RebelSaintofNOLA
Active Member
Hello everyone! I am currently being screened for AS after being diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety and depression. I have never really felt they were accurate though. It has always seemed like I have lived in a parallel universe inside my mind. I analyze repetitively like a loop with no ending sequence. I can see how it creates stress and anxiety. I have always performed well academically, but for the most part, have been socially inept. I was never so much outcasted as much as I outcasted myself. I was class president and team captain in athletics. I did attend a small private school with a graduating class of 16. I can see how it would be a much more suitable environment for an aspie. I was always in "gifted" or accelerated classes in school. I was always able to teach myself anything in a text book. I believe this is defined by the term autodidact. I have never done well with sarcasm or jokes. I think to literally and take an all or nothing approach to every aspect of my life. When I was 17, my mother was going through her fourth divorce, the first being to my dad. She had a near fatal DUI accident. She damaged her frontal lobe so badly the neurologist in the ICU guaranteed her loss of personality. Upon returning from the hospital, the first she demanded a drink. She didn't thank me for being by her side and visiting everyday after school. She wanted a drink. I soon realized she had reverted to the mindset of a thirteen year old girl. You can imagine the behavioral issues that ensued. Back to the point, I soon found myself without contact with either parent and living with pretty much strangers. A well to do friend of hers moved me in with her so I could finish high school but I didn't. As you can imagine, the social aspect of the new school crippled me and found that work was the only thing I enjoyed. I got my GED. I worked for a while until I had a nervous breakdown. I was suicidal and in need f help. I finally reconnected with my dad and his new wife. She has since been my mother. I tried to attend college but found it still too socially crippling and never understood why. I become a recluse trapped in my mind. I found that I had never really mourned and grieved over the loss of my mother. I went on a whirlwind tale of self destruction. Abusing substances to escape. The most helpful was the marijuana. Oh how I like the feel of actually being freed of thoughts or if people are around, feeling secure enough to share my thoughts. It was there I started a journey of self discovery and how powerful my mind really is once I relax, analyze, and act. There was still something missing. I moved away to start a new life with my girlfriend and found myself working as a server. I see now that I put myself in a career not very suitable lol. I do believe that the forced interaction and amount daily accelerated my development of social skills to the point where no one believes me to be an aspie. I am currently seeking further evaluation by my psychiatrist. I do take meds such as vyvance, cymbalta, and a benzo for panic attacks. I believe they help with the symptoms but I want to get the real problem. Since I have discovered my high likeliness to have AS, I feel as though part of myself has been fulfilled. I feel validated in that the things I have done in the past were just a genetic predisposition gone untreated. It explains why I have such a hard time understanding the needs of my SO. It explains my quick temperament upon being insulted and lack of empathy when dealing with work issues. So many things now make complete sense. I have always felt special and different, but now, I take pride in it. I revel in the fact that there are so many out there like me. I look forward to sharing and gaining everyone's perspectives. I look forward to hearing from anyone who would like to share with me so that we may grow together.
