Do you have a difficulty with saying no?

[oskarandri]

Like me i can sometimes be a pushover and really just say yes to most things and it just kills me afterwards, share your thoughts with this thread

 

[xxjoleenxx]

OMG yes, I have an extremely tuff time telling people I don't particularly like or care to do things for no. A lot of times I have kicked myself in the ass or was like why the hell did I just say yes to that? It is very hard especially being female being assertive, and I am very passive as it is. The experience has been hard and challenging, especially since I have a son who also is on the spectrum. I have been taking my son for individual play therapy, and we do family therapy right after.... so that has helped me tremendously. I believe it would be beneficial if I got individual therapy, but with no option for health care coverage right now, I can only wait.

 

[Spinning Compass]

Absolutely! I was trained to be non-assertive. I never was penalized for submitting, only for sticking up for myself. So I learned to be passive-aggressive. I will say I will do something, then won't do it unless there is a penalty for not doing so.

 

[LgndKllr24]

I definitely do. I am quite the pushover when people ask me to do things. What I try to do usually is to stay low and hope people don't notice me, because if somebody asks me for something, or to go someplace, I feel pressured into saying yes, regardless of how I actually feel.

 

[JakeGronie]

I'm like this too. I'm working on it in therapy but it's a hard time following through. I beat myself up a lot over it.

 

[gonzerd]

Yes!

I've had (still have) difficulties with this for several reasons. First of all I too was conditioned to be compliant. Standing up for myself, speaking my mind or god forbid say anything about how I feel usually lead to punishment, neglect or ridicule. But that's third party stuff; if it can be programmed to say yes, it can be programmed to say no.
The way a question is formulated can also have some effect on this. Someone would ask me if I can do something, which to me is something completely different from if I want to do something or if I'm able to do something. And then I would overestimate the time I have and underestimate the time needed to complete a task, so even really wanting to do something doesn't mean that it will also be done.
I also used to have some problems with a form of compulsive answering questions. Someone would ask a question and I'd just answer if I knew or look it up without thinking about wether or not I should be answering this question, which became really annoying.
I think it's getting better, but I really need to be vigilant about this type of stuff.

 

[jaws]

Yes!

I've had (still have) difficulties with this for several reasons. First of all I too was conditioned to be compliant. Standing up for myself, speaking my mind or god forbid say anything about how I feel usually lead to punishment, neglect or ridicule. But that's third party stuff; if it can be programmed to say yes, it can be programmed to say no.
The way a question is formulated can also have some effect on this. Someone would ask me if I can do something, which to me is something completely different from if I want to do something or if I'm able to do something. And then I would overestimate the time I have and underestimate the time needed to complete a task, so even really wanting to do something doesn't mean that it will also be done.
I also used to have some problems with a form of compulsive answering questions. Someone would ask a question and I'd just answer if I knew or look it up without thinking about wether or not I should be answering this question, which became really annoying.
I think it's getting better, but I really need to be vigilant about this type of stuff.

Same here, a lot has to do with how the question is stated. Also, I try to work on being more social and often times think that I HAVE to do something in order to maintain a relationship...I often spend too much time analyzing if it is something that I could pass on or if not doing something will lead to resentment from the person asking, and I generally try to think that if I ask for something from someone I'd want them to answer yes, so maybe I should (kind of a credit for me receiving a future favor).

That said, I do work on saying no...I just find that sometimes it is easier and proves to be more socially acceptable to say yes.

 

[oskarandri]

I'm going through adolescentic maturity and the incident for negativity has increased dramatically.

 

[TETSUO]

Oh god yes.

Either to please people or just so that they dont think i am being funny with them. So many times i wish i could just say no

 

[bucephalus]

I have exactly the same problem as what TETSUO describes. Sometimes it can cause problems where I end up letting people down. As hard as it is (and I've not cracked it yet), it is better to be straight with people

 

[usa1981]

yes 50-70% of the time.

 

[alien girl]

oh, so this is an aspie thing, and i was afraid it was just me...
i've had an absolutely terrible time saying no to anything, no matter what it is, ever since first grade. my parents are to blame a bit here, because they always got mad if i said no to anyone, no matter what they asked me. i've been taken advantage of many times, and now i'm struggling trying to force myself to say no. i even feel guilty if i say no to a man who wants to spend the night with me.
and they say aspies dont care about other people's feelings. maybe we care too much.

 

[King_Oni]

No... I rather have a problem with saying yes :')

In most cases I know what I can and cannot do, and I will not let people convince me otherwise.

There have been too much situations where I'd tell people no because I realized that if I were to say yes, than all bets are off, hence I rather stand up for myself.

For instance; "can you come in on the weekend for work". No, I don't want to.

Because, if I said yes, my boss would not have to ask me next time, and just call me over "what time are you in tomorrow?" I've saw this with co-workers.

So, I don't have any problems with saying no because I have a big problem in being dishonest with myself. I rather think about a question though. I wont blurt out yes or no that fast.

Also; and I think that kinda applies for me. I wasn't raised by my parents to say yes to everything. My parents, even as a kid, asked me gently to do X, and they were fine with me saying no. And to be honest, I did enough stuff around the house, I didn't "abuse" it as a way to not do it, but if I really did not feel I wanted to do it, I could tell them so without worrying that I might get into trouble. Perhaps if I made it seem more that I told them no all the time, they might at some day have been a bit harsher on me, but I probably just kept a natural balance in doing and not doing things they asked me to.

 

[NeverEnder]

No... I rather have a problem with saying yes :')

In most cases I know what I can and cannot do, and I will not let people convince me otherwise.

There have been too much situations where I'd tell people no because I realized that if I were to say yes, than all bets are off, hence I rather stand up for myself.

For instance; "can you come in on the weekend for work". No, I don't want to.

Because, if I said yes, my boss would not have to ask me next time, and just call me over "what time are you in tomorrow?" I've saw this with co-workers.

So, I don't have any problems with saying no because I have a big problem in being dishonest with myself. I rather think about a question though. I wont blurt out yes or no that fast.

Also; and I think that kinda applies for me. I wasn't raised by my parents to say yes to everything. My parents, even as a kid, asked me gently to do X, and they were fine with me saying no. And to be honest, I did enough stuff around the house, I didn't "abuse" it as a way to not do it, but if I really did not feel I wanted to do it, I could tell them so without worrying that I might get into trouble. Perhaps if I made it seem more that I told them no all the time, they might at some day have been a bit harsher on me, but I probably just kept a natural balance in doing and not doing things they asked me to.

I feel pretty much the way you do about this.

I can say "No" rather easily if that is what I'm feeling to be correct at the time. Rarely do I easily say "Yes" to anything. Perhaps this is my lack of empathy.

Having people shove suggestions at me of particular actions that I did not think of makes me uncomfortable and non-agreeable. Yes, I am a bit selfish with my time and space and I do not like it being invaded with what I may consider trivial or unjustified suggestions.

 

[cheetoe80]

Yes I do seem to have a hard time even when I know I'm not going to be able to do something I always have a hard time telling someone no, but it's something everyone has to do.

 

[Cosmic Light]

Much of the time, yes. I can say no just fine to someone I don't know or like much in most cases. But family and to a bit of a lesser extent, friends, not really. In the case of family, I've learned early that they have a talent for invoking guilt and that i have no way to shut of my overacting guilt complex. So I basically came to think years ago that i have little choice but to give them what they want, though I know it's only making the guilt situation worse for next time. In the case of friends, well I'm starting to learn to say no sometimes. A couple of them it happens actually WANT me to say no more often instead of just giving in. The thing is though that in my experience, it seemed the idea of social skills was to be able to be liked and to be liked we have to give people what they want.

 

[Galaxy Freeze]

YES. It makes me quite angry with myself.

Since one of my skills is drawing, lots of people come up to me and ask me to draw something for them... I find myself saying "Sure!" "Okay!" "No problem!" Then when I come home, I think, "...Oh my gosh, I have so much work to do...And it's not even schoolwork! GAH!" Then I feel very guilty when I never find the time to do it, because my other skill is animation, and it's a bit more important to me, so I go on the computer and end up not having enough time to draw.

Also, I only draw a few things, most things I do not enjoy drawing. I just like to draw dragons or characters for my cartoons. That's all. Everyone requests me to draw something other than those things, so I can't enjoy it either.

I've figured out how to be more assertive though, and lately things have been going well, but yeah... It is frustrating. I would have saved a lot of time and effort if I had learned earlier on. It's not worth it for most people because a majority of those who ask me are people who would NEVER talk to me, ever, and all they do is use me for homework answers. I don't know why I said "yes" to them, I pretty much hate them. Sorry to be harsh.

One day, I was just like, "Okay, no more Ms. Nice, Generous Goodie, I'm only going to draw for my friends and myself, at least, which is not a lot."

The only thing that motivated me towards learning to be more assertive was when I realized most people only take advantage of me and they aren't even very nice to me.

 

[Kelly]

Either to please people or just so that they dont think i am being funny with them. So many times i wish i could just say no

^ Exactly me.

I just can't say no and if I really need to I get my husband to do it. My mother in law was kind of hinting that she would need help bathing after having surgery and the horror and fear that surged through me almost reduced me to tears because I knew she would at some point ask me in the weeks leading up to her operation and I wouldn't be able to say no. As soon as she left that day I was almost crying telling me husband he had to make it clear there was no way I could do that, he's good with words and managed to word it right so that she didn't ask me.

Or my dad asking me to take a look at some software he'd bought to see if it was any good, I instantly wanted to say no it wasn't, that I didn't need to look and I knew it was a pile of crap but I didn't I just agreed to look into it and I'd get back to him a few days.

 

[Bay]

^ Exactly me.

I just can't say no and if I really need to I get my husband to do it. My mother in law was kind of hinting that she would need help bathing after having surgery and the horror and fear that surged through me almost reduced me to tears because I knew she would at some point ask me in the weeks leading up to her operation and I wouldn't be able to say no.

I have a hard time with "no" as well. I think that, broadly speaking, girls are raised to be both compliant and to be care givers. The situation that you found yourself in, Az, was particularly difficult.

 

[liverbird1980]

Im sorry if this thread is old. Im so glad there are aspergers people who are the same as I am. I have always thought it was just me. I have always been like this, cant say no, no matter what it is I feel bad and hate awkwardness. Once when I was in school, a girl come up to me and asked if she could pop my zit (gross I know) and I hated the awkward so much I said go on then. I just dont like to say no but would love to.