Had a baby with an aspie and he doesn't see his daughter HELP!!

[Abrightfutureahead]

Hi, I started dating someone I had known for 5 years through a friend. I didn't exactly know him well when we got together but he is incredibly attractive and has a rigid way of thinking, and lots of quirks (won't sit next to anyone on a sofa, wears lots of layers of clothing even in the blazing heat, obsessions with collecting second hand junk and sorting out his junk into piles) he said we should try for a baby - knowing full well I had lost 4 babies with an ex. Thinking I may never have children I agreed to try and got pregnant within a few weeks!

So while being pregnant I came to realise something wasn't right with him, no emotional connection, response or support.

Long story short i broke up with him, we have a daughter, he hasn't seen her for 3 months now. I was visiting and staying the weekends at his parents house an hours drive away. One day he decided and told me he was never going to come to my town again.

I told him he needs to help with the travel to see his daughter 50/50. When I used to go at weekends he didn't seem interested in his daughter anyway so I stopped going and told him he needed to make the effort to show me he cares to be in her life...

I've txt him and asked for him to visit, or meet halfway, anything. He says "he has been to my house plenty of times, and if I want him to see her I need to bring her to him as he is now in his routine".

I don't know what to do. I feel if he really cared he wouldn't leave it 3 months and not see his baby, who is only 6 months old. He's missing her grow up and she doesn't know who her dad is it makes me so upset.


I realised it might not work out between us but I never thought he would be a bad dad. He always goes on about being a family man, but he means his mum and dad and doesn't seem to think we are also his family. He's had a Muslim upbringing I don't know if that has anything to do with it.

What to do!
Please advice me

 

[Abrightfutureahead]

P.s his mum told me he is on the spectrum and he doesn't deny it. His brother are also on the spectrum and are not as well functioning as him so he won't seek help as he sees himself as ok.

Because the family are religious they do not like to label and have told him sometimes it just happens with "mixed" heritage (half Algerian - half English) and they Allah made him and his brothers that way.. I'm trying to understand that he cannot help how he is, and when he says he loved me, maybe he did in his own way, but was unable to be supportive throughout my pregnancy or make me feel cared about. He didn't actually like to be touched, and would constantly tell me to be quiet and that I was shouting.... he needs a lot of solitude.

His parents come to visit my daughter and say he's the same as always and just locks himself inside his room and goes to work with him dad and in his routine: they say they do not understand his way of thinking and he just says to me if I want to see him or for him to see his daughter I can come to him anytime.

He also doesn't seem to have much of an understanding that him and his parents are not the same. When I would talk to him about his responsibility as a father for a child we planned to have he would always refer to himself as "we"...
It was quite strange and he never told me why it I would ask. He expects his parents to be the ones to see his daughter and support me and it's a sad realisation when his mother told me he's had learning difficulties since a child and at the high end of the spectrum that he really has the mental capacity of a child..:

It was probably a reason why I fell in love with him., he is an innocent soul.

 

[Inator]

I'm trying to put myself on his shoes... If anyone told me something isn't right with me, no emotional connection, response or support, and then broke with me, I'd fall in a storm of feelings, and barely control about it. Probably comparatively more than the average person. Why? Because after a whole life of hard control in self-behavior (as in appearing less pathetical tbh, world "appears" beyond cruel to a great part of us), and if I had the intention to make a family but see it fall away like this, makes the efforts I done throghout 80% of my life look totally useless. An absolute hit to the nerve, leading to an indescribable depression

 

[xudo]

This is going to sound really bad, but you did say that you basically had a baby with this guy because you thought this might be your only chance. If that was your thinking, then it makes it sound like there maybe wasn't as much planning and forethought, so I don't think you can necessarily be that surprised that he (whether he be NT or Aspie) isn't that prepared to get involved. He may well have been the one who suggested trying for a baby, but doesn't seem to have put much thought into it either and now that it's a reality, he's maybe realised his mistake in not thinking it through.

Whatever the situation, you can't force him to have a relationship with the child. You can certainly chase him for help and support financially, but emotional and physical support are something that only he can decide to provide.

 

[Annieoh]

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This is going to sound really bad, but you did say that you basically had a baby with this guy because you thought this might be your only chance. If that was your thinking, then it makes it sound like there maybe wasn't as much planning and forethought, so I don't think you can necessarily be that surprised that he (whether he be NT or Aspie) isn't that prepared to get involved. He may well have been the one who suggested trying for a baby, but doesn't seem to have put much thought into it either and now that it's a reality, he's maybe realised his mistake in not thinking it through.

Whatever the situation, you can't force him to have a relationship with the child. You can certainly chase him for help and support financially, but emotional and physical support are something that only he can decide to provide.

That sounds horribly painful. I'm sorry you are going through this. Where is your own family? Are they supportive of you?

 

[Abrightfutureahead]

Hi yes it is true. It wasn't very well thought out, but he was aware I had 4 miscarriages with a previous partner and said he would stick by me until we had a baby. The thought alone that I was almost 30 and have high risk of recurrence of miscarriage l just went for it. It all happened so fast and I was unaware of his high functioning autism..

The relationship was very confusing and upsetting for me, and it wasn't until I was almost ready to give birth and crying to his mum that she told me why he was acting how he does.

If it was a Neurotypical bloke I would just accept he is a selfish arse who doesn't care to be in his daughter life and take it on the chin that I'm going this alone and that he is just another deadbeat dad. The thing is that he has an affliction, and this changes everything.

I don't have much family of my own but I have a good career, a house and my own car and money so can support my daughter by myself, it's just hard that he doesn't visit or seem to care if he knows her.
Yet he says things like "it's still early days" when he's missed half of his babies life. His parents just say that out of all their 3 autistic boys he is the most kind and caring.
Do I take her there so she knows him even though he won't do his share of visitiation? I haven't had even a few hours away from my daughter because I don't feel I have anyone i could leave her with. Not much family of my own and he knows this

 

[Momo]

It sounds like a difficult situation, but I think there's fault on both sides here. I honestly don't think it will get any better at the current time, perhaps later on? He's likely still not feeling to great after the breakup. I'm sorry for your situation.

 

[xudo]

said he would stick by me until we had a baby

NT or Aspie, people say things and don't always follow through on them, especially if they haven't really thought things through beforehand.

I was unaware of his high functioning autism..

Would it have made a difference?

If it was a Neurotypical bloke I would just accept he is a selfish arse who doesn't care to be in his daughter life and take it on the chin that I'm going this alone and that he is just another deadbeat dad. The thing is that he has an affliction, and this changes everything.

I take exception to the use of this term. It's not an 'affliction', it's a neurodevelopmental disorder. It doesn't really change anything, as it could be that actually, his behaviour is only partly or not at all to do with his ASD. Plenty of people come here looking for advice thinking that the (usually male) person they're having relationship with is being a d**k purely because they're on the spectrum, when in reality it's just because they're a d**k who also happens to have ASD.

Like I said before, you can't force him to want or have a relationship with his child.

 

[Mia]

When your child starts speaking in phrases, it's likely he'll take more interest.

 

[Keigan]

I can't post in this thread, it is too disturbing and I have nothing constructive to offer this woman.

"Ignorance is bliss"

 

[OrangeGoldGreen]

You broke up with this person; he doesn't owe you anything other than perhaps child support payments. You can't expect someone to help you build a family when you actively rejected them from that family, especially with the constant painful reminder of that fact by having to frequently interact with you in order to see the child.