Inappropriate touching by boyfriend’s brother

[Mary Terry]

Does the child have another parent, such as a good father or step father? If not, I suggest you just report this to the police and let them take care of them. This sounds like abuse and neglect. You sound like you would take care of the child much better. However, so we don't jump to conclusions, can you give me more details, if necessary?

Also, what do you mean by this? Can you give me more details on this, also?

No, Joshua, my brother who was the father of my nephew prematurely passed away about 8 years ago. There is only my HFA sister-in-law taking care of her son/my nephew. Our family has repeatedly tried to help our nephew but SIL has driven all of us away because she is toxic, cruel, narcissistic, bi-polar, and, frankly, one of the stupidest people I have ever met.

Some of my grown nieces have threatened to sue her for her defamatory and cruel postings on Facebook. It is at the point where no one in our family, community or church will have anything to do with her which is sad because she lacks executive functioning to the point that she literally cannot accomplish two tasks in the same day. For example, it overwhelms her if she needs to sweep the kitchen floor and go to the grocery store for apples on the same day. So she demands that others come sweep her floor and go to the grocery store for her while she lounges in bed watching TV all day and night. Then, if you do agree to help her, she gets on social media and blasts you as having failed to properly sweep her floor or that you bought the wrong kind of apples.

The laws are weak and imprecise about what constitutes abuse and neglect of a vulnerable adult like my nephew, and SIL is an accomplished liar and manipulator. Yes, I believe that I could take better care of my nephew than she, and nephew has asked me in his own way if he can come live with me, but it is unlikely that a court would award custody to me. She is his mother after all.

 

[Mary Terry]

Good question. Let's just say I'm inclined to think that's indicative of being on "thin ice" if they do. At least from a perspective of professional liability.

Conflicts: Treating Multiple Members of a Family | CPH & Associates

Good article and thanks for posting it. I think it's thin ice, too. An attorney could not ethically represent two people with opposing positions and interests, and a psychiatrist should not be allowed to do so, either.

 

[Tom]

I don't know how to fix it either, but do know that while not very common it is a regular negative behavior one comes across with special needs young adults/men. So canvasing professional teachers with more experience should turn up some basic methods. However, if the family doesn't do the same sort of intervention it will of course be of limited effectiveness.

It is very important that the family try and deal with it before he ends up in jail for inappropriate behavior.

 

[Judge]

Good article and thanks for posting it. I think it's thin ice, too. An attorney could not ethically represent two people with opposing positions and interests, and a psychiatrist should not be allowed to do so, either.

Yes, I believe this is indicative of an ethical standard that would transcend any number of professional pursuits apart from medicine.

 

[Joshua the Writer]

No, Joshua, my brother who was the father of my nephew prematurely passed away about 8 years ago. There is only my HFA sister-in-law taking care of her son/my nephew. Our family has repeatedly tried to help our nephew but SIL has driven all of us away because she is toxic, cruel, narcissistic, bi-polar, and, frankly, one of the stupidest people I have ever met.

Wow. That's terrible. BTW, what is SIL?

Some of my grown nieces have threatened to sue her for her defamatory and cruel postings on Facebook. It is at the point where no one in our family, community or church will have anything to do with her which is sad because she lacks executive functioning to the point that she literally cannot accomplish two tasks in the same day. For example, it overwhelms her if she needs to sweep the kitchen floor and go to the grocery store for apples on the same day. So she demands that others come sweep her floor and go to the grocery store for her while she lounges in bed watching TV all day and night. Then, if you do agree to help her, she gets on social media and blasts you as having failed to properly sweep her floor or that you bought the wrong kind of apples.

The laws are weak and imprecise about what constitutes abuse and neglect of a vulnerable adult like my nephew, and SIL is an accomplished liar and manipulator. Yes, I believe that I could take better care of my nephew than she, and nephew has asked me in his own way if he can come live with me, but it is unlikely that a court would award custody to me. She is his mother after all.

I suggest calling CPS if you are in the U.S. or another North American country.

 

[tree]

@Joshua Aaron

SIL
An acronym, meaning "sister-in-law."
Given the context.

"...SIL has driven all of us away because she is..."

SIL | Definition of SIL in English by Oxford Dictionaries

 

[Stardust Parade]

I would stop going over to the house or being left alone with him period.

 

[nowwhat]

Two disturbing parts to this: The behavior by the "perp", and the lack of support from your boyfriend and his family. I recommend a firm "accidental" kick to the balls the next time you are alone with the bad actor. If the others in the family take his side in light of the history, they are trash and you need to find a boyfriend with a less rape-condoning attitude.

 

[Crossbreed]

I recommend a firm "accidental" kick to the balls the next time you are alone with the bad actor.

I was the first in this thread to recommend the use of force (and still do), but bear in mind this is an adult-sized toddler.

If you were a veterinary nurse, would you kill your patient for trying to bite you...?

@Rashidah Tanksley , if you do decide to marry into this family, you will be a de facto caregiver whenever you are in his presence.

 

[nowwhat]

I was the first in this thread to recommend the use of force (and still do), but bear in mind this is an adult-sized toddler.

If you were a veterinarian nurse, would you kill your patient for trying to bite you...?

Youre trying to slip some bs past me there. a little rap in the nuts never killed anyone. Not the same thing. If you equate clear and unpleasant, but not truly harmful physical deterrence with muder, you have issues I'm not about to try to address. Also, did you just equate a limited, but fully human being with an Animal? Oops.

In the absence of support and protection from the family, OP must take care of her own safety.

@Rashidah Tanksley , if you do decide to marry into this family, you will be a de facto caregiver whenever you are in his presence.

 

[Mary Terry]

hello everyone!

I have been dating my boyfriend for a couple months and I have noticed that whenever I go to his house his brother tends to touch my legs and my arms and rubs them. I assumed that this was a form of sensory stimulation. I would tell him firmly ‘hands to yourself ‘ and he would then stop but maybe 3 minutes later he would start back at it. I told my boyfriend that the behavior makes me uncomfortable and we agreed to stay close to one another when I come over in order to lower the amount of occurrences. Yesterday, my boyfriend went to the bathroom and the brother came in and began rubbing my thigh and semi thrusting his hips. He has never attempted this behavior when others have been around. I got up and walked out of the room. When I told my boyfriend what happened he stated that his brother did not know what he was doing. It made me angry. I am currently a special education teacher getting my masters in special education : autism track and I 100% know that is an excuse. I have come over many times and heard his mother chastise the brother for touching himself outside of his bedroom. He does have an understanding that this ‘feeling’ he has is only to be handled when he is in his bedroom. I feel that he was more willing to engage in this behavior due to the fact I was alone. I have the feeling that his parents assume I should be able to handle the behavior due to my background and I don’t really think my boyfriend and his family understand the severity of this behavior. Even though I am going to school to work with individuals with the same problem behaviors I do not know how to handle this situation. Please assist if possible .

The entire family knows what is going on, including the brother of your boyfriend. They tolerate and perpetuate the brother's behavior by refusing to deal with it. Even if you were highly trained and experienced in dealing with sexual aggression - which is what this is - it is not your place to deal with the brother's sexual behavior. They are in denial about something that should be professionally addressed. The kindest thing that family can do for the brother is get him to a therapist with the specific goal of stopping his inappropriate sexual behavior.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend about his brother and his family's acceptance, which is really gross when you think about it, of sexual misbehavior. For heaven's sake, does he do this around all females including, say, little girls? If boyfriend and his family value YOU, then they must deal with this problem. Boyfriend needs to understand that.

 

[Crossbreed]

...sexual aggression - which is what this is...

Even though my daughter's sexual aggression has been easier to manage, she has a tendency to bite (and pinch) when she is anxious. And it isn't always obvious when she is just starting to get anxious. Womanly jaw strength isn't as negligible as toddler jaw strength.

We have had to judiciously use force to repel such attacks while still preserving her overall well-being in the process. (That is why I alluded to the veterinary nurse in my previous post. Pediatric nurses get bit from time-to-time, too.)

I can warn her off of biting me, now, but it didn't transfer to other people (such as previous teachers). They each have to earn said respect on their own.