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I can’t find an “in-between”

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Markness said:
That person also didn’t want me to have a girlfriend.
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How do you know?

Is that what they said?

And if it was, what reasons did they offer for that opinion?

Why do you care what they think?
 
tree said:
How do you know?

Is that what they said?

And if it was, what reasons did they offer for that opinion?

Why do you care what they think?
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The damning tone of their messages and hostility towards my person.

It hurts because I haven’t been able to prove people like her wrong or at least find a direction that will lead me to success.
 
*damning tone of their messages* is an interpretation.

So this was an on-line acquaintance, not some one you
encounter in every day real life?

By focusing on proving people wrong you use a lot of energy
thinking about what others say. You act like living is a debate.

With winners and losers.

And winning /losing are very important terms you've heard
in your family. Right?
 
How did you find the in-between when it came to making friends in general? You would use the same "skills" you used making friends to getting a girlfriend(not the EXACT same but, most of the same). Girlfriend does have something in common: "friend". I recently came to that realization when I was feeling lonely and wanting a girlfriend... kinda can't get to the "girl" part without the "friend" part(there are some lucky few, emphasis on "lucky").
One way of making friends is sharing your music tastes on a sub-forum. A potential friend or girlfriend might see that and become interested. I wouldn't think you would get bullied here or rejected(I would use this as practice not with the intent of finding a girlfriend). Even if one or the other did happen, the worse that could come from it is that you can leave saying you tried and didn't give up! Share other interests if that avenue didn't work out.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: Finding the in-between takes practice. It won't happen overnight and you will have some times where you will want to ram your head into a brick wall. Even if you had a girlfriend, on some days you may still want to ram your head into a brick wall LMAO(unless you happen upon the less than 1% relationship where you barely argue or have problems).
 
tree said:
*damning tone of their messages* is an interpretation.

So this was an on-line acquaintance, not some one you
encounter in every day real life?

By focusing on proving people wrong you use a lot of energy
thinking about what others say. You act like living is a debate.

With winners and losers.

And winning /losing are very important terms you've heard
in your family. Right?
Click to expand...
They are indeed important terms to my family. I’ve explained my parents’ mentalities here before but it’s more complicated with my male siblings. They don’t struggle socially like I do but they still don’t like the idea of losing. I suppose it’s because they both have families and careers so they need to hold on to what they have or they will feel like they’ve wasted their lives. My female siblings don’t have these issues.
 
The one who “shook her head” at me would probably be glad that I am still single and struggling to get my life together.
 
Markness said:
The one who “shook her head” at me would probably be glad that I am still single and struggling to get my life together.
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How does this speculation further your happiness?

Or, putting it another way, what's so fun about making up
negative stories casting yourself as a victim?
 
I just have to ask: do you want a girlfriend because you want a relationship or do you want social validation?

Because it seems like what you're after is validation. That's not a good reason.

No one else can do this for you.
 
There is no one "rule" and nothing will work for everyone. Someone might not be attracted another physically and they could be just about everything else in "every other way."

Easiest "rule" to follow is Ask, and ask lots of questions. Allow the other people to ask and talk to you too-don't suffocate them. However, ask the person if it's okay to ask a deeper level question or if it needs to be kept more casual. If they are open to rushing certain things- that is the best way to gauge where you are.

Sure, some people will even say they lost interest because you couldn't gauged and asked- well I say that's immature or a bunch of bull on the other person. Someone they are really interested in, they would not get bothered by someone asking what's appropriate and what's not because it will be different for everyone.
 
tree said:
How does this speculation further your happiness?

Or, putting it another way, what's so fun about making up
negative stories casting yourself as a victim?
Click to expand...
They aren’t fun. They just feel apt because that’s historically how I’ve been treated since I was a child.
 
Markness said:
I’ve been told partly why I haven’t managed to be successful in finding love (Aside from one short lived relationship in 2010.) is because I move either too slowly or too quickly in social interactions. I apparently come across as being non-interested or too desperate. But how can I find an “in-between” so to say?
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Through trial-and-error. Keep trying, and learn from your mistakes.

Side note: How many people have literally told you that they do not want you to have a girlfriend?
 
Markness said:
They typed “SMH” which means “shaking my head” in regards to what someone else posted. She thought I was deserving of contempt.
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I think @tree’s message above is helpful. A phrase like “shaking my head” is not very informative, really. I find things like that very hard to interpret.
 
Rodafina said:
I think @tree’s message above is helpful. A phrase like “shaking my head” is not very informative, really. I find things like that very hard to interpret.
Click to expand...
She didn’t want me to have a girlfriend and was hoping I would hang my head in shame.
 
Markness said:
She didn’t want me to have a girlfriend and was hoping I would hang my head in shame.
Click to expand...
How do you know that?
Did she use those exact words?
How do you know what this person's hopes for you were?

Markness said:
The one who “shook her head” at me would probably be glad that I am still single and struggling to get my life together.
Click to expand...
How long ago was this?
And what degree of acquaintanceship did you have with that person?
 
@Markness: Why should it matter to you that someone doesn't want you to have a girlfriend?

Are you blaming them for your lack of a girlfriend, instead of accepting the blame for yourself?

Maybe they just don't care whether or not you have a girlfriend.
 
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