LaurenP
Member
My name is Lauren, I am 32 years old and just recently have been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (aspergers had it come pre 2013).
I am trying really hard to understand my diagnosis so I can be a better human being. I think my introduction should maybe be the scenario in which my diagnosis came about.
In August of 2013 I started a new relationship that was uber intense. I truly believed I met the woman I am to be with forever(still do). In December of the same year I was offered a new job in a new city 5 hrs away.
For the first time in my life I moved away from home and took my love with me. Between the extremely stressful new job, new city and new relationship I found myself in what I now know is "autistic burnout". I began melting everyday with my girlfriend being the only person around me, taking all of the abuse. I hadn't acted like this since I was a child. I had random meltdowns sure, but definitely never two days in a row, much less everyday for months.
It got to a point that we had to seek out help. Insert aspie diagnosis.
In November of this past year we decided to come home due to both my mental health and my girlfriends physical health (US combat vet with several physical issues). No job was worth it.
Coming home was a great decision and for the first few months there weren't any meltdowns. We have been able to learn and put our knowledge in to action. We are making progress but there are still issues.
My girlfriend recently joined this group and recommended I do the same. Admittedly, I was momentarily upset, but I stayed calm and read a little. Now, here I am.
Sarah, my girlfriend, is working really hard to be understanding. She is eager to learn and easy to talk to. She is super forgiving and loving. This can be difficult for me after a meltdown. It seems I beat myself up for my actions and feel extremely unworthy. But in the same breath I sometimes get extremely annoyed by how she handles me. I often feel misunderstood. But I feel I have explained myself to death. So when meltdown is approaching and she doesn't handle things as I have asked, I get furious. Nothing she is doing is harmful, nor ill intentioned.
Another struggle we are having is with intimacy. We are close in the sense that we talk about everything. But I have some problems with the physical aspect of relationships. Of course as an aspie, I have had issues with people touching me my entire life. Personally, I think it's weird. But to add to that, I spent a decade as a stripper. I had to be drunk to do the job and find that the only thing I know about sexuality was learned in a strip club.
When alcohol has been involved in my life, sexuality came easy. However, I no longer drink.
So it's just uncomfortable. If I can get "out of my head" I love it. But I usually can't. My partner needs this aspect of our relationship to feel desired. I want to give that to her, but don't know how.
I have a lot more in my mind that I need help disecting, but that's the short I why I am here. So hello, and thank you for any guidance and/or support.
I am trying really hard to understand my diagnosis so I can be a better human being. I think my introduction should maybe be the scenario in which my diagnosis came about.
In August of 2013 I started a new relationship that was uber intense. I truly believed I met the woman I am to be with forever(still do). In December of the same year I was offered a new job in a new city 5 hrs away.
For the first time in my life I moved away from home and took my love with me. Between the extremely stressful new job, new city and new relationship I found myself in what I now know is "autistic burnout". I began melting everyday with my girlfriend being the only person around me, taking all of the abuse. I hadn't acted like this since I was a child. I had random meltdowns sure, but definitely never two days in a row, much less everyday for months.
It got to a point that we had to seek out help. Insert aspie diagnosis.
In November of this past year we decided to come home due to both my mental health and my girlfriends physical health (US combat vet with several physical issues). No job was worth it.
Coming home was a great decision and for the first few months there weren't any meltdowns. We have been able to learn and put our knowledge in to action. We are making progress but there are still issues.
My girlfriend recently joined this group and recommended I do the same. Admittedly, I was momentarily upset, but I stayed calm and read a little. Now, here I am.
Sarah, my girlfriend, is working really hard to be understanding. She is eager to learn and easy to talk to. She is super forgiving and loving. This can be difficult for me after a meltdown. It seems I beat myself up for my actions and feel extremely unworthy. But in the same breath I sometimes get extremely annoyed by how she handles me. I often feel misunderstood. But I feel I have explained myself to death. So when meltdown is approaching and she doesn't handle things as I have asked, I get furious. Nothing she is doing is harmful, nor ill intentioned.
Another struggle we are having is with intimacy. We are close in the sense that we talk about everything. But I have some problems with the physical aspect of relationships. Of course as an aspie, I have had issues with people touching me my entire life. Personally, I think it's weird. But to add to that, I spent a decade as a stripper. I had to be drunk to do the job and find that the only thing I know about sexuality was learned in a strip club.
When alcohol has been involved in my life, sexuality came easy. However, I no longer drink.
So it's just uncomfortable. If I can get "out of my head" I love it. But I usually can't. My partner needs this aspect of our relationship to feel desired. I want to give that to her, but don't know how.
I have a lot more in my mind that I need help disecting, but that's the short I why I am here. So hello, and thank you for any guidance and/or support.
