, then it is easier to recognize that you cannot control other people's reactions to your words. But that doesn't make it any less easy when these posters, well, "cancel" you.

The recent thing that happened to me online was from the best of my intentions by trying to please two people who hated each other, because I cared. But without thinking, my unintelligent actions spoke louder than my kind words. It's difficult when you're caught in the middle of two enemies. Now I've just dug myself a hole. I'm so stupid it's unbelievable.

But yes overall I agree with @vergil96 . The Internet should be approached as a place where you make a few good friends among the masses. Being popular among the masses is a losing game that requires you to sacrifice your own authenticity.

I just envy people who have never been too involved in the internet world. They seem a lot happier. I envy my autistic friend, she was a member on autism sites for quite some time too but she's given up on internet forums altogether now and only chats on email to one or two people from the forums. I'm thinking I should do the same.

 

[Misty Avich]

I didn't put any label on you.

You do that yourself.

Berating oneself in public typically results in people
assuring the individual that he/she is an OK person,
and shouldn't feel unworthy.

Okay, it's just it looked like you were saying I'm attention-seeking at first but it seems like you were just confirming what I'm feeling. That's okay.
I have too many doubts from other people to be able to make peace from within. I've been called a racist, transphobic, homophobic, troll, bully, liar, narcissist, and a betrayer, all by several different people. Remember what I said earlier in this thread;
If one person tells you you're a horse , they are crazy. If three people tell you you're a horse, There's conspiracy afoot. If ten people tell you you're a horse,it's time to buy a saddle.

I bet even Hitler got called less names than I have. Maybe I'm the worst person in the world. It's taken me over 30 years to see the terrifying truth. Maybe I should tell my husband to divorce me before I hurt him, because if I'm supposed to be such a toxic person then he's best off without me.

 

[tree]

You really do get carried away with that line of thinking.

 

[Misty Avich]

You really do get carried away with that line of thinking.

I never used to be like this online, believe it or not. For like 12 years I was stable and happy and any conflict I did have with people online just washed over me, they moved on and I moved on, no harm done.
But since the other site got cliquey and nasty and accused me with bad words several times, I've suddenly started questioning myself and worrying that I'm really a psychopath who has no regard to anyone's feelings and I'm just a fake manipulator who has believed I'm nice all this time. It scares me. I don't want to be a psychopath. I know a psychopath and everyone hates him, he's a really bad person and is lots of labels (pervert, manipulator, controlling, wife-beater, con man, evil, bully). He's lucky because he doesn't feel guilty for the way he is. I feel guilty for the way I am.
It's my fault my mother got cancer and died, because I caused so much stress for her over the years it's no wonder she got ill, and they say stress causes cancer. So I have that burden on my shoulders too and now people online are telling me I'm bad too.
If people were willing to accept my apologies or recognise how bad I'm feeling for them then I might forgive myself a bit more and be able to move on. But they won't.

 

[Markness]

But since the other site got cliquey and nasty and accused me with bad words several times, I've suddenly started questioning myself and worrying that I'm really a psychopath who has no regard to anyone's feelings and I'm just a fake manipulator who has believed I'm nice all this time.

That place is the worst. The same people who bullied you also bullied me and didn’t want me to have a girlfriend. I want to prove them wrong.