Is this really life with us?

[Sid Delicious]

I've heard much worse, so it doesn't bother me. If anything, I cause problems in relationships because I try too hard to 'mother' the guys I date. I tend to be the main breadwinner too (since finance is one of my special interests). I'm sure other aspies are the same.

Having said that, I've basically sworn off dating non autistic men for other reasons. I'd much rather be with someone who thinks and processes things like me. The two relationships I've had with fellow aspies have been incredibly deep and intense and on a whole other level. I didn't really appreciate it at the time, but it's something I crave now and really notice when it is missing in a relationship.

If these neurotypical people are unhappy, then it isn't as if they are being forced to stay. I don't really see the point of bitching about their terrible autistic partners online. They could simply break up amicably and find someone more compatible.

 

[Desiree W]

Do people with unsuccessful relationships post similar things when their ex is of a different race or religion? Or is it more just a case of autistic people being considered "fair game" in this context ?

Perhaps "sour grapes" just comes in many flavors.

Yep, they do. I've seen all types of stuff people have posted about their exes. Some of it is downright personal and horrible. Race, religion, "disability" (or different ability), you name it, people will post their gripes about it. Ahhhh, isn't social media great (Semi- sarcasm)?

 

[AsheSkyler]

I sense an outlet for frustration...

You will be a caregiver only.
Nope. Depending on what's screwed up about you, you two will be taking turns being caregivers. "Normal" is a setting on a washing machine. Nobody is perfect. You need therapy. This is not an autism-specific issue.

You will be subjected to, on occasion, flaring tempers which may or may not be harmful for you.
That's called "life", honey. So long as you do not live in a vacuum, this is going to happen to you, and it's coming from multiple people of multiple neurological, psychological, and emotional backgrounds. In fact, you're doing it to autistics right now. This is not an autism-specific issue.

You will be living with someone who has only themselves as a focus in their lives and not their partner.
Only if you live with a self-centered asshole.

You will be subjected to periods of paranoia, thus becoming the focal point for such negative behaviour.
That is a mental health issue that needs to be treated. Many people who have had a hard life tend to have issues like paranoia. This is not an autism-specific issue.

You will live with someone who doesn't 'get it' insofar as sharing their lives with you emotionally or financially in any supportive way.
Only if you live with a self-centered asshole.This is not an autism-specific issue.

You may possibly end up in the care of doctors for physical ailments related to feelings of neglect.
Only if you live with a self-centered asshole.This is not an autism-specific issue.

You will end up in therapy trying to learn how to live with someone with Aspergers because you will have been fully convinced by the AS partner that you are to blame for his or her problems, thus ending up with a massive case of self-doubt.
Only if you live with a self-centered gas-lighting asshole that is emotionally abusive. This is not an autism-specific issue.

You will be charmed, subjected to an overload of initial attention so that you are made to feel special and then when you succumb to the this focused attention, make the commitment to join that person in your life's journey, will quickly discover that all the charm, the apparent loving attention is simply set aside and forgotten with the AS person off onto the next quest in their lives.
Only if you picked a player. Don't date the player. Step up your game and leave the little kids and their swag behind, and go find a gentleman or lady with some class. This is not an autism-specific issue.

In the end, you may stay with the AS person out of financial concern for yourself only.
Now you're being a self-centered asshole. This is not an autism-specific issue.

You may end up permanently depressed or build a life of your own within the context of what society calls a marriage.
This is a very common factor in many failing or failed marriages and is not specific to a marriage involving an autistic person. The couple in this situation needs marriage counseling and needs to evaluate their priorities. This is not an autism-specific issue.

You will end up cynical and going to your grave feeling blamed for everything in your life. Such a burden you can accept or not. Either way you end up angry.
I see you are lacking mirrors in your house. Pray tell, what do you think you're doing to the autistic people reading this tripe by blaming them for your poor choices? This is not an autism-specific issue.

People in general will not understand why you've been flapping around for however many years you've been connected to this AS person because it seems to the outside world you're the difficult one.
Actually, the outside world is full of judgmental people like you that see any "abnormals" as the difficult ones that should be removed from society. Try going outside once in a while. This is not an autism-specific issue.


Yep. Outlet for frustration. I feel better. ^_^

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Only if you live with a self-centered asshole.

I guess you programmed a hot key - so every time you press 'F1'
You get that sentence.

Hope you enjoyed the rant as I did the read

 

[Desiree W]

I sense an outlet for frustration...

You will be a caregiver only.
Nope. Depending on what's screwed up about you, you two will be taking turns being caregivers. "Normal" is a setting on a washing machine. Nobody is perfect. You need therapy. This is not an autism-specific issue.

You will be subjected to, on occasion, flaring tempers which may or may not be harmful for you.
That's called "life", honey. So long as you do not live in a vacuum, this is going to happen to you, and it's coming from multiple people of multiple neurological, psychological, and emotional backgrounds. In fact, you're doing it to autistics right now. This is not an autism-specific issue.

You will be living with someone who has only themselves as a focus in their lives and not their partner.
Only if you live with a self-centered asshole.

You will be subjected to periods of paranoia, thus becoming the focal point for such negative behaviour.
That is a mental health issue that needs to be treated. Many people who have had a hard life tend to have issues like paranoia. This is not an autism-specific issue.

You will live with someone who doesn't 'get it' insofar as sharing their lives with you emotionally or financially in any supportive way.
Only if you live with a self-centered asshole.This is not an autism-specific issue.

You may possibly end up in the care of doctors for physical ailments related to feelings of neglect.
Only if you live with a self-centered asshole.This is not an autism-specific issue.

You will end up in therapy trying to learn how to live with someone with Aspergers because you will have been fully convinced by the AS partner that you are to blame for his or her problems, thus ending up with a massive case of self-doubt.
Only if you live with a self-centered gas-lighting asshole that is emotionally abusive. This is not an autism-specific issue.

You will be charmed, subjected to an overload of initial attention so that you are made to feel special and then when you succumb to the this focused attention, make the commitment to join that person in your life's journey, will quickly discover that all the charm, the apparent loving attention is simply set aside and forgotten with the AS person off onto the next quest in their lives.
Only if you picked a player. Don't date the player. Step up your game and leave the little kids and their swag behind, and go find a gentleman or lady with some class. This is not an autism-specific issue.

In the end, you may stay with the AS person out of financial concern for yourself only.
Now you're being a self-centered asshole. This is not an autism-specific issue.

You may end up permanently depressed or build a life of your own within the context of what society calls a marriage.
This is a very common factor in many failing or failed marriages and is not specific to a marriage involving an autistic person. The couple in this situation needs marriage counseling and needs to evaluate their priorities. This is not an autism-specific issue.

You will end up cynical and going to your grave feeling blamed for everything in your life. Such a burden you can accept or not. Either way you end up angry.
I see you are lacking mirrors in your house. Pray tell, what do you think you're doing to the autistic people reading this tripe by blaming them for your poor choices? This is not an autism-specific issue.

People in general will not understand why you've been flapping around for however many years you've been connected to this AS person because it seems to the outside world you're the difficult one.
Actually, the outside world is full of judgmental people like you that see any "abnormals" as the difficult ones that should be removed from society. Try going outside once in a while. This is not an autism-specific issue.


Yep. Outlet for frustration. I feel better. ^_^

PREACH!!!! Well said. I'm tired of people blaming others for their unhappiness. Everyone has flaws, even "normal" people. There's a saying by the late Maya Angelou:
“If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.”

 

[LucyPurrs]

Lets focus on what's important.

Can you juggle?

Fridge you are so on the mark here- I know you're trying to be funny but that article or whatever it is isn't worth being my toilet paper and makes me so angry I want to do something I'd regret later. It is not even worth everyone's trying to understand it, analyze it , etc. It needs to be ignored by everyone here because it is false.

 

[Theta.G]

Gowwwd. Wow. What about the faults of NTs?!

That would surely exceed the character limit

 

[LucyPurrs]

It's not a pity party
It's just your reality at the moment
I'm not the brightest guy myself but I know within the deepest of my being that what I dwell on will (and has to be) the reality I will live in...

You me, We all get down (I get horribly down at times)... but the same thing gets me out every single time. Some times I am purposely doing it, sometimes I don't even notice I'm doing it...

I simply find something to get my mind in a better place. I start noticing others who have it far worse than me. I try and lift others up (which blows up in my face sometimes). I study, I look at the life I want to be living... I find something funny to read or listen too. And suddenly I'm back out of the ditch and trying the next thing that may look like a failure to others, but inside me... it's me changing, me reaching, me growing.

It's the same for everyone, yet only a few ever dare to test it because it hurts to change. It's uncomfortable to notice that our lives suck because we say they do...

I'm just as guilty as anyone, but the difference is when we catch ourselves and get determined that it does not have to suck this bad.

You stated your tired of being what others want you to be... Decide what you want to be and let them hash out a problem that is theirs not yours...

I'm just passing on what I was taught right here in this forum.

Find yourself and this nightmare may just turn into your most unexpected wildest dreams...

Vent all you need too... just don't dwell on it. Let it out and then let it go And you may have to do this a lot, but it works...

So you are already doing the right thing and may not have even realized it just yet... : )

You are not a freak, you are an amazing person who is willing to keep trying to grow and live by the golden rule. That is TOTALLY admirable in my book. I just wish you'd treat yourself as well as you treat others. That's my 2 cents and I'm sticking to it.

 

[Suiseiseki]

I would think that most women think that about men with aspergers, wouldn't surprise me. I imagine a good number of women with aspergers don't want men with it as partners because, and speaking as one, we're not that great.

So my own two cents

1. You will be a caregiver only.
   Financial maybe, I have a pitiful job and no education beyond high school, I have my own place and that's as high as I will rise, not an attractive prospect for anyone who I'd want to be with.
2. You will be subjected to, on occasion, flaring tempers which may or may not be harmful for you.
   While I get "mad" it's not a flaring temper, I'm not 20 anymore.
3. You will be living with someone who has only themselves as a focus in their lives and not their partner.
   While I like to think I would be able to focus well on someone, I have no idea, I'm almost 30 for God sakes and staring down a gauntlet of lousiness. I have no idea what's too much attention and not enough. No one tells you.
4. You will be subjected to periods of paranoia, thus becoming the focal point for such negative behaviour.
   I am only paranoid about aliens and ghosts reading my thoughts.
5. You will live with someone who doesn't 'get it' insofar as sharing their lives with you emotionally or financially in any supportive way.
   I get finances that's simple. I've never had to share myself or any such thing, I wouldn't be able to.
6. You may possibly end up in the care of doctors for physical ailments related to feelings of neglect.
   I doubt anyone would stay with me long enough for that to happen.
7. You will end up in therapy trying to learn how to live with someone with Aspergers because you will have been fully convinced by the AS partner that you are to blame for his or her problems, thus ending up with a massive case of self-doubt.
   Aspergers is my cross to bear, no one else's.
8. You will be charmed, subjected to an overload of initial attention so that you are made to feel special and then when you succumb to the this focused attention, make the commitment to join that person in your life's journey, will quickly discover that all the charm, the apparent loving attention is simply set aside and forgotten with the AS person off onto the next quest in their lives.
   I hate my "special interests" they're all worthless, but women these days don't like special things like cards and flowers so I never bother with them in the first place.
9. In the end, you may stay with the AS person out of financial concern for yourself only.
   I can only support myself, and even then lol.
10. You may end up permanently depressed or build a life of your own within the context of what society calls a marriage.
    I don't think I'd ever get legally married to anyone because I don't trust anyone.
11. You will end up cynical and going to your grave feeling blamed for everything in your life. Such a burden you can accept or not. Either way you end up angry.
    Again, my cross to bear, but if she was unhappy I'd just as likely leave. I don't stay around people I make unhappy.
12. People in general will not understand why you've been flapping around for however many years you've been connected to this AS person because it seems to the outside world you're the difficult one.
    Lord knows why she'd want to be with me, lot of alter motives.
    
    The girl I fell for saw what little I had to offer her in the long run of things. She knew what being with an aspergers person was like and I think through the actions she has shown, isn't interested in what little I have to offer.
    And the idea of slogging through the dating world again to meet someone I'll understandably let down because, really, no one looks at the sort of person I am (not a person who just wants me for the simple stability to unload children on because I make her unhappy) and says "yeah that's a good choice!"
    It's far more trouble then it's worth and I wouldn't at all sign up for that.

 

[Ylva]

You will end up in therapy trying to learn how to live with someone with Aspergers because you will have been fully convinced by the AS partner that you are to blame for his or her problems, thus ending up with a massive case of self-doubt.
Aspergers is my cross to bear, no one else's.

Drat, that's harsh. Wouldn't it be more accurate to say that the rejection of society on account of its prejudice against you is your cross to bear?

5. You will live with someone who doesn't 'get it' insofar as sharing their lives with you emotionally or financially in any supportive way.

9. In the end, you may stay with the AS person out of financial concern for yourself only.

They really couldn't make up their mind on this one.

 

[Suiseiseki]

Drat, that's harsh. Wouldn't it be more accurate to say that the rejection of society on account of its prejudice against you is your cross to bear?

They really couldn't make up their mind on this one.

No, throwing the blame to someone else breeds weakness. It's not societies fault I don't connect to people or make a lousy partner.
My mental illnesses are my cross to bear, as I said, no one else's.
Not societies, not anyone's.

People love to try and shift the blame on things, "oh it's not my fault it's societies fault, that's why I am alone" no it's me.
Even if someone likes me they can't deal with me.
As I said, that girl was right, she knew the life that would come with me and she rightfully turned me down.

 

[Theta.G]

@Suiseiseki

Sounds like she had a back experience in dating an Aspie before. People avoid identifiable commonalities with bad ex's.

 

[Ylva]

People love to try and shift the blame on things, "oh it's not my fault it's societies fault, that's why I am alone" no it's me.
Even if someone likes me they can't deal with me.

If you absolutely love to claim responsibility for things you didn't cause to happen, then sure, screw accuracy. Love comes first.

 

[Suiseiseki]

If you absolutely love to claim responsibility for things you didn't cause to happen, then sure, screw accuracy. Love comes first.

What love, what are you talking about?

 

[Suiseiseki]

Sounds like she had a back experience in dating an Aspie before. People avoid identifiable commonalities with bad ex's.

I think she did, though I am not sure the specifics because she refused to talk about it and I gave up trying to get to really know her.
Now I have realized a year into knowing her I don't know her all that well in the grand scheme of things.
I just stopped asking.

My time with her and those feelings was the worst time of my life.

 

[Funkymunchkin]

Just no no no! I am NT recently dumped by my Aspie ex so I have all the more reason to be negative and agree with the article but it's so wrong. It wasn't always plain sailing but he was a damn better man than the NTs I've dated or had a relationship with in my 42 years. Every relationship has its different challenges. My experience was that he didn't need care (he was in a very techie field and earned well, had been the financial provider in his previous relationship) and we e.g. cooked for each other etc. In fact, he often tried to spoil me more in practical ways to make up for his emotional intimacy issues, his touch issues etc. The latter challenges were hard but this list is very very extreme. Perhaps my ex was more 'highly functioning' than this example but it just comes across like someone bitter about the end of a relationship which can happen Aspie or NT!

 

[Tobs]

Seems pretty onesided. Most likely the frustrated writings of a lover scorned.
They should have stepped out of the relationship prior to building up such bitterness.