Hi everyone
Am new here and have thought about writing about this for a while, though it’s only probably the fact I’m overstimulated right now (video game, not something I normally do, long story) that has probably even got me here at 12am, there will probably be a massive burnout after this, it’s difficult to put into words but is a genuine thought so wanted to express it here and see if there are thoughts.
Tbh I don’t actually want to be writing this, it feels like going backwards, yet it’s something in my mind that is there and could do with context or perspective, personally am in a different place (will get to that) yet it’s obviously enough of an issue to be here talking about. “Condition” wisd, I am ASD high functioning/Aspergers, with co-morbids of ADHD, OCD and Trauma. Was undiagnosed until about 3 years ago (adult) and went through the process of ESA, receiving the support group just over a year ago. This process in itself could be a massive long story and thread, ins and outs, phone calls, procedures, DRs, good people, bad people etc etc but again this isn’t the place I’m in right now, that is the cut down version of it and what happened.
So obviously since then have been in a situation and environment away from neurotypical behaviour, got away from a “job” situation about 3 years ago now, and during that tike have probably grown more than I ever have and learned so much, as well as gaining perspective, couldn’t have even written this 5 years ago. Was on a forum a few years ago, spoke to good people like yourselves and has feelings put into words that I’d never seen before. Gradually felt the desire to move away from that, and did, and now in more of a place where I am in an environment that is more comfortable for me. “Better” is not a way of describing it as things are the same as they always are and we’re, but it’s in an environment that is “run” I guess by me, so it’s linear to me and how things are. Dont get this twisted though, it’s not like everything is amazing and one big party, there are struggles and restlessness and behaviours (which is why it is where it is), but things are on “my terms”, so if I want to go somewhere I can, or not, if I’m fatigued I can rest etc etc. Remember saying to someone that for better for worse though it’s always “authentic”, so its forming an identity in some ways, what works, what doesn’t, why things happen etc. Again though don’t think everything is at all perfect, there are still restless nights and overwhelm and struggles with movement (can stim a lot, am constantly restless and can shout out and kick out, also have issues walking) but again is on my terms.
The thought that lingers though is about if ever I had to be “reassessed”. Part of this comes from anxiety, and would probably be something else if it wasn’t this, and I recognise that it is irrational in that way, but then also part of me sees it as a legitimate concern to have, as to have to go through that again would have a big affect on things. Day to day it’s not like I go around thinking about everything I do, so in someways I take it as it is, I am me, I don’t really see it as a “labels” thing. Though obviously there are big things day to day, mind wise being away from environments and situations that weren’t good for me (and have left a lot of trauma) has felt like gradually a load of knots have untied. But then it’s almost like there’s a part of me thinking “don’t take this for granted and move from it in case you ever have to describe it again (which was awful to do). Then it can spiral into a load of “what if” situations that flare up a load of restlessness and symptoms, the crazy thing is that state is how I was permanently for most of my life and knew no different (apart from a constant feeling of wanting to get away!) It was only getting away from those situations that I realised how depressed and frustrated and fatigued I was, fatigue being a big one, I actually get sleep now even if it is restless till 4am then sleeping till I naturally wake up. My mum and dad (who I don’t speak to about any of this, is a situation where we barely talk at all, and haven’t for years (kind of selective mutism), yet before where it was just literal grunts (heavily withdrawn) it is now actual words. It’s just like I mentioned, a different place to where it was, yet there’s always this feeling of a “dont be forgetting how things are”.
Obviously this is a “lifelong condition”, and for a long time everything was literally masking behaviour, something now that doesn’t happen as I can be “me” at all times, and I have learned and grown so much. That though can’t be seen as anything being “better”, just more comfortable as an environemt, there is time and there is space. As regards this issue, have spoken to an advocate (who came with me to my assessment), and even sent kind of a dumb email just to check she was still about just in case, then there is someone I have spoken to over the phone (better that way personally) who know all of this and said if anything happened they would be there. Another person (who went through the same process) also knows about my feelings and thoughts on this. All say that it’s ok, and I know that nothing has actually happened! Yet its a weird feeling of never being enough to shake this thought. It’s kind of a “to move forwards let go of what is behind” situation. Think part of it is that getting away from those situations has done so much for my wellbeing and growth that it’s confirmed that that is and was the way forwards.
As I said, I realise this is irrational and based on nothing concrete, but it still is a thing in my mind and wanted to share it. Having to concentrate on this (in amongst jumping around the room) for a little while will now bring on burnout (doing something in one place does this, mind fatigue or actually fatigue and distress) and like I said originally, this isn’t now where I’m at in my thinking, so it’s almist like iv had to dig it up to say if that makes sense. Appriciate you listening though and all thoughts are welcome.
Am new here and have thought about writing about this for a while, though it’s only probably the fact I’m overstimulated right now (video game, not something I normally do, long story) that has probably even got me here at 12am, there will probably be a massive burnout after this, it’s difficult to put into words but is a genuine thought so wanted to express it here and see if there are thoughts.
Tbh I don’t actually want to be writing this, it feels like going backwards, yet it’s something in my mind that is there and could do with context or perspective, personally am in a different place (will get to that) yet it’s obviously enough of an issue to be here talking about. “Condition” wisd, I am ASD high functioning/Aspergers, with co-morbids of ADHD, OCD and Trauma. Was undiagnosed until about 3 years ago (adult) and went through the process of ESA, receiving the support group just over a year ago. This process in itself could be a massive long story and thread, ins and outs, phone calls, procedures, DRs, good people, bad people etc etc but again this isn’t the place I’m in right now, that is the cut down version of it and what happened.
So obviously since then have been in a situation and environment away from neurotypical behaviour, got away from a “job” situation about 3 years ago now, and during that tike have probably grown more than I ever have and learned so much, as well as gaining perspective, couldn’t have even written this 5 years ago. Was on a forum a few years ago, spoke to good people like yourselves and has feelings put into words that I’d never seen before. Gradually felt the desire to move away from that, and did, and now in more of a place where I am in an environment that is more comfortable for me. “Better” is not a way of describing it as things are the same as they always are and we’re, but it’s in an environment that is “run” I guess by me, so it’s linear to me and how things are. Dont get this twisted though, it’s not like everything is amazing and one big party, there are struggles and restlessness and behaviours (which is why it is where it is), but things are on “my terms”, so if I want to go somewhere I can, or not, if I’m fatigued I can rest etc etc. Remember saying to someone that for better for worse though it’s always “authentic”, so its forming an identity in some ways, what works, what doesn’t, why things happen etc. Again though don’t think everything is at all perfect, there are still restless nights and overwhelm and struggles with movement (can stim a lot, am constantly restless and can shout out and kick out, also have issues walking) but again is on my terms.
The thought that lingers though is about if ever I had to be “reassessed”. Part of this comes from anxiety, and would probably be something else if it wasn’t this, and I recognise that it is irrational in that way, but then also part of me sees it as a legitimate concern to have, as to have to go through that again would have a big affect on things. Day to day it’s not like I go around thinking about everything I do, so in someways I take it as it is, I am me, I don’t really see it as a “labels” thing. Though obviously there are big things day to day, mind wise being away from environments and situations that weren’t good for me (and have left a lot of trauma) has felt like gradually a load of knots have untied. But then it’s almost like there’s a part of me thinking “don’t take this for granted and move from it in case you ever have to describe it again (which was awful to do). Then it can spiral into a load of “what if” situations that flare up a load of restlessness and symptoms, the crazy thing is that state is how I was permanently for most of my life and knew no different (apart from a constant feeling of wanting to get away!) It was only getting away from those situations that I realised how depressed and frustrated and fatigued I was, fatigue being a big one, I actually get sleep now even if it is restless till 4am then sleeping till I naturally wake up. My mum and dad (who I don’t speak to about any of this, is a situation where we barely talk at all, and haven’t for years (kind of selective mutism), yet before where it was just literal grunts (heavily withdrawn) it is now actual words. It’s just like I mentioned, a different place to where it was, yet there’s always this feeling of a “dont be forgetting how things are”.
Obviously this is a “lifelong condition”, and for a long time everything was literally masking behaviour, something now that doesn’t happen as I can be “me” at all times, and I have learned and grown so much. That though can’t be seen as anything being “better”, just more comfortable as an environemt, there is time and there is space. As regards this issue, have spoken to an advocate (who came with me to my assessment), and even sent kind of a dumb email just to check she was still about just in case, then there is someone I have spoken to over the phone (better that way personally) who know all of this and said if anything happened they would be there. Another person (who went through the same process) also knows about my feelings and thoughts on this. All say that it’s ok, and I know that nothing has actually happened! Yet its a weird feeling of never being enough to shake this thought. It’s kind of a “to move forwards let go of what is behind” situation. Think part of it is that getting away from those situations has done so much for my wellbeing and growth that it’s confirmed that that is and was the way forwards.
As I said, I realise this is irrational and based on nothing concrete, but it still is a thing in my mind and wanted to share it. Having to concentrate on this (in amongst jumping around the room) for a little while will now bring on burnout (doing something in one place does this, mind fatigue or actually fatigue and distress) and like I said originally, this isn’t now where I’m at in my thinking, so it’s almist like iv had to dig it up to say if that makes sense. Appriciate you listening though and all thoughts are welcome.
Was on a forum a few years ago and found the same thing, still was good to explore on here a little and know that there’s a community for this kinda thing.
