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I think my Dad is on the spectrum
- Thread starter Jen1
- Start date
Seladon
Active Member
Hi @Jen1 and come on in.
Wish there was specific advice I knew to offer. If it helps to know, I share your pain--am diagnosed myself, and convinced my Dad has ASD too (so is my mother, and my sister, and his doctor...), however as with you and your father we don't have a good relationship and struggle to communicate.
Presuming you're female (with the name I thought? Unless you're like a Dark Crystal Jen
) then it's probably generational and also gender/sex factors coming into play as much as ASD. That's definitely the case with my Dad, he has mad issues with women & anyone under age 45 generally. Usually, though not always, ASD people don't judge like that, and we find communication 'clicks' between us more natural and fast.
And tbh, it's a priority that this doesn't negatively impact your life or get in the way, and that you can go on with what you need and want to do regardless of whether or not he'll talk to you and respect you or not. I mean no disrespect saying this, nor do I know your exact situation, and ik it's easier said than done to leave parents in the rear-view or disregard them, they get their claws in early, but: if yours won't at least have a conversation or try to connect for his own child, that doesn't seem like a worthwhile quest for you to pour your life energy into.
If you're still curious, though, perhaps it would help to look at your relationship with your Dad holistically, i.e. as a big picture, with potential ASD just one small part. Is there anything else that may have happened between you, or that he may have perceived has happened, that's creating an emotional obstacle?
Wish there was specific advice I knew to offer. If it helps to know, I share your pain--am diagnosed myself, and convinced my Dad has ASD too (so is my mother, and my sister, and his doctor...), however as with you and your father we don't have a good relationship and struggle to communicate.
Presuming you're female (with the name I thought? Unless you're like a Dark Crystal Jen
) then it's probably generational and also gender/sex factors coming into play as much as ASD. That's definitely the case with my Dad, he has mad issues with women & anyone under age 45 generally. Usually, though not always, ASD people don't judge like that, and we find communication 'clicks' between us more natural and fast. And tbh, it's a priority that this doesn't negatively impact your life or get in the way, and that you can go on with what you need and want to do regardless of whether or not he'll talk to you and respect you or not. I mean no disrespect saying this, nor do I know your exact situation, and ik it's easier said than done to leave parents in the rear-view or disregard them, they get their claws in early, but: if yours won't at least have a conversation or try to connect for his own child, that doesn't seem like a worthwhile quest for you to pour your life energy into.
If you're still curious, though, perhaps it would help to look at your relationship with your Dad holistically, i.e. as a big picture, with potential ASD just one small part. Is there anything else that may have happened between you, or that he may have perceived has happened, that's creating an emotional obstacle?
Hello and welcome @Jen1.
I hope the forum is helpful to you. If you spend some time reading the different threads and interacting with folks here, I think you'll learn quite a bit about autism and how we each experience it rather differently. If you are able to elaborate on some of the specific challenges that you have identified in trying to have a relationship with your father, you will likely get more useful advice.
I hope the forum is helpful to you. If you spend some time reading the different threads and interacting with folks here, I think you'll learn quite a bit about autism and how we each experience it rather differently. If you are able to elaborate on some of the specific challenges that you have identified in trying to have a relationship with your father, you will likely get more useful advice.
Hi and welcome. Yes, pretty sure my dad was ASD1, and that he found it hard to communicate in relating to others. It's a fact that many don't stumble on early, and for me, it doesn't make me think my relationship with my father could have been much different, but it does help me understand how it was, and gives me useful understanding of aspects of his behaviour.
I did a lot of therapy myself, before I knew anything about autism, and it helped a lot, because whatever the reasons or causes for someone's poor communication with us, we can still heal and move forwards.
Many of us can't have the family of origin we would benefit from and thrive in, but still we can strive to understand ourselves and others. We can find new ways to communicate with people we choose who do respect and support us.
It's good that you are here!
I did a lot of therapy myself, before I knew anything about autism, and it helped a lot, because whatever the reasons or causes for someone's poor communication with us, we can still heal and move forwards.
Many of us can't have the family of origin we would benefit from and thrive in, but still we can strive to understand ourselves and others. We can find new ways to communicate with people we choose who do respect and support us.
It's good that you are here!
AuroraBorealis
Well-Known Member
Hi Jen, welcome! Feel free to ask anything you like and we will try our best to answer and help.
I'm the first officially diagnosed person in my family (as far as I know), I see some traits in both my parents, although from my point of view I wouldn't diagnose either of them. There are other mental illnesses, though, that make communication challenging, and I understand such struggles.
I'm the first officially diagnosed person in my family (as far as I know), I see some traits in both my parents, although from my point of view I wouldn't diagnose either of them. There are other mental illnesses, though, that make communication challenging, and I understand such struggles.
My mom has ASD. My half-brother has the same. I believe my step-father may or may not have it. I have communication problems with my half-sister. I am working much harder on my communication blunders, and my boundaries. l let someone use me, and that hurts, so now l speak up. Perhaps you can understand that a good relationship may never materialize and that isn't your fault. I don't know if my real father was ASD. I never met him.
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Thanks so much for all your input. I am female, haha, definitely not a Dark Crystal Jen. That's interesting that your dad has issues with women and young people. One of my frustrations had been that my dad would greet me like I was a little kid (like, literally in a high-pitched little kid voice that you would use with a 5-year-old) (I'm 35). He recently finally stopped doing that, but I do kind of feel like it's always slightly less awkward between him and my brother than between him and me. I feel like he hasn't really known what to do with me like after age 10. (He was really great when we were little.) Maybe when I get to 45 those issues will go away, lol.Hi @Jen1 and come on in.
Wish there was specific advice I knew to offer. If it helps to know, I share your pain--am diagnosed myself, and convinced my Dad has ASD too (so is my mother, and my sister, and his doctor...), however as with you and your father we don't have a good relationship and struggle to communicate.
Presuming you're female (with the name I thought? Unless you're like a Dark Crystal Jen
And tbh, it's a priority that this doesn't negatively impact your life or get in the way, and that you can go on with what you need and want to do regardless of whether or not he'll talk to you and respect you or not. I mean no disrespect saying this, nor do I know your exact situation, and ik it's easier said than done to leave parents in the rear-view or disregard them, they get their claws in early, but: if yours won't at least have a conversation or try to connect for his own child, that doesn't seem like a worthwhile quest for you to pour your life energy into.
If you're still curious, though, perhaps it would help to look at your relationship with your Dad holistically, i.e. as a big picture, with potential ASD just one small part. Is there anything else that may have happened between you, or that he may have perceived has happened, that's creating an emotional obstacle?
As far as going on with what I need and want to do, that's what my mom tells me too. But of course I want to have a relationship with him if possible, and I want to be kind to him and love him. There are probably a few things that have come between us where I could try to clear the air. If I'm honest, I've had an attitude around him lately. I think I'm just afraid that if I clear the air the little kid's voice will come back. And if we're going to have a heart-to-heart, I usually put a lot of energy into that, and it seems like it goes nowhere. He engages with me while we're talking, but then later it's like the conversation never even happened. Sometimes I don't think he even remembers it. He doesn't really seem to remember a lot of interactions from one day to the next.
Anyway, those are kind of just my rambling thoughts after reading what you wrote. Thanks again for the reply. I hope your relationship with your Dad gets better too ❤
Thank you @NeriHi Jen1.
I have ASD and my dad seemed to have undiagnosed ASD. I can relate to these comments, though. He was much better with little kids and animals. He didn't relate easily to adults. We also have the same conversations, almost verbatim, when we spoke on holidays and birthdays. I remembered this easily. He seemed to forget it.
It was hard, but he was who he was. I don't think he ever dealt with his harsh upbringing well, which may have helped some things.
Yeah, I told my dad he might have it, I know he has had a lot of struggles and I hoped it might give him peace. It seemed to go ok, but then the next week he blasted an email to like 100 people calling autism a stumbling block from Satan and texted me to go read it.
Seladon
Active Member
You know what they say, *Mariah Carey voice* if the Devil ain't messing with you, you ain't nobody.
On a serious note, though, I'm so sorry to hear that's how he took it, OP. From him it's such a backhanded and bigoted reaction. We all hope that our parents might support and accept us for our differences, and your own father mobbing and smearing you really doesn't paint him well.
To be fair, he didn't directly mention me in that email. (Also not OP)
And as strange as it sounds, this is his way of showing that he loves me. Part of ASD and all that. I did my filial duty in telling him, he didn't accept it, I will not tell anyone else that I suspect they're autistic unless I am absolutely sure how they'll react. But it is exhausting.
@Thinx Thank you so much for what you wrote. It gave me a lot of hope. I think I have felt guilty for not being able to make my relationship with my dad what I think it should be, so just again, thank you.
@AuroraBorealis Thank you!
@Aspychata Thanks for sharing that ❤
@Mr. Stevens Thanks for your reply. It's helping me a lot to know that I'm not the only person in the world who's had these experiences. I think my dad's upbringing might have a lot to do with it too.
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