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Feeling embarrassed about my problems

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Oz67

Well-Known Member
I still feel very embarrassed about my anger issues in the past and talking about my dark and twisted fantasies about doing something terrible to people who made fun of me in the past. I also feel embarrassed about what I talked about in the past online, because there was police involvement as someone reported me to the police due to my past behavior online. I once had voices in my head telling me to do those things to people who made fun of me in the past and was in a psychiatric hospital to treat my voices in my head, but still, I feel ashamed of myself.

I know that this was two years ago, but every time I remember what I said online and even the voices that I had, I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself, I am sorry!
 
It's good that you got some help and learned from your past. You were dealing with some very tough things - no need to hold on to shame for mistakes made. Maybe it's time to forgive yourself now that you are in a better place.
 
Rodafina said:
It's good that you got some help and learned from your past. You were dealing with some very tough things - no need to hold on to shame for mistakes made. Maybe it's time to forgive yourself now that you are in a better place.
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Hey thanks! 😊
 
You have been through a lot and its good that you can now speak about things, and know that it is normal to feel angry and hurt and distressed when we've been bullied. It sounds like you then had a breakdown, too, which must have been very hard for you.

It's great that you have recovered over the last 2 years, and I hope you can find activities and friends or colleagues perhaps, who will reassure and support you now. You clearly understand what happened and are sorry if you overstepped the line while you were dealing with all those difficulties.

What kind of things do you do now, that you enjoy? Do you have support from others?
 
Thinx said:
You have been through a lot and its good that you can now speak about things, and know that it is normal to feel angry and hurt and distressed when we've been bullied. It sounds like you then had a breakdown, too, which must have been very hard for you.

It's great that you have recovered over the last 2 years, and I hope you can find activities and friends or colleagues perhaps, who will reassure and support you now. You clearly understand what happened and are sorry if you overstepped the line while you were dealing with all those difficulties.

What kind of things do you do now, that you enjoy? Do you have support from others?
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I enjoy studying Photography and songs, such as; Savage Love, Middle, The Middle, Poker Face, Stressed Out, Me, Myself and I, Love Yourself, and much much more :)
 
Photography is a fascinating interest, and it can get you talking with others. Plus you enjoy music and songs too.These interests could help you meet friends, too.
 
I know this is a cliche and sounds new-agey and trite, but you need to forgive yourself.

It's ok to be embarrassed. In fact, it's great that you're embarrassed. It would be worrisome if you were not. But then you have to move on and do your best to never be that person again.

So perhaps make an effort to change your mindset? Accept you're embarrassed, which is justified and fine, and then accept that you're going to forgive yourself because the past is the past and the embarrassing feeling will help you not be that person again. In other words, move on from embarrassing is bad to embarrassing is good.
 
marc_101 said:
I know this is a cliche and sounds new-agey and trite, but you need to forgive yourself.

It's ok to be embarrassed. In fact, it's great that you're embarrassed. It would be worrisome if you were not. But then you have to move on and do your best to never be that person again.

So perhaps make an effort to change your mindset? Accept you're embarrassed, which is justified and fine, and then accept that you're going to forgive yourself because the past is the past and the embarrassing feeling will help you not be that person again. In other words, move on from embarrassing is bad to embarrassing is good.
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Thanks 😊
 
I understand how you feel. I get embarrassed too. Before I went on Sertraline some 10 years ago, I was like so placid, chilled, laid-back and easy-going when I was with friends or dates, and little did they know I was prone to rage outbursts at home around my family. I'd be triggered by something (usually depression-related, such as RSD or FOMO) and sometimes it'd send me into an out of control state of anger, yelling profanities at my family and doing all I could to hurt their feelings because the adrenaline was so overwhelming that at the time I didn't care how upset I was making my family, even though I always regretted it afterwards and I never meant any of what I said to them. Luckily for me they forgave me naturally because that's the supportive, lovable family that they are, but that just made me feel even more guilty for taking all my emotional issues out on them when they didn't deserve it.
I knew that if any of my friends or dates knew how I behaved at home and how I treated my family during an outburst they'd probably hate me or think I had split personalities. But I wasn't schizophrenic or anything, I just...I don't even know. I feel so embarrassed about it now, and also afraid to come off Sertraline in case I start becoming unable to control anger again. But I don't really like being reliant on meds, as it does cost me nearly £10 a month.
 
Misty Avich said:
I understand how you feel. I get embarrassed too. Before I went on Sertraline some 10 years ago, I was like so placid, chilled, laid-back and easy-going when I was with friends or dates, and little did they know I was prone to rage outbursts at home around my family. I'd be triggered by something (usually depression-related, such as RSD or FOMO) and sometimes it'd send me into an out of control state of anger, yelling profanities at my family and doing all I could to hurt their feelings because the adrenaline was so overwhelming that at the time I didn't care how upset I was making my family, even though I always regretted it afterwards and I never meant any of what I said to them. Luckily for me they forgave me naturally because that's the supportive, lovable family that they are, but that just made me feel even more guilty for taking all my emotional issues out on them when they didn't deserve it.
I knew that if any of my friends or dates knew how I behaved at home and how I treated my family during an outburst they'd probably hate me or think I had split personalities. But I wasn't schizophrenic or anything, I just...I don't even know. I feel so embarrassed about it now, and also afraid to come off Sertraline in case I start becoming unable to control anger again. But I don't really like being reliant on meds, as it does cost me nearly £10 a month.
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That makes sense.
 
@Misty Avich spooky how similar that sounds to me. I'm like a volcano, calm for years but prone to a sudden eruption if the right trigger comes along or the pressure builds long enough.
 
My outbursts happened maybe about 6-7 times a year, sometimes months between them, other times a few could occur in one month.
 
Mine would be more if I wasn't safely isolated away from people and I wasnt lucky enough to have a doctor I can contact to say "I'm feeling like I'm losing it"
 
I am sorry if I sounded a bit antisocial, but I don't really have empathy for people who made fun of me in the past, but I don't want to go to prison, so I learned to control my anger issues.

I feel so embarrassed 😞

I was so angry that I had a delusional belief that murdering my former bullies is the answer. I also had a command hallucination telling me to murder my former bullies and I turned myself into a psychiatric facility.

I don't want the SWAT team coming to my house, I am trying my best to behave.
 
It sounds like you are strongly aware of possible risks and that you are making sure you get the help and support you need. I don't see why you would need to be embarrassed about that. Handling your mental health in a careful and responsible way is a skill and you are doing it well. I hope you are getting some helpful input?
 
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