Don't seem autistic

[WereBear]

Two of my coworkers like to joke about their (and mine) autistic traits, I joke along with it because I honestly think it's great to talk about real life issues for me in a joking way. I'm still not sure whether they're 100% joking or just indirectly asking me whether I am on the spectrum. Funny thing is, I'm fairly sure they are Aspies too.

Sounds like maybe you are all struggling with the same thing?

Now that I know how many people get diagnosed later in life, how many of us come up with ways to "pass" and how much it cross connects with a category we might call "intellectual enjoyment of something" I now figure "autistic traits" might not be confined to someone who can be diagnosed on the autism spectrum?

What if some people are 60/40 or something? There isn't an "autism gene," there are hundreds of them.

 

[WereBear]

But since you did ask about practical responses, I would saying something mild and noncommittal, like "Everyone has different talents and abilities," or "It has helped me understand the way I think."

Part of this is why they are saying that; what do they mean? This can be tough to figure out. They could just be blurting out the fact they are surprised, but in NT fashion, they can't say what they really mean

I know those of us who "pass" well would be the most likely to get this reaction, but honestly, in a world where displaying any personality at all is suspect, no one is safe!

 

[Suzanne]

Just today, I met another female aspie and it was only because I had been told she was an aspie, did I know she was, because she looked normal and amazingly a lady of my age, said: Suzanne has aspergers too. Since I discovered aspergers, that is the first time someone else has mentioned it.

People do have misconceptions of what aspergers is and imagines all kinds of horrors. But like yourself, I do not show all my trait. I stim a little bit, but I have noticed that nts also stim ie bouncing their leg up and down, but not as much as me.

Yes, it is only when people take the time to get to know me, that they recognise I am different from the "normal" person.

I have found it hard with a comeback, when someone says: you don't look autistic; are you sure you are? Or, oh we all get that!

I dread being in nt's company and very soon, today, will be, so on goes that mask.

 

[Suzanne]

I often get "You don't look Autistic."
My response is always that I wasn't aware that Autism had a particular "look." :/ That just goes to show how naive some people can be about Autism and how little they actually know.

I think a fair amount of NTs expect every Autistic person to be low-functioning and are surprised that most are actually rather articulate and intelligent.

With classic autism, it is obvious they have it. Their face does reveal their issue, but with aspergers, I believe that the higher one is on the spectrum, the more they look different.

I do look normal, until people speak to me lol

 

[Ambi]

So this is an issue I've come across a few times now, since my diagnosis. People sometimes tell me that I don't seem autistic or I don't act any different than others. I have a hard time trying to understand what to say in these situations. Hmm, let me give an example.

I am in a work program and the boss of the place I work at knows I am autistic (she is a partner in this program). I had been working for her for a few days when she asked me if she could ask me a personal question. She wondered when I was diagnosed, and when I asked why she wanted to know that, she told me I was a model employee and didn't seem to have any issues. I didn't know how to explain to her about my difficulties.

By the way, I can hide some of the more disruptive behaviour when I am not stressed or overwhelmed, especially for the 5-hour shifts I get. Probably why I seemed neurotypical to her.

People close to me, those who spend more than a couple hours at a time with me, notice my behaviour (even if they don't know what brings it on). I don't know if maybe I'm just really good at hiding my 'quirks' or what, but I've had a few people say similar things before. I don't know how to explain it, and I would like to be able to give an answer. I do understand that I can just say it is personal but I would like to be able to say something if I choose.

I don't think most people would believe that I was on the spectrum either. Your post holds the keys - you can mask certain things when you are not stressed or overwhelmed and people need to observe you for longer periods to be able to detect anything unusual. And of course, the fact that there is a range - a spectrum. So the situations that stress you enough to cause your symptoms to become disruptive may be very different than for someone who can't even work due to the inability to deal with sensory overload or other things. I honestly just don't tell people - it's not something I want to have to persuade people of, and I also don't want them making false assumptions about me based on their flawed understandings of it all. I think if you are able to be in a work environment that doesn't stress you out enough to trigger disruptive behaviors, good for you!

 

[Katleya]

I love this so much I'd embroider it on a pillow. If I embroidered, and if it wasn't so long

But that's what my response would be: "So you don't know very much about it?"

This actually made my day when I woke up, and then I realized I should let you know. Thank you, WereBear.
I guess we could shorten it to "People mistake their ignorance (on autism) for knowledge".
I still wouldn't be able to embroider it and have a pretty results, though, so if anyone is ever feeling crafty...

 

[AshleyDS]

This is why I don't tell most people. They will either think I'm misdiagnosed OR that I'm using it as a "get out of jail free card".

I come off as NT in structured environments when I can script my way through, so short interactions, interviews, first meetings, job requirements etc.

It takes a while for people to notice something is off - even then, they put it down to "quirkiness" or me just being an irritating loud person or alternatively a stuck up b****. (I can alternate between loud monologuing and complete silence with single word sentences only)

Most of my preferred stims are not socially appropriate, so I usually do 2 socially appropriate ones at the same time when out in public - I just come of as fidgety.

As for eye contact, I look at peoples mouths and from what my family says, they couldn't really tell.

Only close family and people that really dislike me would agree with the diagnosis - I think the average person just finds me a little weird but not weird enough to be considered disfunctional.

Most of my issues are hidden from years of my family suppressing them.

My rule for the future for me is to disclose it to people ONLY as it comes up - none of their business otherwise - I find regardless of disclosure it won't change people's opinions about me, it just means most will treat me like a child instead (which although I FEEL like a 10 year old, I don't want to be treated like one)

 

[Full Steam]

You know you have made it when you get to make the rules that others have to follow

...and then don't follow them yourself because you can't remember them!

I've done that so many time, it's embarrassing.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I had a coworker actually suggest to me that I might have Asperger's - well, we've worked together for over five years, so even though I started out hiding my quirks the mask slipped out eventually. Once that moment has been reached, I could never fake it again - I just kept on coming to work with all my fears, anxieties, whiny attitude, tantrums, self-hatred, so on so on - and it all just kept on slipping out. Other coworkers started working there later and I could just sense how my relationship with them has gradually been slipping; one of them started out "idolizing" me but eventually it stopped. She is still nice to me and cares about me, but I could just tell how much I've driven her insane over the years. That initial idolization just stopped showing itself, yet it never stopped showing one thing - the fact that the mask is always there until I let it slip. Those other coworkers did not tell me that I "don't have Asperger's" when I first mentioned to them that I could in fact have it.

As for the few friends I've managed to make, it seems like I hide these things from them better than I hid them from the coworkers, but perhaps it's only because I've known them for a shorter period of time. One of them started out as a coworker but he only worked with us for 4 months, and that only indicates that they've been able to be less exposed to me than my current coworkers. So far so good, they all think I'm a really awesome dude but they all told me that they don't think I have Asperger's - and that's probably because I've been hiding most of my quirks from them, since I'm always worried about losing them. Another reason for this is probably because they don't know 100% everything about the disorder yet. They only see my immaturity, neediness, anxieties, and lack of social skills. Plus, I also haven't told them about my former streetlight and sprinkler interests - I didn't want them to think that I was too weird; I embarrass very easily. They've never seen me exhibit the tantrums, self-hatred and pure negative attitude, and of course the meltdowns. I don't want them to leave me and make me feel even worse; God forbid if that ever happened I would most definitely go into full-blown depression. I've always thought of myself as a walking trainwreck and don't want these friends to have such an impression of me. I had enough college crap to deal with in my past.

Anyway, once these friends all doubted that I have Asperger's, I've explained it to them in more detail and I revealed to them my special interests from childhood. They've already known about my fascination with construction sites because that's still going on right now. I don't think they're doubting it now, and I did tell them all that my doc thinks I have it. All of these people - coworkers and friends - they all watch me struggle either fully or to a degree, and they all want to see me do better and I appreciate it very much - but I don't know, I still don't want to exhibit all the extreme stuff in front of them (at least the friends, the coworkers have already seen like 95% of me minus meltdowns), like the childish tantrums and severe meltdowns...now I'm wondering if I should just be 100% myself in front of them or if that will risk them leaving me (literally, and in a depression).

 

[AshleyDS]

I think it might also be people's idea of what AS/ASD really is.

I mean, lately I have been having a really hard time reigning myself in at work. To the point I got hung up on by a government worker, so my response was a meltdown.. . At work... with 15 witnesses.
I slammed down my phone, yelled the c word then stomped out of the office all the while grunting and holding my head.

This isn't the first public work meltdown (I have had 3 in a year and a half)

My coworkers still don't think I'm autistic....

 

[Jet Weiss]

I should have mentioned before, while people seem to think I don't "look" Autistic, my mannerisms, way of speaking, and behaviour are all dead giveaways and are quite classic to Asperger's.

 

[Streetwise]

embroidery machines are amazing

 

[Nitro]

...and then don't follow them yourself because you can't remember them!

I've done that so many time, it's embarrassing.

I could see where that could be a problem,but can't say as I have done that a lot.

 

[Judge]

...and then don't follow them yourself because you can't remember them!

I've done that so many time, it's embarrassing.

That's one thing I really appreciated about insurance underwriting. Virtually all those "rules" which could make or break someone were in writing. So it was just a matter of properly interpreting them most of the time, apart from not overtly exceeding my authority which was also in writing.

 

[Darius]

I heard I don' look sby, autistic or LGBT. When I called out a friend (one of those who said that) I heard that her friend's son is Aspie and I don't behave this way. Despite being almost 40 I got twice compared go elementary pupils. Yup, they think comparing me to boys 6 times younger than me is valid. I let it go both times, no need to argue.
It's the same with me being shy or looking lgbt. They have some mind of image in mind and stick to it. I think there is nothing you can do to change theirs opinion.
What you can do? Ignore. I think nothing else works anyway.

 

[Katleya]

In that movie, Rainman, isn't Dustin Hoffman's character supposed to be an Aspie, or at least autistic?
It was hugely popular at some point, and I think for most people, especially aged 40 and above, it set the standard of what Aspies are supposed to look and act like. So now, everyone is expecting us to be a savant, and yet nobody has yet taken either one of us (correct me if I'm wrong) on a trip to Vegas to count cards and make money.

Another case of why we need to have more of a voice in the depiction of all things autistic: if we don't write the script, somebody else will, and chances are, they'll be writing utter nonsense, but then people will think it's canon, and there you go.
(I may or may not still be mad that an NT has dismissed my idea that 2 particular female characters on TV were Aspies)

 

[Ambi]

Something else to keep in mind - even many medical professionals, including psychiatrists and psychologists, don't understand what an Aspie looks like!

 

[Streetwise]

no i think lower end of high functioning but savants are misunderstood as being genius

In that movie, Rainman, isn't Dustin Hoffman's character supposed to be an Aspie, or at least autistic?
It was hugely popular at some point, and I think for most people, especially aged 40 and above, it set the standard of what Aspies are supposed to look and act like. So now, everyone is expecting us to be a savant, and yet nobody has yet taken either one of us (correct me if I'm wrong) on a trip to Vegas to count cards and make money.

Another case of why we need to have more of a voice in the depiction of all things autistic: if we don't write the script, somebody else will, and chances are, they'll be writing utter nonsense, but then people will think it's canon, and there you go.
(I may or may not still be mad that an NT has dismissed my idea that 2 particular female characters on TV were Aspies)

 

[Lellynelly]

Reading this thread describes the thing I most woryy about. I am a 51 year old female and currently self diagnosed. I went for a formal diagnosis in April after a close friend who has only known me a couple of years suggested that ASD may well be the root of all my emotional and social issues. (She has 2 autistic sons) My doctor happily referred me and I heard from the Aspergers Service 4 weeks later. I filled in the AQ 50, EQ, and relatives questionnaires that they sent and returned them. I have heard through the post today that I fit the criteria for a full diagnostic assessment, but there is an 18 month waiting list! My husband asked why I was so disappointed. I explained that I would really like to tell my close friends and family that I am autistic but I have heard so many people in all walks of life use the phrase 'we are all a bit autistic' because they don't understand the massive inner difficulties that being on the spectrum actually causes in every day life. I feel that I will not be believed, or I will be belittled by one of those stupid phrases because I look 'normal' . Whereas once I get a formal diagnosis I will be able to say 'No, I actually AM autistic!' and they will have to take seriously the difficulties I face every day.

 

[Plant13]

That topic hits home.

I got the "You don't look autistic" from my boss last year. He's somehow lucky that he followed up with something even worse* that just caused me to go blank, because I remember vividly that I was about to retort that yeah, and he didn't look stupid, yet here we are (I can be a little rude when caught off-guard. OK, not true: I can be very nice when adequately prepared and focused, but my default setting is "blunt and snarky").

I got another "You don't look autistic" last week from a doctor whom I was seeing to discuss disability status for another condition, to which I replied the stupidest thing ever: "I know, but the wall is too far behing for me to bang my head repeatedly against it, so I understand that you were fooled", and the only way I can explain why I would say such a thing is because she had hurt me badly during the physical exam, seemed fairly incompetent and definitely adverse. Yes, she was taken aback. But she actually opened up after that, so maybe I should try to be rude to people more often

Usually, I just follow up that crappy comment with a simple yet firm "And what exactly is 'autistic' supposed to look like?", because at some point, people have to acknowledge their prejudice, and recognize that they know very little about autism. I found this to be the best way to start that conversation, but it does make them uneasy. Sadly, I'm only able to do that when I'm not in an overly stressful situation, otherwise I just blurt out random things or shut up, flabbergasted.

I'm not sure I'm past the point of being offended by that remark. I know it comes from a place of ignorance rather than meanness, but I'm still annoyed that the people who utter that phrase mistake their ignorance, or incomplete knowledge, of autism, for actual knowledge of it. And I'm especially annoyed when they think they know better than me.


* That fjhggrtgt of a boss followed up with "Well, as long as you don't bring a rifle to work and shoot us all dead, it's OK, though".

A medical doctor on call at my regular office didn't read the bold print at the top of my report ANXIETY PATIENT, called me a B****, and then gave me a very intimate exam. She said I 'appeared unhappy' and called the police. I am not kidding here... I walked out and drove off. I was not outspoken or loud, I cannot stop reviewing the incident searching for clues although 3 months have passed...I asked my regular doctor about it and a slew of admins raced into the room and 'advocated' the incident. Turns out an advocate IS NOT ON YOUR TEAM... an aging Aspie is a lonely and unprotected Aspie. This is my first day here I'm kind of letting it all out but its a STRUGGLE...