Has he lost interest?

[Sarah713]

Ive been dating a guy for about 7-8 months, he's on the spectrum, I'm not. Thing is, I've seen him twice in the last 3-4 months and I get the feeling he's not interested anymore. BUT, I know that just before he went really distant and went into radio silence, his workload increased at work, plus he plays in s band and has been doing loads of gigs. He came over on Thursday, why would he do that if he wasn't interested? Up til now, I've hardly seen any traits of autism, or so I though, now I'm not so sure, but then, 'y experience of autism is very limited. Could the 4 months radio silence be down to his autism? I know a lot of women would have given up and found someone else, I don't want to give up on this, he is an amazing guy and I love him to bits, I just feel like I don't know where I stand and I have no idea how to bring it up without offending him.

 

[paloftoon]

3-4 months is a long time as you two are just getting to know each other. I don't think it would be a bad thing to ask about it. Good luck.

 

[Judge]

BUT, I know that just before he went really distant and went into radio silence, his workload increased at work, plus he plays in s band and has been doing loads of gigs. He came over on Thursday, why would he do that if he wasn't interested?

Socialization of any kind can be quite arduous for us, to the point of physical and emotional exhaustion. Even the best of a friendship or relationship. It can all potentially appear to hang in the balance and tipped in the wrong direction when things in life get to be too much for us. So it's quite possible that he has very little left over at the moment for you. Though this is critical for you to understand. That it reflects nothing personal towards you either.

When I would become under a prolonged sense of stress at work a similar thing would happen to me. Which would enhance my craving for solitude, yet have nothing to do with another human being for any reason. It's how we "recharge" our energy levels to get through the next day. Things you may take for granted may be like mountain climbing for us on occasion.

Sometimes life can spread us far too thin to the point where we have little to give much to anyone. It's not about you, but all about him on the spectrum of autism.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I agree with Judge. When you're autistic and you've got a lot of work on your plate the last thing on your mind is socialising. Most of us just want to retreat to a quiet, dark place after a long, hard day and just be on our own. This can quickly become routine if we have whole weeks like this. We might come across and cold and distant but it's really just a sign that we're mentally exhausted. After all, there are so many things during socialising to pay attention to when it doesn't come naturally to you, like giving facial expressions, intonation of voice, remembering to not go into long speeches and giving time for people to reciprocate in conversation and clearly show interest in others all the while trying to be careful we don't say things that can be interpreted as inappropriate or rude. There's a lot to do.

But I do understand that it's hard to tell if someone cares about you when they are so distant so getting reassurance can always help, you just won't know until you ask. Being in a relationship with an autistic person can leave you feeling neglected but we don't mean to do it on purpose. We might need prompts because time can slip past very quickly when you are burnt out, and if you do feel like we aren't contributing much at one moment don't feel like you can't ask if we are feeling drained.

Please don't think we don't care because underneath there can be so much we struggle to deal with on a daily basis.

 

[Sarah713]

This is probably a stupid question but Is there anything I can do to make things a bit easier for him? When he came over Thursday, he was so out of character for what I've seen before, in fact when he first told me he was autistic, there were only two things that seemed to 'fit' shall we say. Obviously autism affects different people on different ways and it's going to affect a 6yeat old different to a.neatly 40 year old. Despite what my friends are telling me to do, I'm not ready to give up on this and walk away, I just have no idea as to the best way to broach the issue. He hasn't really spoken about his autism except to say he's autistic

 

[Judge]

This is probably a stupid question but Is there anything I can do to make things a bit easier for him?

Yes! Be patient and let him come to you on his time. Not yours. Hopefully at some point whatever is causing him so much stress will wane, allowing him to get back on keel in terms of the relationship he has with you.

Also be patient with him about whether or not he addresses his own autism. Without a common frame of reference it can terribly difficult to explain autism to a Neurotypical. I'm sure any number of us would prefer to not even go there unless it's absolutely necessary. Especially if he senses you're in some kind of doubt about his autism. I have a cousin who works in healthcare insurance and she really doesn't believe any of it. So any discussion of autism usually goes from awkward to hostile in no time at all. Tread lightly.

No, it's not particularly fair or equitable, but under the circumstances it's probably your best bet to maintain whatever relationship you have with him.