Have you ever had a person as a special interest?

[Ellylldan]

Hmm..not entirely sure what you mean but love has many forms, friendship can reach high levels on the love meter, am not referring to romantic love. I think the state of ones social life, or the lack thereof can affect the value placed on who you love too. My first cat Pooky came along just as my life fell in on me. My family had sabotaged my efforts to court a nice girl who was now a doctor, that I knew from childhood. And I ended up getting 2 heart attacks from DVT blood clot in my leg from my doomed sailing trip to see her. So I was generally hating the whole world when Pooky my first cat came along to keep me company. So when Pooky died of feline leukemia I nearly died my self. But I doubt I would feel that level of loss with my new cats as I'm far less socially isolated now. My point being isolation may increase feelings of loss as you have less other sources of love to fall back on, whether it was romantic, a friend, family member, or a pet. Perhaps Jad is right the only way to shorten grief is to find some one new to love. Too much invested in one person could be a sign your social circle is too small.

I understand what you are saying about isolation. Well, I do have a very small social circle, but I don't usually get overly attached to people like that, I always need my space. And I think here it's like with any other special interest: we don't choose it consciously, we just get obsessed with something and we can't quit it before the obsession runs its course (at least with me it's like this), only in this case it is a person.

With this friend of mine, I felt a very deep connection the first day I met him, I felt like I have been known him for years, I was able to talk to him right away without any problem. (Usually it takes for me a lot of time to get used to a person before I can feel at least a little comfortable, with very rare exceptions.) It was so unusual for me that I started overthinking it and I guess there the obsession has started.. Back then I didn't know about Asperger's, didn't know about "special interests", I just was scared by intensity of an obsession with a person, afraid to screw up my marriage at last, I mean, I love my husband! Funny part of it is that he (my husband) totally saw what was going on (I am not able to hide my emotions at all), and he was able to understand that I wasn't trying to cheat on him, hehe. I think he subconsciously figured out my probable being Aspie even before I did and he was very supportive.

I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain and even heart attacks... And I'm sorry for Pooky. Hug. I hope you have good friends (human and not) that make you feel better in hard times.

 

[Ste11aeres]

(responding to title of thread) Yes.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="Ellylldan, we don't choose it consciously, we just get obsessed with something and we can't quit it before the obsession runs its course (at least with me it's like this), only in this case it is a person.
With this friend of mine, I felt a very deep connection the first day I met him, I felt like I have been known him for years, I was able to talk to him right away without any problem. (Usually it takes for me a lot of time to get used to a person before I can feel at least a little comfortable, with very rare exceptions.) It was so unusual for me that I started overthinking it and I guess there the obsession has started..
I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain and even heart attacks... And I'm sorry for Pooky. Hug. I hope you have good friends (human and not) that make you feel better in hard times. [/QUOTE]

Oh thank you Ellylldan I'm actually doing quite well presently and I am working on self improvement and expanding my life. I was trying to say in a nice way that sometimes the aspie hermit thing can make things happen that may look similar to OCD. I have a brother with OCD and 2 real stalkers so I am familiar with what it looks like and wouldn't want to rush to put you or Effy in that camp. The mind can do strange things sometimes when there is a unfilled need there was a lady at church I clicked with, her personality was like a soft fuzzy blanket against my auti side. I was not sweet on her, but being around her was like sitting next to the fireplace. I finally had to cut her off because of other people couldn't handle it. I try to be more careful now on the male, married female friend thing, but it makes things harder for me as I don't do as well with men, and the single girls all disappear in the cities.

 

[ThatSkyWing]

I've only ever had fictional people as special interests, I've never been interested in people in real life.

 

[Cecile]

Thank you, Maelstrom I have to specify, it wasn't a romantic thing, it was a very intense obsession with a long distance friend that I met only once in real life and felt immediately a deep connection to.. At one point I maybe even confused it with being in love but it wasn't, but it caused me a major distress. I mean, I do love that person very deeply, and now that obsession is no more there, I feel liberated and it's just a very quiet and pure love like for a brother. Still, it took really a lot from me, that obsession was quite consuming and it left a big empty hole inside that I will need to fill somehow.

That's interesting. I think I have been "the object" of exactly this: a sort of "special interest" instead of a "love interest". I guess it makes sense that if one doesn't know (or doesn't admit to himself) that he is an aspie, he also doesn't know/admit/understand that he has "special interests" in the first place... So if he feels "interest" for a person, he thinks "hey, we should probably date". (Cannot actually feel attraction, affection, love so breaks up, but still feels the need to satisfy his "sort of obsession", so gets back together... I'll stop there. )

 

[Ellylldan]

I finally had to cut her off because of other people couldn't handle it.

This! It can be really frustrating when we often can't be ourselves because society views it in a wrong way. If they only could see it the way we see it!

 

[Ellylldan]

I guess it makes sense that if one doesn't know (or doesn't admit to himself) that he is an aspie, he also doesn't know/admit/understand that he has "special interests" in the first place... So if he feels "interest" for a person, he thinks "hey, we should probably date".

Yes, this is a confusing part. I didn't know about Asperger's, well, I still can't be sure as I'm not officially diagnosed.. Well, I just wanted to talk to the guy all the time, we have a lot of interests in common, but nothing more was going on. Still, being married, I felt that the situation was out of the ordinary and it was causing me a great distress.
Actually, I wasn't too invasive towards my friend though (at least I really hope so), I tried really hard to "hold my horses", I was afraid to be too much and felt anxiety a lot but for him I was just my usual awkward self, hehe. As for me, the hardest part of this obsession was my overthinking and worries that I could have bothered him too much and things like that. And I felt like apologising all the time, thankfully he is a nice person and he accepted me as his quirky friend, even if we don't talk that often. Now, that I know about Asperger's, I understood a lot about myself and I'm trying to adjust my life according to this knowledge.

I hope your experience of being "the object" of an obsession wasn't too hard. Hug.

 

[Maelstrom]

This! It can be really frustrating when we often can't be ourselves because society views it in a wrong way. If they only could see it the way we see it!

Hi Ellylldan I know what you mean the endless self questioning, is this too much, is this too little, do I need to pull back, do I need to move forward, will this be miss read, which way will it be miss read. My head hurts I need to go currel up in a corner and hide...a day in the life of a aspie. So when we finally find someone we can, (just be with), AAAH! we want to stretch out on a towel next to them like it was the first day of warm spring sunshine and soak it in. But we all know how this usually ends they freak out and we get to be weird again. Sigh! the cruel cycle of aspie life, and we pray and swear that we will, (remember), not to get too excited and spook the next sweet soul we run into.....

 

[Maelstrom]

That's interesting. I think I have been "the object" of exactly this: a sort of "special interest" instead of a "love interest". I guess it makes sense that if one doesn't know (or doesn't admit to himself) that he is an aspie, he also doesn't know/admit/understand that he has "special interests" in the first place... So if he feels "interest" for a person, he thinks "hey, we should probably date". (Cannot actually feel attraction, affection, love so breaks up, but still feels the need to satisfy his "sort of obsession", so gets back together... I'll stop there. )

Hi Cecile my apologies on that we aspies do, do that, and confuse others half to death. However it is the highest compliment we can give, we don't choose the sweet soul sash for just anyone. And when it goes sideways we get confused and embarrassed and spook . But if you like him, and he definitely a likes you a whole lot on some level, a little, (soft), persistent warm coaxing could still win the day.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I do seem to focus intently on people but it is very short duration. For example in conversation I will ask people many things about themselves, or after seeing a movie will research an actress/actor intently. But it typically doesn't last beyond satisfying an initial curiousity.

For me, it's the typical hot/cold aspie thing. I get fascinated by a sympathetic new acquaintence, and for about six weeks I'm more interested in what makes them tick than anything else. One day I wake up and they no longer surprise me. It's like being an anthropologist on Mars, studying one single Martian at a time.

Sometimes they think I'm making friends, but it takes me a lot longer than six weeks to commit to friendship. At first I just want the data. Writing it, it sounds cold, but there's no telling what triggers are in the room when strangers enter.

 

[Cecile]

Hi Cecile my apologies on that we aspies do, do that, and confuse others half to death. However it is the highest compliment we can give, we don't choose the sweet soul sash for just anyone. And when it goes sideways we get confused and embarrassed and spook . But if you like him, and he definitely a likes you a whole lot on some level, a little, (soft), persistent warm coaxing could still win the day.

You're nice, but it certainly isn't your job/ responsibility to apologize on this one.
As for winning the day, that is out of the question. He is in denial about Asperger's, and one of his special interests is (NT) psychoanalysis, so imagine that... To him, there is no such thing as neurodiversity, everything is caused by "the human (neurotic) condition" and a result of "trauma" from his previous relationships. (I don't doubt that some of those relationships with NT women have been difficult and hurtful. However, it is obvious from what he told me about his life that what he blames on "trauma" are actually sensory sensivities and anxiety that go way back before those relationships happened.) So basically, he will never understand himself nor provide useful input to a (girl)friend who wants to understand him and adapt. No amount of persistence, warmth and coaxing can change that.
The "level" on which he liked me a lot translated into a long-distance 75 % online relationship (while our places are a 4-minute walk apart) where using the telephone was forbidden and everything had to be discussed in Facebook Messenger. After some intimacy/ affection on the first week or so, all physical contact was also forbidden, except for a hello/goodbye kiss on the lips. I was also notified that he had "very little feelings". It was like being told: "I'll never love you, I am not attracted, but you have interesting qualities, let's have a relationship so we can chat daily, help each other out from time to time, spend 2 hours together on Fridays, and I may ask you to tag along when I want company for certain activities". Even though I value my freedom and am not much of a romantic, this relationship felt at best pointless, at worst fake and a bit hurtful.

 

[Cecile]

It's like being an anthropologist on Mars, studying one single Martian at a time. (...) I just want the data. Writing it, it sounds cold, but there's no telling what triggers are in the room when strangers enter.

Take it from a Martian who's been studied by a friend/boyfriend/ex/anthropologist who didn't understand/admit what he was doing: writing it, actually makes you sound rather open and lucid.

 

[Maelstrom]

You're nice, but it certainly isn't your job/ responsibility to apologize on this one.

Hi Cecile I'm recovering from a lost ex-girlfriend too, and thought you needed a little word hug. This stuff is so hard sometimes, you put a 120% into making someone happy, and they just throw up all over it. It is stomach turning at how little worth they attach to your affection. I see what you mean about him, I may miss things some times as a auspie, but I would never say horrible stuff like that to a girl, And I certainly wouldn't dream of asking for any favors from a girl after breaking it off, that is drifting into evil user land. On the aspie affection thing I struggled a little with the kissing and was very nervous, but I found with some adjustments, going a little slower, and adding a little more neck stuff, and tasteful caressing, I was able to light up in my head and really like it. Actually I miss some of that stuff quite a bit. And even tho I got tired some times, wanting to be with someone you love is normal, I don't get what he's doing at all? Blaming others for your aspie stuff is not proper, but we wish they would understand it more, with my auti side I do feel real pain-suffering if a aggressive person presses me too hard, however we are talking about unrespectful stuff that would make many NTs take a step back, not just little stuff. I am sorry for your loss hope you feel better soon.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I laughed out loud. I like lucid. I usually just feel confused.

 

[Maelstrom]

For me, it's the typical hot/cold aspie thing. I get fascinated by a sympathetic new acquaintence, and for about six weeks I'm more interested in what makes them tick than anything else. One day I wake up and they no longer surprise me. It's like being an anthropologist on Mars, studying one single Martian at a time.

Sometimes they think I'm making friends, but it takes me a lot longer than six weeks to commit to friendship. At first I just want the data. Writing it, it sounds cold, but there's no telling what triggers are in the room when strangers enter.

Hi Aspergirl4hire I have been there done that, the compulsion to study new people like bugs to see what they are made of. But it does mess with their heads, and I don't like to hurt peoples feelings, so I try to be more subtle about it now. I take things in smaller bites, hang with them more when there is another person in on the conversation, so they don't over read the friendship thing. But true friendship does require long term engagement, and is a blessing if you can find someone suitable.

 

[JCPHN]

Yes, and it's usually a very painful, difficult experience.

I sort of still miss my "special interest," and I want to find someone I feel that way about again, without driving them away in the process.

 

[garnetflower13]

Anyone i become friends with becomes an obsession, in varying degrees of intensity. And when those friendships end, I find myself taking a really long time to stop thinking and having feelings about it. My most recent friendship ended four years ago and I still feel moments of anguish over it.

 

[Maelstrom]

Anyone i become friends with becomes an obsession, in varying degrees of intensity. And when those friendships end, I find myself taking a really long time to stop thinking and having feelings about it. My most recent friendship ended four years ago and I still feel moments of anguish over it.

Hi garnetflower13 I think it is normal to feel sad and miss someone you liked and invested time and emotion in. The word obsessed makes me a little nervous I feel as a auspie, as long as I'm doing my best to treat people right, that I'm entitled to want and miss friends or loves just as much as any other regular person. I see my self as a normal nice person who is just a little different. hope you are feeling better today

 

[garnetflower13]

For me, it's the typical hot/cold aspie thing. I get fascinated by a sympathetic new acquaintence, and for about six weeks I'm more interested in what makes them tick than anything else. One day I wake up and they no longer surprise me. It's like being an anthropologist on Mars, studying one single Martian at a time.

Sometimes they think I'm making friends, but it takes me a lot longer than six weeks to commit to friendship. At first I just want the data. Writing it, it sounds cold, but there's no telling what triggers are in the room when strangers enter.

This is exactly how I feel! I never realized that while some former friends were thinking we were "bonding" that was merely the information/data gathering stage. And by the time I was bored with the specimen, that poor soul was bewildered by my sudden lack of interest. You put it so well!

 

[garnetflower13]

Hi garnetflower13 I think it is normal to feel sad and miss someone you liked and invested time and emotion in. The word obsessed makes me a little nervous I feel as a auspie, as long as I'm doing my best to treat people right, that I'm entitled to want and miss friends or loves just as much as any other regular person. I see my self as a normal nice person who is just a little different. hope you are feeling better today

Thank you, Maelstrom! I was friends with this particular person for nearly two years. I had to end the friendship (long story) but still tend to feel badly about it. I am feeling a bit better today,hope it lasts!