Hello!
I have suspected that I am on the spectrum for years now. I once saw a psychiatrist and he said that my language skills were too well developed and IQ was too high, and concluded that I wasn't. However, all my own (admittedly limited) research suggests that I have Aspergers. So I've come here in the hope of gaining more insight from those who really know about it.
I identify strongly with almost all the descriptions I've read from people who have Aspergers. I've suffered extreme social anxiety my whole life and learnt all sorts of harmful ways of coping. I have also had depression for most of my life and spent seven years on meds. Have seen various therapists and counsellors and learnt more healthy ways of coping. Now I am thirty one and have achieved really a lot in the last few years when I was at rock bottom. I am just about to sit my finals for a philosophy degree which I have been doing part-time whilst working full-time for the last four years. I expected this concerted effort to build a life for myself to yield some kind of benefits, but apart from a more finely tuned philosophical logic, I feel that absolutely nothing has changed and I've learnt nothing at all about the things that still trouble me so deeply, i.e., interacting with others.
I believe that unless people are explicit about what they think, feel and want, that I not only have no way of knowing, but would be foolish to presume one way or the other. I often suspect and imagine what they really are thinking or feeling, but hardly ever find such thoughts seriously compelling enough to motivate me into action. The other thing is that I have not the faintest idea where I stand with people. I have to reassess this constantly, as if I have to solve a new puzzle after every interaction. I have some friends and acquaintances, whose relationship to me is mysterious still after several years.
I was always the weird kid. I started voluntarily speaking backwards at about the age of eight and also made up my own language. I found ways of making friends by being sort of the class clown. But I always preferred being alone in my own world. I had obsessive interests, like these bubblegum cards I collected. I used to spend hours just looking at them and shuffling them. I remember waking up excited and jumping out of bed to go and look at them. If I lost or tore one it could throw me into a depression that lasted a couple of days.
These days I am pretty much a recluse. Social situations are too stressful and I've spent too much time alone now. My head is full of kind of feedback - I still repeat words and sentences backwards and shuffle the letters around, or count pigeons - general stuff like that - all the time in my mind. When I have bad anxiety attacks I get a song (usually the last one I heard) playing so loud on repeat in my head and nothing I do can make it stop.
Well, I could go on describing symptoms, but I am interested to hear from anyone who might be able to offer their perspective. Do you think I have aspergers? Do you recognise typical symptoms of some other disorder, or perhaps it sounds as if I have just had depression too long?
Any help much appreciated. Thanks!
I have suspected that I am on the spectrum for years now. I once saw a psychiatrist and he said that my language skills were too well developed and IQ was too high, and concluded that I wasn't. However, all my own (admittedly limited) research suggests that I have Aspergers. So I've come here in the hope of gaining more insight from those who really know about it.
I identify strongly with almost all the descriptions I've read from people who have Aspergers. I've suffered extreme social anxiety my whole life and learnt all sorts of harmful ways of coping. I have also had depression for most of my life and spent seven years on meds. Have seen various therapists and counsellors and learnt more healthy ways of coping. Now I am thirty one and have achieved really a lot in the last few years when I was at rock bottom. I am just about to sit my finals for a philosophy degree which I have been doing part-time whilst working full-time for the last four years. I expected this concerted effort to build a life for myself to yield some kind of benefits, but apart from a more finely tuned philosophical logic, I feel that absolutely nothing has changed and I've learnt nothing at all about the things that still trouble me so deeply, i.e., interacting with others.
I believe that unless people are explicit about what they think, feel and want, that I not only have no way of knowing, but would be foolish to presume one way or the other. I often suspect and imagine what they really are thinking or feeling, but hardly ever find such thoughts seriously compelling enough to motivate me into action. The other thing is that I have not the faintest idea where I stand with people. I have to reassess this constantly, as if I have to solve a new puzzle after every interaction. I have some friends and acquaintances, whose relationship to me is mysterious still after several years.
I was always the weird kid. I started voluntarily speaking backwards at about the age of eight and also made up my own language. I found ways of making friends by being sort of the class clown. But I always preferred being alone in my own world. I had obsessive interests, like these bubblegum cards I collected. I used to spend hours just looking at them and shuffling them. I remember waking up excited and jumping out of bed to go and look at them. If I lost or tore one it could throw me into a depression that lasted a couple of days.
These days I am pretty much a recluse. Social situations are too stressful and I've spent too much time alone now. My head is full of kind of feedback - I still repeat words and sentences backwards and shuffle the letters around, or count pigeons - general stuff like that - all the time in my mind. When I have bad anxiety attacks I get a song (usually the last one I heard) playing so loud on repeat in my head and nothing I do can make it stop.
Well, I could go on describing symptoms, but I am interested to hear from anyone who might be able to offer their perspective. Do you think I have aspergers? Do you recognise typical symptoms of some other disorder, or perhaps it sounds as if I have just had depression too long?
Any help much appreciated. Thanks!
