Do normal people really act like this?

[Lundi]

As a Frisco native, l think you should try speed dating, salsa clubs are great in Frisco, volunteer, you meet some great woman that way and you can bus to location. Take a part-time job at pier 41 where you are constanly interacting with people, great way to meet someone. Go to events in your special area of expertise to meet like minded woman. Like do you read? Work at store or volunteer at library. Frisco is a great place to get out and do things.

I attended a speed-dating meetup when I was 26, it was one of the first meetups that I went to. It cost $45 just to enter. And it started late because they had a surplus of guys and needed more women to join to make the numbers even. To summarise, it was probably one of the most unpleasant, humiliating meetups of my life.

If I did speed-dating again, I would have to find a much better group, and where they do not charge something like $45 as an entrance fee. Someone told me about cougar meetups that are an hour drive away. But in addition to being too far, I highly doubt that I should get involved in the cougar scene.

I have a lot of problems with dancing. I am not sure if it is the Asperger's, the anxiety, the awkwardness, or what. But I just cannot dance in public. Dancing in public gives me as much anxiety as giving a speech in front of 10000 people. My friend, the guy in his late 40s from rural Minnesota, told me about SF's dancing meetups since he used to attend. At the pair dance meetups, like salsa, tango, bachata, etc. often there are way more male attendees than female attendees. Sometimes 20 men might show up and only 5 women, or some very male-lopsided ratio. So what happens is that the men either have to dance with other men, or wait their turn to dance with some of the women. I am not sure if one should laugh or cry from such a situation.

I did have an idea though. I have been thinking for months about formally joining the local branch of a certain presidential candidate's campaign. Since he is a working-class candidate, maybe I could meet working-class women, or at least around the same financial level as my family. At meetups I often meet people who earn six figures or are millionaires.

In terms of reading, I like reading, but only very narrow topics. Foreign language books, chess books, books about the history of European empires, history books about the Soviet Union and the Warsaw Pact countries, history books about the Russian Revolution, Chinese Revolution, French Revolution, etc. and books about wars such as the Vietnam War, Stalingrad and stuff. Not very cheerful stuff, but still. It would be nice to find a woman who reads about these topics.

 

[GadAbout]

Those are some good ideas! I'm glad to see you considering some alternatives.

I didn't think your list of book topics was all that narrow!

 

[Professori]

For yet another time I must reiterate...I am not bringing it up. People keep seeming to think that I am just going up to people and saying, "Hey I am ____, I am 30 year old virgin." So let me state once again:

I am not actively bringing up nor going up to people telling them I am a virgin.

As I have written, probably well over five times by now, it is because in my 20s and before I have had robotic naïveté where people initiate questions asking me about my sexual and relationship history. It is not I who is offering to give them this information.

I know that I am poor at explaining things, but I have said this over and over: I am not the one who is bringing up this topic at all--they often change the conversation and ask me these questions without my even mentioning it.

And as I have said yet again, since turning 30 I refuse to answer them these questions.

And you are correct not to bring it up or ask that type of question. In that sense you are more ‘normal’ than those who do ask such idiotic questions. I would find it very strange if someone asked me questions like that. It’s personal and none of anyone else’s business. So, my response would be that they mind their own business, but in harsher terms.
Asking a question like that is similar to asking me something like whether my girlfriend has sexy breasts. It’s stupid, and a reflection of the level of disrespect to which many people have lowered themselves.

 

[Rasputin]

I am the guy who made a thread about being worried about being a virgin at age 30. Anyway, at age 26, I started attending meetups and social gatherings in my city to make friends, and perhaps if things went well, maybe find a girlfriend.

So during all of the meetups since then up to now, I have encountered some of the vilest, most superficial, judgemental people in my entire life. As I have stated in various other threads, I have been lambasted, berated, humiliated, etc. for being single/virgin at my age during meetups. However, there are some other things that I have noticed at these meetups.

There normal people, i.e. extroverted type of people who seem to lack any mental disorders and anxiety, seem to me, as a person with Asperger's, OCD, anxiety and other problems, that they are just jerks. The vast majority of people whom I meet at meetups make me sick just thinking of how they treat me and other people. People in their 20s are extremely judgemental and superficial to the point that I cannot even talk with them past ten seconds. People in their 30s are almost as bad as their 20s. Both groups seem very immature to me.

Moving on to the people in their 40s, well, not much better. Many act like they are in secondary school (high school), i.e. like they were stuck at age 13 or 14 and never grew up. I have had people in their 40s say, "ew virgin, yuck" to my face. Not only that, but people make their own cliques just like back in secondary school, and exclude others whom they deem as "weird" or "not as high class at they are". The people in their 50s and 60s can sometimes be better, and I get along with them if I indeed do get along with anyone during the social gathering. But I have met way too many people in their 50s and 60s who also act like they are 13 or 14 and judge everyone by how many sexual partners and relationships they have had, how much money they have, how prestigious their job is, how many houses and cars they have, how expensive their clothes are, etc.

Regarding relationships, I always was told that people will not judge you as much as you become older. However, even women in their 40s and 50s have made some seriously negative remarks at my singleness/virginity, and it really made me feel as if I had been transported back to high school. Do middle-aged women in other places really say, "A virgin at 30 is a weirdo" and things like this? Do males in their 40s and 50s in other places lambast and verbally berate other male acquaintances for having had a failed dating life and/or being virgin?

So I am wondering--do you feel that when you meet "normal" people, they act like the people whom I just described above? I really want to know if it is I who is the weird one, or if the people whom I keep meeting are simply uniquely complete pricks.

For the record, I am a native born and bred of San Francisco, California, USA. I attend meetups solely in this city, and these are my overall experiences.

I am not sure there are "normal" people out there, but it seems to me that you might be trying too hard to be social. Try participating in activities you enjoy, where there are opportunities to meet people. And as others have commented, don't respond to questions about things such as virginity which should be private. To me, that would be a red flag if someone you barely know asked questions like that.

 

[megacomic]

Don't obsess over being a virgin, believe me if you make the end goal of your life to have sex you're going to be awfully disappointed about unmagical sex actually is the first time. Anyways I don't meet too many people who ask me about my sex life. I think it's because I'm in a PhD program and there is always a personal distance and air of professionalism to most of my conversations.

 

[hatfullofrain]

Oh if it makes you feel any better I had an embarassing conversation with my Dr the other day. It wouldn't have been embarassing if I had handled it more tactfully, but I wasn't feeling well and I wasn't on the ball.

This is a thing you won't need to deal with as a dude, but anyway, in the UK you need to see your GP before being referred to a gynocologist. To cut a long story short I've been having seriously bad cramps. My Dr is really nice and easy to talk to. In the past when he's asked me about certain symptoms and sex or what contraception I'm on I laugh and say I don't need it my love life is a desert at the moment.

But he asked me if I was experiencing any pain during sex and I was totally not expecting the question so rather untactfully mumbled: "oh, I'm still... I don't do sex"

I am normally so much more eloquent. "I don't do sex"! What a stupid way to phrase it! I'm not even prudish and don't mind discussing sexual health. I just wasn't feeling well. I felt like an idiot.

But not because I'm a virgin, but because I explained it badly. Doh!

 

[hatfullofrain]

Oh, I've thought of a good answer to "you act like a virgin"

"Why, are you offering to take my cherry?" wink.

But I have the kind of personality where I could get away with it. I assume that would freak the hello out of a straight male...

 

[Lundi]

Oh, I've thought of a good answer to "you act like a virgin"

"Why, are you offering to take my cherry?" wink.

But I have the kind of personality where I could get away with it. I assume that would freak the hello out of a straight male...

Being male, I think that that comment would sound weird in most cases. Saying that to a male would be highly uncomfortable for both sides. Saying that to a female would probably generate a lot of confusion.

Right now, I just tell people to piss off quite directly. Or as they say in Spanish, los mando a la mierda.

 

[hatfullofrain]

It's supposed to sound weird... British humour doesn't travel well lol.

Look up Joe Lycett on YouTube. If you can't win, weird out the other party.

 

[Lundi]

It's supposed to sound weird... British humour doesn't travel well lol.

Look up Joe Lycett on YouTube. If you can't win, weird out the other party.

I went to uni in the UK so I am exposed to British humour. The problem is, I do not recognise/understand humour, regardless of the country. Neither do I tell jokes, because I always speak literally and directly. It is one of my character traits that probably makes people feel uncomfortable around me.

Like said before, I tend to follow my mother's strategy of a saying a barrage of expletives and very direct in-your-face insults, but more people probably consider me as their enemy now because of this.

I discussed a bit with my mother. An example of wit that we came up with, would be if a woman tells me how damaged, weird and/or undateable I am for being a virgin at 30, I could answer, "Judging by the way that you look, my virginity should be a positive, not a negative." This could lead to verbal arguments though, like in the past.

 

[hatfullofrain]

Ah right ok, this is probably a huge part of your issue then.

Being needlessly confrontational will only create walls.

I struggle with fitting in, but I was taught how to grease the wheels with good manners which I think has made my life go smoother.

I have an aspie friend who just comes over as shy and awkward because his manners are impeccable. He knows just what to say to be polite and fools a lot of folks into thinking he's normal-ish, if not a little shy.

The more I got know him the more I realise how much of an act the things he says are.

I dunno if that's good in the long run, but he is at least liked on a superficial level.

 

[GadAbout]

I went to uni in the UK so I am exposed to British humour. The problem is, I do not recognise/understand humour, regardless of the country. Neither do I tell jokes, because I always speak literally and directly. It is one of my character traits that probably makes people feel uncomfortable around me.

Like said before, I tend to follow my mother's strategy of a saying a barrage of expletives and very direct in-your-face insults, but more people probably consider me as their enemy now because of this.

Here is a summary of your situation. 1. In order to have any human contact, you are relying on "meetups" where most of the people are strangers to you. 2. You don't have the manners and social graces to develop friendships, since you offend others as rapidly as they offend you. So the suggestion I made earlier about growing a friendship network from the friends you already have, is of no utility. 3. Which leaves you back at Step 1; you are meeting, but you are not cementing any friendships or extending a network of like-minded people, so over and over, you must go to unsatisfying meetups.

You feel you have to be this way because you are literal and honest.

I'm going to suggest that to make any progress at all, socially, you need to develop some of those social graces.

I don't often recommend it, but a classic book that might help you is Dale Carnegie's How to Make Friends and Influence People.

 

[Lundi]

Ah right ok, this is probably a huge part of your issue then.

Being needlessly confrontational will only create walls.

I had a very old-fashioned upbringing, but I am also naturally formal when speaking in neutral situations, i.e. if I have just met the person.

When someone insults me or makes passive-aggressive remarks to me, which is often, my natural instinct is to insult them back.

Since I was a small boy, I was told that I could not "take a joke" because I have always been a very serious person. Everything is dry and to the point, no nuance, just straightforward, literal talking. This might be why people wonder if I am in my mid-40s despite being only 30. I naturally gravitate towards people who are 45 and older, since they tend to be more mature, although actually here immaturity is found at all ages.

I struggle with fitting in, but I was taught how to grease the wheels with good manners which I think has made my life go smoother.

I have an aspie friend who just comes over as shy and awkward because his manners are impeccable. He knows just what to say to be polite and fools a lot of folks into thinking he's normal-ish, if not a little shy.

The more I got know him the more I realise how much of an act the things he says are.

I dunno if that's good in the long run, but he is at least liked on a superficial level.

I think that in terms of neutral manners I act like him, as in when knowing someone for the first time I talk very formally. So, "Good afternoon, Sir" or "Greetings, Madam" are my signature ways to introduce myself. This is how I speak on a neutral level.

However, when people start making negative comments to me, I switch into my arguing state of mind, and usually get irritated. Regardless of whether it is a joke, first of all I probably would not recognise it as a joke since I interpret things extremely literally.

I think that in the past, the socialising with extroverted neurotypicals who use all sorts of literary devices as well as very subtle changes of tone or wording confused me a lot.

My mother is similar in this respect. Often when I go out with her, she ends up yelling at someone who insults or disrespects her.

 

[Lundi]

Here is a summary of your situation. 1. In order to have any human contact, you are relying on "meetups" where most of the people are strangers to you. 2. You don't have the manners and social graces to develop friendships, since you offend others as rapidly as they offend you. So the suggestion I made earlier about growing a friendship network from the friends you already have, is of no utility. 3. Which leaves you back at Step 1; you are meeting, but you are not cementing any friendships or extending a network of like-minded people, so over and over, you must go to unsatisfying meetups.

You feel you have to be this way because you are literal and honest.

It is strange, because like above I have two modes, the neutral and then the defensive state. So my neutral is just to act formal and dry, rather reserved.

When people make sly or passive-aggressive remarks I insult them back, switching out of my neutral state.

A lot of times the meetups lately I tend to talk mostly with my only friend who also attends meetups. He also is in a similar way, attending meetups because he cannot find any other way to meet people. I see him tomorrow, so I could ask him if he has any ideas about some other type of socialising groups.

My way of interpreting people's responses is like a robot. It is little wonder why people nicknamed me R2D2 as a kid. I process everything literally, like a computer. I cannot just stand there analysing if what seems to me an insult, is a sly, "friendly" joke, although often it is not as even others tell me.

I'm going to suggest that to make any progress at all, socially, you need to develop some of those social graces.

I don't often recommend it, but a classic book that might help you is Dale Carnegie's How to Make Friends and Influence People.

Thanks, I could take a look.

I think that why I do well in formal situations is because usually in those situations, it is a faux pas to make jokes, and everyone tends to be serious. Since Christmastime is approaching, I usually get called Scrooge for being so uptight. But it is just kind of engrained in me. Like how my grandfather was very strict, and would yell at children for playing when we went to family get-togethers. I just am naturally a tense, serious person. Since I was in my 20s, I got told that I actd like a grandpa in his 70s or 80s.

 

[jeffry7]

I don't know if this is helpful or not. One possible answer to questions about your sexual history is to say you are not one to kiss and tell. Part of the trick here is to smile when you say it.

It would be as if you were not offended by the question, but your sense of discretion keeps you from answering.

You are expressing offense at a question you are being asked. The question is not offensive in the context of the meetups. After all they are asking each other these questions and aren't offended by them.

Your response is unexpected by them and draws unwanted, by you, scrutiny.