I'll try to break down why I was so upset to see this page on a site for NTs to support each other in their relationships with Aspies.
I read what was written and I think it was a generalization but I also think it is true in most relationships that have this dynamic. It is most definitely a generalization; more than that it feels like a stereotype. You are correct in that each person is an individual.
There are many many books out there about AS individuals and hardly any that explain Neurotypical's to AS individuals. It would be great to be able to understand why NTs behave in a way that is, at least in my opinion as it relates to my NT, quite baffling, egocentric, and condescending. I, for one, am sick of being told that I'm wrong, that I am a boy and not a man, that I have zero common sense, etc., etc. What is the expected outcome of that? Am I supposed to believe everything I'm told? Act like my 90 year-old Father? Perceive and approach problems like other people think I should? I just find these things hateful. If they're not it would be helpful to know.
One problem I have is that when someone describes an AS individual Neurotypical's are suppose to take that as fact and move forward with that information. When an Neurotypical does the same they are constantly questioned by AS individuals as if what they are saying is not fact or true. I think the basic issue is not only communication but also respect. If an Neurotypical takes time to explain what they need then there are obviously 2 choices. Then AS can take it as fact and do what they need or dont do it and end the relationship. this is one of those things that frustrates and confuses me. No offense, Ma'am, but let me tell you what I see in this.
Aspies, if you agree, help me explain if I don't do a good job. What I read in your comment says that you feel that you're supposed to take a summary of AS behaviors as a fact and accept that summary as who your Aspie is and that negative behavior from the list should be ascribed to AS. Then I see that you feel an NT needs to communicate their needs to the Aspie who can then accept everything they are told as a fact. There are two choices now for the Aspie: to accept what the NT said as a fact and meet her needs or not accept the list as fact and leave the relationship. I'm pretty sure I did a decent job of restating what you said.
If it is true that you took a synopsis of AS and used it as a map of sorts, you did both of you a disservice. No one will match your synopsis. You have to talk with the Aspie to find out his feelings about all the areas that may be a problem. Only when you've done that will you know what you're dealing with.
Why do you say that the Aspie needs to take your list of needs as fact? This is something that I personally take issue with, that is to say, a person relaying feelings as facts (This can take the form of "you are x, you do x, you think x".) When NTs do this, if the Aspie feels that the fact you stated is inaccurate he will tell you so. It may then happen that the NT's response is something similar to "Don't try to invalidate my feelings! They're mine and I'm entitled to them!" If other Aspies are like me this is very frustrating. Facts are facts and can be disputed. Feelings come from emotion and can only be changed if they were caused by misunderstanding or if circumstances that generated the feelings are changed. A statement of feeling should be started with "I feel..." A person has to own his or her feelings. By the way, this helps clear things up for the Aspie. Okay, back to the point.
Just like you can't begin to understand what goes on in the mind of a person with AS until you explore it, neither can you expect the Aspie to make heads or tails of your requests unless they're discussed and made as specific as possible. This may feel artificial to you, but if someone can't grasp a concept, it is unreasonable to expect him to know what kinds of actions will be meaningful to you. It is as though you are discussing changing the paint scheme in your home and you ask your friend his opinion about whether two certain colors complement one another, but this guy is totally color blind. He doesn't understand color, so he will never be able to answer the question. You can educate him so he can roughly match a certain shade of gray to what you tell him is red, but he'll never be able to discriminate between all the different shades of red much less be able to describe to you what he sees.
If as you say you can accept an explanation for behavior and are willing to honor a request such as "please get my attention and let me shift my focus" when you need to be heard, you are a rare breed. Do you have a sister who is just like you? I'm always willing to trade up
Working on a relationship is very much a two-way affair. If you have been led to believe that you're supposed to make all the concessions, you have been misled. There is a school of thought that the Aspies, being deficient, are the ones who need to learn how to act normally so as not to behave in a conspicuous manner. Both those approaches are wrong, unfair to one person or another, and are doomed to fail.
I can't get past when you said above that if we meet an NT we like, we should just accept what they say and do it. If you met a man that you liked would you just accept whatever he said and change yourself? I doubt it. I would say that a person who does that probably suffers from some condition not mentioned in this forum. The person who expects change just by requesting it likely needs therapy also.
