I dont feel I can have a life.

[Iamnotarabot]

Just a quick rant, im sorry i feel i have to say it.

Basically , I dont do anything anymore.
Just sitting in my room while my parents are gone for vacations and thats it.

I not even at unni anymore and i dont know if i will start another year. I can register online so i dont.
I dont even know why i would do that.

I dont even know why i have to get a situation in life. Iv never succeded at anything. Everything I will try will fail.

Spent a whole week spacing out on internet and video games...but even in video game i accomplish nothing.
Its like im lost in time ,a day feel like an hour but an hour feel like a day...

I dont regret my past, never felt that i had a choice...
And here i am , lost.
I just feel like I have nothing to expect from life, and I cant get over my past.

 

[BraidedPony]

I’m sorry.

 

[SusanLR]

I just feel like I have nothing to expect from life, and I cant get over my past.

That is a bad feeling.
You are still young and hopefully have good health on your side.

I thought of this little poem from 1997 when I read that line in your post:

"I've never been like this, just living in yesterdays.
But, there's so much that I miss, and so much I still can't face.
If there's a chance for me, I just can't see it now
All I can see is what can't be, and all I can feel is no way out!
I should be moving on, what am I doing here, and why can't I dry these tears? "

Maybe there is a chance for life, maybe we just can't see it right now.
I always thought I could use logic and ' think ' my way out of anything.
Then suddenly something happened that proved that theory wrong.
Hang in. You never know what's around the bend.

 

[Suzanne]

I USED to feel that way! And especially things I tried to do, I failed and so thought: what is the point?

There was one time that I decided in order to get to America, I needed to arrange something so I can get my flight paied for. You see, I had an obsession with America, since a child, due to book reading.

I found out that I could be an au pair, but I would need to drive. I have NO idea why I did not just phone and organise to learn to drive, but there you go. I felt it was a sumountable obsticle for me and so, I tried all sorts of different angles to achieve the same result of getting to America, but of course, it was not going to happen and so, I gave up the idea.

My boyfriend, some year's later actually bought me driving lessons, but the method they taught was absolutely horrifying to me. I was in a car of 4 and each of us had to take a turn and I was hopeless and had ringing in my ears: you will never be a driver.

I quit and of course, my boyfriend was not pleased.

Zip forward, being married (different man) and no choice but move to France and heavy regrets for not learning to drive whilst in my own country. NOW it is all clear to me what I could have acheived, but whilst in my country, it was not clear.

It took one day, on uttering the words: I am useless at everything, to realise how inane that statement was. It is just not possible to be bad at everything, because no human being can try everything there is.

I know this is going to be tough, but you might want to contemplate doing something drastic with your video games, because they could be holding you back.

 

[Bella Pines]

This is normal. For us. We are thought focused and black and white. It's very easy for us to relax into your situation and it happens frequently throughout our lives. This is how we retreat when life gets too overwhelming. We are also perfectionists and so see failure where others are happy being average. It's easy to get to where you are, but takes a lot more energy to pull out of it.

I'd suggest starting small and taking baby steps. Here's the exit procedure:

1. Recognition. Recognize your situation now, you've checked this one already.
2. Ownership. Acknowledge that you and you alone are responsible for your life. Stop waiting for therapists, parents, family or friends to fix your life, step up and take ownership.
3. Choice. Recognize that every minute is a choice. We fall back on excuses when things aren't going so well, "I can't do this I am autistic", "it isn't my fault", "I didn't have a choice". Well we do. You're not a teenager anymore, it's time to stop whining.
4. First step. During my darkest depression, the first step I made (unintentionally), was to brush my teeth every morning. This was a huge effort at the time, but looking back it was the first step. Figure out what your first step can be and put as much energy as you can into it.
5. Second step. Do something positive every day, something like a morning walk. If not every day then 2 or 3 times a week until it becomes routine.
6. Rejoin the world. Once you've taken a few steps, ramp it up. Either get involved in volunteering, or if you can, get a job, like working at a local store. Don't reach for the stars, you have plenty of time for that later. You need to fix your immediate problem before looking to the future.
7. Routine. Once you've tried real life out, work out your balance, can you push to 3 days a week and retreat for the other 4? Find ways to cope, coffee shops, books.
8. Headspace. How can you control overthinking? Yoga? Reiki? Therapy? A friend? A mentor? You have to steer your brain slowly to a positive frame, try different things until you find the one that works.

If you follow this 8 step process then eventually you'll stumble across a special interest, once that clicks into place then purpose will be restored into your life.

But you have to just live until your purpose finds you. Forcing yourself back to uni doesn't make sense at this point, you're just going through the motions. Live an average life until your purpose finds you and then the future plan will form itself.

For example, you might get a job as a receptionist at a GP surgery and decide you are fascinated by medicine. You might get a job in a construction firm and discover a passion for engineering. You might back pack in india and decide to become a human rights lawyer. But your bedroom is a small, confined space, there's probably not a lot of ideas there. Get out and find something.

Best of luck

 

[Peter Morrison]

Set simple goals - make a promise to do something that will benefit you. Try, fail, try again. Sometimes we think that getting through a day is like being asked to push a broken down bus up hill. We don't try because the task has "failure" written all over it. Chisel down the tasks and choose one you can accomplish. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to make mistakes. From the comments, I see you have a lot of support here.

 

[Autistamatic]

Most of us have been where you are now, but it doesn't last forever. Sooner or later, even without trying, something comes along that piques your interest and you're off. Of course you don't have to wait for it, you can actively look for it too.
Without the downs in our lives, we wouldn't appreciate the ups half as much. Even people who have all the advantages in life and want for nothing still feel like you do from time to time.
I reached a crossroads in my own life at the beginning of this year, not by choice, and it dragged me down no end... Until I realised that there were several projects, skills I'd wanted to learn, things I had wanted to create, that I had been putting off for years because I "didn't have the time". Now my situation isn't yet resolved, and is no less precarious, but I have something to show for those wilderness months and I don't feel like it's been lost or wasted time.
Is there anything in your life that you've been putting off? Anything you've wanted to do but kept telling yourself there was a reason you couldn't do it? If there is, maybe now's the time to give it a go?

 

[Mr Allen]

I kind of feel the same way sometimes.

I mean come on, I turned 42 6 months ago, and aside from 20 odd years of voluntary work I've never worked, I've also never had a serious relationship with a human female, well there was a girl at school but we lost touch when we both left.

Thing is though, I want the whole "Marriage and at least 2 kids" thing, but I've come to the sad conclusion that if I was ever intended to get Wed and give my Parents another set of Grandchildren, I'd have done it years ago.

 

[Shamar]

Just a quick rant, im sorry i feel i have to say it.

Basically , I dont do anything anymore.
Just sitting in my room while my parents are gone for vacations and thats it.

I not even at unni anymore and i dont know if i will start another year. I can register online so i dont.
I dont even know why i would do that.

I dont even know why i have to get a situation in life. Iv never succeded at anything. Everything I will try will fail.

Spent a whole week spacing out on internet and video games...but even in video game i accomplish nothing.
Its like im lost in time ,a day feel like an hour but an hour feel like a day...

I dont regret my past, never felt that i had a choice...
And here i am , lost.
I just feel like I have nothing to expect from life, and I cant get over my past.

You CAN have a life, it just won't be the life you wish you had. Just like almost everyone else here. The first step is to accept and come to terms with your autism. Learn what you can do and what you cannot do, and live within those limits.

You are also in the throes of major depression. That may need to be the first thing to deal with. medications may be necessary, at least at first. Good luck with the future.