How to tell my friend that I have feelings for him?.

[AspieLadyUK]

Hello everyone. It's nice to join a forum for anyone who has Autism and who can offer support. I wonder if you could offer any advice on this situation?. It would be much appreciated. I have been friends with this guy for about two months. We both have Asperger's Syndrome. We have a lot in common. I have feelings for him at the moment, but I am not sure how to tell him. When we have been together, he has smiled and winked at me a few times ( one of the times that he did that, he asked if I was ok), and when we were watching some bands last week, we were stood on one side of the room, then later, I was stood in another part of the room and he came and stood next to me for the rest of the night. We were watching some bands again last night. I had a bit of an overload as he was dancing with his female friend ( not in a romantic way), and I went and stood somewhere else. Later, he sent me a text asking if I was still in the building. I told him where I was, and that there was something bothering me. He came straight over to me and said that if I was worried about his female friend, I shouldn't be as she is only his friend, and he said that he didn't want me to think that he didn't want to hang out with me. He also told me not to be afraid to tell him anything. He also posted a public post once and mentioned my name in it, saying that I am one of the people that he has been very grateful to have met. He mentioned a few other people too. What do you think about how he is towards me and what should I do?. The more I spend time with him, the more I like him. He once asked me if I had many relationships in the past, but he didn't explain why he asked that. He also said that he doesn't think that he is good at relationships, but he didn't say why. A couple of my ex boyfriends were abusive towards me. He is very kind. If I have forgotten to add anything to this post about us, I will add it another time.

 

[Judge]

Personally in my own life I've found that a physical gesture of affection given was far more effective than any words delivered even with the best timing.

No minced words, no mixed messages in a kiss. Given or received.

It's the same message I'd say to him under such circumstances. Especially if or when both of you may simply be reticent (or just plain gun-shy) about showing your real feelings about each other. Where being subtle may not be of much value to either of you.

Sometimes you have to take risks to move forward in the direction you want.

 

[Joshua the Writer]

Just tell him, "Hey, dude, I like you, but more than as just a friend." That is the most simple and effective way to tell him your feelings. You don't even need to be very formal (I even used 'dude' as an example as to what you can refer to him as). Don't hold back your words, don't stall, don't create any buildup before saying it, don't try anything elaborate, don't screw around. Don't be shy. Just go for it, and hopefully it turns out well. If you tell him and he says he still wants to be just friends, just be friends. Maybe he isn't ready for a relationship yet if he says no to it. Maybe he doesn't like you the same way you do yet. Stay as friends and maybe try again later. However, he seems like he has developed extra feelings for you, since you said:

I had a bit of an overload as he was dancing with his female friend ( not in a romantic way), and I went and stood somewhere else. Later, he sent me a text asking if I was still in the building. I told him where I was, and that there was something bothering me. He came straight over to me and said that if I was worried about his female friend, I shouldn't be as she is only his friend, and he said that he didn't want me to think that he didn't want to hang out with me. He also told me not to be afraid to tell him anything. He also posted a public post once and mentioned my name in it, saying that I am one of the people that he has been very grateful to have met. He mentioned a few other people too. What do you think about how he is towards me and what should I do?. The more I spend time with him, the more I like him. He once asked me if I had many relationships in the past, but he didn't explain why he asked that.

Yeah, I think he is into you.

Also, try to get to know him a better for a bit more before telling him. You did say that you've been friends for 2 months.

Anyways, that is my advice. Hope all goes well with you and your friend!

 

[Tom]

We have a limited view of course, but what is there seems positive to me. Particularly that he would explain to you that his female friend is not his 'Girlfriend'. I can't think of any other reason to do that unless he was interested in you as well. In the NT world the man typically initiates and asks the woman on a date, but it is not written in stone and the ASD world is not typical. So you could wait and see if he approaches you about it which is the safer course, or be the one to ask him on a date. Just be mentally prepared for a 'no' which is deflating but not the end of the world. Better to ask and be turned down then never ask at all.

 

[Judge]

In the NT world the man typically initiates and asks the woman on a date, but it is not written in stone and the ASD world is not typical.

Ain't that the truth! In this instance my life has been quite contrary to so many of those dreaded NT social conventions. Especially when I couldn't "read" those subtleties of courtship. Where a future girlfriend took the initiative. It wasn't in every case, but it certainly helped under the circumstances.

 

[Tom]

Ain't that the truth! In this instance my life has been quite contrary to so many of those dreaded NT social conventions. Especially when I couldn't "read" those subtleties of courtship.

Yes, it doesn't always follow the script. My wife (NT) was the one who proposed to me. Though it really was just a matter of her beating me to the punch.

 

[ftfipps]

I'm a male, but physical contact is the ultimate way to get straight to the point. One time I knew this girl who was chomping at the bit to get ahold of me and I was a shy guy (back then not now) but late in the night I put my right arm around her...she melted like butter!!!

 

[Joshua the Writer]

In the NT world the man typically initiates and asks the woman on a date, but it is not written in stone and the ASD world is not typical. So you could wait and see if he approaches you about it which is the safer course, or be the one to ask him on a date.

Yes, it doesn't always follow the script. My wife (NT) was the one who proposed to me. Though it really was just a matter of her beating me to the punch.

Dude, I totally agree with you! To be honest, I am pretty sure that there is no such thing as "normal" at all, anyways, so, either way. Normal is such a stupid term.

 

[WittyAspie]

It sounds very much like he likes you. He is probably struggling to read your signals in the same way you are struggling to read his. I like the idea of kissing him. If he likes you, it would be like a dream come true for him. Pull him aside somewhere, away from distractions. Look at him, then go for it. Good luck!!

 

[Fino]

I'd just tell him, that's what I do, cause we could die right NOW...or NOW.....or NOW!

I'm still alive!

Time to go tell someone I love 'em!

 

[AspieLadyUK]

Oh yeah, one other thing I remembered...he called me darling once too in a text message, and calls me hun in text messages quite often!. I just wondered though if he just said that about his female friend because he knows that I feel upset sometimes if I think people are ignoring me?. It's difficult because I want to talk to him about it, but I don't want to scare him off lol!. My exes weren't autistic and didn't understand autism. He understands it because he has it too.

 

[Nauti]

It really does sound like he is into you. My guy is an Aspie too, as am I. We didn't know it when we got together though, and I was the initiator.

I just went over to his house and told him. I said some pretty poetic stuff that I'm a bit shy to post here, yet, but then I said "I like you, and not just in a platonic way."

He launched on me, kissing and cuddling me. I was delighted, as I was totally crushing, crazily about him!

It took us a while to properly get together, as there were complications with us. He was very scared and demoralized from previous relationships. I was sure about him, but he was pretty terrified and still hurting and kind of scared of commitment.

I just kept on persisting and showing him respect, kindness, affection and patience and eventually I got my man!

He is very happy I did! And so am I !!!

 

[Gracey]

Go for it



If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out,
You’ll never know unless you try.

 

[AspieLadyUK]

I have decided not to speak to him anymore.

 

[Joshua the Writer]

I have decided not to speak to him anymore.

What happened?

 

[AspieLadyUK]

I just feel really depressed with having Asperger's, not understanding how people socialise and not understanding why they say certain things to each other. Sometimes I see comments on his facebook page from other people and I don't understand what they mean. He has just had dinner and is at a gig tonight with two women. It's not that I don't want him to hang out with anyone else. It's just that I don't understand things. I think maybe I don't deserve friendships or relationships with having Asperger's. I have deactivated my Facebook page for now. I haven't told him why though. I haven't blocked his phone number though.

 

[Joshua the Writer]

I just feel really depressed with having Asperger's, not understanding how people socialise and not understanding why they say certain things to each other. Sometimes I see comments on his facebook page from other people and I don't understand what they mean. He has just had dinner and is at a gig tonight with two women. It's not that I don't want him to hang out with anyone else. It's just that I don't understand things. I think maybe I don't deserve friendships or relationships with having Asperger's. I have deactivated my Facebook page for now. I haven't told him why though. I haven't blocked his phone number though.

There is some things that you may not understand, but that doesn't mean that you should just shut yourself off from making friends and trying not to talk to family. Trust me, I made that mistake before, but that was quite a while ago and I don't want to bother telling anybody about it RN. Just tell him what he means and what they mean, okay?

 

[paloftoon]

Personally in my own life I've found that a physical gesture of affection given was far more effective than any words delivered even with the best timing.

No minced words, no mixed messages in a kiss. Given or received.

It's the same message I'd say to him under such circumstances. Especially if or when both of you may simply be reticent (or just plain gun-shy) about showing your real feelings about each other. Where being subtle may not be of much value to either of you.

Sometimes you have to take risks to move forward in the direction you want.

Do NOT kiss or do anything physical unless you know. People could feel harassed otherwise. It's the sad world we live in today. I guess you could try and see his reaction. I think it better just to ask in-person as
1-1 as possible first.

Also, he is probably with other women because he is seeking either a casual fling or building toward a relationship or both. If you don't ask and if he doesn't commit, he is free to look for other people. Even if he says he is interested, until you both say you're committed to each other, you are not committed to each other and are just "testing" each other out.

Also, look up "open relationship." Some people want this, and there are many types. I get the vibe you want monogamous. That is okay too of course. Try to be as natural as possible and ask these questions as the conversation leads itself there. He said you could ask him anything I think- so this is your chance to try to make a connection. You'll probably end up with a good friend at least even if he isn't interested romantically, but based on what I've read, he seems interested in you.

 

[Judge]

Do NOT kiss or do anything physical unless you know. People could feel harassed otherwise.

That's not really practical in a society that follows dating rituals where people may feel programmed not to show their real feelings. It's what makes that "first kiss" the hardest. With so many games played as a result of dating rituals, one may never really "know". Where someone must eventually make that first move.

But then it's just a kiss- nothing more, nothing less. Not an instant prelude to sex or marriage.

And yes, timing is still important. To feel some degree of confidence over such a thing with someone you're trying to get know over time. Not with someone you've just met.

I just suspect in the case of at least one of my relationships, had I not kissed her when I did I suspect she would have just given up on me and gone elsewhere. Where it wasn't her thing to make the first move. Of course when I did, I got more than I bargained for. But that's another story.

 

[paloftoon]

That's not really practical in a society that follows dating rituals where people may feel programmed not to show their real feelings. It's what makes that "first kiss" the hardest. With so many games played as a result of dating rituals, one may never really "know". Where someone must eventually make that first move.

But then it's just a kiss- nothing more, nothing less. Not an instant prelude to sex or marriage.

And yes, timing is still important. To feel some degree of confidence over such a thing with someone you're trying to get know over time. Not with someone you've just met.

Right, well sometimes, you might not know until you actually ask directly.
That's the best way to go in this case.