I can only date online

[Atreyu]

The more I think about this, the more it seems to be true. I don't know why, but I never seem to fall for people I meet irl. I've met a number of people who are local, and some even seem to be 'into' me, to put it lightly, but I can never seem to click with them, no matter how many shared interests we have.
Meanwhile, the idea of dating online seems preferable. I know a few people that I would totally want to be with, but they live so far away from me.

What's worse to me is that most of these people are role playing partners that I, eventually, get close to and start to crush on. Mostly people who play the same games and/or are in the same social circles. Why?? Why does my brain fight me like this? It's impossible for anything to come from it if they live on the other side of the country... much less another country altogether.
Is it wrong to date someone knowing that nothing might come of it? That you might not ever see one another face to face? Does anyone else have this problem? It jut feels so much easier online.

 

[Keigan]

There is safety through online interaction, and there is pause and time to reflect if the interaction is through email or post or text, and there are no non-verbal cues that need to be deciphered, and many people place extra time and explaination to ensure that mis-communocations are reduced, and fantasy role playing is an alter-ego that provides the ability to practice self before allowing the expression to become a part of the individual behind the alter-ego.

 

[OlLiE]

I gave up on dating. The hurdle was just too large. I met my fiancé through online dating, getting married in November after 7 years of being together.

The internet is great. It lets you present yourself the way you want, weed out the timewasters.
We exchanged messages for weeks before seeing each other.

Also, if you take your time, distance isn't a problem (excepted for the cost of seeing each other). If you find someone that you really click with, moving isn't an insurmountable problem.

good luck

 

[Atreyu]

Thanks for your replies
You're right, Keigan, in all that you wrote. There's time to reflect and there's a quietness that I enjoy. People by nature are just too loud for me. They're too 'extra' I guess is the modern term. There's a girl here that continues to try and get with me, but aside from our text-based communication, I just can't seem to want to hang out, even when I do get 'the time' to do so. She gives me space and it's appreciated, but I get exhausted in very short order. I've also got issues with anxiety and depression, so I only have so many spoons that I can spare after working in retail. I'm always exhausted.

On top of that, I don't want to have to go out and constantly meet people. I get people talking to me on OKC sometimes, but I find myself disinterested in pretty short order. Like I mentioned, my best 'relationships' have always been with people in the same online social circle as myself. I don't really have an 'offline' social circle, to be honest. And with my odd working hours and constant exhaustion, I really don't want to find an offline circle, either.

As far as roleplaying goes, yes there is a "safe space" there that means I don't have to constantly interact as "just me", but there is more to it than that, too.
I love making characters and I love designing them and drawing them. It's really how I express myself, though art and design (character design, costume design, world design, general creation and building within an already created world, etc) and a love for this sort of thing. If someone doesn't "get it" then I don't feel they really get -me-.

Ollie, I'm at the stage now where I've pretty much given up on dating as well. And have for a while now. The last two relationships I was in, while not perfect, were also probably some of the happiest dating times I've ever had. And both happened by accident, both started out online and I met both of them in real life eventually. I had plans to move where they were. One was a state away, the other was on the other side of the country. But we broke up, of course. One of them I broke up with and started seeing the other in short order, but that eventually fizzled out as well... and I was left heartbroken. So much so that the last relationship, online or off, that I had was about 5 years ago. But I was also *happy* with these arrangements, too. And they were my longest lasting relationships as well (both lasting for years). I've had a few flings, one-night-stands and other crap that had little to no emotional impact on me, including a real-life relationship with someone that died after only a couple of months due to my lack of input or ability to really 'care', as mean as that sounds.

I feel like my fixations and passions are so narrow (generally fantasy design, inspired heavily by my love of the Final Fantasy franchise) that it's impossible that I'll meet anyone I click with in real life anyhow. Most people here don't even know what games aside from modern shooters are, much less are interested in art, design, writing and so on.

 

[xudo]

I guess you could look at it in the sense that you might meet someone online and then it becomes a relationship irl. I met my husband online.

 

[paloftoon]

Just because someone is not or does not get in your online circle doesn't mean you should shut them out. Just try to feel each experience out individually and judge the context as best as you can.

 

[Atreyu]

I think my issue with that is that...
1. I live in a place where most people are really right-leaning and intolerant. Even the nicest people I've tried to get to know will eventually reveal how they really feel about things. And while I know some people don't believe that politics should play any part in a relationship, they do in mine. A huge one. Someone's political viewpoint reveals a lot about them as a person. I'd bring out a list of quotes, but I'll refrain. I'll just say that a LOT of people where I live, in the entire surrounding area and anywhere I could travel for a semi-distanced relationship, are pro-Trump almost exclusively and I've gotten into some awkward situations with that. My schedule with work also makes it very hard to meet people as well, and I'm let down time and time again when I finally think 'this person will be different'. Nope. They just hide how they really feel better, which is highly unattractive to me.

2. I've tried various offline dating sites. There are like 5 people near me who are bisexual and most are not out about it and want to remain closeted. So yeah. Nope. Especially since I'm FtM and don't want to hide it from people because it's stressful doing so? Nope. I don't feel like being shoved back into the closet with a female and don't want to be someone's dirty secret, either.

3. I expand my 'circle' as much as I can online, where I feel most comfortable. I cast a very wide net and catch a few good friends from it no matter where I go. Which has made me very happy in the respect that I have a lot of friends, but they also live very far from me and I don't know what I'd do once we did start dating.

I want love and affection. Hell, I'd even say that I'm starved for it at this point, but a combination of being one to suffer in silence (difficult to tell people that you like them without being weird or creepy about it) and also unwilling to enter into something that I know is a bad idea (dating locally) I feel like it's about like sticking my hand in a bear trap and hoping for the best.

 

[paloftoon]

Atreyu, it sounds like you need to move out. There are other people in this world that are much more tolerant than those that you seem to describe. Some people only care about going about their own day.

 

[Atreyu]

In the last few years, I've tried to do exactly that, actually. The problem is that there is no safety net of family in any of the places I could move to, and most places that I would want to move to are not cheap. I would need several roommates and I've had very bad experiences with them in the recent past.

I moved to Omaha, NE first because I had friends there and a roommate lined up. At the time, I didn't want to really date because I'd just gotten out of a really long, committed relationship and was just looking for an escape from the bad memories here. So I just up and left immediately after college. I was there for a couple of years and through that time I was pressured more and more by said roommate to start a relationship that I wasn't wanting of and, even if I were or would have been, I was certainly not ready for. I did eventually wind up having a short relationship with another guy, but my lack of passion killed it off in short order (within ~4 months or so).

So I decided to leave again. This time I went to FL, where again, I knew people that I'd met online who were looking for another roommate. I get there only to find that things were not exactly as they had told me -- one of the friends that had a 'boyfriend' was actually married to the guy, the other two (whom were to be my eventual roommates) were actually sleeping together despite one of them being in a long-distance relationship, and the 'fling guy' was not only the caretaker of the 'cheater' but he was also a 'recovered alcoholic' -- but things seemed alright otherwise, so I pushed past those red flags and got an apartment with the latter two within a week of moving there.

Said 'recovered alcoholic' and 'cheater' started having personal issues. One wanted to date, the other didn't because they had a boyfriend that they 'loved'. It escalated into arguments that I had to hear, and eventually the 'alcoholic' started turning back to drinking, which made things even worse. Eventually he lost his job, meaning that we were in very real danger of becoming homeless since the 'cheater' wasn't working. One night, he threatened both myself and the 'cheater' with physical harm, to which we called the cops and forced him out since, at that point, he was a squatter anyhow.

Myself and the cheater went to TX, back to where their family lived. I had a job lined up and I promised that if this friend got a job, we'd get an apartment. I had been promised a place to live in TX temporarily in exchange for moving the "friend" back home; I was given a room and I was grateful. However, I came home from working a full day to find that my stuff was to be moved out to the shed instead. I lived in a shed for 3 months waiting for my "friend" to get a job. They never did.

Again, friends from online came to my rescue. I moved to Chicago with them instead on the money I'd saved up. Unfortunately, the roommate there started getting clingy despite her having a boyfriend. She started turning people against me, claiming that I was abusive or whatever, at the same time she was the one who was screaming at me while I just stood there and took it. I finally asked the friend who had moved me all the way up there to help me move back home (not far away) where I could live alone and be away from... just everyone. And said friend (who is still a friend to this day) happily obliged since she knew what had been happening and how toxic things were between myself and my roommate.

I moved back to my home town, not because I really wanted to, but because it's cheaper here. I have a family 'safety net'. I live alone now, and it's preferable. I can live comfortably on my retail paycheck while trying to look for a better job as well. I can't do that elsewhere. Not without the assistance of others. But I just cannot trust others with my 'real life'. Hopefully now you can see why.

I want the pleasure and commitment and affection of a relationship, but I just cannot trust people with my life anymore.

Keep in mind, these were not short-term relationships I'd had online, either. Many of them I had known for several years before meeting up with them or considering moving in with them. I'm terrified to trust anyone again.

 

[Lemon Zing]

I've never been on any dating sites in ages. I never got anywhere with any of them. Gumtree used to have dating ads, but most of them were fake. Too many pompous types inhabit these sites and they come with high expectations, and nobody else with autism is easily discovered on them, from what I could see. The very few autism dating sites I did join were completely dead, so I just deleted my profiles. There's some free generic dating ones in the UK, like Flirtbox, and Plentyoffish, but substitute the first 'F' in "fish" for a 'P' and that sums up what it truly is. I'm not sure what your chances are on Match.com, but I think I'll be single forever now.

 

[Keigan]

There's a girl here that continues to try and get with me, but aside from our text-based communication, I just can't seem to want to hang out, even when I do get 'the time' to do so. She gives me space and it's appreciated, but I get exhausted in very short order.

If someone is interested, then sit down and have a conversation them - of you explain that you are frequently exhausted, there might be possibility to help manage the interactions so they don’t exhaust you further. If they will and interested, then try.

 

[Lemon Zing]

I think asking out a girl when you are on the spectrum takes guts. Kudos to those who do it. I'm not very brave though, but I would think that even NT people feel shyness.

 

[Judge]

Online relationships depend a great deal on real honesty. Otherwise be careful you aren't a victim of "catfishing". Something that happened to me many years ago.

Dealing with someone who conveniently left out that she got married.

 

[pjcnet]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with dating online at all if you both enjoy it, go with the flow and try not to worry about it too much. The only thing I will say is keep your personal information private, at least until you think you know someone well.

Talking about online role playing games, I sometimes play MMORPGs and I can often play either a male or female character. If I play a female you actually get more people trying to make friend's with you and some will even try to chat you up since there's usually a lot more real life males playing and they think they're chatting up an actual female lol! There's lots of male players who play female characters in online games, you most probably know that, but it's just a warning to others lol!

PS: My friend used to joke that you must be gay if you role play a female character which obviously isn't necessarily the case (I'm straight BTW), but you could be accused of being gay either way. You might be told that you're playing a male character because you prefer looking at males instead of enjoying the slender look of a female, but if you play a female character you might be accused of relating to being a female yourself instead, so you really can't win lol!

 

[Atreyu]

Well, I'm bisexual (pansexual, actually) so I don't mind the accusations of being gay nor do I mind whichever gender wants to talk to me! I prefer to play male characters because I myself am FtM, so I've had to "play" a female for far too long. I want to be taken as a male regardless of where I go *and* I find men attractive, too. So male character it is!