Gift Giving/Receiving? [Help?!?]

[RiverSong]

I'm starting to wonder if I think too much in black and white. So when situations like this fall into gray areas, I don't know what to do. I usually end up looking on Google for answers or having to ask others for advice.

I could ask my parents about my birthday situation. I've tried discussing similar issues with them before. But whenever I bring up problems or mistreatment I don't agree with, it doesn't end well. They get hostile and call me ungrateful or whatever.

On the flip side, my parents are always telling me how much they love and miss me. I think this is why I overlooked the birthday lack-of-gifts thing because I figure they mean it. I do think they mean well. It's just… a really dysfunctional kind of love.

 

[ksheehan88]

It doesn't bother me if I'm not given gifts. It does bother me if people can't even do something as little as a card. I value cards over gifts.

I don't give gifts expecting to get one back, I just like to see them happy.

I can understand however why you are upset. My view is, if you don't like the fact you give gifts and they don't bother, don't buy them gifts any longer... and when they complain, tell them why you stopped.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

It doesn't bother me if I'm not given gifts. It does bother me if people can't even do something as little as a card. I value cards over gifts.

I don't give gifts expecting to get one back, I just like to see them happy.

I can understand however why you are upset. My view is, if you don't like the fact you give gifts and they don't bother, don't buy them gifts any longer... and when they complain, tell them why you stopped.

Perhaps the mother would say 'my gift was bringing you into this world'

You could then say 'thanks'
Which could be -hopefully- interpreted sarcastically

 

[RiverSong]

My view is, if you don't like the fact you give gifts and they don't bother, don't buy them gifts any longer... and when they complain, tell them why you stopped.

Yeah, I'll try that.

Perhaps the mother would say 'my gift was bringing you into this world'

You could then say 'thanks'
Which could be -hopefully- interpreted sarcastically

I doubt my mother would ever say that, lol.

 

[Questella]

My birthday passed recently. I spent it alone and was happy to do so. I was given a couple well wishes from people but as usual I did not receive any gifts. I haven't received a single gift in the last five years or more.

This didn't bother me before except that I've noticed I always give gifts to family and people I've known for a long time. I make sure to send some type of gift on birthdays, mother's day, and other holidays. But I might get a late card for my birthday and that's it.

Although, I give gifts even though I'm on a tight budget because I thought that was a nice, kind thing to do. They aren't expensive gifts. But I do it because it shows that I'm thinking of the person and that I care. I also thought that it's something everyone does.

Now I'm wondering after so many years if I'm missing something? Is there some type of social or gift etiquette that I'm not aware of? Or could this lack of reciprocation be a sign that I'm not well liked or respected by the people I know?

I'm just curious if maybe I've been oblivious to something that I'm sure others would have noticed much sooner. Any thoughts?

This same thing happens to me, I stopped trying some years ago as it became too depressing.

The only way I could get a gift was to constantly remind someone my birthday was x day and ask what they were getting me, but after a couple years this just felt stupid. I no longer even acknowledge my own birthday and neither does anyone else. I can't even get the guy I've been with for over 10 years to acknowledge me on my birthday or other holidays. I really hate birthdays and holidays amymore. I wish Christmas would just stop. I hate decorating and I'm the only one willing to do it for the kid and would much rather run away for the entire month of November and December.

I also don't get invited to family parties or weddings, everybody just sucks. I often wish I had moved far away a long time ago as then constantly being ignored and hated wouldn't matter as I could chalk it up to I live to far away. -._-.

 

[Ambi]

My birthday passed recently. I spent it alone and was happy to do so. I was given a couple well wishes from people but as usual I did not receive any gifts. I haven't received a single gift in the last five years or more.

This didn't bother me before except that I've noticed I always give gifts to family and people I've known for a long time. I make sure to send some type of gift on birthdays, mother's day, and other holidays. But I might get a late card for my birthday and that's it.

Although, I give gifts even though I'm on a tight budget because I thought that was a nice, kind thing to do. They aren't expensive gifts. But I do it because it shows that I'm thinking of the person and that I care. I also thought that it's something everyone does.

Now I'm wondering after so many years if I'm missing something? Is there some type of social or gift etiquette that I'm not aware of? Or could this lack of reciprocation be a sign that I'm not well liked or respected by the people I know?

I'm just curious if maybe I've been oblivious to something that I'm sure others would have noticed much sooner. Any thoughts?

I'm wondering if this has to do with age? When I was younger, gift exchanging seemed like a must for friends and family, but then as we grew up, we stopped doing it as much. Now we don't do it at all, unless if that person is having a party, or I am spending the day with them. I am curious if those other people are having parties and receiving your gift is blending in with that event, or if they aren't having parties, and you are the rare person who is sending them something, or if they only consider giving gifts to people if they are having a party. My guess would be that those people don't normally send gifts to others for these events unless there is a party, or if that person is extremely close to them now, regardless of how long they have known them. In any case, I don't think they are intending to be rude by not sending you a gift - it's just that they aren't obliged to send you a gift simply because you send them gifts - it's your choice to send the gifts, it's their choice not to bother sending gifts - just consider from their perspective how it would be to feel obliged to go out and find and send a gift by the appropriate time for someone when they don't naturally think it's very important. I *do* think you can safely draw the conclusion that while they may like the gifts you send, they wouldn't miss them if you didn't.

 

[RiverSong]

This same thing happens to me, I stopped trying some years ago as it became too depressing.

The only way I could get a gift was to constantly remind someone my birthday was x day and ask what they were getting me, but after a couple years this just felt stupid. I no longer even acknowledge my own birthday and neither does anyone else. I can't even get the guy I've been with for over 10 years to acknowledge me on my birthday or other holidays. I really hate birthdays and holidays amymore. I wish Christmas would just stop. I hate decorating and I'm the only one willing to do it for the kid and would much rather run away for the entire month of November and December.

I also don't get invited to family parties or weddings, everybody just sucks. I often wish I had moved far away a long time ago as then constantly being ignored and hated wouldn't matter as I could chalk it up to I live to far away. -._-.

Yeah, outside of my immediate family, my relatives are horrible. I don't even keep in touch with them. So I feel for ya. I've never been a fan of the holiday season either. Too much noise, superficiality, and disappointment.

My family hasn't done Christmas since I was a kid. So, no gifts there which I'm fine with. It's birthdays and other occasions that bothers me. Or I should say was bothering me. I sorta getting over it now. Mother's Day is coming up and I'm just sending a card. Only cards from now on.

I'm wondering if this has to do with age? When I was younger, gift exchanging seemed like a must for friends and family, but then as we grew up, we stopped doing it as much. Now we don't do it at all, unless if that person is having a party, or I am spending the day with them. I am curious if those other people are having parties and receiving your gift is blending in with that event, or if they aren't having parties, and you are the rare person who is sending them something, or if they only consider giving gifts to people if they are having a party. My guess would be that those people don't normally send gifts to others for these events unless there is a party, or if that person is extremely close to them now, regardless of how long they have known them. In any case, I don't think they are intending to be rude by not sending you a gift - it's just that they aren't obliged to send you a gift simply because you send them gifts - it's your choice to send the gifts, it's their choice not to bother sending gifts - just consider from their perspective how it would be to feel obliged to go out and find and send a gift by the appropriate time for someone when they don't naturally think it's very important. I *do* think you can safely draw the conclusion that while they may like the gifts you send, they wouldn't miss them if you didn't.

I have thought about it but I don't think it's because of age. I say this because my parents exchange gifts with each other and send my brother money on his birthdays. But they just send me a late card. That's it.

My family doesn't do parties either. I'm guessing I missed some obvious reason why they have cut off the gift giving on my end. It just took me probably longer than it should have to notice this. I do think you're right that they won't miss me sending anything more. So I wont.

 

[Mary Terry]

It hurts when someone forgets your birthday. I always give small gifts to my relatives who are children for their birthdays and Christmas because kids are really vulnerable to being hurt by someone ignoring their special day. Once they hit age 18, I stop giving unless they acknowledge my birthday and Christmas. Reciprocity is my rule - what is good for the goose is good for the gander, or whatever that old saying is.

I also frequently make homemade cards for the kids rather than spending on overpriced, dopey store-bought cards. I make up some simple poem or happy birthday statement and often glue stuff to the cards like buttons and bows, feathers, small sea shells, pretty leaves and flowers from the yard, ribbons, and pictures I cut out of old birthday and Christmas cards. It's a good way to recycle old cards. For the little kids, I sometimes make little hand-drawn coloring booklets out of paper and include a box of crayons. It's inexpensive, fun, and I can really personalize them such as a coloring book of horses for my granddaughter who loves horses. Doesn't matter that I'm a terrible artist. It's the thought that counts! I'm sure I could find tons of ideas and templates on the internet but I enjoy making up my own stuff.

 

[Ambi]

I have thought about it but I don't think it's because of age. I say this because my parents exchange gifts with each other and send my brother money on his birthdays. But they just send me a late card. That's it.

My family doesn't do parties either. I'm guessing I missed some obvious reason why they have cut off the gift giving on my end. It just took me probably longer than it should have to notice this. I do think you're right that they won't miss me sending anything more. So I wont.

Oh - I hadn't realized it was your parents! That is strange that they are treating you differently.

 

[Questella]

My grandma just died on my mom's side and cleaning out her house they found she kept every single card anybody had ever given her since ever. There must be tens of thousands of cards!

I never could get cards as the communication aspect of them just make me really uncomfortable and confused. If you get me one it better have a picture of a cat or I'm just going to be what's this about... :<

 

[mocha]

For some reason I can give/receive gifts from family/friends/acquaintances etc quite easily - but with my boyfriend it's absolutely nerve-wracking for some reason?? (actually the whole dating thing is scary as heck for me but that's another topic)

We've been dating around 7 months.
Both Xmas and his birthday were really early on in the relationship and I stuck with "safe" things like chocolates and gift cards, and got away with awkwardly gave them at the end of the date before saying goodbye.
We also regularly do small gestures like buying coffee/snacks for each other etc.

A few weeks ago he surprised me with costume jewellery.
My instinct was to say thank you and wear it straight away but I was feeling so awkward, I kept losing track of conversation afterwards and avoiding eye contact - ended up excusing myself to the ladies to refresh my brain.
Not sure how to act if that happens again so any advice would be great??

Anyway - we're going on our first trip together next week and I wanted to get him something "just because" ...which is more difficult since there's no reason other than the sentiment I guess??
He broke his watch recently and I also feel like giving him something more significant as he keeps adamantly paying for our meals out.
Basically I got him a niceish watch (like...between £60-100?), with a personalised engraved message on the back.

But now I can't figure out for the life of me how on earth I'm going to go about giving it to him??
Sometimes wonder if I've gone too far and that's what I'm nervous about - but tend to obsess and eventually return items if I'm bothered about them, so I suspect it's more the act of giving it that has me worried.
People talk about finding the "right moment" and "setting a good mood beforehand" but that's all totally lost on me?? Any practical suggestions (laid out clearly without airy romantic language) would be absolutely amazing.