Issues letting go of a past relationship

[rave23]

I'm new here to the forums and am not used to searching for advice in this way but I feel the need to see if anyone may have advice I can use. Simply put my current issue is that I can't seem to stop thinking about my ex-girlfriend in a romantic sense and it is quite frankly irritating. We broke up about 3 years ago and had been together for about 4 years. Currently I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman and have been for the past 2 years. We have a fairly good relationship considering my as and how difficult it has made things. I know I need to let go but I seem to be incapable of doing so and I dislike not being able to for the sake of my current relationship since it causes me turmoil. I do believe it doesn't help that my ex and me are still friends although distantly,she lives in AK and me PA. I also wonder if without fully realizing it she became one of my fixations and that's why even now I find it so difficult that I can't interact like I used to? I'm fairly bad at explaining things about myself so if more clarification is needed just ask please. Mainly I'm wondering if other people have ever encountered this issue and how they may have handled it or if anyone either way had any advice regarding my situation.

 

[Ylva]

I have been through that a couple times. I had to cut all contact, though, and work through my feelings on my own. And boy, do I take a long time to work through feelings. (That was before I had my diagnosis, however, so it could be shorter now.) Not sure if that helps, but for closer analysis I'll need some more time.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

When I broke up with my first boyfriend it took me two years to boot him out my life well and truly and it is only in the last year or so that I truly let him go. My ex was decietful but because he knew he could use my emotions to keep getting what he wanted he played me for a long time. It was a long time before I could let go and he used that.

I think from my experience the best break up is a clean one. For us Aspies anyway. Don't interact your ex or you will keep having the thoughts in the back of your head about going back. I just think its our nature.

 

[livinggreen]

rave23, we've all been there, but as has already been mentioned - the only way to truly get over a break up is a clean break. It seems nice to keep a former loved one in our life and to be friends, but in my experience you can only truly become real friends if there has been some time off from one another, a year or more to really move on. It's also not fair to your current girlfriend for you to be talking to your ex and also having feelings of missing her. For us Aspies, somebody doing something like that to us would be unforgivable. Do yourself a favor if you value your current relationship, tell your ex you need to cut off ties to move on properly. Good luck.

 

[Aalo]

I've always been quick to move on (stopped crying about it, but not on searching new love), but have still been thinking a lot of past relationships afterwards. Gladly not in obsessed ways because it is essential for me to know not to drain my energies on something that I know will ever exist ever more. I'd always been the one who didn't return messages from my exes, because I thought it'd help them moving on easier too. Answering on them phone calls and texts would've just encouraged them to think I wanted to have something between them. Then, maybe a year or few, later we might've been able to contact casually. As much as I've always wanted to think that remaining as friends would be great, I don't think that relationships really can often make that transformation right away, and that this cooling time is necessary. There has also been some if-not-maybe-if-ok-not-situations afterwards, they're really not worth it. It can be nice and ok for some unless people realize that relationship still is over.

But I have seen both sides and have been cut off myself too. If it's not fun or something to enjoy, it at least can be seen as a good thing as the other one is trying their best to move on. I see relationship ending as a result of either or mutual caring, but either way one can't make other feel anymore, so it'll subsequently mutual, in a way the feelings of bother won't anymore be any bother for another. Of course it could be great to not to be total jerk, but still. In cases of break up none owes nothing anymore (if not money or stuff if that's how things have been sorted out, but it's different). One doesn't need help of an ex to move on, exes aren't obligated on that, but help of own friends and some alone time, time for oneself.
And I repeat - there's no point draining one's energies on something, that's not going to have a future. There are better things to do.