OnyxM
Well-Known Member
I'm not diagnosed yet but I suspect I have either ASD or ADD or both. I relate to both in many ways. Anyway.
Nobody knows or suspects anything although many people around me think I'm weird/naive/cloudheaded, etc..but nobody knows why.
I grew up as a good and 'smart' child. Everyone around me expected things of me because of that and because of my ease to learn things by heart and therefore get away always with medium to good grades with very little effort due to my lazyness. People and teachers always thought I'd do incredible things if I tried a bit more. I never thought I'd go to college but I did and I graduated with a degree of something I chose for the wrong reasons and which I ended up hating and working at for only 3 years before quitting because it made me wanna turn to pills.
I did several other jobs in the meantime to have an income and all of them I hated too because they were the kinds of jobs that expected all sorts of things I neither could nor wanted to give (ex. customer service).
Now I'm 27, job hopping, with no clear purpose or plan and still not clear idea of my abilities. I have no specific ability that could be marketable enough for me to be 'chosen' above others. I have many hobbies but my ADD traits make it impossible to master any of them. And my anxiety numbs me so much that I mostly end up thinking I'm useless anyway.
And the worst is that my people always expected so many things of me because of my superficial and not so true 'gifts and smarts', that I think now is the time that this 'bubble' we've all been living in is finally bursting.
I don't know how to be anything they expect me to be and the fact that I finished school and even got a degree makes it even more difficult to explain my difficulties or admit my challenges because these 'gifts' make people think that I'm simply insecure and going through a 'phase', that I simply put myself down,etc..which only exhausts me even more because I feel like I'm expected to do something that is totally foreign to me.
I don't mind not being able to have a big fancy career. I only need a simple job, with simple tasks that won't cause me increased anxiety and make me hate myself more. I don't need to be fancy, I don't care if I have a degree, if I look or seem 'smart' or whatever, I just want to be myself and be free to be me, whatever it is, whether it's mediocre or more or less without feeling that I 'have' to be more because of my supposed skills.
Has anyone felt like this? Have you experienced this if you have autism or add or both? I wanna know how common it might be for people like me.
Nobody knows or suspects anything although many people around me think I'm weird/naive/cloudheaded, etc..but nobody knows why.
I grew up as a good and 'smart' child. Everyone around me expected things of me because of that and because of my ease to learn things by heart and therefore get away always with medium to good grades with very little effort due to my lazyness. People and teachers always thought I'd do incredible things if I tried a bit more. I never thought I'd go to college but I did and I graduated with a degree of something I chose for the wrong reasons and which I ended up hating and working at for only 3 years before quitting because it made me wanna turn to pills.
I did several other jobs in the meantime to have an income and all of them I hated too because they were the kinds of jobs that expected all sorts of things I neither could nor wanted to give (ex. customer service).
Now I'm 27, job hopping, with no clear purpose or plan and still not clear idea of my abilities. I have no specific ability that could be marketable enough for me to be 'chosen' above others. I have many hobbies but my ADD traits make it impossible to master any of them. And my anxiety numbs me so much that I mostly end up thinking I'm useless anyway.
And the worst is that my people always expected so many things of me because of my superficial and not so true 'gifts and smarts', that I think now is the time that this 'bubble' we've all been living in is finally bursting.
I don't know how to be anything they expect me to be and the fact that I finished school and even got a degree makes it even more difficult to explain my difficulties or admit my challenges because these 'gifts' make people think that I'm simply insecure and going through a 'phase', that I simply put myself down,etc..which only exhausts me even more because I feel like I'm expected to do something that is totally foreign to me.
I don't mind not being able to have a big fancy career. I only need a simple job, with simple tasks that won't cause me increased anxiety and make me hate myself more. I don't need to be fancy, I don't care if I have a degree, if I look or seem 'smart' or whatever, I just want to be myself and be free to be me, whatever it is, whether it's mediocre or more or less without feeling that I 'have' to be more because of my supposed skills.
Has anyone felt like this? Have you experienced this if you have autism or add or both? I wanna know how common it might be for people like me.