How Do You Stop Caring What People Think?

[OddlyGodly]

For most of my life I have been very aware of my awkwardness and my inability to fit in which at first led to terrible decisions but has, of course, also lead to my diagnosis.

I feel better about who I am and most people in my life that matter know I'm autistic and most had speculated even before I knew what autism was.

I got my diagnosis at 30 even though I had suspicions in my early 20's but old habits die hard. I am sometimes crippled by what others think and I'm terrified about not fitting in.

I critique every conversation I have and make note of every flaw in my delivery or reception which is bad enough but I also still get embarrassed about conversations and things I've done as far back as kindergarten (see previous paragraphs to note that I'm in my 30's. Or just read this bracketed sentence.)

I used to resent people who were just Laissez Faire about everything and those who could be different and embrace it and even thrive on it. If I'm honest I still kind of do. This is only because I have always wanted to just be fine with being me regardless of what others think.

Sorry for the unbearably long description but I wanted to present the entire situation in detail. Does anyone have any clarity on this and how did you find it?

 

[Misery]

Well, here's a question: WHY do you care what others think?

Is there a particular reason?

 

[NDR2]

If you’ve been embarrassed by people’s reactions or comments, or been laughed at by them, like I have throughout my life, it’s hard not to care. But I’m working on trying not to care.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I was that way until I realized that their views of me just created confusion and pain because I was practicing confirmation bias and only hearing the negative. When I broke out of my self imposed cage, and especially now, dealing with lies I told myself, I no longer care about what others think because; I will not deliberately hurt anybody, I know I make mistakes and will ask forgiveness, I am confident in my inner ethical compass.

 

[Slime_Punk]

I can only speak from personal experience, but I've got all of those things as a part of my social anxiety / social phobia diagnosis. If you've got something like that (which I'm hoping you don't), it's a whole ball of wax.

'Not caring about what people think about you' is what a psychopath does, just to put that in perspective. It's OK to care a little bit, but obviously it's a problem when it becomes a phobia and starts ruining your life.

 

[Storm Hess]

I don't care what people think. I can only be me...doesn't matter if others accept that or not.

 

[YabbaDabba]

I struggle with this too. I think a negative self image is a big part of it. Recently I’ve become much better at this. I can’t find the words to explain why right now.

 

[OddlyGodly]

Well, here's a question: WHY do you care what others think?

Is there a particular reason?

I'm not completely sure but if I had to guess it would be that growing up I didn't have the most nurturing childhood. Often in every setting I was in being different meant physical pain and/or loneliness and alienation.

I also have a hard time distinguishing between someone being friendly and someone being my friend. I therefore sometimes consider people who are either merely acquaintances or even so-called two-faced as good friends.

This has sometimes lead to embarrassment and even feelings of betrayal but I guess I have never thought about why I care just how can I regulate how much I care so this was an insightful question. Thank you.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I guess it's different for everyone. As you get older, each situation that used to bother one's self happens so regularly that one stops caring what other people think about it.

One day, you'll be cutely wrinkled, and wearing a pair of Depends. And all you'll care about is seeing your grandbabies.

 

[Lysholm]

When I was young I tried to appease everyone. Eventually I had to face I couldn't please most no matter how hard I tried, so I just stopped trying. Nowadays I realize that fully half or more people I run across will screw with me if they identify a weakness, so appeasing them is just playing a stupid game.

I want to emphasize that last one because people who are socially astute learn how to manipulate people. Usually they don't consciously realize they are doing this, it's just so common for them they feel it's normal discourse. If you find someone is upset with you or asking for unreasonable things, yet you cannot identify the logic for it, they're probably effing with you for a myriad of selfish reasons. Again, most people aren't consciously aware they are doing this, so calling them on it does no good.

Odds are if someone is making you feel bad they are going out of their way to do it, and you shouldn't take this as an accurate assessment of your behavior or character. It's inaccurate feedback.

 

[Luca]

I definitely appear fairly self-assured, and like I have an attitude, to most people but I really struggle not to care what others think of me and I'm kind of insecure and anxious about a lot of things. I do suffer from chronic anxiety.
I also have social anxiety and I'm afraid of being humiliated, made fun of, bullied, or laughed at, since those are things that have been happening for my entire life.
One of the things that has helped me a little bit is putting into perspective that if someone is being a jerk or a bully to me while I'm just living my life and minding my own business, then they're the asshole, not me.
I also go out of my way to avoid interacting with strangers for the most part but that might not be the best advice.

I think most people actually care what others think of them on some level. Some people just struggle with social anxiety and self-image more than others do. If you are a victim of bullying or abuse, or suffer from an anxiety disorder or PTSD, it's even harder to let go of feelings like this.
I do like who I am as a person (mostly) and I do like being an individual, and not every single person has to like me or want to be my friend. I had to learn that the hard way growing up and work really hard to not be a chronic people pleaser, which is what happens to a lot of people who have experienced physical and verbal abuse from an authority figure. For a long time, saying "yes" to everything and not being assertive was the only way I would be left alone. Now I am more assertive and slightly more brave, and less insecure. But I sometimes do still worry about whether people like me or not or if they're going to hurt me.
Just be you, and the people who are going to like you will like you, and the people who aren't going to like you just won't. And that's okay. Not everyone has to be everyone's best friend. There are plenty of people who don't like me and I just choose not to interact with them.

 

[SusanLR]

It always depended on the reason I wanted people to like me.
When you are younger, there are reasons like school and jobs that you need to find people who want you and what they think about you.

As I got older and secure in my position in life, it didn't really matter on a personal level. That's just my personality, I guess.
It just was not a concern that bothered me.

And as @Yeshuasdaughter put it, the time will come when all the needs for bosses
or authority figures won't count. When you get too old and are retired, sitting in the old folk's home.
If you had personal relationships through your life, then yeah, your family will matter.
I'm getting up there in years and have no family.
So, the only reason I care now about a few thinking well of me is because I don't like the loneliness of total isolation.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Sorry for the unbearably long description but I wanted to present the entire situation in detail. Does anyone have any clarity on this and how did you find it?

It is definitely hard not to care, since we all need some kind of connection and validation. And much of what is natural and harmless with Autistics gets treated as wrong or pathological by people who don't try to understand. So that is very disorienting.

I would guess the solution comes more from caring what you think of yourself and situation, instead of trying not to care what others think. Listening to the "inner ethical compass," as @Gerald Wilgus put it. If we focus on others' reactions, then we run around trying to avoid punishment. But, if we can value our thoughts and feelings and reflect on them, then I think it's easier to learn how to deal with other people's opinions. We can more easily dismiss the hateful, or accept disappointing others as a necessary evil, etc. We have to remember to hear the confirmation in ourselves, and not always look for it from others.

 

[Owliet]

For most of my life I have been very aware of my awkwardness and my inability to fit in which at first led to terrible decisions but has, of course, also lead to my diagnosis.

I feel better about who I am and most people in my life that matter know I'm autistic and most had speculated even before I knew what autism was.

I got my diagnosis at 30 even though I had suspicions in my early 20's but old habits die hard. I am sometimes crippled by what others think and I'm terrified about not fitting in.

I critique every conversation I have and make note of every flaw in my delivery or reception which is bad enough but I also still get embarrassed about conversations and things I've done as far back as kindergarten (see previous paragraphs to note that I'm in my 30's. Or just read this bracketed sentence.)

I used to resent people who were just Laissez Faire about everything and those who could be different and embrace it and even thrive on it. If I'm honest I still kind of do. This is only because I have always wanted to just be fine with being me regardless of what others think.

Sorry for the unbearably long description but I wanted to present the entire situation in detail. Does anyone have any clarity on this and how did you find it?

I have a negative self image of myself. I really lack confidence and I am also very aware of my shortcomings and my inability to interact successfully with people. I know that I have not attained much of what others have attained in their lives at my age (I am 32). I was also diagnosed as a teenager, and i guess maybe growing up and having a parent who would find many opportunities even before I was diagnosed to call me derogatory things like r*****, m****, and copy everything I said or did with exaggeration, plus also being bullied in school, i guess maybe its not really a surprise that I have this negativity about myself and always process everything i have done to the point that I loop around to see If something i had done could have been changed or something. I tell myself a lot of hatefilled hurtful things that are probably not true but i perceive them to be true. This person hates me because of this….I dont deserve friendship….they got rid of Me because I was bad at my job (when thats really not true at all…nothing is). Yet, I dont see it as such and I am fighting very hard to turn my thoughts into positives. But my confidence is awfully low.

I have started to embrace some form of eccentricity but I do think that I am playing a role and I will never fully be comfortable as who I am. WHen people tell me good things, I dont believe them.

I also have a hard time distinguishing between someone being friendly and someone being my friend. I therefore sometimes consider people who are either merely acquaintances or even so-called two-faced as good friends.

I have had a similar problem with this. When I was younger, it really used to concern my grandparent’s friends that I would be Always thinking someone who was nice = a friend. I tend to take someone being friendly and nice as someone who is a friend and when they are not what they appear to be as such, and i get backstabbed because thats usually how it goes, i tend to take it more as a betrayal and be deeply hurt by it. I had this with a former work colleague and now, I am very aware of how easily I can fall into this. And that also messes with my confidence.

 

[Jordy]

Be reborn as an animal from a species that is not socal.

 

[AprilR]

Try to see think of yourself as someone else. If you are not someone who is actively trying to make someone uncomfortable or hurt them, there is no need to hate yourself. Be your own parent/nurturer just like you would help and nurture someone else.

 

[Rodafina]

Be reborn as an animal from a species that is not socal.

Do you have an animal you wish you could be?

I would like to be a snow leopard.

 

[Judge]

Seriously- old age does wonders. You get to a point in life where hopefully you are retired, self-sufficient and no longer depend on a consensus of people as to whether they like you or not. Where things like social dynamics and office politics no longer have the impact they once appeared to have in the years gone by.

Though I still find myself masking my traits and behaviors to direct relatives. Only to "keep the peace" and nothing more. That much will probably never change. My bad.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I got buffeted around much of my life, trying to please people and figure out the right thing to do. There was a lot of confusion about the latter; so many different opinions of what is right.

At some point I realized I needed a moral compass, for lack of a better word. And was surprised to realize I did not have one.

Once I had the moral compass in place, I was more confident in my choices and actions and less concerned of what others thought.

 

[Sherlock77]

I have never fit in all that well and have never really worried about it... I do have a few friends still...

I'm 50 now, Aspergers/Autism never even occured to me until six years ago... But throughout my life I have always just been myself...

Myself is a fairly quirky person I suppose, in appearance I always wear a fedora or cowboy hat just because I like it... And I don't care that much what other people think

I am into the creative arts scene and have been for many years, creative people tend to be quirky quite often and I think more accepting of people who are slightly different

I have just always been a little different, and rarely cared about it and have rarely let it bother me... Don't know if that answers your question... I'm not sure I know the answer of why I am this way...