is this an Aspie trait?

[amarie.]

i have a problem with not responding to people, like if someone is talking to me about something or asking me a question, ill just stare at them or keep doing what i was doing and not respond. it usually comes off as me not paying attention or not caring but i just have no desire to respond. or if im in a group discussion, even if im interested in the subject and have an opinion on it i usually just dont feel like joining in. my bf usually gets upset with me because jhe feels like i dont care but i do care, its just my nature not to respond. is that an aspie trait? is that just my depression? or am i actually just really lazy and dont realize it?? im still figuring out this Aspie thing so any advice will help

 

[Beverly]

Honestly, it could be any of the things you mentioned. Do you even register that you should respond or that the other person (your boyfriend) wants you to respond or is it that you don't really know you're supposed to respond.

If that's what's happening then, that's probably Aperger's related. If you know you should or are expected to respond but don't then, it might be something else or just your personality to be reserved.

I don't respond if I am overly tired, stressed or stimulated. I do better now than when I was younger but if my reserves are taxed already, odds are I won't respond to much of anything or anyone. I sort of become a zombie and just go through the motion I know I have to do to finish the day.

 

[amarie.]

Honestly, it could be any of the things you mentioned. Do you even register that you should respond or that the other person (your boyfriend) wants you to respond or is it that you don't really know you're supposed to respond.

If that's what's happening then, that's probably Aperger's related. If you know you should or are expected to respond but don't then, it might be something else or just your personality to be reserved.

I don't respond if I am overly tired, stressed or stimulated. I do better now than when I was younger but if my reserves are taxed already, odds are I won't respond to much of anything or anyone. I sort of become a zombie and just go through the motion I know I have to do to finish the day.

for the most part i dont really know how to respond. sometimes i just think he's telling me something and doesnt really expect a response. its just more normal for me to stay quiet. when it comes to the group thats a mix of not knowing how to say what i want to say and just not feeling like joining in the discussion because i get overwhelmed in a group. i have a hard time explaining things so i hope that makes sense. but this is something that i do that has always bothered people and made them mad at me and i cant figure it out.

 

[hiraeth]

Yeah, in group situations I almost never join in the conversation because I don't know when it's appropriate for me to talk. No matter when I jump in, I'll feel like I somehow interrupted the flow. So even if the conversation is really interesting and I have a lot to contribute, I stay silent the whole time. But I'm pretty talkative in a one on one situation.

 

[amarie.]

Yeah, in group situations I almost never join in the conversation because I don't know when it's appropriate for me to talk. No matter when I jump in, I'll feel like I somehow interrupted the flow. So even if the conversation is really interesting and I have a lot to contribute, I stay silent the whole time. But I'm pretty talkative in a one on one situation.

Oh man, I ALWAYS interrupt. I always have to apologize and say I don't mean to be rude it just happens. Especially if I get really excited about something I lose control of my voice control (I repeatedly have to be told to lower my voice) and I'm interrupting every 2 seconds. I'm surprised people still want to talk to me to be honest

 

[Beverly]

I'm not good in groups either unless I know everyone in the group really well and can relax with them - like well enough that I don't care if they see me naked.

My husband does expect me to respond even if just to let him know that I heard what he said. I have learned to at least say "Okay." or "Yeah." when he tells me something that doesn't need a response like he's going to bed, going outside, going to have a bath, etc... I have told him that if he want' my opinion about something, he has to ask me, not just make a statement about whatever it is, he needs to ask a question if he expects me to weigh in on the subject.

I'm terrible at reading non verbal social cues cues so I have to be sure everyone close to me knows how to let me know they need or want my input.

If you aren't sure how to say what you want to say, responding with "Let me think on that for a bit and, I'll get back to you." usually suffices and, buys you at least a little while to work out your words. if you have to say it right then something like "I'm not quite sure how to put this but......" then just say it the best you can is fine with most people.

Just stuff I've learned over the years of having to interact with unfamiliar groups of people and, unfamiliar people individually as well.

 

[amarie.]

I'm not good in groups either unless I know everyone in the group really well and can relax with them - like well enough that I don't care if they see me naked.

My husband does expect me to respond even if just to let him know that I heard what he said. I have learned to at least say "Okay." or "Yeah." when he tells me something that doesn't need a response like he's going to bed, going outside, going to have a bath, etc... I have told him that if he want' my opinion about something, he has to ask me, not just make a statement about whatever it is, he needs to ask a question if he expects me to weigh in on the subject.

I'm terrible at reading non verbal social cues cues so I have to be sure everyone close to me knows how to let me know the need or want my input.

If you aren't sure how to say what you want to say, responding with "Let me think on that for a bit and, I'll get back to you." usually suffices and, buys you at least a little while to work out your words. if you have to say it right then something like "I'm not quite sure how to put this but......" then just say it the best you can is fine with most people.

Just stuff I've learned over the years of having to interact with unfamiliar groups of people and, unfamiliar people individually as well.

sometimes i do remember to just say "okay" or "alright" to him if he says something to me but usually he doesnt accept that and tells me thats just my "automatic response". :/ we've been together for 10 years and this is still something we fight about. ive tried saying something along the lines of "im not sure how to put this" or "give me a minute.." but then i feel all eyes on me and my anxiety goes up more and then my brain just gets jumbled.

 

[Harpagornis_X]

I guess with the 'Voice Control' its normal because for me, I have a video where I have been told to keep my voice down and Im nearly shouting not realizing it because my boyfriend is winding me up or making me smile or Im just excited. Thats just my thoughts on it. The bit about group situations, it probably is an Aspie trait amarie. I can say I dont have that but I tend to contribute and I think if ones silent then theres a thought I like to apply which is 'Everyone has a voice and deserves to be heard'

 

[23andaspie]

You are totally fine, that is totally so me too, and there's a girl in my Aspie group who is also much like that and usually will prefer to pass even when it's her turn to talk.

Personally, I don't really like talking too much verbally; I find it extremely exhausting and find it much more easier to communicate and express myself through written word.

About a year ago my Aspie sister and I did a road trip that was about 10 hours each way, just me and her. We took turns driving, but it was just sort of amazing since we both didn't talk for most the drive unless we were stopping or something. And it wasn't awkward, it was just a "comfortable Aspie silence" as I like to call it.

 

[amarie.]

You are totally fine, that is totally so me too, and there's a girl in my Aspie group who is also much like that and usually will prefer to pass even when it's her turn to talk.

Personally, I don't really like talking too much verbally; I find it extremely exhausting and find it much more easier to communicate and express myself through written word.

About a year ago my Aspie sister and I did a road trip that was about 10 hours each way, just me and her. We took turns driving, but it was just sort of amazing since we both didn't talk for most the drive unless we were stopping or something. And it wasn't awkward, it was just a "comfortable Aspie silence" as I like to call it.

i think talking in a group is exhausting. there is just too much going on for me, especially when more than one convo is happening so i kind of just shut down. i do better one on one and there are only like 2-3 people im like that with, if you're not one of those people than i'd rather not talk to you. there are only 2 people i have "comfortable silence" with and thats my bf and his sister. my bf just understands more than anyone and his sister is also shy with some anxiety issues (shes not an Aspie though) and we have an "silence" understanding. anyone else i feel anxious if we're both quiet but at the same time i dont want to talk with them.

 

[tree]

Group situation. When and why would I be in a group situation?

A. Accidentally...if another person shows up while I am with one other person
B. Every couple years when I visit my mother & sister

If A....say a few things, try not to move like Prairie Dawn doing jumping jacks, and leave.
If B. Suffer through it. Maybe only my sister, her husband, and my mother will be around.
And probably not all at the same time or in the same room, anyway. So, it could be worse.

I talk OK with one person.
I start to feel weird when I am away from home, in town, with
all those people around. Come home, wash my hands and face.
Be glad that's done. It's stimulating, but tiring.

PS: Chat Room.
I would feel most comfortable in a Chat Room with
a total of 2 people in it, counting me. Yeah, even here.

 

[amarie.]

Group situation. When and why would I be in a group situation?

A. Accidentally...if another person shows up while I am with one other person
B. Every couple years when I visit my mother & sister

If A....say a few things, try not to move like Prairie Dawn doing jumping jacks, and leave.
If B. Suffer through it. Maybe only my sister, her husband, and my mother will be around.
And probably not all at the same time or in the same room, anyway. So, it could be worse.

I talk OK with one person.
I start to feel weird when I am away from home, in town, with
all those people around. Come home, wash my hands and face.
Be glad that's done. It's stimulating, but tiring.

I am always in group setting against my will. That's when a concert comes around and my bf invites his best friend and sisters and his sisters invite their friends. It's horrible. And I suffer through it because I REALLY want to see that band. It's not even worth it if I don't like the band, I'm not one to just go with everyone else I just stay home.

 

[Maelstrom]

"amarie., post: 234785, member: 13642"]i have a problem with not responding to people, like if someone is talking to me about something or asking me a question, ill just stare at them or keep doing what i was doing and not respond. it usually comes off as me not paying attention or not caring but i just have no desire to respond. or if im in a group discussion, even if im interested in the subject and have an opinion on it i usually just dont feel like joining in. my bf usually gets upset with me because jhe feels like i dont care but i do care, its just my nature not to respond. is that an aspie trait? is that just my depression? or am i actually just really lazy and dont realize it?? im still figuring out this Aspie thing so any advice will help

Hi amarie it is a auti trait I call it blanking out it comes from information prosessing overload. I do it all the time my mother walks up and starts talking to me without getting my attention properly and about hte time she finishes I'll turn to her and say did you say something., it drives her nuts. I think the auti mind learns to shut extra things down to focus and speed things up on whatever you are working on. The only way to stop it when talking with people is to try to stay in the moment reading them and think about what they are saying later...sorry that is the best I can do amarie

 

[amarie.]

Hi amarie it is a auti trait I call it blanking out it comes from information prosessing overload. I do it all the time my mother walks up and starts talking to me without getting my attention properly and about hte time she finishes I'll turn to her and say did you say something., it drives her nuts. I think the auti mind learns to shut extra things down to focus and speed things up on whatever you are working on. The only way to stop it when talking with people is to try to stay in the moment reading them and think about what they are saying later...sorry that is the best I can do amarie

Thank you, that makes sense. I do the same thing if someone starts talking to me out of nowhere. Like, sometimes I hear them making noise but not words and I have to tell them to say it again and they usually get frustrated. Or I don't hear anything (even though they are close enough for me to hear) and then they ask if I even heard talking to me

 

[Maelstrom]

Thank you, that makes sense. I do the same thing if someone starts talking to me out of nowhere. Like, sometimes I hear them making noise but not words and I have to tell them to say it again and they usually get frustrated. Or I don't hear anything (even though they are close enough for me to hear) and then they ask if I even heard talking to me

Yes blanking out is prosesser mind deafness it is real, with me if it is very bad I feel like I'm swimming in honey and peoples little tiny voices are shouting down a well at me from far above. The ways to prevent it are keeping social interactions small (more people = stress) reducing the amount of new stuff at one time new stuff takes more brainpower to think through (new stuff = stress), and reducing the unfamiliar by modeling in your mind, if you think through a event or people thing before hand you will handle it better and not be taken off guard, so (surprises = stress), Anything you do to become familiar with people places things will reduce prosesser mind shutdown. So I suspect living in a small town in the country is heaven for a auti. city would be hell unless you hid in a closet.

 

[Beverly]

"Huh, what?"

Oh, sorry i was thinking about what i wanted to type and didn't hear you.

Yeah I do that too, you have to let me know you want my attention and not just start blabbing about whatever your main point is immediately. A "Hey B." is enough, I'll listen to you then.

 

[amarie.]

Yes blanking out is prosesser mind deafness it is real, with me if it is very bad I feel like I'm swimming in honey and peoples little tiny voices are shouting down a well at me from far above. The ways to prevent it are keeping social interactions small (more people = stress) reducing the amount of new stuff at one time new stuff takes more brainpower to think through (new stuff = stress), and reducing the unfamiliar by modeling in your mind, if you think through a event or people thing before hand you will handle it better and not be taken off guard, so (surprises = stress), Anything you do to become familiar with people places things will reduce prosesser mind shutdown. So I suspect living in a small town in the country is heaven for a auti. city would be hell unless you hid in a closet.

I usually try to just keep to my bf, if its more than the two of us I have to decide if it's worth going or just stay home. Sometimes him and I will plan to go somewhere and then someone else decides they want to tag along and I have a full blown meltdown. It's different if I knew they were coming ahead of time, I'll either just stay home or try and prepare myself for them being there. But if its a SURPRISE tagalong, I'll freak out. Unless the surprise guest is in front of me then I shut down and come off ass a quiet ***** for the rest of the time. And if I do have to go somewhere new I Google the hell out of it. I have to see what it is exactly, what it looks like and so on so I have a whole game plan set up. Sorry if I'm rambling I get so excited when people understand me

 

[amarie.]

"Huh, what?"

Oh, sorry i was thinking about what i wanted to type and didn't hear you.

Yeah I do that too, you have to let me know you want my attention and not just start blabbing about whatever your main point is immediately. A "Hey B." is enough, I'll listen to you then.

Exactly! If I'm doing pretty much anything by myself just assume I'm in my own world so its best to get my attention first, even if I'm sitting directly next to you on the couch.

 

[Maelstrom]

I usually try to just keep to my bf, if its more than the two of us I have to decide if it's worth going or just stay home. Sometimes him and I will plan to go somewhere and then someone else decides they want to tag along and I have a full blown meltdown. It's different if I knew they were coming ahead of time, I'll either just stay home or try and prepare myself for them being there. But if its a SURPRISE tagalong, I'll freak out. Unless the surprise guest is in front of me then I shut down and come off ass a quiet ***** for the rest of the time. And if I do have to go somewhere new I Google the hell out of it. I have to see what it is exactly, what it looks like and so on so I have a whole game plan set up. Sorry if I'm rambling I get so excited when people understand me

You must be somewhat similar to me on that...basically the same for me, its classic auti overload. I don't consider that the same as aspie which i have less of...that's more a face reading thing in my opinion, all tho shutdown can look the same, and cause the same trouble.

 

[amarie.]

You must be somewhat similar to me on that...basically the same for me, its classic auti overload. I don't consider that the same as aspie which i have less of...that's more a face reading thing in my opinion, all tho shutdown can look the same, and cause the same trouble.

It does cause trouble, its so frustrating and I can't help it at all. Then after I calm down I'm embarrassed about the whole incident. And the worst thing to say to me is, "its not that big of a deal" which is said to me all the time. It is a big deal to me