How well can you "do" empathy?

[Bella Pines]

I wasn't born with any empathic abilities. At all. I'm also challenged in the sympathy and compassion departments. My husband jokingly calls my attempts "em-pathetic"

It's not that I don't care, I have great faith in people and love seeing them healthy and happy. I'd love to be able to make a difference and make the world a better place.

I do believe that you can support and assist people, but ultimately they have to find the strength to help themselves. If you force unsolicited help on people, you can do more harm than good.

Only last weekend, I tried empathy. Someone I knew broke up with her partner, who was controlling and borderline abusive. Her furrowed brow suggested that she was bothered and so I attempted to console her by patting her arm and saying "well done". A few minutes later my husband subtely whispered "wrong noise" and so I tried "oh no, poor you", which was received with gratitude. Really, I was thinking that she should have sorted it out sooner and it was about time.

But no one seems to understand or share my perspective and in the NT world, empty platitudes are far more meaningful. A "friend" (in the aspie sense of the word) suggested that sympathy and platitudes come naturally if you feel empathy.

So I wonder, do I need empathy? Can empathy be learned? It seems straight forward, put yourself in someone's shoes and I can do that with my aspie friends, but not with NTs. Is it that NTs are wired so very differently that I can't master empathy? That I simply will never be able to understand what it's like to be them? Has anyone studied or mastered empathy?

Empathy

1. the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.
   
   
2. the imaginative ascribing to an object, as a natural object or work of art, feelings or attitudes present in oneself

 

[wight]

It is important to understand the differences between the 3 things:

Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within the other person's frame of reference.
Sympathy is the perception, understanding, and reaction to the distress or need of another life form.
Compassion motivates people to go out of their way to help the physical, mental or emotional pains of another and themselves.

Part of the reason that this is somewhat confusing is that "empathy" is divided into 2 types:
Affective empathy: the capacity to respond with an appropriate emotion to another's mental or emotional state.
Cognitive empathy: the capacity to understand another's perspective or mental state.

I have found that what most people generally call "empathy" is a combination of Affective Empathy (capacity to respond appropriately) and Sympathy (perception, understanding, and reaction).

Consider your husband's "wrong noise" and your friend's reaction to the "right noise". For that situation, "aw poor thing" was the "appropriate response". What is "appropriate" depends on the person, the situation, the relationship, and other factors. NTs, consciously or not, can quickly read body language and generalize the "situation" to make the "right noise." Obviously with a deficit in understanding facial cues and body language, aspies are going to have trouble with making the "right noise" at the right time.

 

[Fitzo]

I don't believe you can learn empathy. You either have it or you don't. I can manage it up to a point. If someone is experiencing something I have experienced myself I can remember how I felt and put myself in their shoes. If it's something I have no experience of I really struggle to know how to respond.

 

[Bolletje]

I usually don't struggle with empathy. I've always been a very empathetic person, but learning to properly express it was a bit of a journey. As a child I showed empathy indiscriminately. I tried to care for (and felt lots of emotions about) the tiniest creature and/or plant and/or inanimate object. I was always the first to try and comfort people that were crying, although sometimes not in the handiest of ways. When I was a toddler visiting my grandparents, my grandmother got a call that her mother had died unexpectedly. I climbed in her lap to hug her and tell her something along the line of "don't cry, little one, it's all going to be okay" because that's what my mother used to say when I was sad. As a teenager and an adolescent I learned when expressing empathy is expected and which persons you're expected to express empathy to. Through trial and error I've learned to express myself in the way society (and friends) expect. To a degree that most of my friends and acquaintances prefer coming to me for comfort, rather than to our other neurotypical friends.

 

[Fitzo]

I usually don't struggle with empathy. I've always been a very empathetic person, but learning to properly express it was a bit of a journey. As a child I showed empathy indiscriminately. I tried to care for (and felt lots of emotions about) the tiniest creature and/or plant and/or inanimate object. I was always the first to try and comfort people that were crying, although sometimes not in the handiest of ways. When I was a toddler visiting my grandparents, my grandmother got a call that her mother had died unexpectedly. I climbed in her lap to hug her and tell her something along the line of "don't cry, little one, it's all going to be okay" because that's what my mother used to say when I was sad. As a teenager and an adolescent I learned when expressing empathy is expected and which persons you're expected to express empathy to. Through trial and error I've learned to express myself in the way society (and friends) expect. To a degree that most of my friends and acquaintances prefer coming to me for comfort, rather than to our other neurotypical friends.

Do you think maybe you are getting confused between empathy and sympathy?
I mean I get enormously upset about animals being hurt or mistreated but that is because I really sympathise with them. I don't really see how you can show empathy to a plant or inanimate object.

 

[Bolletje]

Do you think maybe you are getting confused between empathy and sympathy?
I mean I get enormously upset about animals being hurt or mistreated but that is because I really sympathise with them. I don't really see how you can show empathy to a plant or inanimate object.

I'm sorry, I didn't clarify that enough(English is not my first language). I meant that I felt empathy for pretty much everyone, as well as sympathy for everything. Later learned to narrow that down a little.

 

[Keigan]

"oh no, poor you"

You have it right there.... that phrase will kind of work in 95% of situations. Just find a few more and mix them up.

 

[OlLiE]

i learned how to fake empathy through TV sitcoms:
- what should trigger empathy
- what reactions are expected

i know that i don't come over that well, so i no longer try, i play to my strengths
so i do what i can, listen/rather than talk, ask what i can do to help rather that trying to sympathise

 

[InPrincipio]

I actually have enormous capacity for empathy, although I wouldn't say I experience it in each and every situation. I think that because I have experienced a lot, and have been a keen observer throughout my life, that I can relate very well to the possible emotional reactions to many experiences. Unfortunately, it is also enormously overwhelming. There are times when I can't control the feelings I experience, and I have to detach myself or else I don't know how far my reaction(s) will go. Sometimes it just sucks the life out of me. I hate crying (and I'm not normally a crier, but I did do a lot of it as a kid), and if I resist, the feeling goes into my body somehow. I HAVE to get through it logically. If one person has told me something before that has made me feel this way, I am already on guard for the next time and try to work through it in a way that is fair to me.

 

[Warmheart]

You seem like a really good, caring friend to me— someone with a good heart!

Sounds like you are challenged with cognitive empathy, like many of us on the spectrum. This is the ability to guess how somebody feels.
And like many of us, it also sounds like you have good affective empathy. Meaning, once you have been told directly how someone feels, you either can think, feel, or imagine how they might be feeling... and you respond with whatever kindness you can think of.

For NTs, the correct social response is more intuitive. We try to learn it.... while juggling sensory overload, social overwhelm, processing challenges, and highly complex communication challenges, no matter how verbal we may be.

I think it is helpful to see the dry logic in other people’s problems, and to recognize that your heart is kind.

How lucky to have a friend like you, who can see logic and perhaps (eventually) share that, sometime after putting so much effort into supporting her feelings. I’d let her process her feelings a few days or weeks, but then your clear viewpoint can be a helpful rock for her to stand on to view things.

 

[OrSomething]

I think I'm pretty empathetic. I may not always emotionally feel what the other person is feeling, but I care about them and want to help. I don't always know what to say, though. Another thing I've noticed is that I have selective empathy. For example, if someone is upset, and another person gets annoyed/mad at them for being upset, I will empathize with the first person but not the second.

 

[OkRad]

I am horrible empathetic, sympathetic and compassionate to the point of losing all reason. I used to be overwhelmed, like a mystic. I was a mystic. I would ache and not sleep for days if I met someone who was suffering. I suffered more than they did sometimes because they might drink or something and I was stuck going over it all in my head.

I learned to tone it down when I was abused. Then I realized maybe people are not as good as I thought. But still, I struggle with it.

I can't watch the news and don't watch movies with certain plots. If someone now comes over and dumps., I LEAVE. There are only a few people now that I reserve this for and even then, I try to run away from it.

It is hard thing to balance, that is for sure.

 

[Mathalamus]

i am usually pretty bad with empathy, but i have long since worked around out, by helping out anyway, regardless of whether i want to, or is even capable of helping or not.

my pattern is this: if empathy fails, then morality. if morality fails, then pragmatism. if *that* fails, then claim strategic interests.

my empathy fails pretty often, so i fall back on my sense of morals: "hey, its the right thing to do, to help others"

if my morality fails then pragmatic nature takes over: "helping others is useful, as it makes other people happy."

if my pragmatism fails (which is rare) then my last one takes over: "helping this person would prove useful to me in the long run. also, maybe this person is required to be happy because he or she does a lot of things for others, or me."

... yeah, i put in a lot of work to cover up for my many failures in empathy.

 

[Judge]

I used to think I fundamentally struggled with empathy. However discussing it here with others over the years has convinced me that it's not a question of whether I have empathy or not. I do.

However projecting empathy in a way meaningful to Neurotypicals is another matter. That's where it can be difficult for me at times.

 

[Chance]

Amen to what Judge said...

I have it, maybe a massive abundance of it, but knowing how and when to use it, is just a mystery at times. Then I feel bad because I know I should be doing, or saying, something and usually something stupid comes out of my mouth.

In everyday reasonably calm situations I can manage somewhat, but if its a situation where lots of people are upset... I get very upset inside but struggle really hard with how I think its supposed to show on the outside.

 

[Ragnahawk]

So I wonder, do I need empathy? Can empathy be learned? It seems straight forward, put yourself in someone's shoes and I can do that with my aspie friends, but not with NTs. Is it that NTs are wired so very differently that I can't master empathy? That I simply will never be able to understand what it's like to be them? Has anyone studied or mastered empathy?

It is important to understand the differences between the 3 things:

Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within the other person's frame of reference.
Sympathy is the perception, understanding, and reaction to the distress or need of another life form.
Compassion motivates people to go out of their way to help the physical, mental or emotional pains of another and themselves.

Part of the reason that this is somewhat confusing is that "empathy" is divided into 2 types:
Affective empathy: the capacity to respond with an appropriate emotion to another's mental or emotional state.
Cognitive empathy: the capacity to understand another's perspective or mental state.

Yes you need empathy just like you need a map know where you are. No you don't have the map, yet you have access to other information such as the stars, the sun, the moon and maybe a compass. So in order to have empathy, you must learn how to better interpret the information you have. All NT's have the map. All ND's don't have maps. Both need to find their way back home, but one has an advantage. That doesn't mean you can't find your way home. You will not understand what it's like to have the map, because you have never had the map in front of you before. It's a map. You relay on other information. I have mastered empathy without the map. I have helped and earned the respect of almost all of the lower enlisted soldiers in my work place. The concepts are dirty, but they work. Math has method for disguising lack of empathy, but my method is to tackle all problems. It sucks not having a map. That doesn't mean I do not know my way back home after running into a couple trees. I've learned my way. The unfair advantage is a book I was shown to help with that.

 

[celestialregale]

I've been told I'm extremely empathetic, yet I'm also pretty self-absorbed, I think. I feel so incredibly awkward trying to make someone feel better, the desire is there though!

 

[InPrincipio]

Then there are the instances when a cool head is the most needed asset. Like when everybody else is freaking out in a crisis situation, and we can somehow put the empath in us aside and show the calmness under pressure. I've had to be that person I don't know now many times, and no one else in the given group was capable. Talk about tuning out the "noise" and hyper-focusing!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Then there are the instances when a cool head is the most needed asset. Like when everybody else is freaking out in a crisis situation, and we can somehow put the empath in us aside and show the calmness under pressure. I've had to be that person I don't know now many times, and no one else in the given group was capable. Talk about tuning out the "noise" and hyper-focusing!

'If you can keep yojr head when all about, are losing theirs and blaming jt on you'
Kipling

 

[Cinco]

I feel it but I can't bring myself to show it