Dysfunctional Families

[andrewpd]

I come from a dysfunctional family and I am wondering what might be symptoms of autism and what might be responses to the dysfunction.

Also I am having an assessment in a few weeks and they ideally want testimony from a family member or friend who knew me as a child but I don't want my family involved.

For example I grew up in a Branch of the Plymouth Brethren a strict religious sect like a cult and I had to attend church up to five times a week throughout childhood. My parents had a bad relationship and were not affectionate and were very strict. I also struggled growing up gay in this environment. I was bullied in school and elsewhere but my parents didn't know much about this and my mum can't remember a lot of things I tell her and doesn't think our childhood was abnormal (it seems).

Still I have distinct "symptoms" of autism. But I seem to be better at analysing my own behaviour and remembering things than anyone else. I have (unfortunately) spent so much time reflecting on/reliving my childhood.

 

[Tom]

Autistics aren't only lacking in areas. They are also often/usually strong in others, sometimes exceeding NTs noticably.

Childhood and its effects is a huge factor in one's development and will be likely having an influence for your entire lifetime. But if one can come to grips with it honestly and learn how it is effecting you, can can make choices to break free from negative effects and choose positive directions. This is for all people NT or Aspie.

Autism is a 'whole nother ball of wax', with it's own effects and issues. The two (childhood and autism) occur simultaneously of course and one effects the other. Hopefully the medical professionals will be helpful in determining whether autism is a factor or not. Be aware that many professionals are decidedly uninformed and have misconceptions themselves on ASD and use 2nd opinions if you doubt what you are hearing.

The trick to these things is figuring out with thoughts, when the autism is the influence, or a problem from childhood, or its your true self. Its not easy and is why it has been said self knowledge is the most difficult thing to attain.

 

[andrewpd]

I don't know if families are always involved in an autism assessment in some way. I asked the service and they did say some other people didn't want family involved.

I think my parents were too self absorbed and absorbed in religion to be assessing how their children felt. So I don't want the assessment sabotaged my them misrepresenting my childhood.

But it will be awkward talking about my childhood as well. For example our parents used to spank us or hit us on the hand with a stick if they thought we were naughty and I used to be very frightened of this as a child and would lock myself in the toilet for over an hour to avoid getting hit. But I was the only child of 6 that responded like this and I was the only one that suffered from chronic anxiety.

But despite the fact family remember me locking myself in the toilet they say they didn't know I suffered anxiety.

I think autism spectrum symptoms made be react badly to the childhood religious indoctrination in many ways and I think I was bullied in school because I didn't seem normal and I remember feeling alienated.

 

[Gritches]

You spend a lot of time reflecting on your childhood because you're trying to make sense of it. It probably doesn't make sense to a logical mind a lot of the things that happened to you. That's where belief, whose foundations are outside of logic, tends to cock things up when a school of logic informed by belief rather than fact are the building blocks of any particular society's norms and mores.

ANYWHO, I also come from a dysfunctional family, but that really seems to be the norm. Maybe it's a "vocal minority" thing, but I've only met a few Aspies out of thousands that claim to come from a loving, nuclear family that understood them and loved them despite their differences and difficulties.

 

[FreeDiver]

I really came from a highly dysfunctional family. But here's the thing. It was autism that caused my family to become dysfunctional. Not the other way around. Most of my family I think was on the spectrum. I don't see autism being caused by growing up in a dysfunctional family.

 

[andrewpd]

I don't think autism is caused by a dysfunctional family but it does make it confusing when you have to work out what is a result of childhood experiences and what is a result of your brain.

I think I have made that distinction to some extent. But I am still unsure about some symptoms.
The problem with mental health and cognitive issues is that they can have common symptoms.

But I am interested to hear about what extent family were involved if at all in an assessment. I got a long questionnaire they wanted a family member to fill out.

 

[JB2018]

Is there a sibling you can ask to participate?

 

[Otenba]

Hello all, particularly andrewpd.

Even though my dysfunctional family experience isn't the same as yours, I definitely can relate to how conflicted you are feeling. I honestly cannot wait for my assessment to be done so I can get some clarification around this sort of thing.

I almost did not have my family involved at all with my assessment process, but as the waiting time passed, I managed to salvage somewhat of a relationship with my mother and one of my siblings, despite my decision to cut ties after being treated like a scapegoat by family for years.

Thankfully that sibling felt the same way I did about how toxic our family was and has picked up on some health problems caused by it in themselves, and my mother is slowly cottoning on to what we are discussing, and she is at least expressing guilt like everything is her fault in response. It's not all her fault, but that's just how she is.

When my mother contacted me, I told her about my autism assessment wait and as time has passed, she seems to be wondering if she might be autistic as well. She is a self diagnosed dyslexic, after my father did some training at work and diagnosed her, and I agree with her dyslexia self diagnosis. The sibling who reached out to me does have diagnosed dyslexia. They do not seem to think they might be autistic too though, and I don't know what I think of this.

Looking back through my childhood, I think it's possible at least one of my other siblings is autistic if I am. I do have a co-morbid auto immune disability which strengthens my belief that I am possibly autistic as well. The idea of me being autistic came from my husband doing training at work and recognising me in what he was learning, so we started the process to get me assessed.

My mother was kind enough to complete the relative form (to get an idea on what I was like between the ages 4 to 10) for my assessment, with help from my father who I never want to see again. My mother might also come with me to my assessment as well but until I know the date, can't say for sure yet.

 

[Mary Anne]

I come from a dysfunctional family”... “my mum can't remember a lot of things I tell her and doesn't think our childhood was abnormal (it seems).

Unfortunately, it’s very common for parents to be in denial of abuse, chaos, unusual events, and trauma issues in their home. My own father, who came home from work every single night, still denied any abuse happening in our home when I was a child. Around ten years ago, I explained it all, and he did not believe me, even though he was right there for several physical abuse situations! It was only after he asked my older brother who verified it, that he did believe.

I have worked with several adult women who experienced extreme sexual abuse in their childhood homes. They would tell their mothers, who deny to this very day that they had nothing but a very normal, happy home life.

So yes, understand, that this is something a lot of parents do!

 

[andrewpd]

To put things in more context I am 42 this month and my mum and dad are 77 and 84 respectively.
I have been given an informant questionnaire which they ideally want a parent to fill in.

Here is an example of some of the questions:

How did they like to play in childhood?
In childhood where there any sensations or feelings they particularly disliked?
Where they bullied in school or college?
Were there any difficult periods during his/her childhood? (e.g.,bereavements, domestic violence, divorce, moving house.)

I don't think my parents paid attention to their 6 children's traits when we were young. I didn't get the impression they were sensitive to their children's needs partly because they were very authoritarian and obsessed with religion and quite self centered. They also argued with each other a lot. I don't know if they would answer the last question truthfully.

My parents didn't know I was bullied in school but my mum knew about some bullying in my local area but I didn't really confide in my parents because I was intimidated by them.

 

[andrewpd]

Is there a sibling you can ask to participate?

The questions don't seem suitable for my siblings. I have a similar problem to them as with my parents where they can't remember a lot of important childhood events. I seem to be the person in the family that thought about things the most.

This is one of the more disturbing memories I have that I think captures my families dysfunction.
My mother believed along with the church that it was wrong to do shopping on a Sunday.
I think they compared it to a story in the bible were someone was stoned to death for picking up sticks on the sabbath.
One day when I was in my early teens I stupidly decided to buy some sweets from the garage next to church, on a Sunday, with some money my brother had given to me for my birthday the next day.
My mum saw the sweets in my pocket and started yelling at me and crying about what a terrible thing I had done. When we got home she refused to wrap up my birthday presents and threw them on my bed and was still angry and moody the next day through my birthday. My oldest sister taunted me and also refused to wrap up my present and told me that it was only very cheap. I was very upset at the time and crying.

When I mention things like this to my family they say they can't remember.

P.S. Sorry for my autobiographical ramblings I do have a problem of having so many memories like this I remember to well.

There are so many incidents that could contribute to psychological problems.

 

[JB2018]

P.S. Sorry for my autobiographical ramblings I do have a problem of having so many memories like this I remember to well.

There are so many incidents that could contribute to psychological problems.

No need to apologize! I didn't really understand how bad it was for you.
Sounds like your childhood was hellish in so many ways .
Congratulations for being willing to do the work necessary to free yourself!

 

[tlc]

ANYWHO, I also come from a dysfunctional family, but that really seems to be the norm. Maybe it's a "vocal minority" thing, but I've only met a few Aspies out of thousands that claim to come from a loving, nuclear family that understood them and loved them despite their differences and difficulties.

Not just aspies, but I think that's the case with anybody anymore. I knew of few and far between that come from a family where everybody gets along.