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General question about aspergers

dnstech2003

dnstech2003

Member
It's My Birthday!
I have a question about aspergers, am I the only one that's attached to a wife/gf and very protective of her? Like has to be at all her dr appointments and every where she goes.
 
dnstech2003 said:
I have a question about aspergers, am I the only one that's attached to a wife/gf and very protective of her? Like has to be at all her dr appointments and every where she goes.
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Well you shouldn't be. Other people can help with the dr appointments and you don't have to go everywhere with her. If you want to that is fine. Personally I wouldn't. Give her some space sometimes. If you are attached to her, then great. That shows a relationship, but I wouldn't go everywhere with her u less she wants you to. This is kind of a hard question to answer in that respect. Everyone is different. Just keep that in mind when you are around her. Ask her what makes her more comfortable and do what she says. It may be that you don't have to go everywhere, but I would check. Some girls like it and others don't. Hope this helps.
 
I was just wondering because it causes alot of arguments between us, I think I have to be at the Dr with her bc my fear of them hurting her.
 
Some folks with Asperger's and autism are very territorial and protective over their partners. Most also tend to have bad experiences with professionals and society in general. If you are worried they may do to her what they've done to you, why not go to some self-defense classes together? Then you can know she'll be fine on her own because she can kick booty if they misbehave.

I just like going everywhere with my husband because I might get to see something neat if we go out. Drives him nuts sometimes so I stay home for the boring things he wants to do by himself, like his own doctor appointments. The only reason I wanted to go to those was in case I needed to remember something he didn't. I was the reverse with my own doctors though. When I was trapped with very bad physicians, I had to have my husband with me every time. Not that either of us were allowed to do anything and sometimes they separated us, but I would not go to any appointment unless he could come. Now I have a wonderful CRNP that I don't mind visiting alone and I look forward to my appointments. I just dread it if I ever have to see another MD.
 
AsheSkyler said:
Some folks with Asperger's and autism are very territorial and protective over their partners. Most also tend to have bad experiences with professionals and society in general. If you are worried they may do to her what they've done to you, why not go to some self-defense classes together? Then you can know she'll be fine on her own because she can kick booty if they misbehave.

I just like going everywhere with my husband because I might get to see something neat if we go out. Drives him nuts sometimes so I stay home for the boring things he wants to do by himself, like his own doctor appointments. The only reason I wanted to go to those was in case I needed to remember something he didn't. I was the reverse with my own doctors though. When I was trapped with very bad physicians, I had to have my husband with me every time. Not that either of us were allowed to do anything and sometimes they separated us, but I would not go to any appointment unless he could come. Now I have a wonderful CRNP that I don't mind visiting alone and I look forward to my appointments. I just dread it if I ever have to see another MD.
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Idk why but every time I think about her going to the Dr my anxiety goes through the roof.
 
For some people that is normal. I am a little like that with my sister. I get anxious when she flies on airplanes alone, goes to a friends house, or goes to church without me. Not that I am scared that she will say something about me, but because I love her and want to protect her and if I can't I get nervous. It is perfectly fine to feel that way.
 
Mywaysigning said:
For some people that is normal. I am a little like that with my sister. I get anxious when she flies on airplanes alone, goes to a friends house, or goes to church without me. Not that I am scared that she will say something about me, but because I love her and want to protect her and if I can't I get nervous. It is perfectly fine to feel that way.
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I thought I was the only one that feels that way. My wife thinks it's controlling 8 do that. But to me in my mind it's perfectly fine to her it's worst thing ever. Like I have to be with her all the time even when her and her mama go places.
 
No. You aren't the only one that feels that way. A lot of people are like that.
 
So you want all the characteristics of AS? That is a rather long list. Please define which aspect of AS you are wanting.
 
Mywaysigning said:
So you want all the characteristics of AS? That is a rather long list. Please define which aspect of AS you are wanting.
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I mean like I talk about the same thing all the time. And like the protective parts, I've went head to head with nurses before that wouldn't let me in the back with my wife.
 
Yep. That sums it up. Great job. I was just looking at that website and then I looked and you had posted it. Thank you. Hope that helps.
 
I'm not like this, but I have a friend who I suspect is aspie and is very protective of his wife, and this causes problems in the relationship. I agree with others who have said that you need to give her space, there are some things that she will want to do on her own and you need to let her so these things alone. NTs, like most aspies, need to have some time alone. Not being with her all the time doesn't mean that you are a bad spouse.
 
I am very protective of my wife and family, but I do recognize that they are their own person and need to give them their space. My wife and I almost always go to the doctor appointments together. As we have gotten older, this is important for support. Some of our doctor appointments have been of a very serious nature. When I have had heart or cancer problems, it was always very comforting to have her with me.
 
I think it is alright to want to protect someone, but you have to recognize that they have the right to express how and when they want you to do that. I know aspies at both extremes--those whose anxiety makes them want to control everything around them, including others' lives, and those whose anxiety makes them want everyone to stay as far away from them as possible and have a very absolute idea of what "personal boundaries" means for themselves and others. Aspies tend toward absolutes.

I think you have to strike a balance, recognizing that this is your anxiety, not hers, and if she is comfortable, you need to wait until she says that she needs you there. But not being so absolute that you avoid all contact and say "Well it's your business so I won't get involved, ever, even if you need my help" (which is the other extreme that you're very far from!). Everyone has the right to be in charge of their own life and not feel like they have their own monitor wherever they go. It can be very stifling and feel like they don't get to control how they do things without your observation and approval. You don't want your wife to feel like that. It will stop feeling like that when she gets to decide whether she wants you there or not.

So think about other ways you can alleviate your anxiety. Perhaps just seeing that things are fine without you will help. I would also suggest distracting yourself with something productive, like exercise or a special interest. Perhaps set aside some time to challenge the anxiety: actually writing down what you're afraid will happen, and the more positive possibilities you haven't considered or the low likelihood of your fears coming true, can help to give yourself a 'reality check' and lessen your fear. Putting a name to something is always less scary than an unknown. Then you can look at it objectively, or even gain the ability to laugh at yourself.

But for me, as a very analytical person, it is often more helpful to bring myself into the moment than to get carried away analyzing fears. That's why I emphasize things like exercise or something that consumes my attention. Set a time for addressing the worry, and move on if you haven't reached anything that helps you calm down. Then you can wait and talk about it with your wife or an impartial third party (perhaps us!) later. And don't forget to congratulate yourself on your ability to wait!
 
dnstech2003 said:
I have a question about aspergers, am I the only one that's attached to a wife/gf and very protective of her? Like has to be at all her dr appointments and every where she goes.
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You can be protective of her but you can overdo it. If you do then they might think you believe they're not capable of much. She probably feel like you're undermining her. Just make sure you're there when she needs you.
 
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