Hello, I'm Spencer and I guess I'm here for confirmation? Affirmation? Just to know I'm not alone. Don't get me wrong it's been an interesting life, looking at the same world as others and seeing everything so differently.
I was diagnosed (?) last year by my job's on call agency. I was having issues with connecting to co-workers and for some reason it was more upsetting than ever. I have never been a person of many friends, one or two and then they have friends I hang out with. This time was too strange though, people flat out didn't understand me. I ate outside by the dumpster because it was better than feeling like I was back in highschool not fitting in.
Well this gentleman had me come in to the office, take a very lengthy "personality test" (tricky devil knew not to tell the psych student what the test was). I didn't get a lot of information, just that I did in fact sit squarely in the middle of the spectrum. That I clearly have Aspergers, and if I needed more counciling there were specialists I could talk to. Well I didn't, don't, and more than likely won't have the funds for that. I explained to some of the co-workers I liked and got a lot of "Oh~, that makes sense."
Honestly, that was kind of reassuring. It made sense now. All my disconnected feelings. How the world just worked different for me than it seemed for others.
In talking with my mother, it turns out she "always knew something was different." Since I was a baby I was just so different. At first she found out I had allergies, and that explained it. Then it was high IQ difficulty. Then in my teens I was diagnosed as Bi-polar, and that explained things. There was always something new to explain my behavior, my mindset.
With this I just don't know what it means. I understand past childhood behavior, word ticks, or stimming as I understand it now. How I'm obsessed with labeling people because it helps define my world. How kids with severe autism always made me uncomfortable, they didn't follow the patterns I understood, they didn't fit my map I'd crafted of how human interaction worked (not that it was a great map). Why it is I rant like I do.
But I don't know what that means now or for the future. My partner says they have watched videos and seen it. They can see now how that works, and I adore that. I love that this diagnosis helps explain to others that, interaction is going to be different with me. For people that know me through brief interaction I get a lot of "Wow, I can't tell at all." And I'm proud of that, I guess, but at the same time I want to say, "Give it time."
I dunno. It's weird. I'm almost thirty and I can look back and explain so much of my life, but I don't understand what to do with it now.
