I'm an NT female married to an Aspie so I get what you are saying (at least, I think). It sounds like you have some low self-esteem issues that may be common amongst aspies since they've been misunderstood and treated like crap most of their lives. In particular, I think you need to realize that you are a worthwhile person whatever other people think of you. The reason that I suspect you don't see this is because you actually let your "friends" put their hands on you to lower your pants. They violated your space. Also, you have a hard time saying "no" to requests from people to do things when you don't want to do those things.
You have the right to say "no" to people. Let's just put that out there. It sounds like you've been victimized in the past, and maybe trust people too much. From your background, it looks like you might have been emotionally abused. I'm so sorry for your pain (I was emotionally abused as a child too). You might be tolerating abuse from friends because of your past. This is something to share with your wife after trust is re-established.
If your wife is trustworthy, I would actually ask your wife to help you judge people and situations that you should or should not get involved in. If she's NT, ask her what an NT would do in those situations. For instance, tell her that your friends want to go to a strip club before you go, and ask if that makes sense or if it will disturb her. You're not necessarily asking for permission, but you just honestly don't know what is appropriate in a lot of social situations.
My husband does this with me, and some of us NTs enjoy giving this kind of advice anyway. He asks me frequently about things co-workers have said to him or things asked of him. It helps him, and it really cements our relationship further because we get the NT bond moment through it (even he doesn't feel it, it's there for me).
My main piece of advice - look online for a therapist in your area that specializes in Asperger's or Autism and see if your wife might be willing to do some couple's counseling with you. She needs to understand Asperger's a lot better than she does for you two to have a good relationship. She also needs to understand your past (and you need to as well).
NO lie detector, NO encouraging cyberstalking. Keep your eye on the main issue - trust. Trust doesn't require evidence, it's knowing that the person will not cheat, no matter what the situation. The more you try to get her to believe you, the more she will think you are trying to trick her. The more honest you are about your pain and feelings, the more she will trust you.
Get some help sooner rather than later.
This is pretty perceptive. While I won't delve into my past, I will say that you are correct in thinking I was put down during childhood. I suppose I do have a hard time saying "No", which is also the reason for the other situation of the facebook message invitation.
If I had simply said "No" then, that would not have been an issue. The strange thing is that I was able to say "No" to eating food off of the strippers nipples (the whole cause of why I was hit with the belt). I was uncomfortable, but was able to say no to that. When I was told that I had to be spanked with a belt for refusing, I think the main issue, besides having a hard time saying no, is that it takes me a while to process what's happening in a lot of situations. I had just thought, and been able to process, that this stripper wants me to do something that would be cheating (putting my mouth on her nipple), and nervous and uncomfortable I was still able to say no to that. It took a lot to process all of that and fight against my discomfort to stand against that. Getting hit (no pun intended) with a second request immediately after was overwhelming. And for me, I have to switch gears. Mouth on nipple = cheating. I was in that mindset. If the second request was to do something else similar, I know I would have been able to also say no to that, because it's in the same category. A thought and reaction of "No, that's also cheating" would have been easier. But the punishment, while also definitely crossing a line, was somehow in a different category of my brain. It was something that took me too long to process, and something where I didn't realize what happened until it happened. The punishment of getting hit on the backside with a belt was something I also thought was over the jeans. When it was the split second decision of no, pants down, I still thought it was over the underwear. They exposed the top half of my butt, hit my twice (hard) and then I realize the full extent of what just happened.
Before the bachelor party, I had no worries of anything like that happening. I was going to my friend's bachelor party, and it was booked at a strip club. Other than being uncomfortable in a club atmosphere, there would be no issues because those situations of crossing the line wouldn't arise. But then one of the guys kept pushing really hard for private strippers coming over instead. I fought against it, but everyone else went along with it. Once I knew that it would be private strippers, I prepared myself and got into the mindset of "Don't cheat. Don't cross the line." It's one of the reasons I was able to process and say no quickly to the nipple thing. Switching mental gears to make the decision with something more vague, like getting hit with a belt, is challenging. So while I agree with your assessment of my difficulties saying no, there is a bit more to it. I am able to say no if I'm mentally prepared to do so. But the way I process and categorize things makes certain split second decisions difficult.
But I've always been me, so I know these things about me. My main fault here is that, knowing my awkwardness, I should have apologized to my friend getting married and told him that I cannot attend the event if it was private strippers. I knew how things were with private strippers, and I worked myself up to say "No" to the wrong thing. I should've said no to attending the private stripper party.
, but I’ll give you my opinion.
