I feel there is nothing left for me

[paloftoon]

Coworkers can be hard to get along with outside of work. Some coworkers want to keep social life and work separate. And that's fine. Cause if you don't get along with a coworker outside of work, you still have to work with them. It's okay to try to be friends with coworkers, but don't force it. If anything, put most of your focus for building your social life outside of work.

Maybe look for another job or a promotion There are FT job programs out there for people on spectrum. Sounds like you have a good chance to be eligible in one of them. Try to meet people outside of work through meetup.com. If you bump into someone from work in one of those interest groups outside of work, you can let them come to you first. Some people might have so many friends that they get overwhelmed to take in anymore. You don't always know (or want to know) everyone else's situation around you. Some may be neutral toward you.

Maybe some can sense our social incongruencies and don't feel they'd be compatible with us. There are people who will accept us. They are hard to find, but they are there. In the mean time, we can always work to make ourselves grow and just know more, always. Just as people need to be able to accept us, we also need to be able to raise ourselves to an acceptable standard and quality of social life that we feel comfortable interacting with others independently.

Balance compromise and standing up for yourself. Confidence can be attractive too- something I only partially have for many reasons, but I still keep going anyway and that helps a lot.

You can consider therapy too. It was against my culture and own beliefs, but when you have so many things going on that you don't know what's going on, it's good to have a 3rd opinion. If they are trying to demean you or don't seem to get you, then definitely look for another therapist. It can be expensive if you don't have insurance, and usually a lot of good ones are not covered under insurance. There are good ones under insurance if you aren't too particular about many things. Therapy might help stop you from acting inappropriately when you do bump into good people as friends or relationships. Better not to have to learn the hard way. If you do have to learn the hard way, focus on the possibility of being able to be open and honest 1-1 with the person/people you wronged, but also be able to focus on moving on. This is the best way to manage your own social life and learn from your mistakes.

 

[Mary Anne]

Mostly my co workers just look at me with a smile when I know that all of them really hate me. I mean I try to socialize with them but they put a fake smile on their faces just to make me think they like me. This world has become dangerous for the disabled. Every one in my state holds high expectations. For women guys must drink smoke weed have arms the size of boulders have a hell load of money and have a genitals the size of a porn star. For guys women have to be Barbie doll figured, have sex at the guy's request, smoke and drink and have a shaved intimate area and a large chest. That's what most people in my state want

You are living with some pretty irrational expectations about men and women, along with tremendous misinformation, and exaggerations, not to mention stereotyping.

No one on this earth is guaranteed a partner, sex, romance, or even friendship! No one should ever live for another person’s acceptance or love. You MUST find a way to love yourself first before anyone else will love you back.

An aspie person I know who was in the same dire straights as you finally found friendships in his 5th decade of life when he went back to school, and changed careers. He has an amazing life now...and enjoys every day of his life- including an exciting social life. The first 45 years were miserable. He did not give up hope.

Get a pet or volunteer, or do something that gives YOU some satisfaction. It is not a right of life to get a mate, or have children, or even be happy. Too much assumptions are made after a life long immersion in fantasy forced down our throats via movies, tv and social media. Which puts all kinds of wrong expectations in our minds. No one is entitled to anything in this world but life on its own terms. Life is NOT fair. Humanity has always made the best of what they have within their own power. You can too.

Get a pet or volunteer, or do something that gives YOU some satisfaction. Try some therapy, (even light therapy from “light box” such as a verilux box), change your nutrition, increase exercise, and perhaps some anti- depressive medication. Most of all, find hobbies that you love, and get some pets- they love unconditionally. Cats, dogs, and birds show a great deal of affection. Even goldfish can show excitement when you come home from work- they recognize their owners. All these things can and do make a huge difference. When you start loving YOU, and enjoying life, you will make yourself fascinating to others.

 

[Propianotuner]

For women guys must drink smoke weed have arms the size of boulders have a hell load of money and have a genitals the size of a porn star. For guys women have to be Barbie doll figured, have sex at the guy's request, smoke and drink and have a shaved intimate area and a large chest.

Virtually none of the men and women around you are all of these things, oftentimes they aren't most of those things. People project an image.

All I can say to help you right now is that it gets easier and the more self aware you become, the more you observe your environment, you'll find that people are pretty strange and your perspective will constantly shift throughout your life. The fact of change itself can be a comfort.

 

[DCA]

One thing I would say is that if you are looking for friends or companions at work, then you may be dissappointed.

I work for a large company. They like to do social events for us periodically throughout the year. Just this week they had an outing for us at a local minor league baseball team, that was catered. If you like baseball &/or like to socialize, a pretty cool thing.

I dread these sort of things because what happens most of the time is I stand around or sit by myself, no one approaches me to talk or want to get to know me. At this event I almost escaped with saying a grand total of 2 words to anyone ("Yes" & "Thank You") until my boss came over to see how I was doing (she's a nice person, very empathetic, & she may know what is up with me). Regardless I left after an hour (my boss even said I shouldn't feel obligated to stay!) because I felt invisible...

But I have a few close friends outside of work, all of which revolve around my hobby of tabletop gaming (RPGs & wargames specifically). In fact I've been with my core group for almost 20 years. I'd say you'll have a lot more success by developing friends with shared interests or hobbies than people you work with.

Finally, not all women want guys with muscular arms, money or big units. Some women want that, some women want guys that are honest & treat them well. I know this from experience (I'm on my 5th relationship at 43). If internet dating wasn't a thing I doubt I would have found anyone, but I did. Also most people aren't going to know how big your package is until you are intimate with them either. Even if you did have a big package, how would anyone know unless you are both naked with them & aroused? Even well endowed guys are not obvious unless excited, frankly.

 

[tducey]

Sorry to hear this. For me it's more acquaintances than friends. With work I see them Monday-Friday and hardly ever after that.

 

[Suiseiseki]

Just co workers. After I leave they forget about me

Better then the report I have with my coworkers (I don't even talk to them lol)

 

[Jacoby]

Not any advice I can give; I will say that 'just be yourself' and 'you have to love yourself so others can' are useless throw away advice. The first one is just meaningless and how isn't the 2nd victim blaming? Nobody is owed anything, true. Not love, not a partner, not food, not shelter, not healthcare, not anything. You might need those to live but they are not owed to you, all the world wants from you is to just die.

The person that mentioned biology says that there is an alpha male that gets all the females and that it is biology that tells the 'betas' to kill themselves, I would like to say that's why faith and religion are so important because that's the law of the jungle and what we're returning too. We're not animals and that is what people are degrading themselves to.

I am not in any better of a boat, I don't have any friends let alone relationships. I am a product of trauma on top of this terrible disability, it's hard to completely separate yourself from the rest of humanity and to feel like such a broken person.

I don't trust people, I misread them(always negatively), and I always avoid avoid avoid. I relive the trauma that I've experienced everyday. You don't feel like the same species, an alien. I just keep grinding away, jumping thru the hoops, but trust me I'm over it too. Right now I think the goal right now is to live in a cabin deep in the woods like the Unibomber.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Aiden, have you ever watched the movie, "Field of Dreams?" If so, there is a line in that movie. "Build it they will come." Use this statement to relate to your situation.

So I know it's been a while since I have posted in here but now I fear that this of all things may sink my life. To me my life is pointless without a special someone to share it with.

It seems that now adays it is impossible to find someone who will love me for me and not for my money iTunes gift cards or Amazon gift cards or trying to claim enheritence from a loved one dying. This is one thing that I will not be able to get over until it's solved.

I have an expectation that of I have not met a woman who will love me for me and not money or iTunes gift cards or Amazon gift cards or trying to get the money from an enheritence by age 30 that I will give up on life and end my suffering because lately it's all been ooooh he is ugly. He probably has a small package. I'm fed up with being degraded and judged.

Yeah I have a job and a car but I never get invited to a social gathering outside of work or anything it's like I'm a ghost they don't care about me. My own parents have told me they are sick of me.

I know it may sound like I am desperate but this has gone on for too long.

My post is not just directed at you Aiden, but anyone looking for a relationship who has had much difficulties, and who wants to get another perspective from another who had severe dating difficulties until my thirties when things got much better there. One or more of the following suggestions may be useful, depending on each individual situation.

Write or talk about what type of relationship you are looking for.

Write or talk about about your positives traits.

Write or talk about the positives you can do for another.

Wriite or talk specifically about what you are looking for in a mate.

Focus on getting to know another first. And if you like them, if the mutual interest from that other is there, see if that can turn into friendship.

Some friends are best as friends, and only some friendships may blossom into more.

Do not talk much about any negatives about yourself to potential partners.

Do not talk much about any negatives about others to potential partners.

Focus on doing things you enjoy or that relaxes you, and be near those persons to increase opportunities for you.

Focus on doing things you are good at, and be near those persons to increase the opportunities for you.

Realize potential partners are not entitled to full disclosures early on in the dating process, as nobody discloses everything, including that other.

If there is anything about yourself you want to change or can change, to make yourself feel better, research ways to do so, and act accordingly.

Realize initiating and taking a risk often is needed to find a success. Many women may want a guy to initiate.

Try to see rejection as just meaning not the right fit, instead of seeing it as something bad about yourself.

Realize everyone in this world has limitations, flaws or bad days, but just find ways to hide "some" of those those better, if desired or able, as the other may want to envision a more positive, fulfilling and dreamier relationship.

Realize rare is it that many in a successful relationship had not had many attempted dating failures, or numerous relationship failures.

Yes, there are some persons that will accept others as they are, even if there are many issues with that person, but those persons are few and far in between. Most want compatability, or predetermined positive traits or circumstances that can be gotten from another, depending on their desires and needs.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

You seem to have trouble understanding a fundamental part of human nature: everything that is done must be of benefit to ourselves. Nobody will like you for "you". They will always like you for what you can do for them. You must be fun to be around, good looking, have a lot of money, etc etc. Any of these things are valued by people as you can provide something to them.

Girls come and go, friends might turn out not to be friends at all and pets die. The only thing that stays with you is yourself. So make yourself into something better, achieve something, work on something. Any of these things will be with you for all your life. You do not need others to be happy, they can be a nice addition to your life but they can never be something you rely on. Once you achieve something, not for the sake of achieving it, but because it's that you are in control of something in your life rather than just floating along with the currents of society then you will have what you need. It's very telling that you want to associate with the dregs of society (your co-workers). These people have nothing to offer and yet you want to be around them, why would you want to fit in with such folk?

@Jacoby

The only reason you believe it's the most wicked time in human history is because you are alive now and you aren't having a good time so far. You can look at all the negatives in our time and call it the worst time ever. Perhaps you would rather like to be a blonde Balkan virgin during the time of Ottoman conquests? I guarantee you you would've been worse off. Perhaps you should look at the positives. At this moment in time the world has never been richer. You have been born in the wealthiest time of human history in a quite wealthy country. USA isn't the best start you could hope for, but it's not Zimbabwe. The only complaint you could have is that you wish you were born maybe 100-1000 years later as we can expect humanity to get wealthier and more advanced.

Collapse and destruction is a part of life. The western world, through it's sheer wealth has allowed the weak to outbreed the strong. The weak then take over and drive the very society that allows their survival to it's collapse, which then kills the weak so at the end of the collapse you are left once again with only the strong. This cycle repeats itself until some technology puts an end to it, perhaps genetic engineering.

What you are witnessing is a degradation of the DNA...Those with bad DNA will behave the way they do regardless of faith or traditional values. They cannot understand the consequences of their actions, divine or not. The only thing separating humans from other animals is a slightly higher IQ, once you lower that IQ sufficiently there is no difference between a human and a Chimpanzee. This is why you see such a strong overlap in their behaviours these days.

Stop looking at what is happening with religious frustration and live your life away from them. There is no need to get at all upset, the fact that society is so degraded and weak means it's much easier to survive since there's very little competition. So look at it from the bright side.

 

[Jacoby]

I don't believe things are steadily progressing and getting better in any linear fashion. Quite the opposite. Perhaps it's the greatest time in history for the assorted miscreants that take pleasure in perverting all that is holy but for normal god fearing folk it's hard to see what's better.

As somebody that grew up in the rustbelt, everything around me was a testament to a better time so what has changed? Who has abandoned us? It's a very very sheltered viewpoint if you think things are great and getting better, maybe from your ivory tower. You know they say that millennials are the first generation in America worse off than their parents but that's not true where I grew up, the American dream packed up and left long before I was born. They let the heartland of America ROT for decades and they wonder why people are so angry.

The last 40+ years have been all about destroying the family, faith, everything sacred. We're tangibly not better off and those deluded to think that things have gotten better need to understand that only very select few have benefited.

Bad DNA? Do you support eugenics? What are you saying here.

Look at the bright side, I guess we get to watch it all burn down and suffer the consequences in real time.

 

[Gritches]

How do you know you want to die? Have you died before? I'm guessing probably not, so how can you know that death, specifically, is what you desire without knowing what it's like to be dead?

It's not death you crave. It's escape. Escape from the world you live in. But the world is unfathomably larger than the world you are capable of perceiving as just one set of eyes. The world you live in now is a slice of the pie that has made itself apparent to you.

If you want a reason to live, and you're not finding one right now, go out and find your reason. It's out there, and it's not in the place you expect it to be. Keep looking, i.e. keep trying new things, say to Hell with your coworkers, and to Hell with Barbie. Don't look in the same places for what you want, because you already know it's not there.

It's a big world. Bigger than any one person can even understand. Go out and find your reason.

 

[SunnyDay16]

@Jacoby

I wouldn't exactly call it useless advice. I think both of them are well-meaning and have some sense in them, but many people don't know how to fit the advice into their daily lives. Lots of people just expect the advice to instantly fix all their problems, but what they don't know is that they're not quick fixes. Learning how to be yourself and love yourself is a process that usually lasts for your whole life, it doesn't happen over a week or so.

 

[SunnyDay16]

So I know it's been a while since I have posted in here but now I fear that this of all things may sink my life. To me my life is pointless without a special someone to share it with.

It seems that now adays it is impossible to find someone who will love me for me and not for my money iTunes gift cards or Amazon gift cards or trying to claim enheritence from a loved one dying. This is one thing that I will not be able to get over until it's solved.

I have an expectation that of I have not met a woman who will love me for me and not money or iTunes gift cards or Amazon gift cards or trying to get the money from an enheritence by age 30 that I will give up on life and end my suffering because lately it's all been ooooh he is ugly. He probably has a small package. I'm fed up with being degraded and judged.

Yeah I have a job and a car but I never get invited to a social gathering outside of work or anything it's like I'm a ghost they don't care about me. My own parents have told me they are sick of me.

I know it may sound like I am desperate but this has gone on for too long.

First off, your fears and doubts are very common for guys with Asperger's. I'm not saying this to downplay your feelings, I'm saying this because sometimes it's good to know that you're not alone in how you feel and that there's others right now who are going through the same issues. If you look at the forum on Wrong Planet, it's filled with guys like you who feel hopeless on finding love and other social prospects.

Now onto the advice part.

There's nothing wrong with wanting companionship, but a romantic relationship is only one part of life. If you feel life is pointless without it, it may be time to reexamine your priorities. Otherwise you're going to miserable for a long time, why put yourself through that? It's normal and even healthy to feel sad or lonely sometimes when you don't have romance in your life, but if you feel depressed or upset about it most of the time then it's time to question why you're putting so much stock into it.

Romance isn't all its cracked up to be in the movies and the books. Once the infatuation phase is gone where the butterflies in your stomach fade away and you start to see your partner in a more realistic light, the romance will go away too if you don't put in the work and effort needed to maintain a relationship. Relationships take a ton of work and it's not always going to be sunshine and rainbows. There's going to be fights and issues just like everything else.

I'm sorry that people haven't been the nicest to you. The people who degrade you for your looks or your "package" aren't worth it. They aren't people you want to be around, let alone date. We do live in a very looks-focused society unfourtunately and that isn't likely to change anytime soon, but the people who can see beyond that and try to get you are the people you want to surround yourself with.

As far as trying to find a date, all I can suggest is to put yourself out there as much as you can and focus on the women that give you as much attention as you give them. Don't waste time on the ones that don't like you. If you feel your social skills may be holding you back, working on them might be a good idea. There are books and guides online that have practical steps on how to do that, I find this website to be a good guide because not only is it free but it's very specific and practical.

 

[Jacoby]

@Jacoby

I wouldn't exactly call it useless advice. I think both of them are well-meaning and have some sense in them, but many people don't know how to fit the advice into their daily lives. Lots of people just expect the advice to instantly fix all their problems, but what they don't know is that they're not quick fixes. Learning how to be yourself and love yourself is a process that usually lasts for your whole life, it doesn't happen over a week or so.

You're not gonna get me on 'just be yourself' since who else can you be? I always always hated hearing that, it's a pet peeve of mine. To me, it's totally meaningless. Now I can see where 'learn to love yourself so others can' is coming from but I think its communicated very callously and is essentially blaming the person for the way they've been treated.

I think what would be more helpful are people that have somehow found happiness without that essential human need for companionship to tell us how they did it. It rings pretty hollow when its somebody that isn't in the same boat, I take it from them as a nicer way of telling me to shut up & stop making them feel bad.

 

[SunnyDay16]

You're not gonna get me on 'just be yourself' since who else can you be? I always always hated hearing that, it's a pet peeve of mine. To me, it's totally meaningless. Now I can see where 'learn to love yourself so others can' is coming from but I think its communicated very callously and is essentially blaming the person for the way they've been treated.

I think what would be more helpful are people that have somehow found happiness without that essential human need for companionship to tell us how they did it. It rings pretty hollow when its somebody that isn't in the same boat, I take it from them as a nicer way of telling me to shut up & stop making them feel bad.

I see what you're saying and I even agree with you to a certain extent. Both sayings are overused and aren't clearly communicated as to what they really mean. Since us aspies tend to take things literally, we interpret both sayings differently than how they are intended to the person saying this, so it's not easy to understand how these clichéd feel-good affirmations could fit into our lives.

Why do you hate the saying "Just be yourself" and why do you feel it's meaningless? I'm not trying to be argumentative, I'm genuinely curious because I used to feel it was meaningless too. I got annoyed whenever I heard it and I suspect it's for the same reason you stated. It wasn't until I changed what I thought it meant that I started to see its value.

As far as the "Learn to love yourself so others can" saying, I feel that what it really means is that you must understand your own value so that you can help others understand it by not being afraid to let your personality shine. However, I can see how you would interpret it as a victim blaming thing, since I do feel many people use it to excuse bullying and the such that its true meaning gets lost. While people who have low self-esteem are easier targets for bullies, at the end of the day its the bullies' own insecurities and issues that are causing them to bully others.

 

[Gritches]

I think what would be more helpful are people that have somehow found happiness without that essential human need for companionship to tell us how they did it.

I do that all the time. I try to tell people how to be happy, but nobody wants to hear it. They just want to whinge about how unfair life is. Miserable people are determined to be miserable, and it seems like a complete waste of my time and effort to try to instill happiness into anybody. If anything, I get negative feedback for my advice.

The problem is this place has turned into a Wrong Planet 2.0 where everyone just wants to sit around and circle jerk how mad they are about their circumstances. Any suggestion that the problem may lie with the individual is "victim blaming", and nobody has any desire to grow as a person.

I have the manna from heaven that is happiness in my freaking hand. I extend it to anyone who would eat. But it seems like people would rather just whine about how hungry they are instead of taking my offer of food.

I'm an extremely happy person, but I'm disappointed with the direction this forum in general is heading and I worry for its future.

 

[Jacoby]

Well like I said, who can you be other than yourself? Apart from that, I don't think it's very practical advice since its on you to change because the world won't. Any advice following just be yourself would be totally contradictory don't you think?

As for the 2nd part, I see it kind of like telling a depressed person to just stop being depressed. It's not helpful and delegitimatizes the feelings they have, I don't see how anyone that is depressed can read that and not feel worse off.

The truth is for certain situations there is no good advice, it's just an unfortunate reality of the world. I was pretty bad off last year and really not much has changed but I just haven't hyperfocused on the inadequacies and failures that I have nor have I ventured into areas that I know will trigger me which are the usual. That's not a happy existence, it's an existence and I don't see myself as better off in these regards than I did a year ago. I don't know what I want to do with my life, without family it really is hard to find any sort of purpose.

 

[SunnyDay16]

Well like I said, who can you be other than yourself? Apart from that, I don't think it's very practical advice since its on you to change because the world won't. Any advice following just be yourself would be totally contradictory don't you think?

As for the 2nd part, I see it kind of like telling a depressed person to just stop being depressed. It's not helpful and delegitimatizes the feelings they have, I don't see how anyone that is depressed can read that and not feel worse off.

The truth is for certain situations there is no good advice, it's just an unfortunate reality of the world. I was pretty bad off last year and really not much has changed but I just haven't hyperfocused on the inadequacies and failures that I have nor have I ventured into areas that I know will trigger me which are the usual. That's not a happy existence, it's an existence and I don't see myself as better off in these regards than I did a year ago. I don't know what I want to do with my life, without family it really is hard to find any sort of purpose.

Well I think it depends on what you're trying to change. Obviously, you must change how you act or what you say based on who you're around and what situation you are in. You can't act in your boss's office how you would act at a friend's party. "Being yourself", in my eyes, isn't about not ever trying to improve yourself or not trying to do what you need to do to get by since that isn't useful or practical at all, since we all have to fit into society to a certain degree to get by in life.

"Being yourself" is giving yourself the freedom to not worry about making every single person on earth happy and staying true to your morals. Basically it's about being assertive. You can't please everybody or be everyone's friend. If you think of the phrase in that sense, it's not really contradictory at all, but it took me a while to even realize that because nobody told me specifically what "being yourself" truly means.

 

[SunnyDay16]

I do that all the time. I try to tell people how to be happy, but nobody wants to hear it. They just want to whinge about how unfair life is. Miserable people are determined to be miserable, and it seems like a complete waste of my time and effort to try to instill happiness into anybody. If anything, I get negative feedback for my advice.

The problem is this place has turned into a Wrong Planet 2.0 where everyone just wants to sit around and circle jerk how mad they are about their circumstances. Any suggestion that the problem may lie with the individual is "victim blaming", and nobody has any desire to grow as a person.

I have the manna from heaven that is happiness in my freaking hand. I extend it to anyone who would eat. But it seems like people would rather just whine about how hungry they are instead of taking my offer of food.

I'm an extremely happy person, but I'm disappointed with the direction this forum in general is heading and I worry for its future.

It can definitely be frustrating to try to cheer up people who aren't happy with where their lives are going and I've been on both sides of this. When I was really depressed, I didn't want to hear any advice at all on how I could potentially improve my situation by going outside and distracting myself. Now that I'm out of that funk, I can see how much I needed that advice, even if it wasn't the advice I wanted at the time. Even though doing things wouldn't of solved my depression, it definitely was a better alternative to lying in bed all day.

 

[Gritches]

It can definitely be frustrating to try to cheer up people who aren't happy with where their lives are going and I've been on both sides of this. When I was really depressed, I didn't want to hear any advice at all on how I could potentially improve my situation by going outside and distracting myself. Now that I'm out of that funk, I can see how much I needed that advice, even if it wasn't the advice I wanted at the time. Even though doing things wouldn't of solved my depression, it definitely was a better alternative to lying in bed all day.

You're right, I'm just frustrated with that particular problem. I also used to be that kind of person, who didn't want to hear it and just laid in bed all day. I just don't know how to get through to people who are in that kind of state, to pull them out of it. It's the problem I've been bashing my head against for a while now.

If we're on the subject, have you noticed how every miserable person has a very well thought out complex as to why they're miserable and will never be happy? I'm trying to think back as to how I destroyed that complex. It was definitely self-motivated, and that seems to be the million dollar question: how do you motivate someone to become self-motivated to improve themselves and subsequently their lives?

Also, unrelated but just throwing this out there for the heck of it: I find the entire idea of "victim blaming" to be a poisonous concept. Any suggestion that the problem lies with the individual in question becomes "victim blaming", and so nobody sees any need to improve themselves and stays a perpetual victim of circumstance. The idea suggests that everyone is perfect, and that the world is merely unfair. It's garbage logic, and one more mental hurdle to get over before someone can become happy.