how to bring up the Aspie discussion?

[NTgirl4276]

hi everyone, it's my first post here so please forgive me if I'm repeating an old thread...

I'm an NT woman and I have been slowly dating a likely Aspie man for the past 3 months and I like him a lot. On our fourth date, he briefly mentioned that he is on the "high functioning end" of "the spectrum." he just sort of dropped it into the conversation and kept going, so I didn't ask any follow-up questions because I wasn't sure if he had intended to reveal that or if he let it slip accidentally. I didn't want to force him into a conversation he may not have been ready for, so I let it pass.

It's been a handful of dates since then and I continue to like him more and more. I've noticed that we certainly have differences--mainly in our communication styles and his reluctance to initiate pretty much anything, whether it's physical contact or dating plans. But, I've been direct with him about my interest in continuing to date him and he has reciprocated when I have done so.

My question for Aspies, if you're willing to offer some advice, is: would you be offended if someone you are dating brings up the Aspie discussion with you? Would you prefer to bring it up yourself? If not, how might your partner broach the subject with you in a way that would be non-threatening or non-accusatory?? My main concern is putting him in an uncomfortable position, but I think that we need to talk about it sooner rather than later if we hope to continue dating one another (and I certainly do). I'm more than happy to make adjustments to my dating behaviors (like I'm ready to be patient when it comes to sexual activity, adjust my nonverbal affection behaviors, be more direct in my communication, and take the lead in initiating our dates), but I feel like we should chat about these realities since (from what I understand), all Aspies are uniquely and beautifully different.

Any help y'all can offer would be very appreciated!

 

[nyxjord]

My question is: what is the aspie discussion? I'm just not sure what you mean by that... Whether or not we are on it? How it feels to have it? What do you mean? (No mean attitude with my response.. Just genuinely curious because I've never really had this discussion with anyone).

 

[Suzanne]

Wow I LIKE you lol what a SUPERB attitude you have.

The fact that he mentioned it and then speeding forward in his conversation was because he felt he needed to say something but frightened with the come back and so, took a breath and just carried on. I would do the same, which is why I know.

He would REALLY appreciate you bringing the conversation about being an aspie, up! It will be so refreshing to have an nt who is WILLING to discuss it and CHANGE her or his tactics ti fit the aspie.

Do you find he is a literal person? If so, try to realise this and word your sentences to show it is not to be taken literally. There are some hilarious stories about what we do due to taking things literally.

He will learn because that is the difference with aspergic ones and classic autism is that we CAN adapt.

I am beginning at last, to take the initiative. Before I expected my husband to do the thinking for me ie make a plan and then mention it to me, but snag: his memory is poor and mine is good and I have made the error of assuming that his is good, despite KNOWING it isn't and have become disillusioned when he doesn't insist, but finally I am appreciating this and making the first move and am reminding him that in two week's time, we are going to the hire shop for a car, so that I can practice driving.

Seems to me that you have a good grasp on how to communicate etc and that will help him so much. But be careful to not assume he needs "mothering", which would be so easy to do. Our brain is wired differently but we are not ill; we just think in a different way.

If he is also anything like me, he will not initiate touching! My husband always complained that I do not touch him. He can touch me and feel such amazing feelings and yet, I feel nothing! I touch now because I know that is what he likes and I mean: just caressing, which is so weird because I am good at it lol

You couldn't have chosen a better forum that here on aspiecentral.

 

[NTgirl4276]

My question is: what is the aspie discussion? I'm just not sure what you mean by that... Whether or not we are on it? How it feels to have it? What do you mean? (No mean attitude with my response.. Just genuinely curious because I've never really had this discussion with anyone).

thanks for asking for clarification, nyxjord! I mean: since Asperger's seems to manifest differently for each individual person, I'd like to know what his experience has been like. My biggest fear is that I will do something that makes him uncomfortable and I will not even know it.

I should also clarify that it seems that he has been "taught" (for lack of a better word) to behave in certain ways to manage his Asperger's. i.e. he goes out of his way to try to make and maintain eye contact, he will often opt for the "polite" behavior or response over the honest one, etc.

I ultimately want him to be comfortable around me and if Asperger's is something he deals with as a daily part of his life, my hope is that he can share that with me so that I am aware and can be mindful. I don't want him to feel like he has to be "on" around me all the time-- I would imagine that that is incredibly stressful! Of course, I HAVE NO IDEA what the Aspie perspective on this is, which is why I'm so grateful that y'all might be willing to share your thoughts

I hope that makes sense!

 

[NTgirl4276]

Wow I LIKE you lol what a SUPERB attitude you have.

The fact that he mentioned it and then speeding forward in his conversation was because he felt he needed to say something but frightened with the come back and so, took a breath and just carried on. I would do the same, which is why I know.

He would REALLY appreciate you bringing the conversation about being an aspie, up! It will be so refreshing to have an nt who is WILLING to discuss it and CHANGE her or his tactics ti fit the aspie.

Do you find he is a literal person? If so, try to realise this and word your sentences to show it is not to be taken literally. There are some hilarious stories about what we do due to taking things literally.

He will learn because that is the difference with aspergic ones and classic autism is that we CAN adapt.

I am beginning at last, to take the initiative. Before I expected my husband to do the thinking for me ie make a plan and then mention it to me, but snag: his memory is poor and mine is good and I have made the error of assuming that his is good, despite KNOWING it isn't and have become disillusioned when he doesn't insist, but finally I am appreciating this and making the first move and am reminding him that in two week's time, we are going to the hire shop for a car, so that I can practice driving.

Seems to me that you have a good grasp on how to communicate etc and that will help him so much. But be careful to not assume he needs "mothering", which would be so easy to do. Our brain is wired differently but we are not ill; we just think in a different way.

If he is also anything like me, he will not initiate touching! My husband always complained that I do not touch him. He can touch me and feel such amazing feelings and yet, I feel nothing! I touch now because I know that is what he likes and I mean: just caressing, which is so weird because I am good at it lol

You couldn't have chosen a better forum that here on aspiecentral.

Thank you, Suzanne, for your thoughts and your support!!

Your cautionary words about "mothering" are so valid and particularly astute in my case; I tend to be a very nurturing partner and I do need to make sure I avoid that. Because I certainly don't find there to be anything "wrong" with him. He is bright and beautiful and kind and certainly more than self-sufficient. In fact, that is why I am so eager to have a discussion with him because I'm afraid I'm currently generalizing about him based on what I've read and learned about Asperger's, i.e. I've embraced a slower courtship, have pursued him and initiated things for the first time in my life, etc. But I want to make sure I can get to know him and HIS Asperger's rather than potentially "mothering" him based on generalizations.

If anything, making these adjustments has made this dating experience so beautiful. I've learned to slow down and not take anything (like nonverbal expressions of interest, for example) for granted. Somehow a smile from him means more than a smile from all the NT men I've dated; it's as if it's a smile that is meant especially for me. So I'm eager to meet him halfway, so that he doesn't bear the responsibility of adapting to me.

 

[Slithytoves]

Does he respond well to questions about other subjects, or does he seem uncomfortable when "probed" at all? Has he been fairly forthcoming about other personal things on his own?

What was the conversation that promoted his initial, vague disclosure?

You answers to those questions could lead me to modify the following advice. My first thought? Since he did raise the issue on his own, it would be fair to follow up. I personally wouldn't make it a question. I'd make it a comment, something like: "A while ago you mentioned the you're on the spectrum. I'd like to know more about that, sometime."

That lets him know you've been listening and shows interest without pressure. You'd just have to be prepared for him not to be ready to discuss it, maybe for a long time.

You do have an excellent attitude. And you're right, we're all very different -- as different as NTs are from each other. Thanks for recognizing that.

 

[Warmheart]

"You mentioned being on the spectrum...."
"How can I better support your challenges?"
"What would you like me to understand better?
"What are your special interests?" (OMG, our FAVORITE question!!! BRACE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!! )
"What sorts of environments do you feel most comfortable/challenged in?"

There ya go, a few openers.

 

[NTgirl4276]

Does he respond well to questions about other subjects, or does he seem uncomfortable when "probed" at all? Has he been fairly forthcoming about other personal things on his own?

What was the conversation that promoted his initial, vague disclosure?

You answers to those questions could lead me to modify the following advice. My first thought? Since he did raise the issue on his own, it would be fair to follow up. I personally wouldn't make it a question. I'd make it a comment, something like: "A while ago you mentioned the you're on the spectrum. I'd like to know more about that, sometime."

That lets him know you've been listening and shows interest without pressure. You'd just have to be prepared for him not to be ready to discuss it, maybe for a long time.

You do have an excellent attitude. And you're right, we're all very different -- as different as NTs are from each other. Thanks for recognizing that.

thanks for responding, Slithytoves! so far, he has always been very responsive whenever I make conversation with him; I tend to do more of the asking and he tends to do more of the answering when we spend time together, but he usually warms up after 45 minutes or so and begins volunteering information and sharing stories more comfortably. I always enjoy it when we've gotten to the point in a date when he has begun smiling and laughing with ease.

I get the feeling that he appreciates clarity and direct communication because, for example, when I asked early on what his dating situation was (recently single, dating around, not dating much, etc.), he said, "I'm glad you asked, I never would have brought it up but I'm ready to have an open discussion about it."

He has shared personal information with me quite easily when I ask--I've heard about his family, his childhood, education, and we talk a lot about work and his hobbies. He's always quite humble about these things and doesn't go on and on, yet he still checks in, saying things like, "I hope this isn't boring you," which I find so endearing because I always enjoy hearing him talk about his life.

As for the initial disclosure: I was in the kitchen preparing dinner for us (my apartment has an open layout so we can continue to have a conversation, but I couldn't actually see his face during this), and we were talking about his family. He was saying that his sisters have a difficult time dating, and that's when he said, "All of us are on the spectrum. On the high functioning end, obviously, but on the spectrum." By the time I had poked my head out of the kitchen, he had gone on talking about his sister. So I let it pass.

So I'll be curious if that changes your advice at all. I really do appreciate the specific wording that you suggest! That seems open and inviting, rather than threatening. I'm just nervous that I'll give him the impression that I've just been (negatively) dwelling on this for weeks--though that may be my strange NT paranoia, of course.

 

[Slithytoves]

Your answers make me more confident suggesting it's okay to bring it up. The fact that he has siblings on the spectrum as well signals to me that there's probably been fairly good communication about the issue within his family, which could make it easier for him to talk about it with others. Many of us are the only Aspie/Autie in our immediate families and have had mixed experiences with disclosure/discussion partly because of that. Isolation, lack of understanding, etc.

I wouldn't worry too much about him thinking you've been "dwelling" on it. You can easily avoid that by making it clear that you haven't been; that you're just interested to understand more about that part of him because you'r interested in him, period. If he's been very open about the rest of his life, raising the subject doesn't have to be any different from anything else you've asked about. He may well be waiting for you to mention it, uncertain if he should himself.

My own Aspie partner doesn't ask a lot of questions. Similarly, a lot of what he's told me started with a question from my end. He wants to know about me, and wants to tell me about himself, but things usually have to either come up naturally or I have to start the conversation. It's smooth sailing once we start talking. He's the first fellow Aspie I've been involved with (to my knowledge), so I've had a learning curve of my own. Communication with an Aspie/Autie guy just takes some getting used to.

 

[NTgirl4276]

Your answers make me more confident suggesting it's okay to bring it up. The fact that he has siblings on the spectrum as well signals to me that there's probably been fairly good communication about the issue within his family, which could make it easier for him to talk about it with others. Many of us are the only Aspie/Autie in our immediate families and have had mixed experiences with disclosure/discussion partly because of that. Isolation, lack of understanding, etc.

I wouldn't worry too much about him thinking you've been "dwelling" on it. You can easily avoid that by making it clear that you haven't been; that you're just interested to understand more about that part of him because you'r interested in him, period. If he's been very open about the rest of his life, raising the subject doesn't have to be any different from anything else you've asked about. He may well be waiting for you to mention it, uncertain if he should himself.

My own Aspie partner doesn't ask a lot of questions. Similarly, a lot of what he's told me started with a question from my end. He wants to know about me, and wants to tell me about himself, but things usually have to either come up naturally or I have to start the conversation. It's smooth sailing once we start talking. He's the first fellow Aspie I've been involved with (to my knowledge), so I've had a learning curve of my own. Communication with an Aspie/Autie guy just takes some getting used to.

thanks so much for all of your insight and advice! i feel a lot better and more prepared to invite him to share his experiences with me. i'm particularly relieved to hear that AS-AS relationships also have to navigate these communicative dimensions, because i'm moderately nervous that he'll get annoyed with the added obstacles that possibly come along with an NT-AS romantic relationship and just bail entirely.

so thank you so much!

 

[Balkan1996]

People in general love to talk about themselves. Your partner wouldn't be offended in any way. Further more, he would be thriled!