For those of you who found a loving partner

[AspergerianYogi]

How did you do it? How long did it take? What demons/battles did you have to overcome in order to meet the person you were looking for? Right now, I'm trying to meet someone with whom I can build a relationship based on shared interests and values, and mostly encountering individuals who are struggling with some pretty serious drama, including ongoing battles with mental health and/or family instability. Or, at best, they're just immature in a way that I know would really trigger my own insecurities and imperfections and amplify them to a point where I'd forget who I am and what and who I care about most. I'm no saint - I struggled really hard throughout my twenties with all of those issues and am so grateful to have come out on the other side of this feeling like I can can now be considerate toward others and appreciate them and the time I spend with them. But when I meet others who I'm attracted to who are my age and still up ****'s creek without a paddle, I just go right back to feeling like I'll never escape my past of seeing myself as damaged goods and in turn being deserving of someone who also feels this way.

Is this an Aspie thing or a common human thing? I know that there's a stereotype about people on the spectrum having difficulty with relationships but I mean I feel like it shouldn't be THIS hard to meet people who have the skill set to demonstrate their good qualities.

 

[RidingDutchman]

Im currently in a really happy relationship, going for almost 2 years now and doesn't seem like it will end any time soon and for advice...

To be honest I can't say much more than you need luck. I met her at a party of a friend, to which I almost didn't go because I didn't feel like it. Afterwards I started chatting with her and not even a month later we had a relationship and I feel like I'm mostly really lucky.

I don't think it is possible to find people without problems from the past, everybody has them. The people you think have too many issues that infect you, probably think you have too many issues because you take them that much to heart.

What I personally believe is that it is perhaps smart to see if there might be some way to stop that triggering? Perhaps through therapy if you haven't tried? It could help in many aspects in life.

And aside from that, you basically just have to wait and hope for the right person to come by, it's not really something you can force to happen and I have struggled with that for many years as well.

I hope this has been any help and if I have completely missed the point, you are always free to ask more specific questions, I'm a pretty open book.

 

[AspergerianYogi]

I don't think it is possible to find people without problems from the past, everybody has them. The people you think have too many issues that infect you, probably think you have too many issues because you take them that much to heart.

I have heard that before, but not quite in those words - that was actually really helpful! Thank you! And I am well-aware that when two people meet each other they also have a history to uncover about each other (if they so choose to) and that those histories have made them whom they are now.

Have tried therapy - still see my therapist weekly, she's been an awesomely stabilizing force in my life.

 

[AspergerianYogi]

We met by accident, on my birthday. He was playing classical guitar in my living room when I returned home from a date. My roommate and he were in a class together and she had invited him and several other people over for dinner. Went in and sat down to listen, and immediately liked being around him. At the time he was very different from the men I was seeing, who were mainly interested in the way I looked and were quite a bit older.

The following weeks after, we met in a 'safe' group of friends doing things together, frisbee in the park, a day canoe trip, a student spaghetti night, a weekend philosophy seminar, a chess club tournament. We eventually got to know one another through these activities a little at a time. After a year or so, I went away to work for the summer in a relatively well-paid job that my brother had found, needing to earn money to go to school full time. We wrote letters to one another most of that summer, while he worked in a chemical factory, I worked cooking on an oil rig. We both saved every cent we made, and when I returned we eventually moved in together.

We come from similar backgrounds, similar income levels, similar religions. Probably the reason why we got on so well together.
At the time he and I had no idea about any 'limits' that we may or may not have had, no idea about autism or other associated difficulties. We considered ourselves as normal, everyday people, not different or distinct from anyone else. The challenges we faced in life and in our relationship we considered usual, some we overcame, others we worked through as much as we could. We've known one another since 1980, and I've rarely regretted that first encounter and the subsequent friendship and eventual relationship.

Thank you for sharing.

 

[wyverary]

To be perfectly frank, I think chance has more to do with it than anything. I'm in a long-distance QP partnership, going out to visit her next month. I can't even remember how we met! I'm aromantic asexual, and I've had the occasional person hit on me, but either I'm too oblivious to notice, or when I do notice, I have the wherewithal (eventually, at least; it might take a good deal of thought and courage) to let them know that I am not interested. Obviously, under different circumstances, I would probably pounce upon the opportunity. How often do you go out, and where, if at all? I would suggest online dating, but I don't have much faith in that, myself, especially for those of us who honestly describe ourselves (as well we should...better to not have to drop potentially unpleasant surprises on your date, or bypass whatever prejudices they might have).

Even though I'm not looking for any sort of relationship, save maybe some intensely platonic ones, it's either happenstance...say, meeting up with an old friend, and forming a close bond with his girlfriend (true story)...or, by putting oneself out of their comfort zone, in some sort of formal or semi-formal setting (I attend a UU church where I have, for better or for worse, been hit upon).

I wish I had better advice...there is probably someone more qualified than I to answer. After all, I'm only answering this question because I have experience and opinions...it doesn't mean that my advice is any good at all.

 

[midlife aspie]

You will have to step out of your comfort zone. Period. If you want to meet different people, you will have to do different things.
Whatever you do, DO NOT let the actions of others influence how you see yourself!
"No one can hurt me without my permission" - Gandhi

 

[Harpagornis_X]

How did you do it? - Met him where we hang out all the time. At first I didnt get to know him till someone told me "Get to know him" so I did. Im glad they advised on such an issue.

How long did it take? - 6 Months. I know, quick but we are only in the friendship stage of our relationship. In December this year, 2 years we would have been together.

What demons/battles did you have to overcome in order to meet the person you were looking for? - None. I didn't know what I wanted and when I did, I still wanted a boyfriend because of the fact I have had 2 past boyfriends but in a way I guess I stopped looking as I knew with the one I have, I knew I had found the one.

 

[Mr. Jones]

I'm engaged to a woman that I have dated for 3 years now .

How did you do it? - We connected online through a shared interest in politics and world events. She would routinely write comments the size of a small book on the articles and analyses I posted on the blog I had then.

How long did it take? - Finding the right woman was a long and difficult journey. Back in high school, I was hospitalized for attempted suicide, believing that there was no way that any female could love me. Really, I had the luxury of being able to say that no woman I had ever met in person had ever liked me; it simply never happened. Every date, every time I tried to connect with a woman the inevitable result was to never hear from her again. Eventually I said to myself, "F*** women, I'm done with trying to be accepted by them," and went on living my own life learning to live life as best I could while being single. Around that time is when I connected with the woman whom would become my fiancee.

What demons/battles did you have to overcome in order to meet the person you were looking for? - Attempted suicide, self-harm, depression, self-hatred, hospitalization, drug abuse, extreme anxiety, isolation, about every type of mental illness that exists.

Finding the right person I believe comes down to chance and how you choose to live your own life. No amount of searching dating sites endlessly, visiting bars, etc. can make up for simply doing what you love and living your own life as best you can. I didn't find my fiancee by looking for her, I found her while doing what I love (writing about politics) and living my own life as best I can.

You can't force it to happen or logically explain why it happens. My advice would be to keep putting yourself out there, but not in an environment you don't feel is suitable for you, in an environment that makes sense to you. If you love video games, do something that forces you to interact with others that love video games, for example. In my case I pursued my interest in politics and connected with someone else interested in politics.