How do I deal with Anxiety and very low self esteem?

[Ephraim Becker]

I'm very annoyed that the people that have completely different interests than me are interested in me and the people that I find interesting and have the same interests as me are not interested in me at all. I was very interested in Computer Programming, but all the Computer Programming forums that I have been to are keep on getting annoyed with me and telling me how bad I am at Computer Programming and that it's not for me. Every second, bad things get into my head and I can't stop thinking of them. Meanwhile, my Father thinks that i'm very good at Computer Programming and wants me to take a Linux course on edX. I'm having a very difficult time doing that course because I have very low self esteem and feel like getting back at my enemies instead by making obnoxious pictures of them.

Last summer in camp, I badly wanted to know if there were people that act like me because if they act like me, then they would understand me. I decided that the only way to figure this out is to look at other peoples medications when the nurse is giving them out at meals. Another camper found out about it and started being mean to me. I had enough of that camper being mean to me that I punched him in the face. My Division Head found out about what I did and screamed at me and enforced 2 counselors to watch me 24/7. It's already 5 months since camp ended and i'm keep on having bad thoughts about my Division Head every day. In fact, it's getting worse and worse.

I don't know what to do. Every person that I find interesting and important to me isn't interested in me at all and the other people that are interested in something i'm not interested in at all is interested in me. This doesn't make any sense at all. I'm very interested in computers and the latest tech gadgets, but everyday, I keep on feeling that Computer Programming isn't for me.

What should I do?

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

Ask them why they think you're unsuitable for it. I know the feeling only too well; not with that, but in the workplace where I thought I was doing well, or had at least improved, only to be told otherwise. It's horrible, and so demoralising.

They may be right and it will never be more than a hobby for you; it could be down to something you're unaware of, you may need to keep up to date more, or change something else in the way you do things. But if you don't ask, you won't know, and won't be able to change, or accept the situation and move onto something else.

As for people being interested in you, accept the friendships. It doesn't matter that you don't seem to have anything in common, they accept you as you are, and that's a big, big plus.

As for the others, do you tend to only talk about the common interests at the exclusion of anything else? If so, do let them talk about other things; just because you and somebody else have something in common, it doesn't mean that's all you have to talk about. I know it's hard when you want to talk about something and the other person doesn't, but do try not to bore others with repetition or coming back to the same subject time and again - and I'm preaching to myself when saying this.

 

[Suzanne]

Before I answer, there is something that you should be proud about and that is, that you paid attention when it was mentioned that your "wall" of text was too much and you need to paragraph sentances and guess what? You have done so here and so, really well done for not getting angry ( at least I do not think you have), when we pointed out.

I feel like you in many ways. What you are "voicing" is often what I thought. The amount of times someone has been "mentally" on the floor, nursing a bruise, because of how horribly insenitive they were to me. So in my mind"s eye, I was punching them.

Yes, yes, and yes again, to people who have same interests, but do not seem to like you etc; oh boy, it is bizarre, but what I find is it becomes COMPETITION with them. I am very good at cross stitching ( I do apologise for sounding so arrogant) and I know of someone else who is too and yet, she is so nasty! She actually picked up one of my pieces and was scrutinizing it and so, I asked her why and she said: I am looking for errors and I said: did you find any? Oh yes, thankfully; that makes me feel better now! I kept thinking: why, oh why be so cruel?

As for your computing. I am a touch typist and type fast, which gets my husband saying that I really ought to get a job, because I am so good. I know, however, that I could not get a typing job and the reason is, because I would not be relaxed and hate people looking over my shoulder! Even when I have played around with downloading a typing speed test, I suddenly cannot type at all!

The fact that you are very able to think things through and discern actions, means that you can also talk yourself into different ways of looking at things.

I remember when I went to this summer camp; I was about 13. We were warned that another student was joining us, who had just had an operation and so, is really unsteady on her feet. It shocked me, because despite this, she was HORRIBLE; she actually manipulated her situation and one time, she was being downright cruel to me, to the extent that I tried to get away from her, but in my attempt, she deliberately put her bad leg in front of me and so, to gain my balance she ended up falling on the floor and started crying and shouting how evil I was when I knew that she had just come out of hospital! A teacher immediately arrived and grabbed hold of my arm and marched me out of the room and said: I am disgusted with how you treated this poor girl and now, for your crime, you stay along in this room and will starve for the rest of the day and night! I went into surreal mode. But some time later, another teacher arrived and said that she saw what had happened and knew it was not my fault and that she told the other teacher, who said that I could be "released". I think that this teacher also brought me some food.

That student became my enemy and I dreaded seeing her. And the reason is because I just wanted it all to be normal and her to stop picking on me and not figuring out why she was like this?! I see now, it is because I was not a bad child and she realised that I was different and so manipulated me, basically. Why, I got told that I was the most well behaved child in school!

Although my adult life, I have not been able to cope with people slamming me and do go into surreal mode, because my personality is one of kindness and gentleness and laughing; not the opposite.

 

[dave_at_edi]

..."Every second, bad things get into my head and I can't stop thinking of them."...

This is a huge problem that you are going to have to learn to deal with. Until you learn to deal with it, you will feel constantly under attack and your stress and anxiety levels will be high.

No drugs can cure this. The best they can do is take some of the edge off.

First, you must grok that you are in charge of making up those bad thoughts, no one else. Really understand that: you make them up, in response to something that has happened to you. Yes, they are real, and you made them up. It's OK, everyone does this, all the time, both good and bad thoughts.

Next, when a bad thought pops into your wetware, examine it objectively. "Oh, look at that thought. I feel [xxx]." Acknowledge how you feel. Look at the thought itself, not what caused it.

Discard the bad thought. Yes, discard it, since you created it. Focus your concentration on something else, and keep your focus on that, coming back to the something else if the bad thought pops up again. Your mind cannot focus on two things at once. Choose.

IF bad_thought > 0 {bad_thought = 0; create_good_thought(); }

This process is called executive control. You determine what you will focus on, and do so. Some people are very skilled in this, and can compartmentalize, separating things so that one upset doesn't cripple them entirely.

Honestly, this isn't easy to learn to do on your own; a therapist can help you to learn this coping skill. Once you learn it, you can minimize or eliminate what you now feel are attacks on you.

 

[Grandmother B]

I'm very annoyed that the people that have completely different interests than me are interested in me and the people that I find interesting and have the same interests as me are not interested in me at all. I was very interested in Computer Programming, but all the Computer Programming forums that I have been to are keep on getting annoyed with me and telling me how bad I am at Computer Programming and that it's not for me. Every second, bad things get into my head and I can't stop thinking of them. Meanwhile, my Father thinks that i'm very good at Computer Programming and wants me to take a Linux course on edX. I'm having a very difficult time doing that course because I have very low self esteem and feel like getting back at my enemies instead by making obnoxious pictures of them.

Last summer in camp, I badly wanted to know if there were people that act like me because if they act like me, then they would understand me. I decided that the only way to figure this out is to look at other peoples medications when the nurse is giving them out at meals. Another camper found out about it and started being mean to me. I had enough of that camper being mean to me that I punched him in the face. My Division Head found out about what I did and screamed at me and enforced 2 counselors to watch me 24/7. It's already 5 months since camp ended and i'm keep on having bad thoughts about my Division Head every day. In fact, it's getting worse and worse.

I don't know what to do. Every person that I find interesting and important to me isn't interested in me at all and the other people that are interested in something i'm not interested in at all is interested in me. This doesn't make any sense at all. I'm very interested in computers and the latest tech gadgets, but everyday, I keep on feeling that Computer Programming isn't for me.

What should I do?

First of all, don't pay any attention to people who are not computer teachers. Second of all, go to www.aspergerexperts.com and see if they have some ideas you can use. I'll bet they do. They have Asperger's themselves and know all about the things that bother you. Good luck to you! And never give up on your dreams; by all means take that computer course!

 

[Judge]

Perhaps most importantly, you need to decide what subjects are important to you, regardless of whether others relate to you or it in the process.

It's nice to be able to share a special interest, but the reality tends to be more often than not that this simply doesn't happen. That in the NT world people either don't relate to such interests in whole or in part, and certainly not at the intensity someone on the spectrum of autism is likely to experience.

Find a passion and pursue it, no matter what anyone else thinks. You may discover that it makes you happier far more than any person around you.

And if programming and software aren't "your thing", what about hardware? Have you ever attempted to build a PC or service or modify them? You might find that to be enjoyable. I've been building my own computers since the late 80s.