For those who try fairly hard to look like the rest..

[Skye81]

This is a question for those who perhaps try really hard when either at work or school run or buying something... I just wonder if you can let me know how that is for you.
I go on the school run and other mums are all nattering and blah blah blah.... and I would really rather stand on my own. Which I did for a whole year before I was brought into a group. And even then I only stood with them at pick up.. not drop off. Which may have looked rude or odd.. I don't know. On the way there I will speed up or slow down to avoid 'the chat'... but obviously sometimes I get caught and it's tiring. Over time I have learnt things to ask and if they ask how I am then to say it back.. and to try not to go on about me too much... However I will never remember to ask them about something in their life that they may have told me was happening. They'll have to bring it up and then I remember.. and feel bad for not asking.
I hate having to be so cheerful and all that when I'm just there to get my kids (that sounds moodier than I mean! I am cheerful but I can't be bothered to talk!)
Shops are hard work as the cashier might speak. Argh. And I do that same cheerful 'weather' kind of talk. Normally I'll think it all through whilst waiting in the queue..
... Which I'll also do on the way to the school run...
Phonecalls. ..... wow. They are horrendous. I pretty much write a script for those. And I'll put off doing it for ages. I only like talking to my parent's or husband on the phone.
And lastly.. The hairdressers. Hehe. After they've asked me how I am and i answer and then say no more, they normally leave me in peace.
Basically I realise that I do try in all situations but it is so tiring. I need to think it all through first and rack my brains for things to ask if I'm caught by a different mum to usual or something. They seem so relaxed when my mind is racing to help me look 'normal'..!!

 

[TSS]

This is a question for those who perhaps try really hard when either at work or school run or buying something... I just wonder if you can let me know how that is for you.
I go on the school run and other mums are all nattering and blah blah blah.... and I would really rather stand on my own. Which I did for a whole year before I was brought into a group. And even then I only stood with them at pick up.. not drop off. Which may have looked rude or odd.. I don't know. On the way there I will speed up or slow down to avoid 'the chat'... but obviously sometimes I get caught and it's tiring. Over time I have learnt things to ask and if they ask how I am then to say it back.. and to try not to go on about me too much... However I will never remember to ask them about something in their life that they may have told me was happening. They'll have to bring it up and then I remember.. and feel bad for not asking.
I hate having to be so cheerful and all that when I'm just there to get my kids (that sounds moodier than I mean! I am cheerful but I can't be bothered to talk!)
Shops are hard work as the cashier might speak. Argh. And I do that same cheerful 'weather' kind of talk. Normally I'll think it all through whilst waiting in the queue..
... Which I'll also do on the way to the school run...
Phonecalls. ..... wow. They are horrendous. I pretty much write a script for those. And I'll put off doing it for ages. I only like talking to my parent's or husband on the phone.
And lastly.. The hairdressers. Hehe. After they've asked me how I am and i answer and then say no more, they normally leave me in peace.
Basically I realise that I do try in all situations but it is so tiring. I need to think it all through first and rack my brains for things to ask if I'm caught by a different mum to usual or something. They seem so relaxed when my mind is racing to help me look 'normal'..!!

I too try real hard when I am at work to seem like all is good when sometimes I just want to tell people to leave my alone. Going to the hairdresser is the worst for me. I just sit there and don't smile or engage in any conversation. I am okay with phone calls because at work I have a script I have worked out for me, but I stumble if I have to veer off that script. I would also rather do things on my own. I do like going out to dinner with my brother and his wife each week. We worked up to going out to a public restaurant slowly. I can get myself to seem cheery at work even when I feel like I am falling a part on the inside. It has taken a lot of work with the help of a psychologist to get to the point that I am at now.

 

[tree]

A pre-emptive strike with a cashier is sometimes fun.

Me to clerks at grocery stores:

"Did you do your nails yourself?"
"If Van Gogh were still living and painting, you would make a great model for him."
"Do they time how many items per minute you scan?"

Skye81
You used the word "cheerful" to describe the conversations
among and with the moms & with the cashiers. It doesn't
sound very cheery. Just light weight and difficult due to not
feeling engaged. That would be hard, for sure.

Scripting is useful for phone calls.

 

[IanOSU]

A pre-emptive strike with a cashier is sometimes fun.

Me to clerks at grocery stores:

"Did you do your nails yourself?"
"If Van Gogh were still living and painting, you would make a great model for him."
"Do they time how many items per minute you scan?"

Skye81
You used the word "cheerful" to describe the conversations
among and with the moms & with the cashiers. It doesn't
sound very cheery. Just light weight and difficult due to not
feeling engaged. That would be hard, for sure.

Scripting is useful for phone calls.

never thought of scripting for phone calls! I just now got off a phone call with my college advisor and I bombed. feeling so stupid...

 

[DogwoodTree]

I go 4 to 6 months between haircuts because being there among all those girlie girls is unnerving and stressful (even though my hairdresser is really nice). It's like I can feel the estrogen seeping into my skin, and I feel that much more out of place. It helps that I have unusually blonde hair, especially for my age, so that brings some nice comments from others. Otherwise, I feel so completely androgynous around those women who gossip, play with their hair and makeup and nails, and dress impeccably feminine. Scripts help, but it never seems to be quite enough.

 

[DogwoodTree]

However I will never remember to ask them about something in their life that they may have told me was happening. They'll have to bring it up and then I remember.. and feel bad for not asking.

I've gotten to where, sometimes, I can pay attention to their chatter SPECIFICALLY to catch details I can ask about later. Sometimes I've even taken notes, if not written notes then at least mental notes, then I look back at them later for ideas of things to ask. Very exhausting, though...

 

[AsheSkyler]

I tend to get the same end results of "bombed that social attempt". Making conversation is easy. Problem is I don't engage often because I find so much of it so very boring. So I talk about various factoids that could be from the ratio of different kinds of trees in the area to how scientists are considering solar sails for deep space missions. But most people only want to talk about the immediate weather. When I deal with women I usually try to steer the conversation toward kids or cooking and away from fashion and celebrities.

 

[Warmheart]

I tried to be social when the other students in swim class talked to me today.
I secretly thought: "I'm out of my depth in this convo already, and all she said was 'Hi.' "
One cannot always have a ready script for every situation, but I like to rehearse mentally and have one ready for brief, planned encounters.

Basicly, I struggle with improv!

 

[DC1346]

This is a question for those who perhaps try really hard when either at work or school run or buying something... I just wonder if you can let me know how that is for you.

I saw from your profile that you're still quite young, just 33 years of age. I am 54. With 21 years of additional life experience, my coping mechanisms are probably much more evolved than yours. Please understand that I am not belittling you or dismissing your concerns. When I was your age, my attitude was much like yours. I hated going out and was so self-conscious that I even had problems with walking for fear that I might not be walking properly.

Things will get easier as you get older.

Although none of us will ever grow out of being autistic, life experiences will eventually get you to the point where you can develop and maintain a facade of normalcy whilst you're out and about. As you develop more experience with facing the world, you will also develop more self confidence and this self confidence will help to offset or at least minimize the stress that you feel when you're out and about.

Things will get better. It's just a matter of time and practice.

 

[Skye81]

The replies are great. Firstly, I will take it as a compliment that I am very young at 33. ;-) I agree that over time things change and our abilities to cope strengthen as we find easier ways or simply learn more through seeing others do it right. I have already picked up many things and actually sometimes feel that maybe given another 20 years I might just settle in myself! Let's hope sooner really..
I agree with the bit about sometimes listening to someone with a view to picking up on bits I can use later to have conversation with them. I sometimes try this. Although often I'll still forget that I meant to ask!!!! Most annoying when they bring up something before I get round to remembering to ask... I feel robbed of my (perhaps only) thing I had to ask!
And lastly... The bit about steering conversation.. with other women I am able to talk about children.. housework... but heck don't let anyone talk about fashion or celebrities or what 'everyone' is watching on TV.... or another biggie.. places to eat out and that kind of thing. People often discuss this kind of stuff and I just stand there hoping someone will beam me up.. If someone spoke to me about any of the bizarre, in depth facts as mentioned in your posts I would happily listen.. I might learn something.. and if I've no idea what you're talking about then at least you're letting me off having to talk much myself! :-D

 

[Cosmophylla]

I script most phone calls, yes.

School runs I stay in the car unless I must go into the school. Then I wear my sunglasses and it behaves as my mask. I can hide behind it and people don't know where I'm looking. It's easier to pretend I don't see them that way. But I notice I'm so self conscious of myself walking (unnatural footsteps on the ground, gait seems awkward, walking too fast or slow and everyone seems to look at me as though I've got a big sign on saying, "I'm weird!!!! Look at me!!!!) that I often get ambushed. It's usually by one of a couple of mums with whom I'm friends, so that's ok.

In shops and whatnot I usually ask wacky questions without meaning to. E.g. When I had my bloods done recently I asked the woman doing it about a policy sign that was stuck on the wall ("I noticed the sign regarding stating the full name of the patient. How long has that been policy?) and then about the different vials she used for the blood ("what is the significance of the purple lid as opposed to the yellow one?"). I learn interesting stuff and it gives me something to say. I tend to babble. Having my daughter with me is kind of useful as she's 3 and cute and people always want to talk to her. She takes the load off me.

 

[Cosmophylla]

but heck don't let anyone talk about fashion or celebrities or what 'everyone' is watching on TV....

I know!!!!!!! Boring! I'd rather talk about snails or organ transplants or something!

 

[Suzanne]

I am not a mum and so, with a huge sigh of relief, I do not have to endure that, but know that if I were, it would feel like being at school as a child all over again and wow that would be hard work!

I have been on the school run with my sister, who is not an aspie, and could feel myself shielding back from the pretty pretentious air around us!

It is a bit easier where I live ie in France, because there is only so many French words I can say ( although I can speak pretty ok in French) at a cashier's till but yes, I actually can feel myself panic because of the idea that it is the "done thing" to talk.

I find walking passed someone to be horrendous, because my natural instinct is to be friendly, but I don't want to be friendly lol

Love it when the sun is out, because I get an excuse to wear my sunglasses!

 

[Cosmophylla]

I go 4 to 6 months between haircuts because being there among all those girlie girls is unnerving and stressful (even though my hairdresser is really nice). It's like I can feel the estrogen seeping into my skin, and I feel that much more out of place. It helps that I have unusually blonde hair, especially for my age, so that brings some nice comments from others. Otherwise, I feel so completely androgynous around those women who gossip, play with their hair and makeup and nails, and dress impeccably feminine. Scripts help, but it never seems to be quite enough.

I cut my own hair have for 20 years, teehee.

Love it when the sun is out, because I get an excuse to wear my sunglasses!

I wear my sunglasses every day, rain or shine! All through winter.
I do find it easier to see with them on... It helps with the sensory stuff, so it's not so overwhelming.

 

[Cosmophylla]

I go 4 to 6 months between haircuts because being there among all those girlie girls is unnerving and stressful (even though my hairdresser is really nice). It's like I can feel the estrogen seeping into my skin, and I feel that much more out of place. It helps that I have unusually blonde hair, especially for my age, so that brings some nice comments from others. Otherwise, I feel so completely androgynous around those women who gossip, play with their hair and makeup and nails, and dress impeccably feminine. Scripts help, but it never seems to be quite enough.

Oh, and I should say this: enjoy being you. DogwoodTree , you are a wonderfully unique individual and is it ok to be different. Embrace the difference and the freedom. You don't need to conform. There is freedom in that. If everyone liked the same thing we would have no innovation and our human race would die.

 

[BlueConundrum]

This thread has made me realize how much I rely on my own "scripts." I actually mentioned this in another thread, but I actually like small talk, mainly because that's the "script" I started with when I first learned how to talk to people. I HAAAAAAAATE it when people don't follow the script. I must have started doing this when I was 15/16. Prior to that, I never really had friends, was bullied a LOT, and had bouts of selective mutism. Somehow I started figuring things out.

The problem is...I am not good at having lots of scripts on hand, and if something doesn't go in a way I had visualized in detail, I turn into a weirdo again.

I find my social life getting more difficult with age, but also with age I don't mind being reclusive so much either.

I don't have many friends, but I only have one guy friend. Actually, I don't think I have any "friends" because I hardly speak to anyone. It's difficult to say. I haven't seen my "best friend" in a year (in my defense, it's been a terrible year). I prefer to hang out with women, but I'm picky.

I avoid EVERYONE. I get annoyed if I end up having to share an elevator ride in my building. I have taken an extra walk around the block to avoid running into a neighbor at the door or by the mailbox.

I'm almost 37, and most people my age I know are on marriage #2 and/or they have multiple children, and they all have corporate jobs and they travel and they own cars and houses. I have...a cat? Quite a lot of video games? Really nice teeth? Frequent mental breakdowns? None of these makes for good conversation.

At some point, due to various life circumstances, it felt like it took too much effort to socialize for little payoff. High risk, low reward. That is just for me at this time in my life, though. If I were in a better place, the scales would tip a bit the other way.

It's very easy to fall out of practice. I wonder how difficult it will be to get some of my skills and tolerance back. I swear, it's like playing a musical instrument. Even if you have no natural talent whatsoever, you can still impress some people if you practice enough.

 

[DC1346]

I wonder how difficult it will be to get some of my skills and tolerance back.

I am a reclusive introvert and do not socialize with anyone outside of work.

I used to have friends but after having lost 3 different teaching jobs in Arizona due to state budget cuts, I had to move over state lines to Nevada where Culinary Arts has greater support. I taught at a rather large high school for two years which was stressful because my kitchen which had only been designed to accommodate 28 students was assigned 54 kids per class. My school which had been built to accommodate 2,200 students had some 3,300 and all of the classrooms were overcrowded - so much so that I had to give up my prep period to teach an additional class.

Over this last summer I transferred to a small rural school. My largest class has 24 students. My smallest has just 5. My stress levels have abated, so I might consider looking for a new friend in my local area ... or maybe not. It is admittedly easier to be reclusive and I'm quite comfortable with being on my own.

With this being said, I have found that all of my friends shared common interests with me. The nice thing about having common interests is that people tend to talk about these interests which really helps to narrow the parameters of any script.

In the days before computerized war games, I used to be a military miniatures buff. I'd go to regional war gaming conventions where I' battle total strangers using my division of Napoleonic French that were largely comprised of 15 mm. figurines produced by Essex and Minifigs. We didn't chit-chat about our personal lives or our jobs or about anything outside Napoleonic military history, historical tactics and armaments, figurines, and the art of painting. It was GREAT! Sadly, the advent of computerized war gaming largely killed off this hobby in the states, though it's still going strong in the United Kingdom.

How have you made friends in the past? Have you joined clubs or organizations where people share common interests?

 

[IanOSU]

I am a reclusive introvert and do not socialize with anyone outside of work.

I used to have friends but after having lost 3 different teaching jobs in Arizona due to state budget cuts, I had to move over state lines to Nevada where Culinary Arts has greater support. I taught at a rather large high school for two years which was stressful because my kitchen which had only been designed to accommodate 28 students was assigned 54 kids per class. My school which had been built to accommodate 2,200 students had some 3,300 and all of the classrooms were overcrowded - so much so that I had to give up my prep period to teach an additional class.

Over this last summer I transferred to a small rural school. My largest class has 24 students. My smallest has just 5. My stress levels have abated, so I might consider looking for a new friend in my local area ... or maybe not. It is admittedly easier to be reclusive and I'm quite comfortable with being on my own.

With this being said, I have found that all of my friends shared common interests with me. The nice thing about having common interests is that people tend to talk about these interests which really helps to narrow the parameters of any script.

In the days before computerized war games, I used to be a military miniatures buff. I'd go to regional war gaming conventions where I' battle total strangers using my division of Napoleonic French that were largely comprised of 15 mm. figurines produced by Essex and Minifigs. We didn't chit-chat about our personal lives or our jobs or about anything outside Napoleonic military history, historical tactics and armaments, figurines, and the art of painting. It was GREAT! Sadly, the advent of computerized war gaming largely killed off this hobby in the states, though it's still going strong n the United Kingdom.

How have you made friends in the past? Have you joined clubs or organizations where people share common interests?

View attachment 20578

I imagine it's great that your profession is culinary arts, people love to talk about food!

I had close friends that were like family in high school, haven't talked to them in a while, my Facebook kept getting the "where have you been" posts.

However, my closest friend was this guy in college. we lived in the same dorm freshman year and been roommates ever since. he was the polar opposite of me, very out going, very popular, always the center of attention. not a thinker but a talker, had no filter at all and nothing bothered him. did not hold back emotions in anyway, he just dumped it all out. I told him about my aspie traits and this guys literally could not understand any of them. pretty strange that we got so close. I think the fact that we both were very childish has alot to do with it. jokes and alot of immature stuff when we hung out. and we both were very competitive in sports. I would say I was pretty socialable in college because of this guy. but I was still stressed around ppl.

anybody else feels stressed/self conscious even around your close friends?

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

DC1346 that's beautiful. I love miniatures of grand-scale things.

Your remark about how friendship with people sharing similar interests constrains scripts is interesting, and useful; I've been struggling a bit with that. It unlocks a problem I hadn't recognized with a difficult dynamic: the person I like, but share little with. That friendship just eroded away for no obvious reason, until your sentence lit it from within.

I had a friend who went to Atlanta to study culinary arts. He waxed rhapsodic about how changing the cut of a vegetable could change the experience of its flavor, and its outcomes from the pan. My very limited experience proves how right he was, with the humble onion (although his theme at the time was carrots).

 

[DC1346]

I imagine it's great that your profession is culinary arts, people love to talk about food!

AH! (Hand slap to the head) Thank you for this! I don't know how I missed this but you're right, most people like to eat. I now have a starter topic for conversations other than something as bland and boring as the weather. Food is much more interesting than the weather ... though weather usually plays a factor in what I'm serving i.e. crisp cold salads during the height of the summer or warm hearty soups or stews with freshly baked bread in the winter.

Honestly ... thank you! I feel like an idiot for this oversight.